What if your daughter

[SaraJayne]

The DIS never fails to make me feel grateful for my family.

Maybe I should start having my kids read this crap.

Nah, I prefer to keep them in the dark about all the crazies in the world. They can figure it out the hard way, like I did.

 

[SaraJayne]

"That's good, because I don't want to have to kill you. It would ruin the carpet."

Best answer on the thread.

 

[disykat]

Hopefully he's regretting his witty remark. Funny? Yes. Appropriate? No.

I'm on the "adults visiting someones home should not want to offend their hosts" side. It always amazes me on all these threads when it seems to come down to a "but adults can do whatever they want!" whine. It's so contradictory in my mind. Part of the definition of being an adult is being able to read situations and suck it up and act appropriately even if it's not exactly what you want at that moment.

 

[Emteach]

Hopefully he's regretting his witty remark. Funny? Yes. Appropriate? No.

I'm on the "adults visiting someones home should not want to offend their hosts" side. It always amazes me on all these threads when it seems to come down to a "but adults can do whatever they want!" whine. It's so contradictory in my mind. Part of the definition of being an adult is being able to read situations and suck it up and act appropriately even if it's not exactly what you want at that moment.

This is absolutely how I feel. Couldnt have said it better myself. I am in my 20's and yes the OPs daughter is an adult and can make their own decisions, absolutely. That being said what the boyfriend said certainly didnt sound like a mature adult. Part of being an adult is realizing what is appropriate to say, when and where. This is your GF parents in their home, not a group of your 20 year old guy friends. I personally would be pretty embarassed if my BF said that, imo.

 

[pixiewings71]

Dont worry she wont let me do alot of things I want to do. I found it dispicable to say this to a parent of a friend. It is as if he is telling me he has tried or thinks of trying sexual acts upon my daughter and she says no. Why did he not just answer I understand and will respect this. I found it atrocious and very derogatory esp since this was our first meeting.

Why in the world do you automatically assume he's being derogatory at all, why do you automatically assume he's even referring to "relations" at all? When I read that I read it as him saying something along the lines of she won't let me do pot, or do crazy things that put my life in danger (like bungee jumping *first thing that came to mind lol* or driving a motorcycle at 100 mph). My DBF has said things like that numerous times to my Mom and he sure isn't referring to "relations". lol Oh and we've been together for 10 years and my Mom, she adores him.

 

[luvmy3]

"That's good, because I don't want to have to kill you. It would ruin the carpet."

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

classic mis-understanding.

women believe that men cannot relate, he was probably referring to the fact that his girfriend would not let him say anything mean, or hurt somebodies feelings, had nothing at all to do with intimate situation with his girlfriend.






yeah, riiiiiiight!

 

[Andtototoo]

This is absolutely how I feel. Couldnt have said it better myself. I am in my 20's and yes the OPs daughter is an adult and can make their own decisions, absolutely. That being said what the boyfriend said certainly didnt sound like a mature adult. Part of being an adult is realizing what is appropriate to say, when and where. This is your GF parents in their home, not a group of your 20 year old guy friends. I personally would be pretty embarassed if my BF said that, imo.

Did the boyfriend know that was inappropriate to say at the OP's house? As we've seen from this thread, many families would be fine with his words. So it's likely that he may come from a family in which those types of comments are perfectly appropriate and therefore he may have thought it was okay to say them at the OP's house. (Just like my dh's father is a funeral director and thought it was normal to talk about embalming a body over a rare cut of roast beef until I lost my dinner one fine day.)

It's perfectly believable to me that he may heretofore not have had enough life experiences with people like the OP to even question if his words are unacceptable to parental units. So unless his girlfriend gave him a heads up, it's absolutely believable to me that he may not know his words could be offensive. Did the OP's dd give him a heads up or not?

Now, if the OP's dd gave him warning and he chose to act that way regardless, then I'd say he was a graceless dolt.

The question is -- how did the OP's dd feel about his words? Was she good with them or was she embarrassed?

 

[beaucoup]

What if your 20 ish year old daughter brought home her boyrfriend and due to distance he was staying at your home and this will be your first time meeting him. You as the parent just make it clear nicely that while in your home please respect that they should not be sleeping with each other. And when you say this to the both of them His response is oh dont worry she wont let me do alot of things I want to do. As a parent, how would you handle this?

That is funny & I might have laughed. Obviously, you made him nervous and that's what came out of his mouth. Laugh, and show him you are not a wicked uptight family & make him comfortable.

 

[Hrhpd]

I haven't read all the responses, so my apologies if this has already been said.

You brought up the subject of having sex with your daughter first by telling him that there would not be any sleeping together. By approaching the boyfriend and not your daughter, you were implying that he may be thinking of having sex with your daughter, so you needed to set him straight by giving him the rules of the house. YOU were the one who was telling him you were wary of his sexual desire of your daughter, so he needed to sleep in a separate bedroom. YOU brought up the subject of sex first.

So, his response was not appalling at all. He was just responding to your insinuation that they might be thinking of sleeping in the same bedroom.

I view it as an awkwardly way to let you know you should be proud of your daughter.

You were in the wrong and in my opinion, it was rather creepy on your part to approach the boyfriend and tell them he couldn't have sex with your daughter rather than reminding your daughter in private of the house rules and letting her handle it.

 

[mhsjax]

Before or after I picked him up off the floor?

 

[Hrhpd]

Really, I now wonder how most father's would react? It is our house we will explain the rules to anyone who is staying with us. Take off shoes while in the house, no underage drinking, etc,. There is not an excuse in the world for this comment. Because he did not even need to respond. And if he felt the need it should have been I will respect your home, I understand, etc... No excuses given here.

And there was absolutely no reason to bring up the subject of having sex with your daughter upon first meeting.

You are correct in no excuses. But not for the person you are referring to.

If you don't want an off color remark, don't bring up having sex with your daughter in the first place.

 

[Hrhpd]

You know what never ceases to amaze me?

That these 20 year old "adults" (or at least that's what every thread about a 20 year calls them) are considered adults for everything except anything that might make them remotely upset or uncomfortable. Then they become"just a kid".

In my world, adults can handle uncomfortable conversations without saying something totally stupid.

If I had a 20 year old "adult" child who was bringing a significant other home, I would have no problem saying to both "adult" child and "adult" significant other that they would not be sharing a room in my house. I would expect significant other's response to be "OK".

I am a direct person. I say things directly, and I say them to the person/people who need to hear them. If these 20 year old "adults" can't handle that, then perhaps they are not as adult as they think they are.

OP, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, chalk it up to nerves and see how the relationship plays out. She wanted you to meet him, so he can't be all bad....

And I see it as one adult responding to another adult.

The OP brought up the subject of having sex with her daughter and the adult boyfriend answered her as an adult by telling her not to worry.

The OP was treating them as children, not as adults.

 

[Hrhpd]

Everyone does come from a different culture and background and is also of a different age group. Does one culture support these behaviors more than others? Does one religion? It is the comment in and of itself that is deplorable and I would think that it would be frowned upon by most parents of any culture. Perhaps I am wrong and this is quite acceptable behavior and this is how we should teach our children to respond.

Yup, your comment was deplorable as a first comment to the boyfriend.

 

[Hrhpd]

I was raised in a southern, Christian household. My mom and I have a very open relationship and have for as long as I can remember. I was always able to go to her with any questions I had about sex. However, we never discussed it in mixed company as it was a private thing and we certainly didn't joke about it in mixed company. That's my culture, though.

If it was a private conversation, would the first thing out of your mother's mouth when she met a friend of yours would be to tell the friend publicly in front of you that he could not have sex with you?

Or would she have pulled you aside and privately reminded you of the house rules?

FWIW, I think most parents, conservative or liberal would handle it privately with the daughter. I don't know many parents that would publicly embarrass a guest in front of their daughter by declaring there would be no sex under their roof.

 

[mhsjax]

Yup, your comment was deplorable as a first comment to the boyfriend.

The comment to the boyfriend was not deplorable, it was stating ground rules. His comment back to the parents was deplorable. A simple yes ma'am would have been the correct answer.

And as far as everyone saying the mom shouldn't be talking about sex , this doesn't have to be about sex, I spent the night with my then boyfriend(now DH) and his mom told me we couldn't sleep together as in sleep in the same bed, as did my mom when the situation was reversed. Everyone here assumes the mom is talking about sleeping as in sex, I bet she meant sleeping as in sharing a bed while there. These are also my rules, I don't what age, if my kid comes home even at 30, unless married they won't share a bed in my home.

 

[Hrhpd]

THIS!!!!!


I had a friend who wanted to get married while still in college. She and her boyfriend were completely bewildered when neither set of parents would agree to continue to finance their educations if they got married. The parents didn't have any "real" problems with them getting married.

I personally feel that if you are old enough play house, you're old enough to pay the REAL bills.

But neither the daughter nor the boyfriend argued about the rules. Both agreed to them readily indicated that breaking them was not even on the radar.

The OP just didn't like the way the boyfriend agreed.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

so the OP is trying to dictate morals to two adults that are probably active when they are not in her house?

well, she didn't say they couldn't shower together!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

OP, specifically what other "off color" things did he say when visiting?

"That's good, because I don't want to have to kill you. It would ruin the carpet."

Love it!


Like many of the other posters, I think you were in the wrong to be the one who talked to the BF about your rules. That was up to you to communicate to your daughter and your daughter to her BF. If, after that, you found him sneaking into her room, or visa versa, then saying something directly to them both would be different.

As to the hypothetical bad language, I tend to use colorful words, more now than I used to when my kids were little, so I wouldn't be phased by that. However, I have an alcohol and drug-free home, so wouldn't tolerate that in my house. However, my kids know this and I trust them not to drink or use drugs when they are here. If they did I would remind my kids of my feelings about this.

I really can't think of any "rule" I would make clear to a visitor. *Maybe* that our cats are indoor cats and to be careful about leaving doors open, but that's something my kids are good at watching for and I can really only imagine saying something to guests if they are going in and out of the ground-level sliding door and I was worried about it being left open.

 

[davmill]

there is probably not a lot you could do but it would be strike 1 in my book. I find that response disrespectful and rude. A simple yes mam would have been appropriate.

+1