why do people care how many kids you choose to have?

[Crazy Disney Fan]

We have 4 children and everyone has an opinion about us having "so" many kids. It is perfect for us and that's whats important. We were told we were crazy for having more after having a girl and a boy. like a pp said the worst thing about it is that everything is made for a family of 4.

I know what you are saying, when I was preggers with me third everyone would ask "is this your first" when I would say "no, its my third" they would give me the worst looks; like I am putting a strain on the world's resourses. Well I'm sorry, we do grow our own veggies in the summer,

 

[ShannonMB]

Well I'm sorry, we do grow our own veggies in the summer,

Cute!

 

[NMAmy]

how I must have more because when I'm 50 I'll regret it

Take heart. As my darling child told me the other day, I'm "pushing 50" and I don't regret not having more children at all. DD is in college and DH and I enjoy our time alone as much as we do her school breaks when she's back in the house.

And yet, just a few months ago, someone asked if DH and I were planning on having any children. That's when I pointed out that my step dd is 29 and my dd is 19. I believe we're done and we'll just wait for grandkids now.

 

[Ephany]

Well, darnit. Don't you know you're expected to live your life according to how everyone else thinks you should!

We've got an only and both DH and I are happy with that decision. He's gone 95% of the time and I'm in grad school; quite frankly I'm not willing to sacrifice any of the time I get to spend with DD. I'm not patient or good at being a SAHM; I tried it once for about 6 months and I absolutely hated it. Why are we selfish (according to others) because we know that at this particular point in our lives we're not ready for a baby? Maybe that'll change someday, but right now we're happy. Heck if you can love, provide for and want another baby, have as many as you want. I'll be glad to babysit even.

People comment all the time on how we're denying DD, she'll need a sibling when we're older. I think that's a load of patooey. My sister is one of my least favorite people, and if I had my way she wouldn't have any idea of where I lived or how to get in touch with us. I know that when my parents need assistance, she will completely disappear. She only likes being around people who can help her, she's the classic definition of a 'user'. My brother may step up, but I'm not holding my breath. At least DD won't be angry/frustrated/disappointed because the people who are supposed to be there supporting her aren't. We'll also do everything possible to take care of ourselves financially, but just because you have siblings doesn't mean that you still won't be dealing with parental care all by yourself.

Oh, and I'm really not evil, it's just we have to monitor our credit because my sister's used my identity to get false id for herself, she's tried opening accounts in my name, she's sent her creditors to our house, and my poor DH dealt with months of harassing phone calls because of her antics.

 

[DawnM]

It IS a very personal decision. People are criticized for having too many kids or having not enough.

Sigh.

We have 3 kids. I was an only and I also decided NOT to have any only and make sure I had two. It is a personal decision by us. After we had two we adopted one more and obviously that was on purpose! I would love one more, but I am not sure we will do it. I feel like we are getting too old! But we have 3 boys and I would like a girl.

Dawn

 

[ebtbmom]

Thanks for everyone's replies. It makes me feel better to know that other couples go through this too, either with "too many" or "too few" children.

I guess we don't feel strongly about the sibling thing because me nor DH are close to ours. My brother lives 20 minutes away and we see each other, maybe 1x month, sometimes not that often. And I certainly feel like our parents will be my responsibility when the time comes.

DH has 3 brothers, 2 of them have no contact with him because of religious differences. The other one would see him, but he's busy and we just never see him and his kids, seriously, maybe 1x or 2x a year, and he only lives about 45 min away.

The main reason I would want to consider it is because I had a terrible experience with DS. I was 20, in college, and dating a total arrogant jerk! I resent him for making my only child's pregnancy and birth experience totally miserable (he signed away his parental rights when DS was 18 months if that tells you what kind of a person he was). I don't think that's a good reason to have another kid though! And DH has been with DS since he was 3, he considers himself his father and does not feel the need to have "his own" child.

Sorry for the long posts, this is really theraputic!

 

[LaurenT]

Tell her you can't have another because she had 1 too many, so you had to have 1 less to make up for it...thanks alot!
Or, how about you don't need more than 1 - because the one you have is perfect...isn't she worried that her first born is going to think he's not good enough since they felt they had to have 2 more?
My DH has two much older boys..they are grown and in another state, we have our little Becky - she's from China and is turning 7 next week and is all the kid I need!

 

[Ava]

My MIL on the other hand, she bugs me constantly and tries to guilt me with the fact that the family names stops with my DH. WHO CARES???? I don't and DH has never said it bothers him.

Tell your MIL that your DD could end up to be gay, then she could carry on the family name. That should shut her up.

We're a two-mom family; my partner changed her last name to mine and DD has mine as well, so we all have the same name. I realized after this was all decided that if things hadn't ended up this way my dad's name would've ended with him. (My dad has two girls and his brother's son passed away young.)

 

[mjkacmom]

Well I have to chime in here.
The people that care so much is because they think their opinion is all that matters and is right. The end.
I find it very insulting when parents of onlies say that those of us who have more than one child are jealous. I have not ever been jealous of any parent because of the amount of children they have. I think that is ridiculous and condescending. We do just as much and sometimes even more than people we know who have onlies. So I find that agrument very insulting.

On the other end of it- I support anyone's decision to have as many or as little children as they want. I am not them and it is none of my business. I don't tell people they should have more or they should have any. I think each individual needs to decide what is best for them. I could turn this around and tell you about the million rude comments I have gotten from complete strangers because I have a larger family. At the end of the day it is nobody's business. YMMV.

I agree it's not out of jealousy - obviously people who have larger families kept having more children, regardless of the sacrifices involved. I think there are trade-offs with any size family. Our vacations are fewer, but they're really awesome with built in playmates. One of the reasons we have so many is that I love the sibling interaction with my kids, because they are so close in age. I have no problem with people only having one child, for whatever the reasons. I only have one sibling (who lives many states away), and wish I had more (she has 3 now, and would have more, except her DH is done).

 

[Ka' eo]

I agree it's not out of jealousy - obviously people who have larger families kept having more children, regardless of the sacrifices involved. I think there are trade-offs with any size family. Our vacations are fewer, but they're really awesome with built in playmates. One of the reasons we have so many is that I love the sibling interaction with my kids, because they are so close in age. I have no problem with people only having one child, for whatever the reasons. I only have one sibling (who lives many states away), and wish I had more (she has 3 now, and would have more, except her DH is done).

I agree with the ridiculous comments about jealousy. We adopted our three kids (they are full sibs and a package deal so we had no choice ). However, if we had conceived I would have loved having only one child! You can do so much more for them and not have all the strains of sibling issues. It sure is not like this>>> at my house. I wouldn't be so tired and those days of only being able to shop at Walmart because they had the cart for 3 would never have been so stressul.

I will admit that I am highly judgmental of the "18 and Counting" family. I can't help it.

 

[Vility]

i have to say I don't really care how many people have in their family???

What ever floats your boat?
I think the real problem is that others feel the need to tell you have to live your own life.

 

[princessmom29]

I will admit that I am highly judgmental of the "18 and Counting" family. I can't help it.

That is a whole other discussion, but I have to agree.

 

[dogluva]

You got it! When I first moved to our house my next door has 4 kids, she went on and on about how we should have more than just 1 (we have sons the same age) and all the bad things because we only have one child. This really hurt and I stared thinking maybe we should try for a second even if we are happy!
Well as the years have went by and now I know her better, I know she is just soo jealous of the things we can do with our only. We have more time and can spend more on him, (he is not a brat in any way) Friends have told me how she goes on and on about the big wasteful birthday parties I have ( all her kids are invited and we allways so no gifts from anyone) for him and how it's not fair that her son comes over to our house to play and wants some of the things my son has. She has also told me how they would love to take a Disney Trip but just don't have the money to do it with 4 and it would be to hard to try to keep up with 4 in the parks.
So don't let anyone make you feel bad because you have any # of kids. You have what makes you happy.
I have a wonderful, well behaved, smart and sweet boy and he is any only!

It works the other way too. I have six of the most behaved, smart and sweet children. You cannot believe the comments I get about my kids having to "fight to survive" in such a large household. Not true, my kids are calm and quiet (most of the time). They also get to do everything (and more) small families do. We have taken them on many, many trips including Disney three times (and one planned for April). I find the comments hurtful and I do believe most people who say them are jealous of my family.

 

[ebtbmom]

I have never thought that people were jealous of my only having 1 child. In some ways I am jealous of them having more than 1 because I wish that I felt like I could do that. I see there are some benefits of having more than one, but I can't convince myself to do it. And everytime I think about it seriously I come up with 100 reasons not to, not the least of which is my horrible BP when I'm not on meds.

Oh well, everyone's life is different! Like DH has told me, if you are happy with our life the way it is, why change it?

 

[Rylee]

Well I have to chime in here.
The people that care so much is because they think their opinion is all that matters and is right. The end.
I find it very insulting when parents of onlies say that those of us who have more than one child are jealous. I have not ever been jealous of any parent because of the amount of children they have. I think that is ridiculous and condescending. We do just as much and sometimes even more than people we know who have onlies. So I find that agrument very insulting.

On the other end of it- I support anyone's decision to have as many or as little children as they want. I am not them and it is none of my business. I don't tell people they should have more or they should have any. I think each individual needs to decide what is best for them. I could turn this around and tell you about the million rude comments I have gotten from complete strangers because I have a larger family. At the end of the day it is nobody's business. YMMV.

I totally agree with you.

We have 5 children... I wanted 7, yep... 7, but that didn't happen.

Jealous of those who have one child... me... NEVER! I wanted a large family, why would I, or anyone who chose to have a large family, be jealous of those with one child?

And why does it turn to money and what one can give to their "only" child? We travel, wear nice clothes, pay for music & dance lesson, enroll them in every sport, and have two (so far) with 4+ year college degrees, they all have cell phones, DSI's, ipods, etc. And ya know what... that's nice, that's important, but when I count my blessings, I count the love and the hugs, and the laughter, the rewards, and the obstacles and challenges we've overcome, etc., X 5.

That said, I respect the freedom for everyone to choose what's right for them... 1 kid, 6 children, childless... I have no reason to judge how many children one chooses to have.

 

[Debbie7452]

I have 4 but I would never judge anyone else by my insanity!

There are days I would trade places with you in a split second...That said, my nephew is an only and he stays with us when his parents go on vacation(what's one more? LOL). The chaos and sibling "stuff" make him crazy. When his parents come home he thanks them for him being an only!! Yes, my wonderful tactful Mom told me this. My Sis would never tell me for fear of hurting my feelings.

3 out of my 4 are gone to activities right now and there is PEACE....aahhhhh.

 

[DawnM]

Well.......it is actually 19 kids and counting now!

Oh, and come on, admit it, you are just jealous!

Dawn

I will admit that I am highly judgmental of the "18 and Counting" family. I can't help it.

 

[tinkerfan1]

You know, what is good for one person might be WAY wrong for another. Also, sometimes people just ask because they assume you would be happier if you had things exactly the way they do. Well, you wouldn't necessarily. Only you know that. Funny quick (??) story. I was telling a co-worker who lives in China about another co-worker who lives in Mexico that had just had their 2nd child. The co-worker in China gasped, "Oh!! Did they mean to???!!!" You see, as you know, in China, they aren't allowed to have a 2nd child, at least not without penalties or something. She was just amazed that somebody would WANT a 2nd. To her, it was just expected that you would only want one. She has been amazed when I have told her that our DD has willingly become pregnant now with her 5th! Now, I will take those grandbabies and love them to pieces but would I have ever had 5 of my own? I don't think so. Don't let anybody make you feel guilty. Just be the best parent you can be and raise a great child.

 

[kjetjl]

And everytime I think about it seriously I come up with 100 reasons not to, not the least of which is my horrible BP when I'm not on meds.

Oh well, everyone's life is different! Like DH has told me, if you are happy with our life the way it is, why change it?

My OB was able to switch me to a safer bp med for pregnancy. There is always a risk but I had no problems and delivered 2 healthy children while I was taking bp meds. I am pregnant now and actually this time around, I had to reduce my bp meds because my blood pressure is so good.

That being said, it really is nobody's business how many kids you have.
More than jealously, I think many people base their decision on the number of kids to have on their own situation growing up.

My mom was an only child. She was lonely as a child and had a difficult time when her mom was sick and she was the only one to take care of her. My niece has only one and my mom does sometimes say things to imply she should have more. But her husband was an only child and he loved it. Thankfully, they both understand where my mom is coming from and dont hold it against her.

My mom went on to have 9 children. And I am pregnant with #7. I loved being part of a big family and I am certain that experience plays a big role in our decision in how many children we have.

I have a sister who has one (not by choice but due to fertility issues) and I see how comments have hurt her over the years.

I just wish all people would be less judgmental about the comments they make about family size.

 

[jodifla]

Plenty of judgment against only children as well.


Now, it's different today...women who have large families tend to do it by choice. But in my parents generation, it often wasn't that way. Women had little say over their reproduction, and often had far more children then they actually wanted.

I knew several families like this. And the parents were pretty up-front about it. And there wasn't enough...money, attention, desire even to parent such a large brood. Those are all the feelings that come back to me when I see a large family. Of these families I'm thinking about, one one or two in each family had any children at all. Most had none, because they'd done all their child rearing of brothers and sisters when they were only children.