What to do?? Husband left us!!

[beccamarie]

I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I am glad you are still going on your trip. I know it will mean so much to your son! Stay strong and we are always here for you if you need support!

 

[Ellie42699]

Thank you all for your kind words. This really hit me hard when it broke, its bad enough he is having an affair, but to find out that she is 20, lives with her parents and that its been going on for quite some time is just unthinkable! He travels alot for his job, so this is how he met her and sees her when he is on the road. He spent 1 day with my son this weekend and was MIA Friday night and all day today! So we all know where he was! I need to be strong for my son, we must survive and move on. Luckily, I have a wonderful Dr that has given me some meds to help with all these emotions!
I put my faith in God and believe everything happens for a reason and thats the hope I hold onto right now!

 

[beachbunny]

Airline ticket: Once a ticket is purchased, it belongs to that person, not to the family. So your husband's ticket belongs to him. Depending on the ticket, the most he will get is a credit. And when he uses the credit to book another flight, a change fee may be deducted from the credit. If it's a discount ticket, most likely there will be no credit at all.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

I put my faith in God and believe everything happens for a reason and thats the hope I hold onto right now!

This is exactly who will carry you through! But know all of here are here too! Divorces suck! But I will tell you life after gets better!! Oh and meds are great too!!

 

[PearlySwan]

Thank you all for your kind words. This really hit me hard when it broke, its bad enough he is having an affair, but to find out that she is 20, lives with her parents and that its been going on for quite some time is just unthinkable! He travels alot for his job, so this is how he met her and sees her when he is on the road. He spent 1 day with my son this weekend and was MIA Friday night and all day today! So we all know where he was! I need to be strong for my son, we must survive and move on. Luckily, I have a wonderful Dr that has given me some meds to help with all these emotions!
I put my faith in God and believe everything happens for a reason and thats the hope I hold onto right now!

^^^ Ellie, I know this won't help you any, but I can't tell you how many of my friends have gone throught the exact (or similar) scenario you've described above. It's an epidemic. Some people like to call what your husband has done, the "mid-life crisis." I like to call it, the "caca head phase" of a man's life. It's normal to feel as if it's about the other woman's age, beauty, etc. It's not! Don't take it personally. It's not about you. Men who do this type of thing think they can hang on to youth themselves by going with a much younger woman. You know what? That relationship won't last. But that's nothing you ought to be concerned with at this point. You know you had a good marriage. You worked at it for 20 yrs. You had a son together. If your husband is willing to throw it all away, it's not your fault. He is the one making the poor choice here. Don't take it personally. Your priorities right now are you and your son. Period. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your son too. You can't fall apart because if you do, your son will feel it and be at a loss (from dad being physically gone and mom being emotionally gone). Do whatever it takes to take care of you two. If your Doc is prescribing something now, take it. Then explore the alternatives with therapy for both you and your son. You sound as a very strong person. Be true to yourself and you'll make it. One day at a time. One day at a time. Hang in there girlfriend.

 

[seashoreCM]

How are your checking and savings accounts divided currently?

You can petition the divorce court to consider the wasted airplane ticket part of his share.

Meanwhile you need to cancel joint credit cards and move your share of money out of joint bank accounts. Promptly.

Disney hints: http://www.cockam.com/disney.htm

 

[fairestoneofall]

i'm so sorry you are going through this! you've gotten some great advice. i just wanted to offer support and to say that i'm praying for you. you sound like a great mom and exactly what your son needs!

 

[HelenParr]

For anything you cannot recoup, you may be able to get some redress from court proceeding, as PP said. So be sure to keep track and let your lawyer know.

I hope you have a fantastic trip. And for what it's worth, I can share from my experience being the kid in this scenario (now 30 years later) that your son will adjust. It's never easy, but time heals and as he gets older he'll understand. And it'll be really cool for him (10 years from now) telling his college buddies, "hey, my mom was very cool and still took us to Disney even when she was having a tough time."

Hang in there

 

[Boo Bear]

The only advice I have is to stay strong! I can tell how much you love your son from what you've said. You'll love each other through this. Disney World will never make the pain of the real world go away, but sometimes it's a great way to escape for a few days and remember how it feels to be happy and have fun. You and your son are in my thoughts

 

[kaytieeldr]

The only advice I can give you is to call the airlines, be honest and I am sure they will refund you the price for the ticket (you could always say that he is going to be in the hospital with a wife-inflicted head injury).

Please don't, for several reasons (not the least of which, if anything happens to him and he or someone he knows reads this thread, it can be considered a valid threat). Be HONEST with the airline. Depending on the airline, you may be able to get SOME type of credit that can be used by another person.

As you can see from one of the original responses, UndercoverTourist WILL accept returns. Sure, there's a small fee - but you'll get most of your money back, and since only authorized ticket resellers may legitimately sell tickets, this really IS your best route. Granted, you're honest - but a buyer has NO guarantee from you that the ticket is valid/unused.

YOU can't cancel a Dining Plan - the person from whom you rented the points with have to do that. Contact them ASAP. Several people have advised NOT changing your actual dining reservations - they're correct. Reservations for two are hard to get. Just show up with two - with the exception of any meal that required a deposit or payment in full. You WILL need to cancel the third person on those, or you'll be billed the deposit or full meal.

 

[dolphindan1]

I thought about bringing along one of ds friend or nephew, but I also have other family members going on this trip, so my son will have his two cousins there. Thank goodness this trip is paid for, however other finances will be tight so I could really use the extra money & savings from the meal plan. I really think I'm going to get stuck with the airline ticket, but luckily i bought my tickets when they were 219.09 round trip, so altough I'm bummed I'll lose that, it could be much worse!

I agree with this take his closest friend...this he will remember forever and that his friend was there for him....I think going is the best option...I went a month after I loss my dad and it helped to recover and get my mind off everything...

good luck to your family...Divorce is a hard thing to deal with....just keep in mind...Us guys are idiots....Also the best thing you can do is make sure the dad remains a part of your sons life and that, you no matter how hard it is, stay civil and considerate in his presence around your son....No matter how stupid you think your former husband is he is still that kids dad...make sure he knows that and so does your son...

A friend of mine just went thru this and the ex-wife is so mean and will not let him see the child...she stick soley by the court order...He wants to see the child more but is not allowed...I think this is wrong...Divorce is husband and wife not father son or mother daughter....its not the kids fault dont make him hate his dad cause he cant see him...

 

[Sammie]

Good luck with all of what you are going through. As other has suggested do not change your ADRs, call Undercover and explain and see about a refund, if not keep or sell it.

Airline, call and just be honest you might get someone will to credit for a future flight, it won't hurt to try.

And just some personal advice, you are fixing to go through a divorce involving a minor child, I would not discuss anything else pertaining to your situation on a public forum.

I wish you the best and hope you son can enjoy his trip.

 

[Tara922c]

I would save the ticket for next time you go. Call the airline, and the DVC owners to see what you can do. As far as the ADRs, just go, and say one person couldn't make it. Shouldn't be a problem. I am so sorry for you, and your son. The best possible thing you can do for him, is what you are doing. Good luck!

 

[justkem]

You have all of my sympathy in this extremely difficult time.

I think the advice about offering to take one of your son's close friends with is excellent. Sharing something like that is awesome, he'll remember it and thank you for it for the rest of his life. I can understand wanting to save as much money as possible, though, too. Is it possible to trim down things like the cable bill/cell plans/other discretionary spending to make it work?

Regarding the advice given here, it's all very good advice. My next couple of questions [rhetorical, and just things to consider, but not answer online]:

Does your employer or your husband's work have an Employee Assistance Program? If so, talk with him about getting counseling for yourself and your son. Divorce is tough, and professionals help. Until the divorce is finalized, you are still eligible under those programs.

Protect yourself financially, in every way possible. If possible, find a group of women who have been through similar circumstances. This serves two important purposes: it puts you in touch with women who can help you to view this as a new start on life-- one where you get to call the shots and choose your own adventure, and it increases your networking base if you're finding yourself suddenly in the job market in a down economy.

Be realistic about your future, but not pessimistic. This is so important. Reward yourself for your triumphs, and don't be afraid to forgive yourself for feeling like it's all too much to handle. It isn't, but I don't know a single person who has been through a divorce (even the relatively agreeable ones) who doesn't feel that way at some point or another.

Tell him that you want to resolve the divorce as amicably and fairly as possible, and that you would prefer to avoid a protracted legal battle if at all possible so that you can take care of your son with the resources you have instead of giving money that should be devoted to his education and upbringing to lawyers. Ask him what his "best case scenario" looks like, and use the skills that the two of you have developed over 20 years of marriage to not react if he is being unreasonable. You need to look at this like a business partnership now, with your son as your investment. If you work together, not letting emotions get in the way, you have the best chance of success. If he's being a stupid little boy, be the adult. Remember that a stupid little boy is not your emotional or intellectual equal, but that you still do need to treat him like one in order to avoid a temper tantrum on his part (and additional heartache on yours). Pretend that it doesn't hurt when you're with him. Make a game of not letting it show, and play that game as well as you possibly can until you're amongst friends who will be there for you to let you vent and beat up pillows.

This one's going to be hard, but don't lie to your son. You don't need to tell him that his dad has been cheating on you, but you do need to be clear with him and say that there is no chance of you and his father getting back together, and that this is a decision that both of you agree with. Let him know that sometimes people grow up and grow apart, and there isn't really anything that can be done. Sometimes those differences are too wide to cross. Reassure him that you will always be there for him, and let him know that his dad is going through a tough time trying to find himself right now. Tell him that he may not want to be around both of you right now because he doesn't want to hurt you, and doesn't know how to redefine the way that family works. It may be true, it may not be, but it is better than silence (which will *always, always* be interpreted by the kid as a possible situation where it might be his fault that his mom and dad aren't together anymore).

Then go to the library and get some good reading material. Nolan's book on divorce was particularly good. Know what you're talking about so your lawyer doesn't have to spend time (=$$$) explaining details to you. It will be an empowering experience, in the end, and will help *you* to communicate to him what your rights are.

There are a million good books out there for the emotional stuff, too. Finding a good therapist who can make some good recommendations after getting a feel for who you are and what your situation is would be a very worthwhile investment, even if it is $90/hour.

All things considered, I'm pretty sure the judge would be sympathetic to your request for your husband to pay that cost.

 

[justkem]

And... as a final thought, I agree with the above posters about not going into any more discussions about the details of the divorce in any kind of online situation. It sucks, but it's reality.

Much luck to you, and enjoy your vacation for the sweet new start on life that it is. Years from now, you'll be able to look at this all as a sort of mid-life rebirth... as trite as it sounds, it is very, very true.

 

[Lindy Loo]

Ive Pmed you. xxx


Lots of Pixie Dust for you and your Son

 

[tttessa]

Hiya,

lots of good advice on this thread - I would also be aware that your son may find the holiday difficult...... "dad would have loved this, wish dad was here, etc....".

If you don't make him aware that his dad left you (not him) and is with someone else, so it is his DAD who won't come back, you may get the guilts piled on you.. His dad should really tell him, by the way...

Be strong, life gets better....

Tessa

 

[DisneyAndRedSox]

First I have to say I am so sorry and

If you still go, I assume you are flying. If all 3 tickets are under one reservation number you need to call the airline. I heard if one person on the reservation doesn't show up there can be issues.

 

[DisneyAndRedSox]

Airline ticket: Once a ticket is purchased, it belongs to that person, not to the family. So your husband's ticket belongs to him. Depending on the ticket, the most he will get is a credit. And when he uses the credit to book another flight, a change fee may be deducted from the credit. If it's a discount ticket, most likely there will be no credit at all.

If they are on Southwest she might be able to use the credit later w/in a year. Not sure if they have changed they way they do things, but once DH had to cancel a flight and they gave us a reference number for a credit, I used it later that year with no issues.

 

[justgeorgi]

Well in the divorce settlement I would make sure he pays you back for his portion of this trip.

I'm so sorry for the suffering he put you through. Real mean do not cheat on their wives and rip apart their families!