Telling a young child that their classmate has passed

[MinnieTink]

I'm just looking for any advice, experience and words of encouragement. My son completed Kindergarten in June and has a classmate with a horrific brain cancer called DIPG. It is a cancer of the brainstem that affects young children. There is a 90+% death rate within 18 months I think. Maybe it's two years. Whatever. It's a parents' nightmare. His classmate was diagnosed in Spring of 2012. She did the best she could in school and at the time was able to run and play somewhat. Unfortunately this disease has begin it's terrible progression and she is bedridden and mostly paralyzed. I know there will come a time to have a difficult conversation with my young son. Do I start now? Do I prepare him? He has been to his grandfather and uncles funerals in the past year and a half so he gets what death is but this is a different ball game, being that it's one of his peers.

Thanks for any words. Please pray for J.

 

[PrincessJo]

My son was 12 when one of his close friends passed away. She was hit by a drunk driver while getting off of her school bus 5 years ago. One day she was in the chair next to him at school, the next day she wasn't.

Unfortunately in this case, my son found out at school the next day before any of the parents had heard. The counselor at school could not console him and called for us to come pick him up.

He cried a lot, paced back and forth and he drew a picture of her as an angel in her favorite outfit. I sent that drawing to the young girl's Mom who still treasures it to this day. My son is an artist at heart, so drawing truly helped him.

Every year on the day of her death, her parents hold a memorial service. One year she had a band at church and just gathered all of the friends together and they talked and shared memories. Last year she had all of the kids to her house and they released balloons in the young girl's favorite color. It seems to help a little. Her parents appreciate it too, being able to keep in touch with all of her friends and watch them grow and achieve their milestones.

There is really no good advice anyone can give you since each person grieves in there own way and each person has a different set of beliefs. My son just needed to cry. Cry and draw and write. It took a few weeks, but he eventually started to show energy and enthusiasm for things again.

What he didn't want to hear was the usual stuff... it'll be okay... don't worry she'll be in a better place... don't worry time will heal all wounds... blah blah blah. I just sat with him and let him cry and talk. It was nice when I could steer him to the happy memories that made him smile. After a while, he'd smile more than he'd cry.

When you're 12 you think you're going to live forever and it's kind of a smack in the gut. It changed him. He appreciates things I think more than some of his friends who have never had to grieve.

Prayers to you, your wee one, the sick child and her family. I wish you all strength during this sad time.

 

[mommasita]

This poor little girl and her family.. It isn't fair at all..
I'm sorry for everything your son will go through, as well as your family and friends.

Is there a school counselor who may be of any help? I was also 12, and experienced basically what the PP did. That age is different, you understand, the grief is there, but you have more wisdom and perhaps more guidance to get through it..

to you all

 

[GadgetTheInventor]

Since death is all but certain this school year in this case, has your child's school done any preparation for the inevitable? If a lot of students knew this girl, it would make sense for the school psychologist to keep tabs on everything and help parents know what is going on and what students know. I can see some issues arising if some students knew more than others and for example, your son heard from a classmate that his friend was very sick, suffering, near death, etc. It's also easier for her friends at school to send her letters and drawings if it is organized by the school psychologist instead of individual parents.

From my recent personal experience I have discovered that the waiting, suffering, and unknown to be extremely difficult for those around my fiancee and me to handle (late 20´s and then all the relatives). She has been dealing with cancer now for four years and had a rather large benign brain tumor removed earlier this year. It's been pretty chaotic with the long stays in the ICU, therapy, loss of memory, and ever present cancer. Most moments I wish that no one besides my fiancee and I knew because not one friend or relative has made a positive contribution to our situation via a kind word or favor (they fail to realize that after 7 years together, it is primarily our situation and their situation second). I'd love to send them all to a therapist to deal with their emotions about my fiancee's potential impending death, but a part of me also thinks it would be easier if they were kept in the dark until after she would die just so that their suffering has a clear beginning and much sooner ending than what is happening currently.

 

[MinnieTink]

Thank you for all the responses and kind words. To update, the sweet little girl passed. I told my 6 year old son and he just said Oh Mom that's VERY sad. And he asked questions like what is cancer, and do they have Mario bros toys in heaven. (Gotta love the way kids think) He did "ok" with it. He asked some questions but didn't bring it up too often. Me, on the other hand, well I had a hard time with it. What heartbreak.

Hug your children a little tighter today!

Thanks again all

 

[cmdrutzler]

I am so sorry to hear that this is a discussion that seems to keep happening....I had to start a similar discussion with my 4 & 6 year old daughters over the last three days. See they have a dad of classmates(4yr old boy and 6 yr old girl) that was diagnosed with kidney cancer one year ago; over the last three weeks he has unfortunately gotten worse and worse. Over this past year as well my sister (my oldest MAC's godmother) has been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer AGAIN(this is has been off n on for 13 years) She has lost a lung, breasts, it is in her liver, T12 and a massive tumor coming out of her sternum. They have seen me battle and thankfully at this point am in remission of Acute Myeloid Leukemia but the discussion about cancer and the types and what our friends dad succumbed to last night and my sister has been given two weeks is so devastating .....
my heart and prayers are with you your son and his friends family that they may find peace in the thought these loved ones are in no longer in pain