Teaching/Encouraging/aiding kids in a lie. Where do you draw the line?

[mamacatnv]

Inspired by a recent thread where it became abundantly clear that allowing or helping your child violate the terms of service age rule of 13 for most social media sites is OK and justified.

I think its setting a bad precedence.
I think its a slippery slope.
I think its setting a bad example.
I think its wrong to encourage/allow and or aide a young child to lie or misrepresent their age.

If mom and dad are so heck bent that their kid needs instagram or FB to communicate with "family" or the other myriad of excuses, then the parents should just let the kids use their parents account, not justify violating terms of service aka the rules because they "know what is best for their own kid."

My almost 17 yr old DD says that its better to break the rules and have the parents know than to say no and then the kid just sneaks the accounts. I asked her if she cheated, she said no, she didn't but she knows plenty who did. I believe her, she is way beyond the statue of limitations for something she might have done at 12

I'm all for kids having access to things, I don't believe in censorship, I let my kids read what they want, watch what they want etc. I don't monitor their cells phones or computer usage but we talk about that access often. However, I do believe in rules and I think its wrong to tell my kid its okay to ignore the social media rules established by the host. IMO

What do y'all think?

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I break many rules so I have no leg to stand on with telling others what they should or shouldn't do.

 

[Tiffylv]

.

 

[bsblady01]

it's just wrong. there are parents in here that say their two year old is three so they can do bbb, or they say their five year old is two so they don't have to buy their child a park ticket. and when your kids tell you all their friends have something so they can have it, most of the time it's not true.

 

[usnuzuloose]

You know not just this site , but other ones who break rules no matter what. And they justify it no matter the cost. I find it horrible that parents say one thing and then do the very thing they tell kids not to do.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

I consider why a rule might be in place. With social media sites, 13 is usually set as the age so that the sites don't have to set up restrictions/verifications/permissions/etc. for younger kids. For practical purposes, it is arbitrary - nothing magical will happen on DD's next birthday to make her suddenly more mature.

 

[smitch425]

I consider why a rule might be in place. With social media sites, 13 is usually set as the age so that the sites don't have to set up restrictions/verifications/permissions/etc. for younger kids. For practical purposes, it is arbitrary - nothing magical will happen on DD's next birthday to make her suddenly more mature.

My thoughts exactly.

As the OP already knows, my kids have Instagram accounts. I consented to it, I monitor it, and my children are responsible with it. Unless it affects you (generally speaking) in some direct way, it is no one else's concern, and certainly not something to be judged. Unless you have never lied or broken any rules ever, including driving over the speed limit, taking a drink of anything restricted before the age of 21, saying Santa brought you a present, etc, you have no room to talk. Lol! Maturity is not age dependent. I've had many more rational, interesting conversations with my 10 year old son than with several people on this site, to be honest.

Instagram and Facebook are vastly different. Instagram is very basic, and FB has a lot of complexities. DD will not get a FB account until she is 13 (this Dec), and by then, she will have had her Instagram account for almost 2 years. Her FB account will be restricted to family and close friends (just as her Instagram account is), though she really only wants it for family as most of her friends only use Instagram.

So where do I draw the line? I draw it where I see fit on each individual issue, and I have an open conversation with my kids complete with questions/answers/guidelines, etc. No topic is off limits if they want to discuss it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

For me, breaking a rule just because we do not like it is not OK. So, in the case of facebook/Instagram etc, we followed it (even though I felt my kids could certainly handle it and we live on another continent from family---my kids did exactly what you suggest and used my account to keep in touch).

On the other hand, if there is a REASON, beyond just "it doesn't suit me" exceptions can be made. We discuss that not all rules are good rules and that breaking one for a valid reason, knowing you might have to deal with the consequences, is OK. Heck, we discussed that in terms of Rosa Parks when the kids were about 4 years old.

An example would be that when we moved to Germany my kids attended the international school for one semester. That school had a rule against students carrying their own asthma inhalers. They also refuse to spend the time to sign my son'S in daily and back out to him as he left daily. He had a half hour commute by streetcar to get there and back and needed access to his inhaler if he had an attack while on that commute. Following the school's rules of not carrying his inhaler in his own bag at school meant he would not have access to it on that commute which put him in real danger. In that case, we talked about WHY that was a bad rule and why we were choosing to break it, I had him carry his inhaler and told him I would go to bat with him with the school if he ever had to take it out and they had an issue (as is, he ended up using it on a field trip---it was in town and the teacher had not signed out the inhalers and other meds for kids from the office since "we weren't going very far away" Thank goodness he did have it in his bag!

 

[honeybunches]

I teach 6th grade, and the number of students who have Facebook/Instagram accounts is only going up. They are not 13 years old, yet they have complete access to these sites (and so many others -- apps like Snapchat and YikYak. That's for another thread.) There are SO MANY problems that stem from social media, then extend into the school setting. My daughter (age 11) asked if she could have an Instagram account. I have no problem telling her NO. She probably won't have one when she's 13 either. She's an excellent student, and has never given me a reason not to trust her. I just see how much these sites stress kids out, and it's not worth it. ETA - we have family who doesn't live nearby, so she wants to post things they can see. Still not worth it to me. They can facetime!!

 

[AddictedtoDoleWhip]

If I have children, I don't think I would let them have social media accounts. I feel like at age 13 they are starting to become more independent and I feel like that's a good age to let kids venture onto social media, but still monitor their activity and would have no problem in having them delete their accounts if they acted out or were inappropriate. A lot of these social media sites are linked to smart phones (snapchat, instagram), and I really don't think anyone under the age of 13 needs one. If my kid needs a cell phone they can get a brick.

 

[Nancy Soukup]

I would see their side too and I would think about it.

 

[indimom]

That's a rule I broke. I let DS get a FB account at 12. He got bored with it and closed the account before he turned 13. Overall, I would consider us rule followers. I've been called a wet blanket, boring, old-fashioned, etc. But, from time to time, even I break a rule.

 

[Skywalker]

Inspired by a recent thread where it became abundantly clear that allowing or helping your child violate the terms of service age rule of 13 for most social media sites is OK and justified.

I think its setting a bad precedence.
I think its a slippery slope.
I think its setting a bad example.
I think its wrong to encourage/allow and or aide a young child to lie or misrepresent their age.

If mom and dad are so heck bent that their kid needs instagram or FB to communicate with "family" or the other myriad of excuses, then the parents should just let the kids use their parents account, not justify violating terms of service aka the rules because they "know what is best for their own kid."

My almost 17 yr old DD says that its better to break the rules and have the parents know than to say no and then the kid just sneaks the accounts. I asked her if she cheated, she said no, she didn't but she knows plenty who did. I believe her, she is way beyond the statue of limitations for something she might have done at 12

I'm all for kids having access to things, I don't believe in censorship, I let my kids read what they want, watch what they want etc. I don't monitor their cells phones or computer usage but we talk about that access often. However, I do believe in rules and I think its wrong to tell my kid its okay to ignore the social media rules established by the host. IMO

What do y'all think?

I don't know why parents justify breaking the rules, (they always have a "good reason" though!) but then of course they think their kids are going to follow their own rules that they give them for being on social media. lol. Here let's break the rules, now here are the rules, no nude photos, only interact with people you know or whatever. Then they are shocked when adult things happen or all heck breaks loose. Or there is "but everyone else is doing it", my parents would have laughed in my face for saying that, now it is the parents using that line!

I guess for me the bottom line is if a company has rules, and I choose to use their services, I will follow their rules - just like I follow the posted rules of any establishment that I wish to visit, or anybody else's home I wish to visit, if I don't like the rules I don't go there. Or even this website, it has rules and if you want to be here you follow them or else you get booted off lol. I guess that is the problem - there are no immediate consequences so people don't think the rules have to apply to them?

Your right to make judgement calls ends at someone else's posted rules for THEIR playground...if you want a social media site for toddlers and tweens - why don't you go invent one.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I don't have a problem with it at all

 

[Disneylover99]

I teach 6th grade, and the number of students who have Facebook/Instagram accounts is only going up. They are not 13 years old, yet they have complete access to these sites (and so many others -- apps like Snapchat and YikYak. That's for another thread.) There are SO MANY problems that stem from social media, then extend into the school setting. My daughter (age 11) asked if she could have an Instagram account. I have no problem telling her NO. She probably won't have one when she's 13 either. She's an excellent student, and has never given me a reason not to trust her. I just see how much these sites stress kids out, and it's not worth it. ETA - we have family who doesn't live nearby, so she wants to post things they can see. Still not worth it to me. They can facetime!!

I totally agree. We have Instagram/FB problems spilling into the classrooms in grades five and six right now, usually in the form of bullying. Often, it's the so called "good" kids and "mature" kids who are behind it. Some parents just don't want to believe it.

 

[mnrose]

Actually, kids ARE more mature when 13 then 10 or 11. For sure. Are they completely mature? No.

I think it's asking for trouble to "give" kids permission to break the very clear rules of these social media sites. You clearly have to flat out lie to get an account before you actually turn 13. You are asked to enter a birthdate and if you enter it honestly, you don't get an account. So, if you as a parent "allow" this circumvention of the rule, IMO, you are telling kids it's ok to ignore the rules that people put in place "when you want to." I think this is a dangerous message to send to a young, impressionable mind.

Mine were flat out not allowed to have these accounts before 13. They also did not have cell phones until they were nearly 14. Yes, I know, I'm very mean. LOL. I monitored their computer access before they were 13 quite closely so I know they weren't "cheating."

Other parents can do as they want, but leave the complaining about what happens as an off shoot of the decision to circumvent the rules to themselves. Zero sympathy from me.

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

Totally agree with OP!! I'll never understand how parents are teaching kids online safety while at the same time telling them it's absolutely okay to lie about how old you are. "Yes, you can lie and make things up here, but don't do it here." Really?

PPs mentioned things like the inhaler and the Rosa Parks examples of breaking rules. I agree there are instances like that. But my child would need to make a compelling argument like either of those before I'd consider giving consent. I'm sorry, but "everyone's doing it" is not a compelling argument!

I'm sorry, I don't encourage my children to lie under any circumstances. And that's exactly what you're doing by letting them create an account on these sites. It's not just breaking a rule. It's lying! They are checking off a box that says they're 13 and they're not. Not gonna happen here!

 

[NHdisneylover]

PPs mentioned things like the inhaler and the Rosa Parks examples of breaking rules. I agree there are instances like that. But my child would need to make a compelling argument like either of those before I'd consider giving consent. I'm sorry, but "everyone's doing it" is not a compelling argument!

I was that PP. I thought that I made it clear in my post--that is where we draw the line in our house--when there is such a compelling reason to make the choice to break a rule.
Simply not liking the rule or finding it inconvenient is not acceptable.

ETA--essentially, I have never taught my children that blind obedience is a good thing, but I have also never taught them that it is ok to disregard rules and laws and the like without a good, thoughtful reason.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I will be the dissenter.

My dd's are 18 and 24 so they are not young in today's digital age. In the 90's things were less restricted.

I told them lying on the internet is something that you have to do sometimes.

If someone were to ask for you name, address, etc., you lie to them. Giving a stranger personal info is something you do not do over the internet.

The internet is an entity where people lie. It is the nature of the beast.

 

[mom2AidanAndEli]

I was that PP. I thought that I made it clear in my post--that is where we draw the line in our house--when there is such a compelling reason to make the choice to break a rule.
Simply not liking the rule or finding it inconvenient is not acceptable.

ETA--essentially, I have never taught my children that blind obedience is a good thing, but I have also never taught them that it is ok to disregard rules and laws and the like without a good, thoughtful reason.

Yes, you made it clear. I was agreeing with you!!! Those would be the kind of compelling arguments I'd need to hear to agree, not simply "everyone's doing it".