Vent about my dad :(

[katesorad]

My dad and I have never been very close. I moved out of my parents' house at 17 because living with them was getting to be unbearable. I started my life at 17, got married at 18, and am doing well now just a couple months from my 21st birthday. I guess it's safe to say that I have changed.. my dad has not.

Well, this evening I went over to my parents' house to pick something up and my dad comes in the room and asks me why I was wearing sweats that are capri length and a t-shirt. It was a lazy day for me and was pretty warm out. I don't have a lot of warm weather clothes. So I told him.. it's warm! I wanted to wear something appropriate for the weather. And he said, "Oh, do none of your warm weather clothes fit you anymore, fatty?"

I was in shock. He hadn't said anything like that to me in a long time. I recently lost a lot of weight and have gained about 25 pounds back.. but I don't look huge. I've been trying to get back on the wagon with weight loss, but I really didn't need that comment from my dad. He said those types of things to me when I was a kid and growing up, but having him say these things to me now REALLY hurts me. And he chose tonight as a good night to say it because my DH wasn't with me.. he was at work. If he would've said anything like that when DH was there, DH would've smacked him upside the head.

Anyone else have family issues like this? Anyone have any advice for me? I cried the entire way home. Maybe it's a little immature to be upset about it, but it's a very sore spot for me.. and I wouldn't be upset if anyone else called me fat. But my dad? That's my dad.. I just want him to accept me.

 

[hereyago]

I am so sorry you had to have that happen. No, you aren't immature to be upset about what he said, a parent should never say stuff like that to their kid.

Did you say anything back to him: You hurt my feelings or you know you are a blank and that's why I left?

It is "natural" to want you parents to accept you, however, you can't change them only your reaction to them. It's kind of cowardly to say that to you when your DH wasn't there as well.

I am 43 and I have finally come to accept my DM77 won't ever change a couple years ago. She was always self absorbed,etc. Now she is just older and self absorbed. the list goes on.

But I know how she is, she isn't going to change. but I have changed how I deal with her.

 

[minniecarousel]

Well, you left home at 17 for a reason. I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been.

Water off a ducks back - easier said than done.

Hang in there.

 

[LuLuO]

My dad and I have never been very close. I moved out of my parents' house at 17 because living with them was getting to be unbearable. I started my life at 17, got married at 18, and am doing well now just a couple months from my 21st birthday. I guess it's safe to say that I have changed.. my dad has not.

Well, this evening I went over to my parents' house to pick something up and my dad comes in the room and asks me why I was wearing sweats that are capri length and a t-shirt. It was a lazy day for me and was pretty warm out. I don't have a lot of warm weather clothes. So I told him.. it's warm! I wanted to wear something appropriate for the weather. And he said, "Oh, do none of your warm weather clothes fit you anymore, fatty?"

I was in shock. He hadn't said anything like that to me in a long time. I recently lost a lot of weight and have gained about 25 pounds back.. but I don't look huge. I've been trying to get back on the wagon with weight loss, but I really didn't need that comment from my dad. He said those types of things to me when I was a kid and growing up, but having him say these things to me now REALLY hurts me. And he chose tonight as a good night to say it because my DH wasn't with me.. he was at work. If he would've said anything like that when DH was there, DH would've smacked him upside the head.

Anyone else have family issues like this? Anyone have any advice for me? I cried the entire way home. Maybe it's a little immature to be upset about it, but it's a very sore spot for me.. and I wouldn't be upset if anyone else called me fat. But my dad? That's my dad.. I just want him to accept me.

I could write a book about my not-so-good relationship with my father. When I was about your age I had to decide whether or not I wanted to continue a relationship with him. If I did, then I'd have to accept him 'as is' because I knew he was never going to change. If I didn't want to do that then I was going to have to cut ties forever.

I chose to accept the father that I had and gave up all hope of having the father that I wanted/needed. He isn't capable of being anything more than he is. Giving up that hope allowed me to let go of the hurt. He can't hurt me any more because I have zero expectations from him. He will never be nurturing. He will always criticize and put down and will rarely (if ever) praise or compliment. I see him a few times a year. It is cordial. We laugh. We talk about the small stuff. We hug and I tell him that I love him because in a strange way I do love him, I just took away his power to hurt me.

 

[nathalee81]

My dad and I have never been very close. I moved out of my parents' house at 17 because living with them was getting to be unbearable. I started my life at 17, got married at 18, and am doing well now just a couple months from my 21st birthday. I guess it's safe to say that I have changed.. my dad has not.

Well, this evening I went over to my parents' house to pick something up and my dad comes in the room and asks me why I was wearing sweats that are capri length and a t-shirt. It was a lazy day for me and was pretty warm out. I don't have a lot of warm weather clothes. So I told him.. it's warm! I wanted to wear something appropriate for the weather. And he said, "Oh, do none of your warm weather clothes fit you anymore, fatty?"

I was in shock. He hadn't said anything like that to me in a long time. I recently lost a lot of weight and have gained about 25 pounds back.. but I don't look huge. I've been trying to get back on the wagon with weight loss, but I really didn't need that comment from my dad. He said those types of things to me when I was a kid and growing up, but having him say these things to me now REALLY hurts me. And he chose tonight as a good night to say it because my DH wasn't with me.. he was at work. If he would've said anything like that when DH was there, DH would've smacked him upside the head.

Anyone else have family issues like this? Anyone have any advice for me? I cried the entire way home. Maybe it's a little immature to be upset about it, but it's a very sore spot for me.. and I wouldn't be upset if anyone else called me fat. But my dad? That's my dad.. I just want him to accept me.

First, I am truly sorry that your father hurt you like that. It sucks and there is really no excuse for it.

It sounds like your father is who he is. He likes to hurt you (maybe because of how HE feels about himself he likes to drag others down). You can't change how he is, only how YOU react to it. It sounds like there are some past issues-have you ever gone to therapy? I'm a big advocate of therapy-a therapist may help you learn how to deal with your father and how to cope with his behavior.

That being said, I hope your evening gets better and to you.

 

[LuvSulley]

I'm sorry your dad said that to you . My parents say stuff like that to me and it seems that all older Chinese people think its OK to say stuff like that so I hear it from my uncles, aunts, etc. too. I know it hurts. Maybe you can try seeing him as little as possible? Or ask him why he has to be such a jerk. I noticed that sometimes saying that shuts them up.

 

[dis-happy]

 

[katesorad]

Thanks everyone so much for your support. The DIS is truly like a second family for me.

It's so hard.. I tried to tell him that it hurt my feelings, but he walked away quickly and closed the door leading to his office. He didn't come out again at all while I was there.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I am so sorry. Can you just stop being where he could be? I wouldn't really want to talk to him ever again OR I would storm into whatever room he was hiding in and give him a piece of my mind and then never speak with him again.

He's just horrible and I'm sorry for that. I would be hurt, too.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Thanks everyone so much for your support. The DIS is truly like a second family for me.

It's so hard.. I tried to tell him that it hurt my feelings, but he walked away quickly and closed the door leading to his office. He didn't come out again at all while I was there.

He sounds like a complete jerk! I'm sorry that you have to deal with him.

I honestly think that people like that are miserable in their own lives so they hurt everyone around them to make themselves feel better, or make them feel like they have power over someone. It's a real shame too, because one of these days when he needs someone to care for him or to help him, no one will want to do it. He is really hurting himself and everyone around him by acting like this.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That must have really hurt, and I am so sorry.

The only advice I can offer is to limit the times you are in a position to have to hear that. I would not advise cutting off ties completely, but I would not visit him at his home (his "turf) anymore--just go out to neutral places where he has no more control than you do--and then leave if he makes comments like that. Also maybe make a policy of not ever visiting with him without your DH until and unless he learns to be nicer to you (since having your DH there seems to help).

 

[Pixiedust34]

It is "natural" to want you parents to accept you, however, you can't change them only your reaction to them.

Wise words.

You can't control how your father acts, but you can control how much it'll get under your skin.

His words were hurtful, and there is no excuse for what he said. Try to let it roll if you can. Dwelling on it isn't good, and it gives his words more power in dragging you down. Focus your time and energy on the positive people in your life.

 

[Megan_J]

Some people are only happy when they make other people miserable. Sometimes it is better to get toxic people out of your life than try over and over again to make things work. He may be your father but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with that kind of childish behaviour.

 

[cindy58]

Sorry to hear that, unfortunately too many of us know how family hurts one another. I like LuvSulley's response, "ask him why he's such a jerk" -- best delivered as an immediate reply in a "how's the weather" tone of voice.

 

[meeshi]

I honestly think that people like that are miserable in their own lives so they hurt everyone around them to make themselves feel better, or make them feel like they have power over someone.

This is true. People who are hurt, hurt others. It really stinks when it's your parent.

 

[Jessica527]

I am sorry to hear that but remember you have a hubby that loves you and will take care of you.

My father has his opinions and has said things like that, so I understand where you are coming from. I had to walk away for a little bit of time by going to college and not keeping much communication. But then I proved him wrong in every way imaginable. I lost weight for my own sake, graduated early from college, and started as an accountant 3 days after graduation. Now because of this, we are the best of friends. We needed our space for awhile for him to realize it.

I hope it all works out and if you are ever in PA, stop by!

 

[babyrich]

My relationship with my father ending when I was 18. I chose to remove him from my life and I am a much better person for it. Sometime we feel we have to put up with or love a family memeber just because they are family. When you realize that there is no rule that says you have to put up with them, it will free you.

 

[shortbun]

Look, your Dad is a tool. He's not happy with himself and he's cruel. We have a choice in life about family. You can embrace family of origin or make a family of choice. Spend as little time as possible with him. Detach. He's your dad and you are only 21 so it's going to take a while but I promise you will get to a place where you see him for what he is and you are comfortable NOT seeing him. You will need to plan to see your mother outside their home and alone. Invite her to lunch, go shopping, see a movie, have a tea in the afternoon. You realized at 17 that there was no nurturing from your father. He is broken; you can't fix him. You can fix YOU. You are going to be ok. Great job on the big weight loss, it's hard to maintain, I know. If you have insurance, some talk therapy with a good counsellor can help you work through your eating needs which probably stem from needing to self soothe and choosing to do it with food. Find some other things that make you feel good-sing, dance, draw, take nature walks, romance your man. Good luck! You can do it, you are already figuring it out.

 

[bellebud]

So sorry your dad's a jerk! I have one of those too, so welcome to the club!! (we could make t-shirts or something - LOL!)

Nothing my bro's and I did growing up was ever good enough. The random kid down the street was always do something 'better', and he always let us know. When we went to college, "what were we doing wasting our young lives in a classroom, when we should be exploring the world?????!!!!!!!!" said in a very condescending tone. Then when we weren't in college and traveling and working, "what were we doing being bums!!! we should be in college!!!" sigh... never, ever good enough.

Now that we're all adults and doing well, we've had enough. Both my brothers don't speak to my dad AT ALL (1 bro lives a mile from my dad). I see my dad 3x's a year, for him to come to my house and see my kids for an hour or so. That's it. And I only do that because dad begged me to allow him that much. So that's the limits I set. My dad has never met my bro's 2 wonderful little boys (4yo and 5yo), and he probably never will (again, they live 1 mile away from each other). And honestly, all my dad would probably have to do is reach out to my bro and apologize, and things could be better. But he WON'T do it. He feels so strongly that he's right, he's willing to give up his relationships. My mom would apologize for something she didn't even do, if it meant saving a relationship with her child. There's nothing more important to her. What a contrast! (they're divorced for a long time).

My bros think my dad is an alcoholic, but he's also a jerk when he's sober, so it's really no excuse (and I won't allow alcoholism to be an excuse for being a horrible person anyway).

Anyway, you're not the only one, and I'm sorry he hurt you. When I finally stopped looking for parental approval from him (and parental 'anything' from him), nothing he said has ever hurt me again. I can't explain the 'magical switch' that allows that in your head and heart (easier said than done - we cannot control our emotions).

Also, having children has given me strength that I didn't have before (and I remember a therapist telling me this would happen, before I had kids). I simply will not allow toxic people around my children. I don't care who you are. My dad is an angel to my kids, because he knows he's on very thin ice, because I've let him know. I used to be very scared of my dad when I was growing up - he certainly ruled the house. Then as a teen and young adult, I wasn't 'scared', but definitely intimidated and stressed when I saw him. Now, I can crush him with my words, and I've done it. I have no problem telling him what *I* now expect of him, instead of what he expects from me. Again, I think my inner strength came w/ having my children.

Good luck when you have to see him. Just think of us making an "I have a jerk for a dad" club, and you'll laugh in your head and maybe it will make it easier. Then come here and vent away!

 

[N&B'smom]

WOW!!! I'm sorry your father treats you that way. That is completely unacceptable, glad you have a good DH who will stick up for you.