Vent: Husband never helps around house

[ReneeA]

I do 85% of the household chores. It used to really bother me, but doesn't as much now. I work 36 hours a week as a RN, and he works 40 hours a week as a project manager for a tile co. Since I only work 3 days a week, I guess technically I have more time to do it...at least that's how he looks at it.

He will help with laundry, but will only wash and then dry them...then toss the piles of clean clothes on the couch for me to fold and put away. He will help with deep cleaning when we are planning to entertain(and does a good job). I will occasionally give him an assignment... especially when I'm working a long stretch and he has days off. Like "Can you clean the bathrooms?" It ends up him rushing around 30 minutes before I get home scrubbing bathrooms, but not cleaning the floors, etc. Kinda halfassed,if you ask me. That's the difference - what if fine to him is not up to my standards and used to be a HUGE bone of contention between us. I've accepted the fact that we just have different views of what's acceptable, and if I want something done to MY standards, either I have to do it or finish up what he's done.

I came to accept that because at least half of the weekend days, I work and he has the kids. They have a great time and he really does the "quality time". He goes above & beyond, and that makes it easier to overlook a messy house when I know not only are the kids well taken care of, but having a wonderful time, too.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

My husband does certain things, while I do others. For example, he likes doing the dishes, snowblowing, taking out the garbage, etc. I like laundry, vacuuming, etc.

We also have a cleaning lady for the areas that neither of us enjoy doing, as well as the fine detailing. She comes every 3 weeks which is just enough.

He really should be doing some share of the housework. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need. That would drive me nuts.

 

[indimom]

OP, you may have to step back and let it get to the point where he has to do something.... (just try to look the other way, or pile it all in a closet or the basement until he gets the point, just don't do it for him.)

My hubby has always helped WHEN I ASK. Now that I'm in school and working full time, I was getting frustrated with even that. Why do I have to monitor everything and direct everyone else, can't he and the kids just step up?

Well, in short, the answer was no. As long as I was acting as boss, they were going to continue to wait for my direction. I just shut up. If the sink was full of dirty dishes, they figured out that they had to wash them or not eat. If there were no more bath towels, they would have to wait for a load to wash and dry or use a dirty one. I took care of my needs, and tried not to think about everything else around the house that was driving me nuts.

Really, it didn't take long for them to start thinking for themselves.

If you decide to give it a try, Good Luck. It's not easy to step back when you are used to being in control, but that's my suggestion.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Then there is the, "Why should I bother she never thanks me," or "Why should I bother she never thinks I do a good enough job." (I am NOT saying that you are like this.)

My wife has pet peeves when it comes to laundry & I have them when it comes to dishes. Because of this, it's understood that some chores will not be "community" projects

 

[prncess674]

Anyone else have a husband that won't lift a finger to help pick up his mess?

I have tried asking him to help, etc...but nothing ever comes from it. If I leave his shirt on the ground it will literally stay there for weeks unless I pick it up. He never takes care of an insurance problem, house issue, etc when he says he will. It always falls on my plate. I love my DH, but I am so sick of it. UGH!!!

Vent over

Something tells me that this poster doesn't have a clear story. The OP is 28 weeks pregnant and is doing a lot of work. I worry about what will happen when the baby is born. But then in the next breath she asks for advice on what to get her DH for working too much during her pregnancy. I guess I don't get it, is working super hard or being super lazy?

I think the OP needs to decide if just isn't doing the things that she finds important. You have only been married a year and are probably still trying to figure each out. You also mention a dog, does DH handle the dog or does he dump all the dog work on you? If he doesn't help with the dog you will have your answer on whether you have help once the new baby around.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Make a list of what needs to be done so he knows what needs to be done to your standards.

I'm the wife and I detest housework so I don't do it. My husband is the neat freak who worries if a book is askew on the coffee table. We both work stressful jobs with long hours yet he refuses to allow a housekeeper in the house, of which I would gladly pay in full. I like a clean kitchen so I tend to keep that up. He HATES floors that are not spotless AND shiny, so have at it, I say.

So, he cleans. When he wants/needs me to do something, he makes a list and I do the list top to bottom to the best of my ability. I would never do something not on the list simply because I don't notice or care.

Our bathrooms, though, are our own domain. His is totally spotless at all times and mine is gone through every two weeks for a deep cleaning.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Not trying to justify his actions, but you do probably need to understand it from his POV. It's probably not so much that he expects you to do it, it's that he doesn't care if it gets done at all. You see it as the burden falling entirely on you. He sees it as something that doesn't need to be done, so if you're doing it, you're doing it of your own free will - not because he "forced" you to.

Again, that doesn't excuse him from being lazy or sloppy, but if you approach the situation knowing his POV, it could help you be more successful in your efforts to get some help.

This is so true. I was getting very frustrated with my husband because I felt like I did ALL the housework, dishes, etc. - he would do something if I asked him specifically, but he never did it. It made me crazy and angry.

But what I didn't stop to think about was that when he was a bachelor, he was kind of a messy dude... housekeeping was low on his agenda, and his standards of cleanliness weren't the same as mine (clean the toilet... you mean you have to do that?). So it wasn't that he purposefully not helping with the cleaning - it just did not occur to him that there was cleaning needing to be done!

So we spent some time to sit down together and go over what we thought needed to be done, housekeeping wise, on a daily/weekly/monthly or whatever basis, and compromised on a few things - I let a few things go, mostly he learned that you have to clean the bathroom on a regular basis.

Now that we are on the same page about what needs to be done, things go a lot more smoothly. I usually handle most of the housekeeping just b/c I am at home more and DH works a lot, but he will definitely work on stuff now that he knows what has to be done. And the resentment is gone.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Mine never helps out either, he does make a lot of messes and leaves them for me to clean. It is very frustrating, but I just clean it up myself because if I don't do it nobody will.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

My husband doesn't help do anything around the house, outside the house, or get his car fixed. I'm responsible for all of it. My son takes out the garbage and mows the lawn. I'll be hiring someone to do the lawn mowing when my son goes to college I guess.

I quit my job years ago at his request to help him with the part time internet business. Turns out I also quit to become the maid service, chauffer, car repair, person who takes kids to doctor and pets to vet. Also landscape service.

I make sure I take me time - a trip to Disney twice a year solo and I periodically go on strike at which point he then orders the kids around to clean up and will actually do his own laundry.

I have also taught my kids how to do their own laundry so that helps me. Asking him to help does no good. He doesn't help.

He is why I told my sisters I would never, ever remarry again if something happened to him when we were having a conversation about would you remarry if something happened to your spouse. They thought I was kidding. I wasn't.

 

[SLP958]

My husband was just like this. We have been married almost 10 years and are still working on this problem. I have to say it has been very hard at times. He really could not tell when anything needed to be done. Dishes could be stacked to the ceiling and he would just not notice. He would never think to put clothes in the wash or turn on the dish washer.

It took quite a few hysterical episodes on my part to open his eyes. On several occasions I stopped doing his laundry or let it sit wrinkled in the floor for weeks.

His parents are slobs who have the most disgusting house I have ever seen. I really do not believe he was ever taught to keep things clean.

Having said that, we have both made much progress and I really appreciate all he does now. He still has moments of neglect but nothing to the point we started at.

I would suggest making some lists. One of things you would like him to be incharge of all the time. Another of things to be cognizant of that could help you out.

Good Luck. It can get better.

 

[mfd25wife]

I get mad at mine at times. But, I know he truly does not notice the house needs cleaning. I grew up that things happened on a schedule. Thursday was cleaning day. When we got out of school, we had chores (dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms). Dad grilled a lot. I had to clean the grill on Saturdays and my brother would mow on Saturdays. My stepmother did the laundry, but I would help fold towels. We took turns cleaning the kitchen every night. DH doesn't believe in cleaning unless it looks like it needs it. By the time he thinks it needs it, I'm ready to gag. He grew up with wash, dry, and throw clothes in a basket until needed. When we added onto the house, he added a closet just for him so I wouldn't be upset he threw stuff all over the floor of it. He leaves dirty clothes every where. I used to think he did it because he didn't respect me. Now, I know he just doesn't notice nor care. I do. He will want to invite people over not even thinking I don't want anyone in the house while he has dirty socks on the floor. He will help me, but if I don't ask, he isn't ever going to think, "wow. The tables need dusting and while I'm at it, I think I will sweep the floor".

While I get aggravated, I don't think lack of help at home is reason to split. But, I would definitely be trying to sit down and talk it out as many times as it took. I have told DD, she needs to find a man who has a clean home. It means he either cleans a lot or doesn't mind hiring someone to do it, because as much as I love her, my DD is a pig.

 

[minkydog]

I count myself very lucky to have a husband who picks up after himself and everybody else. He pays the bills, gets the.cars serviced, does most of.th laundry, and loads the dishwasher. He does not clean bathrooms or.vacuum due to the.dust and chemical odors, so I do that. I do mist of the cooking, but he.can make a.few.decent meals. DH is fully disabled bit he makes it a point to get at least one thing done every day while I.go to.work.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm married to someone who does NOTHING. Part of the problem is we live in his parents' house in the apartment upstairs so he knows sooner or later someone else will do it. He leaves his laundry and his mother does it because I refuse. It's disgusting and horrible. I don't think he's ever once cleaned the bathroom. And then when he does do something he does it so poorly that he makes his point and I tell him not to bother. Example: years ago we had a livingroom/diningroom combo. He took the vacuum and literally vacuumed just the livingroom, even though it was the same carpet, without break, into the diningroom. He thought he was going me a favor but it just angered me and the first thing I had to do was vacuum the rest of the rug when I walked in the door.

The only advice I can give OP is it probably won't get better, especially not after the baby is born. I think this is a stupid reason to get divorced but I'm assuming it's just one thing in a long line of things that are making you unhappy. I come from a family of divorce and I swore it would never be me, but it's coming. I can't and won't spend the rest of my life miserable. I thought it was best to stay for my daughter's sake, and I still stand by that decision (because there were other factors which would have made things out of my control), but she'll be in college soon and then I'll be working on leaving. Again, not just because he's a slob.

 

[dakcp2001]

It takes 2 people to solve this problem. You need to have a serious talk about it and lay out what he needs to do to divide up the work. Then YOU need to stop enabling him. Let him run out of clean clothes or have to wash a fork to eat. Stop making it easy for him. You need to make a list of who will do what and stick to it. And you may need to lower your standards on how the job is done. But for your own sanity, you need to address this sooner rather than later. When the children come, this will be multiplied by a million at how frustrated you get. If he does not want to do anything, than he needs to hire someone to take the burden off.

 

[Jedana]

I don't work outside the home, so I do 90% of the housework. I do 90% of the grocery (or other) shopping and 95% of the cooking. He will do things if I ask, but he doesn't notice things like I do. For example, I can see the fingerprints on the sliding glass door....he sees the grass and backporch.


When I did work outside the home, I did 90% of the housework. But he did pick up on the grocery shopping, picking up kids from daycare and cooking.

I don't mind doing the housework. I have a way I like things done, and so I do them so they are done that way. He will clean up his mess that he makes while doing his treatment (I don't mind having to deal with the needles and tape and saline, but I hate dealing with used tissues. EWWWWW).