What to do when a friends daughter dies???

[Sgt Mickey]

Okay so an older lady I used to work with her daughter passed away this morning from a long battle with cancer. The daughter was my age.
What should I do??? Bring food over? Flowers/card? Money? I know it is a preference person to person but please give me suggestions so I can see what she would like the most???

 

[Christine]

I guess I would need to understand the nature of your relationship.

Your subject title says that this woman is a friend, so I'm thinking you have an ongoing current friendship. Yet your post says "an older lady I used to work with...."

So do you see her regularly or did you just used to work together and now only keep in touch through e-mail?

1. Current face-to-face friends: I would do flowers/card/bring a dish to her house if she's overwhelmed.

2. Ex coworker and e-mail friend now: flowers to the funeral home, card to the house.

 

[deserrai]

I would take food.

 

[dmiller64152]

Take food. I grew up in a small town and that's how we always helped out. She may have relatives coming into town who will need to eat, and that's the last thing she should have to worry about, plus she will need to eat also. And if she's a close friend, you might offer to help pick up the house if she'll have guests. Just call her and make some suggestions -- don't say "let me know if I can do anything" but rather, "Can I help X, Y, or Z" to let her know you're serious!

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I guess I would need to understand the nature of your relationship.

Your subject title says that this woman is a friend, so I'm thinking you have an ongoing current friendship. Yet your post says "an older lady I used to work with...."

So do you see her regularly or did you just used to work together and now only keep in touch through e-mail?

1. Current face-to-face friends: I would do flowers/card/bring a dish to her house if she's overwhelmed.

2. Ex coworker and e-mail friend now: flowers to the funeral home, card to the house.

She is an older lady I used to work with but I would consider her a friend. Know her for 6 years now. I don't see her as often as I did when I worked but there but try to visit when I can.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

She also just recently had a hip replacement because she broke her hip while trying to take care of her daughter so food is a great idea. I know though the squadron will be doing food for her if they are still the way they were when I worked there.

 

[mmouse37]

Sadly, our good friend who lives next door and whose DD was best friends with our DD passed away last April from complications of lymphoma. She was 23. Our DD had been friends with her since kindergarten and were even college roomates.

it was a heartbreaking time and when we found out (she died at home unexpectedly) we rushed over and just offered comfort to the family. Our friend was in shock for the first day. They were getting tons of people stopping over so we just took care of ordering food for that day and for the day of the funeral when everyone went back to their house. We organized with other friends/relatives on who was bringing what when so they were not overloaded with food. Kept this up for a few weeks after. We were there just about everyday for 2 weeks and just did what needed to get done. We knew they would never ask for anything so we tried to anticipate what they might need but the best thing we could offer was just to be there.

It is never easy. My heart goes out to them.

 

[LisaInNc]

Wait a few weeks and then make her some food. People tend to flock around the first few weeks. After that she still needs some strength.

After a few weeks ask her to meet you for dinner, lunch, anything just make her get out of the house.

If that does not work ask her the help you with something. That might help getting her out of the house.

I really can't imagine what that is like and you are a great friend for asking!

Lisa

 

[MistressMerryweather]

Food. Fruit, yogurt, quick grabs, freezer meals. Food is overwhelming. You have to eat, but even the most miniscule things seem to be so hard and exhausting in grief. When my brother died in April, we were grateful for every bit of food we got.

Another thing, is a basketful of necessities. Toilet paper, paper towels, dishwashing liquid, napkins, paper cup, plates and plastic silverware, bottled water.
These things were so helpful to us. Who wants to run out for any of this stuff. Plus, there are people in and out, and it's just helpful.

I would bring something now, and then again in a few weeks.

 

[MIGrandma]

If there is going to be a funeral I would probably go to one of the visitations. If she was a really close friend I would attend the daughter's funeral, but if you don't see her often I think just going to the visitation would be good.

I would also send her a card with a handwritten note. Maybe flowers to the funeral home.

But I would definitely take food, AFTER the funeral. Most people tend to take food the first few days after someone passes away and I've learned that it's AFTER the funeral, when people go back to their own lives, is when a person who has lost a loved one needs caring for the most.

A neighbor lady of ours passed away just a few days after Christmas. We farm their farm for them and they live just around the corner. I took food to him a couple of weeks later and spent some time visiting with him. He seemed to appreciate that. I plan to take something over to him at least once a month. Like if I make lasagna for us, make a smaller one for him. And homemade cookies from time to time. Stuff like that.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Sadly, our good friend who lives next door and whose DD was best friends with our DD passed away last April from complications of lymphoma. She was 23. Our DD had been friends with her since kindergarten and were even college roomates.

it was a heartbreaking time and when we found out (she died at home unexpectedly) we rushed over and just offered comfort to the family. Our friend was in shock for the first day. They were getting tons of people stopping over so we just took care of ordering food for that day and for the day of the funeral when everyone went back to their house. We organized with other friends/relatives on who was bringing what when so they were not overloaded with food. Kept this up for a few weeks after. We were there just about everyday for 2 weeks and just did what needed to get done. We knew they would never ask for anything so we tried to anticipate what they might need but the best thing we could offer was just to be there.

It is never easy. My heart goes out to them.

Thanks. I am sorry for your loss. You sound like a good neighbor

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Wait a few weeks and then make her some food. People tend to flock around the first few weeks. After that she still needs some strength.

After a few weeks ask her to meet you for dinner, lunch, anything just make her get out of the house.

If that does not work ask her the help you with something. That might help getting her out of the house.

I really can't imagine what that is like and you are a great friend for asking!

Lisa

You know thank you this is something that seems so obvious but I was not thinking of it. She has another daughter but she does not live close by so I will do this when I know her daughter has left and help fill that time that would usually be spent with her dd who passed who lived close. Thank you.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Food. Fruit, yogurt, quick grabs, freezer meals. Food is overwhelming. You have to eat, but even the most miniscule things seem to be so hard and exhausting in grief. When my brother died in April, we were grateful for every bit of food we got.

Another thing, is a basketful of necessities. Toilet paper, paper towels, dishwashing liquid, napkins, paper cup, plates and plastic silverware, bottled water.
These things were so helpful to us. Who wants to run out for any of this stuff. Plus, there are people in and out, and it's just helpful.

I would bring something now, and then again in a few weeks.

Thanks good idea I will start to pick up some small stuff.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

If there is going to be a funeral I would probably go to one of the visitations. If she was a really close friend I would attend the daughter's funeral, but if you don't see her often I think just going to the visitation would be good.

I would also send her a card with a handwritten note. Maybe flowers to the funeral home.

But I would definitely take food, AFTER the funeral. Most people tend to take food the first few days after someone passes away and I've learned that it's AFTER the funeral, when people go back to their own lives, is when a person who has lost a loved one needs caring for the most.

A neighbor lady of ours passed away just a few days after Christmas. We farm their farm for them and they live just around the corner. I took food to him a couple of weeks later and spent some time visiting with him. He seemed to appreciate that. I plan to take something over to him at least once a month. Like if I make lasagna for us, make a smaller one for him. And homemade cookies from time to time. Stuff like that.

Thank you. I am definitely plan on going to the funeral. Thanks I will keep all this in mind.

 

[DebbieB]

Visiting her a week or two later is a good idea. When my mom died (we lived together) alot of people were around during the funeral time and right after. But then everyone kind of went back to normal life and I felt very lonely. That's when it really hit me.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Visiting her a week or two later is a good idea. When my mom died (we lived together) alot of people were around during the funeral time and right after. But then everyone kind of went back to normal life and I felt very lonely. That's when it really hit me.

I am sorry. I will make sure to make time for her and I to do lunch often.

 

[anniemae]

I would bring her a deli platter, some rolls, and chips. This way she has food for when folks stop by.

Also, let her feel how she feels and break down if she needs to. Just be there for her. I know many people in that situation say to take charge and don't tell her to let you know if there is anything you can do. Be specific and say, "can I get you groceries," "can I drive you to church," "can I help clean around the house?"

What an awful tragedy.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I would bring her a deli platter, some rolls, and chips. This way she has food for when folks stop by.

Also, let her feel how she feels and break down if she needs to. Just be there for her. I know many people in that situation say to take charge and don't tell her to let you know if there is anything you can do. Be specific and say, "can I get you groceries," "can I drive you to church," "can I help clean around the house?"

What an awful tragedy.

Thanks. I will good suggestions. Thank you.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wait a few weeks and then make her some food. People tend to flock around the first few weeks. After that she still needs some strength.

After a few weeks ask her to meet you for dinner, lunch, anything just make her get out of the house.

If that does not work ask her the help you with something. That might help getting her out of the house.

I really can't imagine what that is like and you are a great friend for asking!

Lisa

This is what I was going to say.

 

[LBKB]

We lost our son Aug 27 2012 in a horrible car accident he was 21 coming home from first day in his 3rd year at college (he commuted). Go visit and be there for them but as food goes everyone brings it at first wait a little while then bring in something. Listen Listen Listen and as for us people never knew what to say no one has any magical words and dont forget the person who passed we love hearing about our son. Most move on and expect us to too but that isnt how it is. My life has stopped Aug 27 even though I live each day its not even close to our old life. Everyone seems to think they know how we feel o no I've lost a HUGE part of us. Be there and continue to be there for them. Keep them busy if possible go out for lunch or supper or even yet have them to your house so they are out of their usual element. Love them Going through this really shows who your true friends are so be there for them.