cheshireqt
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2008
I have been lingering over all the great posts and finally decided to jump in here.
It is great that the OP seems to be listening and trying to amend her approach with her step children based on what strangers are saying. I really hope she can come to understanding about money with DH and with his children.
This is my however:
While I have never been a stepchild (well not until I was 32 years of age
) and never been a step-parent it still seems clear to me that $ earned, won, given while they are with their Mother have NO tie to you (OP). To place expectations on that money is inappropriate and only causes lots of drama and puts the kids in a very awkward predicament. They already feel they have to hide $ from both you AND from their Mother. (You said that DSS had to hide it from his mother when he brings $ to your house for swims and then that he has to hide it from you or you will confiscate it "for Disney"). You need to get this through your head, deal with it and understand it: You ONLY control the $ they earn, win are given while at YOUR house, and even then control is such an awful word--really you can only GUIDE how they save or spend even those $. That is how you teach children financial responsibility. You guide them and you let them make bad decisions while the consequences are smaller so that they will learn. The hard part comes in not rescuing them from their mistake. Canceling a family trip over $5 and icecream was never about teaching them financial responsibility. There was clearly much much more drama going on surrounding that trip to begin with. I know this sounds snarky but is it possible that the one who really needs to learn financial responsibility is you or DH? Perhaps canceling the trip was a sound financial decision for you and DH and you thought that making a drama over ice-cream would "teach" the children something? Not good.
Just to reinforce what I am hoping you will take to heart....Even if they got a substantial inheritance from their Mother's side that money is not and never should be mingled with your family vacations, assets, cars (when DSS gets older) etc. That money would be for their MOTHER or the executor to help them manage and spend as appropriate. It seems to me that you heard about the $300 your DSS won while with his Mother and you have been trying to insert yourself in how he spends or saves that money to the point of holding a family trip hostage. If you really want to "fix" your problem you need to fix your attitude with regard to money their Mother is responsible for.
One last point. It is a huge red flag for you to say that the daughter tells you things she does not tell her Mother. I am sure you were just trying to convey that you have a good relationship with your step-daughter but to an outsider it seems like you are trying to compete with her Mother, which can not be a good situation for the kids.
It is great that the OP seems to be listening and trying to amend her approach with her step children based on what strangers are saying. I really hope she can come to understanding about money with DH and with his children.
This is my however:
While I have never been a stepchild (well not until I was 32 years of age
) and never been a step-parent it still seems clear to me that $ earned, won, given while they are with their Mother have NO tie to you (OP). To place expectations on that money is inappropriate and only causes lots of drama and puts the kids in a very awkward predicament. They already feel they have to hide $ from both you AND from their Mother. (You said that DSS had to hide it from his mother when he brings $ to your house for swims and then that he has to hide it from you or you will confiscate it "for Disney"). You need to get this through your head, deal with it and understand it: You ONLY control the $ they earn, win are given while at YOUR house, and even then control is such an awful word--really you can only GUIDE how they save or spend even those $. That is how you teach children financial responsibility. You guide them and you let them make bad decisions while the consequences are smaller so that they will learn. The hard part comes in not rescuing them from their mistake. Canceling a family trip over $5 and icecream was never about teaching them financial responsibility. There was clearly much much more drama going on surrounding that trip to begin with. I know this sounds snarky but is it possible that the one who really needs to learn financial responsibility is you or DH? Perhaps canceling the trip was a sound financial decision for you and DH and you thought that making a drama over ice-cream would "teach" the children something? Not good.Just to reinforce what I am hoping you will take to heart....Even if they got a substantial inheritance from their Mother's side that money is not and never should be mingled with your family vacations, assets, cars (when DSS gets older) etc. That money would be for their MOTHER or the executor to help them manage and spend as appropriate. It seems to me that you heard about the $300 your DSS won while with his Mother and you have been trying to insert yourself in how he spends or saves that money to the point of holding a family trip hostage. If you really want to "fix" your problem you need to fix your attitude with regard to money their Mother is responsible for.
One last point. It is a huge red flag for you to say that the daughter tells you things she does not tell her Mother. I am sure you were just trying to convey that you have a good relationship with your step-daughter but to an outsider it seems like you are trying to compete with her Mother, which can not be a good situation for the kids.
