Taking future mother-in-law to Disneyland? Advice.

[bethwc101]

My future mother in law and I have never gotten along. And one thing I know she has wanted to do was go to Disneyland. I was thinking it might be a good opportunity for us to really get to know eachother. Or it will do the complete oposite and tear us apart even farther. Any advice? Do you think it is a good idea. Any way to keep tensions calm?

 

[lalasmama]

As a newlywed who has had a rough time with her MIL, I applaud your effort to find a way to ease potential tensions! Honestly, as far as if it will help or not, I think it depends on the reasons things aren't great now. In my case, the only thing that was going to make it better with MIL was time--time to see that DH was truly invested, time to see that I could care for him, time to get used to the idea that her husband-wife-daughter-son family was moving on, grown up, and his family was shifting her into a grandmother role, just as her daughter's family was also doing... Finally, after a year of marriage, and 5 years together, she's figured out that she can count on me to get him to the hospital when necessary, that I'm capable of caring for him, and that *this* is his nuclear family now...

That being said, if it's just a case of not knowing each other well, and you have both wanted to go to DL, I'd say, "Go for it!" I would be careful to make it a relatively short trip, and do separate rooms, and consider if it would help or hurt to have your fiancée there. In our case, having DH there would have made things take even longer to get through, as she would be so focused on him (his comfort, his hunger level, his knee pain, etc) that we wouldn't get any talking done!

 

[lalasmama]

Also meant to point out that often an activity can help casual bonding--so, plan on doing something, not just staring at each other over meals! Of course, DL is great for this since you'll be looking at scenery, riding some rides, etc. Maybe plan a tour if she's never been there before, so you aren't having to make a ton of conversation while still getting used to each other.

 

[OZMom]

Yikes! I seriously applaud your efforts as well. It really could go either way, depending on what issues need to be worked out. However, I agree with PP to keep it short and get separate rooms. We took family with us on our last trip. Most stayed in their own rooms. However, my father, who I am very close with, stayed in our room with us and our kids...by the end of the trip I didn't even want to be around him. YMMV obviously, but having separate spaces to breathe and decompress after a day at the park would probably be helpful.

 

[Geemo]

My future mother in law and I have never gotten along. And one thing I know she has wanted to do was go to Disneyland. I was thinking it might be a good opportunity for us to really get to know eachother. Or it will do the complete oposite and tear us apart even farther. Any advice? Do you think it is a good idea. Any way to keep tensions calm?

How far is DLR from where you live?

If you two try to plan the trip together, it might begin that opportunity to get to know each other.
If the planning sessions go well then I'd hope the trip would too.
However, if the planning sessions are a BUST! you could pull the plug on the trip.

There's no since spending big bucks to be miserable. Even if it is at Disneyland.

You might have to face it..... some people just don't have a good side..... to be on.

I WISH you Luck and I truly hope this works for you.

Let us know what you are able to accomplish.

Geemo

 

[ajrwdwgirl]

Wow, good luck. The previous posters have given good advice. I would say that if you don't get two rooms, at least get a suite somewhere so you can still have some private space. I do love the idea of doing a tour so you have some other people around to buffer you two and might lead to more conversations. Since she hasn't been to DL the Welcome to Disneyland Tour might be perfect, fairly short and inexpensive. If you do this and she still doesn't like you then she clearly is impossible. Good luck and report back!

 

[VandVsmama]

Some food for thought:

1. How long is the DL trip going to be? If you & your MIL aren't getting along well, don't go to DL for 5 days. 2 days ideally, 3 tops.
2. Hopefully your fiance will be going, too. From personal experience, I have found it to work better with the problematic family member if one's fiance or spouse is there with you every time you spend time with said family member.
3. Get separate hotel rooms. If that isn't affordable for both of you, then don't go on the trip. This rule would be non-negotiable for me. I've been married for almost 20 years now and I gotta say that the BEST visits with difficult family members have been those visits in which we have NOT stayed in the same house/room/etc with them. Separate hotel rooms are a must.
4. In order to make a DL trip with a difficult person (i.e., someone who you don't get along with very well) a successful one, you'd need to identify what it is that isn't working very well in the relationship. So just consider this....if things aren't going so well when you spend a little time with your future MIL, why would it be any better when you are going on vacation with her?

Some other things to consider when making extended-family vacations to DL are:

• Early bird or night owl - Are you a morning person and she's a night owl? Do you want to be there for rope drop & she wants to sleep in or vice versa? If so, then you will either need to forgo all of your wants/expectations for the DL trip and cater to her or come to a gentleman's agreement with your MIL on how things will go. But if your MIL is the sort of person who does not negotiate well and wants things her way, then just consider that when making your decisions.
• Food - Are you an adventurous eater and she likes standard fare? Or vice versa? Does she prefer Counter Service places while you & your fiance like places like Napa Rose & Carthay Circle?
• Food pt 2 - What time of day does she usually eat her meals? Does she HAVE to eat lunch at 12:00 pm & dinner at 6:00 pm or is she more flexible? If she's flexible, how flexible? Does she have any dietary restrictions or food allergies?
• Does your MIL travel a lot or not at all? - I bring this up because going to a place like DL often requires a person to be willing a bit to go with the flow and change your plans at the last minute. This can be difficult for people to handle at times if they're not used to it.
• Get some down time away from her every day - Seriously. I cannot emphasize this enough. My sister & I get along great, but when we are in each other's faces all day long for 2 days in a row, we start to get a bit irritable & snappy with each other. Even if you do 3 days at DL, you will need some down time. A good way to deal with this would be to: (a) stay at a motel within walking distance; and (b) have BOTH OF YOU take a mid-afternoon break at the motel.
• Be very clear on who is paying for what - If the expectation is that you will pay your own way and she will pay her own way, then be very clear & up front about it. If she offers to pay for your way as well, politely decline and pay for yourself anyway. Trust me on this one...speaking from experience.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

Some more food for thought: if this trip does not go well at all or go as well as you expected, will this mar DLR for you? Negative memories, hard/hurt feelings, difficulties planning future trips with grandchildren, etc.? DLR is one place I would never take my MIL. She would be so stressed by the crowds and overstimulation, which would result in even more tension and negative vibes. We've tried many, many things to reach out to her over the years, but I've had to accept that some people don't really want to be happy and to have good relationships. Some people just want to wallow and be negative and drag everyone else down with them. Sad.
After you are married, you may need a happy place to escape family pressures and drama. For me, DLR is that place. If you think it might be your happy place, think twice before attaching it to bad/sad memories.
All that said, I hope that your relationship with your future MIL improves and that you are able to do something fun together, whether it be Disney or something else.

 

[Gisele]

Good grief and good luck!

 

[Indiana Scott]

Advice?
Leave her there.