Worried about my daughter update post 48

[low-key]

asking the dis for advice is like asking a fat man if he wants a doughnut, we all get overly excited

 

[Jennasis]

Bottom line...the more you try to keep them apart or (worse) tell her how awful he is, the more you will push them together. When you tell her all the terrible things about him or how much you disapprove of HIM, really all she will feel is personally attacked. After all, an attack on him is an attack on HER for choosing him. It calls into question her taste, her judgement, at least in her head.

So what can you do? Let it ride, and if possible try to be super gushy about him. Nothing kills a young relationship faster than parental approval.

 

[padams]

Hey guys. Thanks for the responses. We are not strict at all. The reason I said We allow the boys to come over is because neither have the drivers liscense, so we let him come over, sometimes we take them places. The reason I have gotten so involved, is because he puts me in it, like texting me when he can't find her. We were in the car a few weeks ago, and he got angry b/c I wouldn't change the station. He told dd that song reminded him of his grandfather, thats why he got so mad. When i brought this up to my daughter, she told him and he called me to try to explain things, and that is when he lies about being at the sherrifs office. She used to hang out with multiple girl friends , but now they all have boyfriends. I personally feel like she just doesn't want to be the only girl without a boyfriend

I'd be too busy to take them anywhere. I'd ignore his texts and calls. I also wouldn't vocally disappove of him to her, at least for now.

 

[andeesings]

I think that the best responses to these are ones that are encouraging you to have your DD's friends over your place, so you can supervise, and do your best to increase your OWN positive relationship with your DD. Take her places, spend time with her, bolster her self-esteem. Also, encourage her to tell you things. All of these things will make your DD more likely to speak with you AND get out of the bad relationship on her own.

The more you forbid her to see this boy, the more she will try to see him. But I'd absolutely let him know that not only is it inappropriate for him to call YOU at midnight-- it's inappropriate for him to be calling ANYONE in your home at midnight. Try to keep phones in a "central" charging station for the night so she isn't bothered by this jerk at night (I'm young-ish- 30, and I think this is a good idea- some people might think it's overkill.

I think you're going to be fine. Not that many high school relationships last beyond high school (Consider yours a special case!!!), just give your DD ALL the support she needs and continue to be a loving parent, and not a scary forbidding one.

Good luck!

 

[SandrA9810]

The next time he comes over, you could have a frank talk about appropriate phone times. It sounds like school has just started, maybe a week or two, so it's still early enough to set new school rules.

If her girl friends have boyfriends, suggest group outings together. If the other guys are half way decent, they'll get tired of his antics and none of them will want to hang out with him around. Hopefully the idea of socially fitting in will kick him to the curb.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hey guys. Thanks for the responses. We are not strict at all. The reason I said We allow the boys to come over is because neither have the drivers liscense, so we let him come over, sometimes we take them places. The reason I have gotten so involved, is because he puts me in it, like texting me when he can't find her. We were in the car a few weeks ago, and he got angry b/c I wouldn't change the station. He told dd that song reminded him of his grandfather, thats why he got so mad. When i brought this up to my daughter, she told him and he called me to try to explain things, and that is when he lies about being at the sherrifs office. She used to hang out with multiple girl friends , but now they all have boyfriends. I personally feel like she just doesn't want to be the only girl without a boyfriend

Hmmm....

It is weird that he is texting you for starters. I would not respond to him at all and certainly not about my dd's whereabouts. That is none of his beeswax.

The lying thing is just odd beyond all reason. I can't figure that out.

Getting "mad" AT ME over a song? It would be awhile before he was in my car again.

Gak...good luck OP. Stay strong.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

The boy has NO boundaries, that is not normal.

 

[HelenePA]

what does your husband have to say about this boy texting and calling you?

 

[suzcruz]

Usually i just lurk but this is scary! i totally understand that you were trying to be different than your parents were with you, and i dont see that you have done anything wrong.

Also, I normally agree that if you dont like this or that about a boy/girl friend to keep it to yourself because it might push your teen towards them instead.

But this is not normal behavior on the boyfriend's part at all. Having fake conversations on the phone? Being obsessed with the police but not being able to comply with their rules? Monitoring your daughter's whereabouts? Calling you at midnight?

IMHO, this sounds like a potential wife- or girlfriend-beater. At least, he has serious control issues. I would point out these things to your daughter asap & explain that this is not typical or appropriate behavior. Her safety is whats most important. I would tell her that you are fine with her having a boyfriend, just not him. I also would contact the school guidance counselor and mention his actions. I probably would not contact his parents because they might be just as weird as he is. Also I agree with others who thought you should encourage your daughter to go out or have friends over, this would both get her to meet other guys and show her that you have no issues with her having a social life which includes dating.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

OP, I really do feel for you because I have been through pure hell with my 19 year old who has low self esteem and who has been in counseling for years because of not one but two bad relationships. I saw many of the same red flags in your post as what we went through. I was not controlling in any way shape or form, but I put my foot down when she was abused.

I dont have the best advise in the world because I have stepped in before to have that back fire and I have turned a blind eye to have her make one mistake after another and still go back to abusive person number one.

I finally have just given up because I was losing years off of my life stressing about her. I have realized that God has a plan for her and I have to accept that. I just pray everyday that she will make good choices.

My heart breaks for any parent with a daughter who dates controlling and abusive boys & men. It is the hardest thing in the world to see.

 

[hereyago]

holy no boundaires control freak! OP may I ask? When he does the fake callsdo you call him out on them or do you just not say anything? Or when he texted did you text back that. It was unaeptable behavior? Or in the car when he got mad did you ignore it? Even though agree her self esteem needs some major work and she needs to be around other peo9le, you need to be the example to her of what to not put up with and to not let anyone try to control or cross boundaries. Good luck. My friend met a guy in school and he acts like her dad and she has to ask for permission yea good job marrying him.22 years later same thing, sorry I have never been that female I am to mouthy.

 

[Christine]

I honestly don't know how'd I'd handle it.

When I was 15/16 I had a boyfriend that I was just so in love with. He was very popular at school, good looking, and as nice as can be--until his bad side came out. We dated for about a year. We did lots of things together, I went on some of his family trips, he came on some of mine. I could tell that my mom wasn't crazy about it but she never said a word to me about it.

Some time into our year of dating, if I did something that would set him off he'd get pissed. He started to lose his temper badly if I didn't do something he wanted. Otherwise, he was just super nice. Typical abuser behavior.

He was one of those people that was chronically late all the time. When we were in high school, we both did dual enrollment so we had a college course together at night. I would, of course, arrive at the school before him and usually wait till he got there so we could walk together. One night he was late so I went into class. He finally came into class, sat down, and I could tell he was furious. On the break, I asked him what was wrong and he hauled off and slapped me across the face for "not waiting for him." I was stunned.

The next day, I was telling my cousin about it (she knew him, went to school with me, thought of him as a friend too). She got scared and told her dad (my uncle). My uncle was furious and said he was getting his gun and going to shoot the guy and that I had better break up with him. My parents were told and they "forced" me to call it off. I guess I'm one of those wimps that doesn't rebel because I just did it. I thought it was the end of the world. That feeling lasted about 24 hours. After I broke up with him, it was like the weight of the world was off my shoulders and I never looked back. He did bug me for a long time to get back but nothing threatening. It was just funny how quickly I got over him.

I guess I knew deep down inside he was crazy and couldn't be fixed and it was a relief to be away from him. Having my parents "order" me to do so made it easier on me I guess so that I wasn't the heavy in the situation--they were.

I know a lot of people say that doing what my parents did might drive a girl further into a bad situation and maybe that's true for some people but, in my case, it worked and I learned early on that my support structure was looking out for me.

 

[leebee]

I, similarly, am very worried about my DD18. DD is in her first "serious" relationship and it turns out the boy is verbally and emotionally abusive when he is drunk, lots of yelling and screaming and guilt (yes he is only 18... college+dorms+frats=drinking). Borderline-bad stuff, but enough so that she finally read him the riot act: At the end of the semester she told him he had the summer to quit drinking and shape up, or they were done. He checked himself into rehab, joined AA, got counseling. He's very clingy, refers to himself as "your future husband", posts drippy garbage on FB for her, etc. He's also told his entire family that she is "The One" and that they will get married and stay together forever. DD and I have had serious talks about him/them this summer; she feels he's too clingy, doesn't think he is the one at ALL (and she has Things she wants to DO with her life before thinking about settling down), but she loves him and wants to give him a chance to do what's right (be her bf without drinking and abuse), knows he can... but she still doesn't see him in her future, long-term, but she's just not ready to dump him without giving him a chance, because she gave him an ultimatum and he upheld his end, so she needs to uphold hers. The really "funny" thing is that DD doesn't see this guy in her future, she just isn't ready to go through what it'll take to get rid of him.

I worry about her safety, her sanity, her ability to be herself. I think she did an incredibly difficult, strong thing last semester by recognizing the bad relationship and telling him it's something she will no longer tolerate. She's a smart girl and has even said she knows she cannot change him, HE has to change him. I mostly worry that my "people-pleaser" will stay in a crappy relationship because it's more important to her not to hurt him than it is to keep herself happy. One consolation for me is that she has a good counselor who I think she can help DD stay strong in this one. I know there isn't anything I can do except stay strong for her (sorry PP, I could never give up on my dd), listen and offer advice when asked, etc... but it keeps me up at night, occupies my thoughts all the time, and makes me very, very anxious for my DD.

ETA: Just read Christine's post. It gives me comfort hearing that teens DO appreciate the parental support in a bad situation... perhaps we are on the right road, letting DD manage her relationship but keeping her grounded in reality and supported.

 

[KayTom]

I would say talk to your daughter and ask her how she is, if she's happy with her relationship.

Don't judge and don't put your opinion across that you don't like him. Just ask about her. You've noticed that she seems to be a little more reserved than usual and you want her to know that if she needs anthing, even just to talk then you are there for her.

Then perhaps you could go do something fun together to make her remember how close you are, like shopping or going out for lunch.

My ex was nice originally, but in the end just wasn't treating me right and all my parents could do was be there for me. If they'd said something against him, it probably would've made me quite defensive. One night, i went to my mum in tears and said i can't do this anymore i'm breaking up with him and she said, i know, i've been expecting this. I'd never felt so close to my parents xx

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow, what a tough situation

One piece of advice that occurs to me is that perhaps once school starts back up you can go in and meet with a school counselor. Tell them you are worried about him being too controlling and possibly getting to a point that could become abusive and ask them to keep an eye out in the hallways, etc for any of thse temper flare ups you are hearing about.

Then in a few weeks you can meet up and talks again. They might be seeing fairly typical dynamics and set your mind somewhat atease, or seeing more and be able to give you some resources or even be able to talk to your DD about what they see ( often someone outside can have better luck talking to a teen than parents can).


In the meantime, lacking believing that she is actually being harmed by this boy, I think the best is to do as others say and keep inviting him over and not make this into a forbidden fruit thing. However, I would not tolerate him calling you looking for her, etc and would be clear with him that I will take a message for her at normal hours but that I do not report my kids whereabouts to hiM, or anyone else for that matter. And ANY teen who got rude with me in my car because they did not like a song on the radio would be dropped off somewhere safe and OUT of my car as quickly possible. This would have nothing to do with how I felt about the kid in general or them dating my kid or whatnot and everything to do with me expecting a reasonable amount of respect from people visiting my home.

 

[java]

As hard as it is, I agree with spend more time with him. Invite him over. Witness more of their time together.

The email is a red flag, but you really don't know the motivation. Perhaps your dd didn't want to talk to that therapy and was just using her boyfriend as the reason.

Keep the communication open. Just let her know how much you love and care for her. Build up her self esteem. When my sister had an abussive boyfriend I focused on what the heck was wrong with her for wanting to be with him. I would talk to her about what she found appealing with him. And eventually she told me she was afraid and did not know how to get rid of him. We worked on an exit strategy and thankfully she got out safely.

I agree with the be positive stuff because you don't want her shutting down. Hopefully, she has enough self esteem to spot the issues. It sound like she has not dated much yet and it's all new territory. I think it's ok to explain to her that someone controlling you isn't love. Girls can get too caught up in the"wow look how jealous he is, he must really love me" thing. This relationship is a lesson.

Good luck. When my son had an interesting girlfriend ( he was 15) the phrase this is why I drink came about.

 

[ols386]

As others have said, don't let your dd know that you do not like the b/f.

I also don't think it's unusual that a 16 year old doesn't have a drivers' license. My dd didn't get her's until 17.

Maybe you could encourage her to interact with other kids (b/f included). Invite them over to your house to hang-out, watch movies, eat, that kind of thing. Or she could even organize a group get-together going to the movie theater, or a local mall.

You said a lot of her other friends have b/f's too, so maybe invite both girls and boys over for the interaction.

It does sound like there are things about the b/f that are off, but I also imagine the situation will resolve by itself. Keep an eye on how things are going without getting overly involved.

 

[cabanafrau]

I, similarly, am very worried about my DD18, also, and it's over an abusive relationship. DD is in her first "serious" relationship and it turns out the boy is verbally and emotionally abusive when he is drunk, lots of yelling and screaming and guilt (yes he is only 18... college+dorms+frats=drinking). Borderline-bad stuff, but enough so that she finally read him the riot act: At the end of the semester she moved to a friend's place (so he couldn't find her) and told him he had the summer to quit drinking and shape up, or they were done. He checked himself into rehab, joined AA, got counseling. She was thrilled but cautious; we (DH and I) were skeptical, at best. He's very clingy, refers to himself as "your future husband", posts drippy garbage on FB for her, etc. Now he tells her that his mom told the pharmacy to stop filling his anti-depressant 'script so he's not taking it (LIE!!!). He's also told his entire family that she is "The One" and that they will get married and stay together forever. DD and I have had serious talks about him/them this summer; she feels he's too clingy, doesn't think he is the one at ALL (and she has Things she wants to DO with her life before thinking about settling down), but she loves him and wants to give him a chance to do what's right (be her bf without drinking and abuse), knows he can... but she still doesn't see him in her future, long-term, but she's just not ready to dump him without giving him a chance, because she gave him an ultimatum and he upheld his end, so she needs to uphold hers. The really "funny" thing is that DD doesn't see this guy in her future, she just isn't ready to go through what it'll take to get rid of him.

I worry about her safety, her sanity, her ability to be herself. I think she did an incredibly difficult, strong thing last semester by recognizing the bad relationship and telling him it's something she will no longer tolerate. She's a smart girl and has even said she knows she cannot change him, HE has to change him. She's even said she is embarrassed that she tolerated last semester's crap for so long. I mostly worry that my "people-pleaser" will stay in a crappy relationship because it's more important to her not to hurt him than it is to keep herself happy. One consolation for me is that she has a good counselor who seems to be helping her in several different areas, so I think she can help DD stay strong in this one, too... I HOPE. Fortunately school is here in town, so if it gets bad (he has already said "what'll I do without you, I think i'd kill myself if I lost you," etc.) she can move away from him but still stay in school. I know there isn't anything I can do except stay strong for her (sorry PP, I could never give up on my dd), listen and offer advice when asked, etc... but it keeps me up at night, occupies my thoughts all the time, and makes me very, very anxious for my DD.

ETA: Just read Christine's post. Earlier this summer DD was supposed to go to the bf's for 3 weeks and ended up being pretty scared and insistent about NOT going, and asked me to NOT let her go so he would "accept" it. (He tried to argue with me over the phone about DD doing what she wants as she is an adult now and I as her mom just have to accept that and get over it... yeah, riiiiiight...). DD ended up compromising and going for 5 nights. Christine's post gave me comfort from hearing that teens DO appreciate the parental support in a bad situation... perhaps we are on the right road, letting DD manage her relationship but keeping her grounded in reality and supported. (Needless to say I am hoping he hits the bottle as soon as he moves into the frat.... DD insists that if he goes back to drinking, they are FINISHED. It'd make it all so much easier in the long run...)

I could not read w/o commenting on this situation. What you've outlined is not typical college-age, frat boy behavior. This is someone self-medicating mental illness and, as is quite typically the case, alcohol is a terrible "fix" for any depressive element in the mix in particular.

I think this part is worthwhile of a discussion and some sharing of information with your daughter. This boy may be chronically mentally ill. That does not mean he can't live a healthy and wonderful life -- if he remains consistently in treatment & maintains his medicine regimen. If not, it's likely to just be an endless cycle of problems, likely including domestic violence, inability to maintain employment, abuse of other substances and quite likely legal issues. If you can convince your daughter to understand his illness does not make him a bad person, but his untreated mental illness will mean bad things for him and those around him, then she may come to the conclusion that he either has to be actively treating his condition or she cannot be with him. Good luck.

OP, I would consult the guidance counselor at school as many have suggested here. I would also look into speaking w/ someone at the Sheriff's Department who is managing the program this boy was dismissed from. They may not be able to give you any information because of privacy concerns, however it's likely they may be willing to listen to the information you have, keep it confidential out of concern for your family's safety and keep an eye on him or bring him in for a chat. Just a guess that they will not be too surprised at some of your information and if nothing else will be looking to put the brakes on his attempts at being a faux law enforcement officer partially using their department to bolster his claims. If you knew his parents and had a good idea of what to expect, I'd recommend talking to them if the situation was right. Unfortunately they are a complete wild card and best left alone. Good luck to you as well.

 

[Colleen27]

If it were my daughter, I'd be sitting her down for a talk about the red flags of abusive relationships. The teen years are such an insecure time all around that it is easy for girls to get mixed up on that, feel like jealousy and possessiveness are proof the boy really cares, not wanting her to see other friends is because he just wants to spend all their time together, etc. I wouldn't put in the context of forbidding or limiting her time with this boy, in fact I wouldn't make it about him at all but rather as a "food for thought" sort of conversation that I thought should be had now that she's starting to date for real. And it would come with the reminder/reassurance that if she ever finds herself in a situation she doesn't feel she can handle on her own, she has us for support and "back up".

 

[andeesings]

I also forgot to post before- I've got a bit of a sarcastic streak, and can be kind of mean sometimes... When teenagers are rude to me (which that boy was in your car), I sass them so badly they feel pretty low. I know that it's really bad because I'm the adult... I just can't abide rudeness. Does this boy have PARENTS??