Stupid Valentines Disappointment Warning

[cabanafrau]

My husband is not a jerk.

I would not demand a gift. I don't want or need a gift. I guess I need something special to show he is thinking of and appreciating me.

A forced Hallmark card does not do that.

That's a nice, calm relationship issue you should be discussing -- and it has nothing to do with holidays, the real or the commercially driven variety, and disappointment about not receiving a trinket or a card. If I felt like this I would be looking for ways to spend more frequent quality time solo with my spouse to make sure we reconnected in a way that put us right back in the mindset of why early on we felt we had to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm not talking about infatuation. I'm talking about how interesting we found one another and could spend hours together doing anything or nothing, just talking about things. I get if you have kids, jobs, a home to take care of, other responsibilities, it can be easier said than done. At first to get the machine working again it might mean some date nights. Once the machine starts gaining some momentum you may find yourselves fully engaged in great conversations again while you tackle cleaning the garage or removing wallpaper.

If I were you I would be having a discussion about feeling disconnected and making some plans to work to change that. Even if a marriage is rock steady it's easy to go through times where events and overloaded schedules make you feel pulled apart. The trick is finding ways to make the time to reconnect and have it be a priority for both of you.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

My dh is not a man who thinks a lot about these holiday's (valentines day, sweetest day). To him they are silly holidays and I agree now. I didn't used to but I kind of thought to myself that if I don't have any expectations about these novelty holidays and if he did get me a card or whatever then it was bonus. I know my dh loves me. He texts me everyday saying something silly and loving. He makes sure my oil in my car is changed and my tires are rotated and he folds my laundry. Likewise I pack his lunch everyday and make sure he doesn't run out of deoderant. To me its those daily things that show we love each other not a card and not some candy. I came home on Valentines day from a long day at work and then hitting the gym. I got him his favorite pizza on my way home and we ate and by the time I got ready to go to bed and went in my bathroom I see a card and some chocolates on the bathroom counter waiting for me. I didn't expect that at all so it was BONUS!!!!

 

[sk!mom]

Have to mention just because you gave it a price tag, I've noticed over the past several months in particular that if I walk into Hallmark the prices of cards are completely cuckoo. What I consider a basic card is now at least $6, and often they are very ugly and kind of strange sounding if you read them. A nicer card with any kind of detailing is generally 7.99 to 8.99 anymore -- and I feel those would be nicer without all of the over the top embellishments to boot.

Finally told DH, no more buying cards for each other. Bought him a lottery ticket instead of a birthday card. Neither one of us cares, so why spend an arm and a leg?

Agree on the ridiculous cost of cards so my DH is the only one I still consistently buy them for. It's important to him and he has saved every one I've ever given him. Last Valentine's Day, he gave me the perfect card. I had seen it at HEB and passed it up because of the high price tag. When I opened it, I admitted to passing it over.

We have friends who, although they could afford cards now, developed the tradition in their young broke days of going to look at cards together, picking the perfect one, letting the other read it, putting them back, and walking out of the store to go out to dinner.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I cannot help that. It isn't a cop out or an excuse. My DH always says I can't hide my emotions. I can't. It is easier to read my face than a book. All I do when the kids know I'm upset is tell them it isn't them and I will be fine.

That's one of the reasons I want to figure out how to get past this. I don't want my girls to see me so upset over something I honestly feel is trivial. Gifts do not matter to me, and I don't want them to equate gifts to love. I don't understand why it bothers me so. Hopefully I will get past it.

Understanding these gut-reaction feelings of disappointment and sadness will likely be the first step at getting past it or working thru it.
Try to focus on that... understanding 'why'. Where is this coming from. What are the issues that you are attaching to all of this?

 

[elaine amj]

We're another non-gift giving couple. We usually do a little something to acknowledge special days though. He likes it when I post something mushy on Facebook I wasn't feeling well and was super grumpy for this year's Valentine's Day though. We ate leftovers and I huddled in my room with a blanket over my head and snarled at DH when he came near. My poor DH!

Instead, I've started arranging dinners out for special holidays. It takes the pressure off of him and we get some time alone away from the kids. It also helps me to remember that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and some fantastic qualities come with trade-offs.

I really like the dinner idea. Why don't you arrange a special dinner/meal for each occasion? That way you feel you are doing something to celebrate (and it's not just another day) and it also takes the pressure off him to come up with a gift.

Have to mention just because you gave it a price tag, I've noticed over the past several months in particular that if I walk into Hallmark the prices of cards are completely cuckoo. What I consider a basic card is now at least $6, and often they are very ugly and kind of strange sounding if you read them. A nicer card with any kind of detailing is generally 7.99 to 8.99 anymore -- and I feel those would be nicer without all of the over the top embellishments to boot.

Finally told DH, no more buying cards for each other. Bought him a lottery ticket instead of a birthday card. Neither one of us cares, so why spend an arm and a leg?

I know - card prices are CRAZY!! When we were newly married, I bought DH and I a special notebook and the idea was that for each special occasion, we would each write a mushy message to each other. Sadly, we're both procrastinators and the freedom of not having to buy $$ cards went to our heads - after the first couple of (very sweet) notes, neither of us filled out the book anymore. I still think it was an awesome idea though! Sure wish we had kept it up.

 

[cabanafrau]

Read some books on decluttering, wasting less, organizing, minimalism. Then you'll be glad you don't have another $5 card that you have to put somewhere which will sit and gather dust and clutter up your house until eventually you throw it out or just let the pile of cards keep accumulating.

We have a no gifts / no cards deal on valentines, anniversary, birthdays, mothers/fathers day. If we subscribed to all that I would be shopping for gifts and cards all the time. If I want/need something I get it myself. If he wants/needs something he gets it himself. It's a lot less stressful not having to come up with some creative gift that we don't need every couple of months.

We do a similar approach, but there is some gift giving. Most often it's more me giving a gift to my DH anymore & telling him not to bother getting me anything because I have intentions on going out and buying myself X or Y clothing items I want to go and search out for myself. My DH happens to get really excited about the prospect of getting a gift, especially Christmas or birthday. He is literally dying to find out what it's going to be. Inevitably as the years go by there are less and less options because you reach a point where you have what you need and want.

He's a homebrewer and craft beer lover and we started giving him special brews to try. It's challenging and time consuming to giftwrap a bottles of beer. Most of the surprise and suspense is diminished when he picks up the package, tips it back and forth to feel the movement/weight of the liquid and says, it's beer. A few years ago our daughters and I decided to dispense with wrapping the bottles and instead decided to very simply decorate or theme the bottles in a display under the Christmas tree. Our kids are in college now and Christmas morning was kind of losing that eager joyfulness of surprise. Now there is big excitement to see how he will enjoy Santa's reindeer, the Las Vegas strip, what's in Dr. Who's tardis or what kind of battle is going on in the world of Star Wars. The man literally does a full on photo shoot of the tableau, then each brew individually -- often switching with different lenses and filters to fully capture the exact image. We laugh & have a lot of fun at his excitement in discovering each beer we picked out & how much he can't wait to try one he's been hearing about or one he's never heard of that sounds so interesting. Sometimes he shoots a picture later when he's finally pulling out one of the beers to try and gives his tasting notes on Facebook so his brewing buddies can talk about the beer. That has been a fun gift giving tradition that all of us on the gifting or receiving end enjoy.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I cannot help that. It isn't a cop out or an excuse. My DH always says I can't hide my emotions. I can't. It is easier to read my face than a book. All I do when the kids know I'm upset is tell them it isn't them and I will be fine.

That's one of the reasons I want to figure out how to get past this. I don't want my girls to see me so upset over something I honestly feel is trivial. Gifts do not matter to me, and I don't want them to equate gifts to love. I don't understand why it bothers me so. Hopefully I will get past it.

You keep trying to downplay it. Maybe because you assume other people think it's trivial, but it clearly isn't for you. That's ok. It bothers you. Unless you really are able to just take a deep breath and not care anymore then you're only going to make yourself more upset by diminishing it. That can create a spiral and make you feel even worse because you've convinced yourself how trivial it is an now you're upset about something "stupid."

I'll go against the grain a little bit. Lots of PPs seem to echo no gift giving and that daily chores show love. I get that but I also think splitting of life stuff is a non-negotiable of two people merging lives. It's great that some people see their partner taking the cars for oils changes as an act of love.

Others need some acknowledgement above daily sharing of duties. From your posts I get the sense that it really isn't about the gift despite all the talk of gifts. It sounds like you have a need to be acknowledged outside of everyday tasks and these holidays seem like an opportunity.

You haven't mentioned how your DH responded to his gift or what he said. That may give insight into how he views all this. But I wonder if you would still be upset if he arrived with no gift but said "Happy Vday, I love you, I was thinking about you today and remember the time blah blah blah wasn't that amazing. You're the best"

I think before you can reconcile this you really have to figure out if it is the gift or that you're hung up on the gift because it says on its own "I was thinking of you."

 

[cabanafrau]

Agree on the ridiculous cost of cards so my DH is the only one I still consistently buy them for. It's important to him and he has saved every one I've ever given him. Last Valentine's Day, he gave me the perfect card. I had seen it at HEB and passed it up because of the high price tag. When I opened it, I admitted to passing it over.

We have friends who, although they could afford cards now, developed the tradition in their young broke days of going to look at cards together, picking the perfect one, letting the other read it, putting them back, and walking out of the store to go out to dinner.

If my DH cared at all about the cards I would absolutely get them for him. You understand your hubby and that the cards are really meaningful to him and you make sure it happens and that's great. Ideally in a relationship we understand, accommodate and treasure our mate's quirks. Believe me, I understand what a balancing act my DH has on his hands in dealing with my very long list of quirks and I am very grateful he has the fortitude to handle the job!

 

[okeydokey]

I cannot help that. It isn't a cop out or an excuse. My DH always says I can't hide my emotions. I can't. It is easier to read my face than a book. All I do when the kids know I'm upset is tell them it isn't them and I will be fine.

That's one of the reasons I want to figure out how to get past this. I don't want my girls to see me so upset over something I honestly feel is trivial. Gifts do not matter to me, and I don't want them to equate gifts to love. I don't understand why it bothers me so. Hopefully I will get past it.

It bothers you because your husband is telling you that your sadness does not matter to him. I would be bothered too. I'm so sorry.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I tend to agree with the above post.
I believe the OP says that she has mentioned this to him. And, add in the fact that her feelings seem to show on her sleeve.
I can't say that I have any info or understanding. Since they do seem to have a good relationship. And, well, I am just going to go ahead and put on my flame-suit and say this... some men can be clueless about this stuff.
But, something does seem to be 'off'.

 

[cabanafrau]

It bothers you because your husband is telling you that your sadness does not matter to him. I would be bothered too. I'm so sorry.

I understand that what you're saying is very true based on what we know from what OP has said here. Where I would urge just a little bit of caution before OP invests wholesale in that viewpoint is that she try to take a couple steps back, a few deep breaths and really try to take an objective view at the big picture. Sometimes we can get a little myopic in how we view our lives and our relationships, forgetting to factor in how we can easily take little, everyday things for granted and not leave a little forgiveness and grace for someone else's foibles and imperfections -- yet always factoring in the same when looking at our own actions.

OP, I'm not saying you're wrong or you're making things up or anything like that. I'm just saying it's smart to take a deep, honest look at both sides and ask yourself if perhaps in your hubby's eyes he's giving his all in X, Y, and Z ways, yet it seems like you're never satisfied? A nice, calm, thoughtful discussion and a chance to just spend some time enjoying each other's company sounds like a good plan.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Have you read 'Love Languages'? I did finally a few years ago, and it helped. It also helped me to explain to dh that while HE sees doing acts of service for me as being romantic and loving (and don't get me wrong, they're appreciate) acts of service isn't MY love language. After understanding how each of us feels love the most, it's easier for him to understand that on those few times a year when it's important to me, his making an effort means a lot. He knows that taking our son to choose Valentine cards for me, at Dollar Store, and getting me some inexpensive flowers (they bought me two mini rose plants this year, one for home and one for office) BEFORE Valentine's Day is just something I need. Even if it defies explanation to HIM. The rest of the year, I am happy to accept his love the way HE wants to share it.

 

[VandVsmama]

My general advice on your situation:

1. You're not being specific enough with your DH.
2. Be absolutely sure that you are communicating VERY CLEARLY with your DH re: what you really need/expect/want from Valentine's Day, your wedding anniversary, and Mother's Day.
3. For some spouses, when you say something like "I don't need anything, just something to show you're thinking of me a little" is WAY TOO VAGUE. In fact, some spouses will end up only remembering the "I don't need anything" part.
4. Don't tell your DH that you don't want or need anything when what you REALLY want is for him to do/buy something special for you. You are sending him mixed messages.
5. In order to get what you want, you first need to know what exactly it is that you'd like your DH to do, say, purchase, or arrange....whether it's dinner reservations & a babysitter so you can have an adults only evening out without kids or a Hallmark card with a love note in it or a dozen roses or whatever.
6. You won't get what you're looking for if you don't know what you want. I know this is a repeat of #5 but it's really important and worth repeating.
7. You need to be really honest with yourself. If what you REALLY want is a dozen roses and a nice gift on Valentine's Day or even better yet...if you work in an office or something and what you REALLY want is for the roses to be delivered to you at work so coworkers will oo and ah over them, then there's no way that will happen unless you flat out tell your DH very clearly "Honey, on Valentine's Day, I want something like ___. Here's the address to my work place."
8. If on Mother's Day, you want him to make you breakfast in bed, then you have to tell him that in very blunt terms. No hinting or beating around the bush with vague stuff like "something to show you're thinking of me a little." A guy could take that to mean all he has to do is send you a text message with a heart or something and that doesn't cost anything.
9. If you really want him to MAKE you something, then tell him that. And be specific about what sort of thing you want him to make.
10. If you want him to buy something that involves shoes or clothing, then be really specific about style, size, color, etc. Don't make him guess or you will end up frustrated.

 

[ronandannette]

I cannot help that. It isn't a cop out or an excuse. My DH always says I can't hide my emotions. I can't. It is easier to read my face than a book. All I do when the kids know I'm upset is tell them it isn't them and I will be fine.

That's one of the reasons I want to figure out how to get past this. I don't want my girls to see me so upset over something I honestly feel is trivial. Gifts do not matter to me, and I don't want them to equate gifts to love. I don't understand why it bothers me so. Hopefully I will get past it.

In light of some of the posts above speculating on your husband's motives and response to your feelings - please let us know how he actually did react to your emotions on Tuesday.

 

[MamaBelle4]

In light of some of the posts above speculating on your husband's motives and response to your feelings - please let us know how he actually did react to your emotions on Tuesday.

He was very upset that he had hurt me. He tried to make it up to me yesterday by initiating discussing the issue as soon as he got home, telling me I don't have to change my expectations, he needs to show me how much he appreciates me and loves me. Then he ran to the grocery store and made us crab cakes, shrimp in bacon and garlic with fries and popcorn shrimp for the kids.

He isn't "neglecting" these holidays out of malice or intention to hurt me. I can understand why it may appear that way to some posters, but I know he isn't cruel. He doesn't set much in store with gifts and I don't think he understood the difference between a gift and a gesture. That's why I wanted tips on how to get past it. I know he'd never do anything to purposefully cause me sadness.

 

[Sabeking]

I understand your disappointment OP. My experience with my husband of 20 years is similar. I have told him many times that a card or homemade dinner would be nice on Vday and it just doesn't happen. My question to him has been, " if you know that would make the person you love in this world feel good then why wouldn't you? Don't you always hear when people get divorced communication is a big issue If I am communicating that a card would validate my feelings then why wouldn't you? It's not like I am asking for a piece of jewelry.

Funny enough every birthday I ask him what he wants and he says "hotdogs, Patterson's chili , the tv remote, recliner and NO company. He likes to be left alone to relax and watch a game. If that makes him happy then great! So this March I think I will throw him a surprise party and have over 50 people. What's the difference?!

 

[sonnyjane]

He was very upset that he had hurt me. He tried to make it up to me yesterday by initiating discussing the issue as soon as he got home, telling me I don't have to change my expectations, he needs to show me how much he appreciates me and loves me. Then he ran to the grocery store and made us crab cakes, shrimp in bacon and garlic with fries and popcorn shrimp for the kids.

He isn't "neglecting" these holidays out of malice or intention to hurt me. I can understand why it may appear that way to some posters, but I know he isn't cruel. He doesn't set much in store with gifts and I don't think he understood the difference between a gift and a gesture. That's why I wanted tips on how to get past it. I know he'd never do anything to purposefully cause me sadness.

OP the love languages quiz is super easy. Even my DH took it and he is the LEAST likely suspect to take such a quiz haha. I know you said for you the gifts was the last thing, but if he reads about the different types of personalities and the differences between gestures (acts of service) and gifts maybe he would understand a little.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I told DH I'd let him off the hook for Valentine's Day if he would go get McDonalds breakfast on a morning I was hungover.

So worth it.

 

[ronandannette]

He was very upset that he had hurt me. He tried to make it up to me yesterday by initiating discussing the issue as soon as he got home, telling me I don't have to change my expectations, he needs to show me how much he appreciates me and loves me. Then he ran to the grocery store and made us crab cakes, shrimp in bacon and garlic with fries and popcorn shrimp for the kids.

He isn't "neglecting" these holidays out of malice or intention to hurt me. I can understand why it may appear that way to some posters, but I know he isn't cruel. He doesn't set much in store with gifts and I don't think he understood the difference between a gift and a gesture. That's why I wanted tips on how to get past it. I know he'd never do anything to purposefully cause me sadness.

In light of all you've said, I'm going to give you a very simple answer to your original question - and it's going to be very unpopular.

How you "get over" the feelings you're having is simply to TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH and stop acting out of your emotions. This is absolutely possible to do - feelings are just feelings - don't be so freaked out by them. You're in control. It sounds like you have an awesome marriage. No matter how hard pp's have tried to spin your husband into being purposely callous to your "needs" - you know that's not true. Choose happiness with your loving, committed DH and dear DDs. Life will likely deal you ups-and-downs that make this issue seem trivial; maybe it already has. Choose to keep your perspective - you can do it. Again, I wish you all well.

 

[luvsJack]

My husband is not a jerk.

I would not demand a gift. I don't want or need a gift. I guess I need something special to show he is thinking of and appreciating me.

A forced Hallmark card does not do that.

I get it. You would like for him to do something for these special days. And you deserve for him to do it. Others here don't care about Valentine's, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc. and that is ok for them. Its also ok that you would like him to do something. I told dh one time I didn't care if he picked flowers on the side of the road, just do something. He isn't the greatest at it but he has gotten better.

I don't think letting him know that you would like for him to do something for Mother's Day is demanding anything. Just let him know in advance so he has time. If a card isn't the ticket, make sure he knows that up front. If you don't make it clear what you expect, he isn't going to understand.

And don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't want him to do something for these days. They don't want anything, and that's fine. You do and that's fine too. You don't have to get over this. You just need to let him know that it hurt your feelings.

ETA: I see now that you did let him know. That's great. Now let him know that you expect him to take action for the next day that comes along. Don't push your feelings aside or let anyone make you feel like they are silly.