taking WDW trip away from child?

[jkstewart1800]

Ouch.

Yeah - thankfully my father didn't marry her. But my stepmother didn't have children of her own... she had never been a mom until me - and I was a teenager already... I think it was really hard for her to love me unconditionally... that skill is a hard one and I think it comes with time spent with babies, and toddlers watching them grown, bonding too them when they are still cute...

My husband and I have taken 2 vacations with just eachother since we have had kids... I think it is very important to do that sort of thing with your spouse... however it didn't replace our 'family vacation'... and that I think is where the problem lies for the OP... she has to decided if it is a 'family vacation' or a 'adults only trip" and if it is the latter, she probably shouldn't go to WDW.... save that for family time.

 

[spacemountainmom]

As a parent of a teenage girl, I do feel your pain. Our pastor at church once said that at the age of 12 kids should be locked in a barrel and not let out for 10 years. Unfortunately, some days I agree with that! My dd15 and I butt heads waaaaaaay more than I did with my mom. It's now that I butt heads with my mom - lol!

However, I would take SD to WDW. My MIL and FIL took a couple trips to WDW when we were high school age and left my DH home. It was never a punishment, they just did not want to take him and have him "intrude" on their vacation. Believe me....he's still resentful more than 25 years later. It's not like he dwells on it, but when he thinks about it (like now when we are planning our next trip) he gets angry.

Hopefully, being away from home will allow you all to "let loose" and enjoy each other's company. It might turn the corner to a more positive relationship for you.

Good luck to you!

I just wanted to add that I agree with PP who suggested a girls only activity. It could go a long way in her eyes. If you can't do something at WDW, maybe a pre-trip shopping excursion or spa day???

 

[Suellen]

Well I personally would never use this as a punishment. While it would be a punishment for my girls ~ it would be a bigger punishment for me. I would miss them and be miserable without them. <---JMHO.

I would suggest though if you do take her ~ make sure to give her and dad some time alone. It may make all the difference with her attitude toward the trip. A special dinner or something?

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[wanttobeinvienna]

Dear Friend:

First and foremost **HUGS**

I am a step mom to 11 and 13 year old girls, and I have 2 myself, ages 7 and 9. There are really up days, and there are some days that I wonder how in the world I am going to get through it. Sure, when we married our husbands we knew they had children. That being said, there are bumps and bruises along the way...much like marriage

I respect that you kept the reasons of her punishment quiet... What it shows us is that you have complete respect for your stepdaughter and that is something to be respected and admired.

So - here is my insight. My 13 year old step daughter is amazing- she is a joy, amazing and easy. My 11 year old step daughter is a sweet child also- but she is the one that is the quickest to rebel, talk back, and disobey rules. We have stepped up the punishments with the various "offenses" for a lack of better terms. Grounding, Cheerleading taken away, and finally, her room cleared out of any personal items (a suggestion that I was appalled by at first, but actually really worked).

In each punishment we also talked...and talked...and then talked a little more... And we learned something amazing...

My 11 year old step daughter felt like she was betraying her mom if she had fun with us. She felt she was honoring her mom by disliking me. In her mom she was defending her mom, in the way she knew how... It changed our perspective, and allowed us to address a very real emotion in her head. Does it mean everything is peaches and roses now...no ... But it gave us perspective to her mind...

Long post, all to say... it is important to have rules and consequenses in your house that you and your husband agree on, and are explained to her. And it is also important that she knows that she does not have to choose between her mom and her dad. We say OFTEN in our house... We are all on the same team!

Good luck- she is lucky to have you!

 

[Elmo888]

I know for you, it is a reward of sorts, but somehow, it doesn't translate the same for a child. Maybe because they don't earn it in the way an adult does... work, money, vacation time from work, etc.

I agree with other posters...to a kid, the trip doesn't seem like a reward (or a punishment if you take it away). To a kid, not taking her will just scream to her "you don't want to spend time with me!" I wouldn't look at it as a reward/punishment, but as just spending time with her. I wouldn't punish a kid by refusing to spend time with her. That seems to say that she isn't worth your time.

Maybe, if you can afford it, plan a girls morning or afternoon. Take her to the Grand Floridian Spa and go get manis and/or pedis. I don't know the background or how bad her behavior really is (my mother thought I was the absolute worst but I know I wasn't. I had a foul mouth and attitude, but I didn't drink, steal, do drugs, etc.) but I think treating her like she's special and showing her that you really care about her will go a long way.

I was going to suggest the same thing. And maybe your DH can spend some one on one time with her, too, while you happily do something else (even if you have to force the happily part).

I agree with Rylee.... Family vacations aren't really 'rewards' to kids as we see a vacation as a reward for all our hard work. Family vacations are just one of those madatory things that we as parents do. We cannot put our own expectations on what we think will happen, or how we think our kids will feel about the trip. We can't force them to have a good time. I don't know of many kids (teens included) turn and look their parents in the face right after walking into the magic kingdom and say "gee, thanks mom and dad for all of the hard work, sacrafice, over time, penny pinching, love, planning and patience you put in to make this a great trip."

But that is okay. They are not supposed to...

The OP mentioned that she doesn't feel like it is a vacation when she brings her Step daughter.... well, welcome to parenthood! Traveling with kids, no matter what their age is hardly considered a vacation !

These are two good points, too, and neither are exclusive to stepchildren.

We have taken DDs to WDW three time. Our oldest was 6, 7, and 9 on each of our trips, and she didn't understand the sacrifice. You can't act like you are doing your SD or any child a "favor" by taking them to WDW or any trip. That might be what it seems like to you, but that isn't how it seems to them.

A friend of mine with her own two DDs says that is just a "trip" when you take your kids, and it is a "vacation" without the kids. She differentiates the two.

Good luck!

 

[indimom]

Dear Friend:
My 11 year old step daughter is a sweet child also- but she is the one that is the quickest to rebel, talk back, and disobey rules. We have stepped up the punishments with the various "offenses" for a lack of better terms. Grounding, Cheerleading taken away, and finally, her room cleared out of any personal items (a suggestion that I was appalled by at first, but actually really worked).
In each punishment we also talked...and talked...and then talked a little more... And we learned something amazing...
My 11 year old step daughter felt like she was betraying her mom if she had fun with us. She felt she was honoring her mom by disliking me. In her mom she was defending her mom, in the way she knew how... It changed our perspective, and allowed us to address a very real emotion in her head. Does it mean everything is peaches and roses now...no ... But it gave us perspective to her mind...

I was wondering the same thing. ESPECIALLY since the OP and her husband sound like they may be the better grounded and secure parents (not constantly dissapointing their daughter).
My best friend growing up was a child of divorce and she had a lousy father, never there for her, always dissapointing her, generally more concerned with where he would get his next beer than his (at the time) only child.
Her mother remarried when she was 13. Not only was this a big adjustment for her, but I think the fact that her step-father was a decent/steady/secure guy just reinforced the fact that her DAD was not. If you see what I mean??
It actually hurt her that he was always there for them, that he didn't make promises and then change his mind. Because THAT was what her father should have been doing. It actually made her angry that he was "better" than her father (and in all honesty, it really isn't right that someone your parent married when you were half grown should be a better parent than the one who gave you life, you know?) and, at 13, this was very difficult to express/handle.
I have to be honest and add that they didn't have a great relationship until she was out of the house and had finally resolved her feelings about her dad. They have a fantastic relationship now though, and he is a very good grandfather to her children.

I also have to agree with the other posters that being hated is part of being a mom to a teenage girl. My daughter and I definitely have our ups and downs. There are days we are like best friends, and then there are the days where she pushes the boundaries, or takes advantage, or just doesn't LIKE me. It can be pretty painful when you know that every decision you make is made for their benefit and they just WON'T (not can't, won't) see that. It's a real struggle whether you are their birth mom or step mom.

I really think you should take her on the trip. I also think (if you haven't already done this), you need to set the ground rules and consequences up front. She needs to know what is at stake when she continues to break your rules. Be strong, be calm, and just keep working with her. There is a reason behind her behavior, you just need time to get to the root of the problem.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I understand you and your stepdaughter have a difficult relationship. I understand she has been misbehaving in what you have described as a dangerous manner.

But it is so sad that you think it is only a vacation if it is you and your husband. You knew your husband had a daughter when you married him. I'm betting you knew before you married him, that his daughter was not thrilled with him remarrying and that it would be a tough road ahead.

Even though you say you are trying to be the best step mom and try to be positive with her, I'm sure she picks up that you don't consider her part of the family. If you are thinking you don't want to go on vacation with her, even though you never say it out loud, she has probably picked up on it.

For your sake and your family's I urge you to consider family counseling. Your step daughter obviously has some problems. It sounds like it would help you in dealing with her for you and your husband to learn some new coping techniques.

This exactly.
I didn't know quite how to phrase it but even though you say that you ben over backwards you still don't really consider her family from what you have posted. I am betting that she knows it even if you don't say it.

 

[cm8]

I understand you and your stepdaughter have a difficult relationship. I understand she has been misbehaving in what you have described as a dangerous manner.

But it is so sad that you think it is only a vacation if it is you and your husband. You knew your husband had a daughter when you married him. I'm betting you knew before you married him, that his daughter was not thrilled with him remarrying and that it would be a tough road ahead.

Even though you say you are trying to be the best step mom and try to be positive with her, I'm sure she picks up that you don't consider her part of the family. If you are thinking you don't want to go on vacation with her, even though you never say it out loud, she has probably picked up on it.

For your sake and your family's I urge you to consider family counseling. Your step daughter obviously has some problems. It sounds like it would help you in dealing with her for you and your husband to learn some new coping techniques.

I really agree with this statement. OP, I wish you the best of luck with your SD and your trip whatever you may choose

 

[cecilia]

i would take her if you do not take her she will blame you . im so sorry for whats going on in your life hope things get better. ps i did the math and we are the same age i feel for i know i could not handle a 13 year old

 

[mjejj]

I'm a stepmom of a DSD15 and a DSS13. You have gotten a lot of good advice so here's my two cents....

If your SD lives with you, you really should take her with you. If her primary home was with her Mom, it would be a little different, but by not taking her it would make her feel more like a third wheel than she already does. Not that you are making her feel that way, but I'm sure that is a feeling she has.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head when they said maybe your SD feels disloyal to her Mom when she enjoys herself with you guys. Another reason to take her is to prove to her that you do follow through when you say you are going to do something. If you have told her that she is going (like her Mom has) and then don't take her (like her Mom has) then she's not going to trust you even more. Maybe the reason she doesn't seem to excited is that she has been down this road before and hasn't gone. By following through on the trip (something fun) maybe this will show her you do what you say and that may go along way with the behavior problems at home.

My SKids and I get along pretty well now(hasn't always been the case, but we've worked on it) but, even now when we go on vacation, we all sit down and go over the "rules". Basically, we are all going on vacation together and you can have fun or not. I'm going to have fun and you are not going to ruin my trip. If you choose not to have fun, do it quietly. This actually seems to work. Try to include your SD but don't go overboard. Have fun and do stuff you want, offer to do stuff she wants and I bet she will join in.

I guess my point is, you're the adult. You have to make it work. She is a child in a situation she didn't choose plus she is 13 (which is a weird age in the best of circumstances). She will remember everything you do for her, good and bad, so just do the right thing and one day (probably years and years from now) she will understand that. Good Luck!!

 

[cecilia]

if you do not take her she is going to think you do not like her .show her she is wrong take her on the trip . as for punishment sorry my kids are 4 and 6 both boys

 

[cecilia]

i like your advice im not a step mom but i was a foster child and i know what its like to get left behind when they go on trips . one fam left me with a sitter while they went to aspin ski trip . so i say punish yes but never leave a child behind on trips

I'm a stepmom of a DSD15 and a DSS13. You have gotten a lot of good advice so here's my two cents....

If your SD lives with you, you really should take her with you. If her primary home was with her Mom, it would be a little different, but by not taking her it would make her feel more like a third wheel than she already does. Not that you are making her feel that way, but I'm sure that is a feeling she has.

I think a PP hit the nail on the head when they said maybe your SD feels disloyal to her Mom when she enjoys herself with you guys. Another reason to take her is to prove to her that you do follow through when you say you are going to do something. If you have told her that she is going (like her Mom has) and then don't take her (like her Mom has) then she's not going to trust you even more. Maybe the reason she doesn't seem to excited is that she has been down this road before and hasn't gone. By following through on the trip (something fun) maybe this will show her you do what you say and that may go along way with the behavior problems at home.

My SKids and I get along pretty well now(hasn't always been the case, but we've worked on it) but, even now when we go on vacation, we all sit down and go over the "rules". Basically, we are all going on vacation together and you can have fun or not. I'm going to have fun and you are not going to ruin my trip. If you choose not to have fun, do it quietly. This actually seems to work. Try to include your SD but don't go overboard. Have fun and do stuff you want, offer to do stuff she wants and I bet she will join in.

I guess my point is, you're the adult. You have to make it work. She is a child in a situation she didn't choose plus she is 13 (which is a weird age in the best of circumstances). She will remember everything you do for her, good and bad, so just do the right thing and one day (probably years and years from now) she will understand that. Good Luck!!

 

[jodifla]

Thanks for your thoughts and input.

To answer some of your questions....

I do not have any children of my own. We hope to add to our family soon.
So I cannot honestly answer the question of if it was DD would I consider taking it away... I would like to say yes, but I guess I don't know for sure since I don't have a DD.

I work every day on my relationship with SD. She does not make it easy and I am not perfect. We have good days and we have bad days. Right now, things are pretty horrible. I have endured a lot with her and the way she treats me. I try to tell myself it isn't me, it is just because I am a stepmom, I try to learn from it, and I try very hard to do the right thing when it comes to her. Every decision we make and every step we take in this house, we consider SD, her needs, her feelings, her involvement. I hope that you don't get the wrong idea and think I am a horrible person or stepmother. I try very very hard.

I cannot cancel the trip, or else I would. I am actually going as a reward for some very hard tests that I took for work. My work is paying for part of the trip (for DH and I- but we upgraded to stay at WDW instead of their off site hotel) and we are paying out of pocket for SD. I have to go that specific time because of the conference.

I don't want to go into details about the trouble she is getting into (i hope you understand). It isn't drugs or stealing cars, but it isn't not cleaning her room or doing her homework either.

I hope I answered all of your questions. Again, I really appreciate your thoughts and feedback. This has been very hard for us and I am just feeling so distraught over everything right now.

Here's the thing: Why should she make your life easier? I don't know all the details, but I know this: If I ever had my parents split up and had a stepmom thrust into my life, I would have HATED her, particularly at 13. I would have done everything to make HER life miserable, just as MY life was now miserable coming from a broken home.

Adults continually underestimate how devastating it is to have a family break up.

 

[eyor44]

I am going to assume that you have always had friction but just recently she is getting worse? Perhaps the trip is the problem.

If her Mother has promised to take her and never has and now you are, perhaps she is feeling at odds with that. Not sure if you are going to keep your promise, since her Mother hasn't. And perhaps Mother is making remarks about the trip that is causing SD conflicting emotions.

I had to deal with that a lot with my oldest DS. His Dad would make promises and never keep them. We would make plans to do something and then as it got closer, it was like DS was trying (very hard) to mess up the plans.

Kids have it very hard dealing with two separate families, so I would cut her a little slack. Punish her with something else, but take her with you. also, while you are at the conference she and your DH will have quality time together. They both might need that.

 

[*Meagan*]

But it is so sad that you think it is only a vacation if it is you and your husband. You knew your husband had a daughter when you married him. I'm betting you knew before you married him, that his daughter was not thrilled with him remarrying and that it would be a tough road ahead.
QUOTE]

I strongly disagree. What I took from it is that the OP is so stressed at home and just needs a break.. taking SD on a vacation just does not sound like a vacation. And if SD is not thankful or appreciative its just that much more frustrating. Just like SD needs quality time her father.. OP needs quality time with her husband.


I can not STAND when people say "you knew they had a child when you married them" is that somehow going to stop the person from loving the other person. Its baffling to me.


On another note.. I think you should take her maybe it would help your family bond and grow together.

 

[LuvLDM]

duplicate post..quote feature tripped me up

 

[LuvLDM]

But it is so sad that you think it is only a vacation if it is you and your husband. You knew your husband had a daughter when you married him. I'm betting you knew before you married him, that his daughter was not thrilled with him remarrying and that it would be a tough road ahead.
QUOTE]

I strongly disagree. What I took from it is that the OP is so stressed at home and just needs a break.. taking SD on a vacation just does not sound like a vacation. And if SD is not thankful or appreciative its just that much more frustrating. Just like SD needs quality time her father.. OP needs quality time with her husband.


I can not STAND when people say "you knew they had a child when you married them" is that somehow going to stop the person from loving the other person. Its baffling to me.


On another note.. I think you should take her maybe it would help your family bond and grow together.

Baffling, really? You don't see that when you marry someone who already has a child, you are making a commitment to the child as well as your spouse?
Sorry but your above comment strikes me as incredibly immature.

 

[maxiesmom]

Baffling, really? You don't see that when you marry someone who already has a child, you are making a commitment to the child as well as your spouse?
Sorry but your above comment strikes me as incredibly immature.

I agree. When you marry someone that has a child, the child is part of the deal. That doesn't mean that when you don't get along you get to leave that child. They are part of your family.

All family members make us angry. You don't get to just up and run away because of it. Well, you can. But that is an incredibly immature thing to do.

Sorry, but the OP is the adult in this situation. She has to be the one to suck it up and deal, and hopefuly handle things with grace. It is NOT up to the 13yr old girl who has had her family ripped apart and re-formed.

 

[*Meagan*]

Baffling, really? You don't see that when you marry someone who already has a child, you are making a commitment to the child as well as your spouse?
Sorry but your above comment strikes me as incredibly immature.

I will disregard the last line of your post.

Did I ever say that the child was not part of the deal??.. absolutely not.
I do think you make a commitment to the child and your spouse.

My husband has a child and that definitely did not stop me from marrying him.

All I said was I can not stand when people give that line.