VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[LunaLovegood]

I know no background on this situation. Are the kids that you're buying cars for also his kids? Or are they his step kids? How would you feel if he were buying cars for his kids to the other mom and not for your kids? You married him, you were supposed to accept his kids as your own. Of course there are lines that should not be crossed. But you still have to treat them as your own kids. I can see why they would get upset. It is favoritism and you just shouldn't do it. This is coming from someone who has a step parent. I was never treated as anything but his own child. And that's the way it should be.

 

[sasywtch]

OP, I agree with you. My step children are way older than my children and DH helped them each get a car then they worked to pay for it. When my children got cars that I pay for, the steps were jealous. DH told them that their mama (me) bought their cars and if his ex would have had a job instead of laying up all the time that she probably could have bought them a nice car like that too. I can still tell they are jealous because of the comments they make about DS20 and DD19 having new Mustangs, but it's just small comments and they never come right out and say it anymore.

You find this humorous? I find it downright disturbing.

Your husband and yourself should be ashamed to tell kids something like that about their mother and the "what if's". Your husband originally picked that woman and made children with her. The kids didn't pick their mother.
Very disturbing to have all those smileys in there.

 

[sasywtch]

Maybe because you didn't mention ANY of that in your original rant. Instead, your focus was on how you spent "your" money for "your" kids. Guess what, your step kids are now "your" family as well. It is a package deal. As many posters have said, it is not just about cars. It is your phrases along the way of how you love them "in your own way", always qualifying it. Whether you know it or not, kids pick up on these things. Whether is is about love, affection or money spent. No one thinks the kids should have two cars (and I don't believe the ex thinks so either). But, there is a matter of treating your step kids in a way that they deserve to be treated by the woman that married their father.

I agree with this. I went back and read the original post which was full of "MY money, my kids, if dh and his ex want to buy them a car" etc.
Now the words/posts are softening as more responses come in but sorry, I'm not buying it. It's not the aunt's responsibility to buy them a car when the time comes, but if she does, great. I don't believe kids need 2 cars and don't believe that's what got people riled up. It was the wording you used.

 

[heartofdisney]

Over time, it does all even out. It's not the same, but it's the same level of getting what you need when you need it.[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with this. I raised two daughters of my own,and I don't see how anyone with children can honestly say that EVERYTHING was always completely fair ALL the time. It is impossible to do so. One daghter needs 60.00 for a school feild trip..okay done.... other daughter needs 200 dollars for summer dance classes,okay done. Older daughter needs a certain type of sneaker for cheerleading,while you younger daughter needs braces....the point is,as parents we spend money on all of our kids,and sometimes it isn"t always at the same time. My daughters always understood that not everything was always going to be exactly fair,that sometimes they made out and sometimes the other one did,but they always knew that thier needs were taken care of and that we loved them. When my older daughter started college and we had to pay thousands of dollars for tuition,my younger daughter didn't expect that we were going to hand her an equal amount to her because we spent that much for her sister. She knows that her time will come as well and her need will be met when the time comes. The first day we dropped older daughter off for college ,we stopped at a stre and younger daughter saw a ring she fell in love with and asked if she could have an advance in her allowance to buy it. Her father bought it for her,and she didn't have to pay it back,and she was thrilled over that....not once did she complain that we had just spend tons of money for her older sister to attend collge and to buy all the things she needed to do so,while all she got was a 20.00 ring. I don't think kids in general compare every penny spent on each other unless it is a totally unfair situation.I think the ex wife in this case is just selfish and feeding her kids all this crap to make them feel this way,and it is wrong. What sort of mother would feed stuff like this to her child,essentially telling them that thier father doesn't love them.She has alot of issues and is putting them off on her kids and that is just wrong. I just don't see it wrong either that Cheermom would buy her children a car for thier 16th birthdays when it is expected that her step children will get one at thier 16th birthday too. If thier not even 16 yet ,why is the ex even creating so much drama over this anyway?
What happens if one of her kids go to college and one of his doesn't? Will the ex expect the father to have to pay the boy who doesn't go to college an equal amount of money just for the sake of being fair and equal? Or what if one of the kids get into a more expensive college then the other? Should each kid receive the difference in costs? My point in all this is that it is impossible to be equal in raising children. What is important is that they are loved equally and they know it.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I don't understand the "his money, "my money", "his kids", "my kids" thing. My dad remarried when I was 10. One thing my dad always made clear was that gifts came from both him and my stepmother. Saying things for your own kids are bought by you just puts up a wall between you and your stepkids. It's no wonder the relationship is strained.

 

[luvmy3]

I know no background on this situation. Are the kids that you're buying cars for also his kids? Or are they his step kids? How would you feel if he were buying cars for his kids to the other mom and not for your kids? You married him, you were supposed to accept his kids as your own. Of course there are lines that should not be crossed. But you still have to treat them as your own kids. I can see why they would get upset. It is favoritism and you just shouldn't do it. This is coming from someone who has a step parent. I was never treated as anything but his own child. And that's the way it should be.

So, what is the line that shouldn't be crossed? It has already been decided that the OP's stepds's aunt was purchasing them a car when they needed one. I'm willing to bet that if the OP decided that she herself (since the dh did not contribute to the cost of the cars) decided she was going to purchase them a car instead, and disregarded the fact that the aunt wants to and is going to, the bio-mom would have seen that as crossing the line or interfering, the OP has explained in this thread that the bio-mom does not want her to be involved in those kids lives. Did it ever occur to you that the OP isn't allowed to treat them like her own children? Not all step parents are welcomed by the bio parents, and there in starts the division of families. The family dynamics are not all the OP's doing and neither is this situation.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't understand the "his money, "my money", "his kids", "my kids" thing. My dad remarried when I was 10. One thing my dad always made clear was that gifts came from both him and my stepmother. Saying things for your own kids are bought by you just puts up a wall between you and your stepkids. It's no wonder the relationship is strained.

The OP and her dh keep seperate finances, they aren't the only spouses to do this. Also, she has explained why they are "his kids", the bio-mom does not want her involved with them.

 

[Shmily1]

You find this humorous? I find it downright disturbing.

Your husband and yourself should be ashamed to tell kids something like that about their mother and the "what if's". Your husband originally picked that woman and made children with her. The kids didn't pick their mother.
Very disturbing to have all those smileys in there.

Yep, it's humorous--they are late 30's so it's stupid for them to be jealous!!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Ok first I NEVER said they shouldn't get a car!! please reread!

I care b/c it effects my dh and he gives WAY more then he is required to and she still demands.

I said I am confused as to why it would be any of her business what I buy my kids as she has made it VERY clear I have no business knowing what she does. I am saying that if she doesn't want me to have anything to with her business why does she feel the need to get in mine?

Being a parent shouldn't have anything to do with requirements.

 

[wdwfan16]

I do less my dh doesn't.

For Christmas, birthdays and other gifts all kids should get gifts from their parent and step-parent's name. Not gifts from bio-parent and other gift from the other adult in the house.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

For Christmas, birthdays and other gifts all kids should get gifts from their parent and step-parent's name. Not gifts from bio-parent and other gift from the other adult in the house.

I agree. It isn't about what mom, dad or step mom want. It is about what is best for the poor kids thrown into that nightmare because of the bad choices by the adults.

 

[wdwfan16]

OP, are you possibly resentful that the stepkids have two involved parents and yours only have one. You feel it is not fair so you do more for them and you resent anything that DH's ex does, since she is actually doing something. By your own admission your ex in in Jail. Maybe the resentment should be against him for not caring or helping raise his kids.

Your kids are the innocent ones in their family. They did not choose a bad person to make their father and they did not choose to do bad things that resulted in prison.

Let your new DH fill that role and stop wanting what can not be.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Yep, it's humorous--they are late 30's so it's stupid for them to be jealous!!

It doesn't matter how old they are. What he said may have been true, but for him to say that to his children.

The mom can't be too bad since he decided to have not one but two children with her.

 

[LunaLovegood]

So, what is the line that shouldn't be crossed? It has already been decided that the OP's stepds's aunt was purchasing them a car when they needed one. I'm willing to bet that if the OP decided that she herself (since the dh did not contribute to the cost of the cars) decided she was going to purchase them a car instead, and disregarded the fact that the aunt wants to and is going to, the bio-mom would have seen that as crossing the line or interfering, the OP has explained in this thread that the bio-mom does not want her to be involved in those kids lives. Did it ever occur to you that the OP isn't allowed to treat them like her own children? Not all step parents are welcomed by the bio parents, and there in starts the division of families. The family dynamics are not all the OP's doing and neither is this situation.

The line that shouldn't be crossed is in disciplining the children. The children should respect the stepparent, but there's only so much disciplining the stepparent should do. Enforcing a punishment needs to fall on the biological parent.

 

[livie1205]

The line that shouldn't be crossed is in disciplining the children. The children should respect the stepparent, but there's only so much disciplining the stepparent should do. Enforcing a punishment needs to fall on the biological parent.

That is not the case in everyones household...my dh and I BOTH handle disciplining our 3 kids...(we are his,mine and ours) we think of all of them as ours we do not use step at all.I am the primary caregiver for all the kids so I do most of the punishments (grounding,time outs ect ect) if I did not have the right to do this in my home nothing would get done...my dh works long hours in his job and I do all of the school meetings,drs appts,extra curr and everything else.If I take away dss phone for a week or games then my dh backs me up.I am not going to have my dh come home from working to "so an so did this or got a bad grade so you need to punish him" I can take care of it.We have done things like this for almost 7 yrs and it has worked out great.
The same goes from ds if my dh grounds him then he is grounded ,end of story.

 

[luvsJack]

The line that shouldn't be crossed is in disciplining the children. The children should respect the stepparent, but there's only so much disciplining the stepparent should do. Enforcing a punishment needs to fall on the biological parent.

You cannot have it both ways. You cannot tell a stepparent that you expect them to treat their stepchild "exactly like their own" and then say "oh, no you can't discipline the child". If a stepparent is going to spend time with the child and help raise the child then it should be all the way.

Dh disciplined my sons and their stepmother disciplined them when they were with her. Its not fair to either the kids or the stepparent to expect otherwise. Discipline can show love much more so than buying things ever can.

 

[C.Ann]

Is there any way that you can simply not interact with the bio mom at all? Let your DH handle all the dealings; complaints; requests; etc., from her?

I'm thinking that would be the best solution for you - as the waters are getting too muddy.. As things stand right now, it's really not a healthy situation for anyone..

If she irritates you so much, there has to come a point where you just refuse to be a part of it - which means no interaction at all - and no "comments" about anything she says.. Her words are just that - words.. Words can only hurt you - or irritate you - if you allow them to.. "Actions" can be dealt with by your DH - without your assistance..

 

[cheermom1]

Is there any way that you can simply not interact with the bio mom at all? Let your DH handle all the dealings; complaints; requests; etc., from her?

I'm thinking that would be the best solution for you - as the waters are getting too muddy.. As things stand right now, it's really not a healthy situation for anyone..

If she irritates you so much, there has to come a point where you just refuse to be a part of it - which means no interaction at all - and no "comments" about anything she says.. Her words are just that - words.. Words can only hurt you - or irritate you - if you allow them to.. "Actions" can be dealt with by your DH - without your assistance..

Hi C.ann, Yes dh does handle her I don't. I learned very early on that I am not the person that should do any of that. I am according to bm not allowed to have anything to do with the boys at all, she even tells them to not listen me and I am nothing. I have NEVER EVER bad mouthed her to the boys or in front of the boys or anything. I have no contact with bm period! (however she did ask dh if she could take my dd to a concert not once but twice!!!)

I truly don't understand why this is such an issue? I did not create this mess, bm and dh made this choice not me. I just made the best out of it so each kid can have a car that is all. And no there is no other deeper issues at play here sorry to bust some people bubbles on that.

The main problem is that I was never allowed to bond with the boys b/c bm made it very clear she didn;t want the boys to even like me so when they expressed they did in the beginning she would ground them adn yell at them and emotional drain them to the point the didn;t want anything to do with me. I understand and I felt so bad for them. I stepped out of the way and let them have a calm bm so they wouldn't get in trouble and think they have to defend me. So now that it has been 7 years we like each other and we do have fun together but they are not attached to me and I am to them in a way.

Here is the thing about step parents, everyone seems to think they should treat step kids like their to a certain degree they should. However when it come right down to it everyone doesn't really want them to. I know that with my kids I am very hard on them to make good grades and be all that they can be. Includes all the little stuff like manners and guiding them into be responsible adults. But I guarantee that if I treated the boys the same way I would be labeled the biggest, nastiest person the planet! So I choose to just be here and be a friend more than anything.

 

[livie1205]

You cannot have it both ways. You cannot tell a stepparent that you expect them to treat their stepchild "exactly like their own" and then say "oh, no you can't discipline the child". If a stepparent is going to spend time with the child and help raise the child then it should be all the way.

Dh disciplined my sons and their stepmother disciplined them when they were with her. Its not fair to either the kids or the stepparent to expect otherwise. Discipline can show love much more so than buying things ever can.

yep that...

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I don't think that people expect "same" treatment. Merely "fair" treatment. In most houses kids are treated differently because kids are different. But in the end it should even out. If a dad is dropping the ball, and treating his step kids better than his own, it is a double sucky situation. Not only have the kids lost their dad, but he likes someone else's better as shown by his behavior. The step parent cannot live in their own microcosm. That seems to be what you want and what you have done. You keep things separate so that you don't have to make things even.