Who rules the cash in your house?

[MrsPete]

I didn't see the show, but that couple's problems have nothing to do with money. Money is just a tool he uses to control her, and she can only blame herself for allowing it.

I didn't see the show, but we've all heard similar stories before. The women in these cases usually end up looking all pathetic and victimized, but the truth is that they have issues that go beyond money. A typical scenerio might be that the woman felt insecure and unready for adulthood, so she chose a man -- probably older -- who likes "being in charge" and who makes her feel safe . . . and together they play on one another's needs . . . for years she plays the part of the obedient little child, while he takes on the role of Big Daddy . . . then after a while she realizes that this isn't too cool, and she's given away more control than she ever intended . . . little by little he's become more and more demanding . . . but he has no problems with living up to his end of the unspoken deal they've made together.

 

[MrsPete]

We both know all the passwords to accounts, both know where all the files are, and we keep a spreadsheet that we update with monthly bills due/paid.

This is really important! My husband and I recently made a list of all our accounts, passwords, etc. He was the one who started the list, and it was a good idea. I can check on the computer to see how much we have in checking, 401K, etc. . . . but if something were to happen to him, I wouldn't have known exactly how to access all the various investments and life insurance. Now we have a list of "things to do in case of emergency".

It's really something everyone should do. We didn't even get it right the first time: we both remembered things that should've been included in the list. I take care of our homeowners/car insurance, and he didn't know anything much about that -- now the policy number/agent's name is on the list. He totally forgot one very small investment that he didn't have on the computer spreadsheet. So we've added to our list -- I think it's complete now.

 

[meloneyb21]

This is really important! My husband and I recently made a list of all our accounts, passwords, etc. He was the one who started the list, and it was a good idea. I can check on the computer to see how much we have in checking, 401K, etc. . . . but if something were to happen to him, I wouldn't have known exactly how to access all the various investments and life insurance. Now we have a list of "things to do in case of emergency".

It's really something everyone should do. We didn't even get it right the first time: we both remembered things that should've been included in the list. I take care of our homeowners/car insurance, and he didn't know anything much about that -- now the policy number/agent's name is on the list. He totally forgot one very small investment that he didn't have on the computer spreadsheet. So we've added to our list -- I think it's complete now.

That's a great idea

 

[seven dwarfs]

I pay most bills in our house but the money is equal. We do not spend any money without talking about it. It is not a ask permission type talk though, just a should we can we afford type talk. The only problem we have is never enough money! I will say I am a hairdresser and meet all kinds of people and it is sad but I have clients who have husbands who control every dime in the house. I have one who makes the checks out exact. It breaks my heart to see this.

 

[mjbaby]

What did Dr. Phil say?????

Yes, do tell!


In our house, my husband pays the bills on a month-to-month basis (although I'm informed about them) and I deal with investments (although he's informed about them). I don't really love his method of handling the bills, but because I don't particularly want to take over the task, I don't stress about it.

We didn't explicitly plan to have this arrangement of bills/investments, it's just turned out to be where our strengths lie.

 

[floridahippy]

I have always been the one who deals with all the money in our house - DH hasnt really got a clue - everything is written down if anything should happen to me.
I dont think I could survive if I didnt have control of the money!!! I keep record of everything we spend on the pc daily and if i didnt do this i would be in a mess - so thankful for pc's!!!!
The only thing that would be nice if i was suddenly told by dh that we had a few more thousand stashed!!!

 

[MEM]

At my house I am the worker bee and DH is the SAHD. He handles all the finances and we each get an equal monthly allowance. We have to get each other's permission for purchases above $25, unless it comes out of our allowance. I have access to all of our money and know exactly what we have and where it goes. Allowing him to handle the money ensures that my salary goes further.

 

[mommiepoppins]

we both rule

 

[nbodyhome]

I agree that it has nothing to do with money (from what is written here). The guy sounds controlling to the point of abuse, like she is a prisoner.

He obviously has an even bigger problem if he's willing to go on Dr. Phil (if he thinks that type of behavior is okay).

I have the checkbook in our household. I am better with money. But if DH wants to look over anything, or has any input on budgeting, etc. I'd be very happy for us to go over everything together.

 

[Chicago526]

While I'm the book keeper and bill payer, I'd never treat DH like what the OP posted. We both get $25 a week for "whatever" and if either of us need more for some reason, room can be found in the budget. Large purchases are discussed in advance and budgeted/saved for. I just don't understand people who treat others like that.

 

[mickeyfan2]

We both make major decisions but I handle the bill paying. He knows how much they are, since I put the bills on the desk so he can see them. We each handle part of our investments but the other one is kept informed.

 

[mlwear]

DH handles investments.

Other finances, regular savings and household budget are COMPLETELY up to me. DH works a lot of hours and I would never trust him to get bills paid on time and he agrees. I've offered to turn it over to him and have asked that he share responsibility, but he has no interest. Maybe once a year he will ask to see how things are going. I am sure that he has no idea what his net pay is. I am also sure that he doesn't really care. He just works, of course he is always glad to get a raise or bonus. He doesn't overspend. He buys gas and withdraws from the ATM what he needs, which isn't anything excessive, mostly money for lunch. He never tells me when he uses the debit/ATM card, I just check online every so often and record it. Neither of us, however, will make large purchases without consulting the other. This was a decision we made very early in our marriage. Sometimes I don't like that the whole financial management burden is on me. But, the whole burden of making an income is on him. I don't think financial matters will ever be simple for any family, But, DH and I have never had an argument about money and we've been married for almost 14 years.

I saw part of the Dr. Phil show,too. I have a friend whose DH was so controlling which included the money. When he went to Iraq, she had to take over most things (although with online banking, he could see what she was doing and turns out he was doing some things on his own). She learned that she could manage well without him and felt free while he was gone. She filed for divorce (as a military family member I had mixed feelings about her doing this while he was deployed, but not my business). She said now that she knew what it was like to not be controlled, she would never go back to it. She learned in the divorce that there was a HUGE nonsecured debt acquired in their marriage, she knew nothing about it.

 

[imsayin]

I rule the cash in our house, but I don't control DH's spending. We consult on large purchases, otherwise, we spend what we need. Luckily we're on the same page in terms of not overspending.

 

[DVC Sadie]

No one rules the cash in our house. We both have separate money to spend as we wish and then we confer with each other on the bigger expenditures. My dh is the one who physically sits to pay bills while I pay some bills online.

Our investments are also done separately but we both know what each other is doing at any given time.

 

[ducklite]

I was just watching Dr. Phil and it made me so mad......The husband has 2 jobs and the wife is a SAHM. He told her to quit work and stay home and take care of the kids, yet he won't give her any spending money.......

That's an abusive reltaionship. Period.

Anne

 

[magiroux]

For the life of me, I will never understand why married people want to air their personal problems on national TV. I think we have a good marraige, but we are human and there are issues that we work on. I couldn't imagine discussing them on TV.

This post reminds of the movie, Joy Luck Club, and the scene where they argue about the wife having to pay to get rid of the fleas on a cat the husband gave her as a gift, and the "ice cream" coming out of the "shared" expenses budget when she is allergic to ice cream. I have to say that whole scene kind of gave me the "willies".

In our house, I handle all the day to day stuff, bank accts, bills, etc and DH handles all stock, retirement and college investments.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I was just watching Dr. Phil and it made me so mad......The husband has 2 jobs and the wife is a SAHM. He told her to quit work and stay home and take care of the kids, yet he won't give her any spending money.

He:
1. Makes her account for every $ spent down to a pack of chewing gum.
2. Looks over the grocery list and erases anything he thinks is unneccessary.
3. Threatened to cut off cable, internet, phone, and ATM card when she went to WalMart to buy an .84 pack of gum.
4. Says that she should ask before she buys a big purchase of $5 or $10 or more.
5. Only gives her money for food and toiletries.

She says that he didn't even pay for their dinner on the first date, but she thought nothing about it at the time. He doesn't provide money for clothes, toys or gas and she still wears her maternity clothes because she can't go clothes shopping. She feels as though that he financially "cheats" on her because she finds receipts of his from Starbucks, and he bought $100 worth of computer stuff when the kids needed clothes. He also goes to lunch and a movie alone so he doesn't have to pay for her or anybody else. He said that since HE provides, HE gets the priviledges....how selfish!

To make matters worse, he leaves for the military in a few days from that show and because he kept her so in the dark about money, she has no idea what to do or how she's gonna support herself and the kids while he's away. She gets child support from her ex-husband but that's only enough to cover the things that he said he wouldn't buy for her......What the h*ll is she gonna do? It made me so mad to see this man treat her that way.

I'm a SAHM but my DH wouldn't DARE .....

I see every penny that comes in this house and I have ALL bank cards and whatnot to make sure that everything is paid and that WE are taken care of. Sometimes us women have to cover our own a$$ no matter what. SAHM or whatever you do.......

My BIL is like that loser and what kills me about it is that my DSis also works and it's because of her job that they have insurance. And he's a computer geek so he buys himself all sorts of gizmos but freaks when she wants to buy a pair of shorts (i've seen it myself). I'm worried bc DSis wants to become a SAHM and if he's like that now, I can't imagine what it will be like then! I've told him off about it sometimes but to no avail.

BTW, I control the money in our house, i.e., I do the bills, expenses, etc. My mom who also has always been a SAHM also is the money person. So we have no clue where my DSis got this acceptance from.

 

[KelNottAt]

My father, paternal grandfather, maternal grandfather, and father-in-law all subscribe(d) to the same general philosophy as the husband the OP describes. Not to such an extreme, but same general idea: "I outrank you because I earn the money, I'm in charge of the money, and you should be grateful I spend some of it on you."

As a child, I watched this treatment harm my Mom and destroy my parents marriage. I vowed I would never live under those conditions when I'm married. So I don't. I feel compelled to work full-time as protection from that environment, but that's OK. (I don't fear DH would turn into one of the men I listed above. I just know dependency would make me miserable.)

Anyway, DH and I make joint decisions about where the money goes, whether savings or big purchases. I handle the monthly task of writing out the bills. I handle day-to-day purchases. DH is pretty much fine with everything I do/buy as long as we never reduce the amounts we deposit into savings and we never carry a balance on the credit card. When those 2 conditions are met he's happy b/c he feels secure and I'm happy because I have the freedom to do/buy what we need and want whenever I want.

 

[fiveforall]

My EX (huge emphasis on the ex part) husband was just like the husband on the Dr. Phil show. He had so many insecurities, yet he was able to totally browbeat me into believing I was an ignorant, worthless, ugly slob not even deserving of him. Despite being educated and told that I was nice looking by others, I still believed every word he told me. He monitored all spending. I remember him yelling at me for "wasting" aluminum foil. I had covered something that could have gone in a tupperwear bowl. He would go with me on the rare occasions I bought clothes, and would complain the entire time. Yet, he had no problem buying new trucks, stereo equipment, etc. Eventually the physical and mental abuse was too much and I left him. Now I'm married to a kind CPA who asks me to handle all the finances. He happily just hands over his check.

 

[katerkat]

Wow - as a military wife, that's kind of dangerous. I have access to all our accounts, including his government credit card, in case something happens while he's deployed.

In our house, I basically control the money - pay all the bills, update Money, decide what goes into savings, etc. I give him a spreadsheet at the end of every month to show him how we did. We don't have a weekly allowance but we talk about almost every purchase beyond grocery shopping, etc.

I, too, have a list of all the passwords and accounts in our safe - otherwise DH would not have a clue what to do if something happened to me.