Still believing - Spoiler alert - Update

[Anastasi]

If you still believe in Santa - please stop reading this thread.






For those still here. I have a dilemma. What do you do about a child who still believes but is probably a little too old to still believe.

My daughter is turning 14 in a couple of weeks. We have all been wondering if she still really believes or is faking it for our sake. I have a friend whose adult daughter have never admitted that they know Santa is not real but play along for fun. My friend was trying to convince me that my daughter HAS to know.

But, then, just yesterday, I was talking about needing a Christmas list so I have something to tell relatives and she gave me several items on her list but then admitted that she was holding one item back because it was too expensive to ask us for so she was going to ask Santa.

My husband is adamant that I don't spoil this for her. My son (16) makes a compelling argument for cluing her in. None of us want her to be made fun of in school and DS reminds me that finding out stings for a day or so but then you get over it.

What do you think? Tell her or not?

Is it possible that she is doubting her belief or actually does not believe and asking for an expensive MAC is her way of proving to herself or to you that she does not believe?

It can be as hard for a child to tell their parents they don't believe anymore if in the child's mind they think they are going to disappoint the parents and"ruin" the Christmas spirit. Many children think that their parents are more into the Santa thing than they are and don't want to ruin it for them, so they go along with it for years just because they see how happy the parents are, not recognizing that the parents are beginning to become concerned.

I would sit down and have a talk to make sure you are on the same page.

 

[TheFloatingBear]

You all are pretty much confirming what my gut tells me - its time to tell her. Convincing my husband of that is going to be the hard part. He doesn't want to ruin this for her.

I do still believe that, while she might have doubts, she still believes. She absolutely would not tell me what this secret gift was because she knew it was too expensive for us to get her but Santa would. I managed to get a look at her list. She wants a Mac but specifically a 2015 model. It would make my life easier if I could explain that you can't buy a new 2015 Mac in 2018

The way I remember it, I'd say in around 5th to 6th grade, a lot of kids including myself really wanted to still believe, maybe even keeping up a pretense, or trying to apply kid logic to it like, "of course Santa's real, because my parents never would've spent that much money on something for me." It's more like trying to hold on, you know? Realistically, we all knew. By 14 though I'd say that was pretty past, not that I was ever told directly.

Of course, years later, I came to realize that Santa is real, but he's more than just a person, but rather a spirit that lives in all of us.

If you decide it's the right time to tell her, I have this book that could be a helpful resource...it's called "The (Wonderful) Truth About Santa" by B.K. Gendran. You can find it on Amazon. Anyway, it's definitely geared to a young child, but it's simple and has a lovely way of explaining Santa as the joy of giving in all of us. It covers the "betrayal" idea too as relating it to Saint Nicholas teaching "Giving is not about taking credit, but the joy a gift brings." The book explains it better, lol! Anyway, the gist of it is kind of what @BrianL said above...about "anyone who shares the spirit of the holiday through giving is a Santa." But anyway, it has a nice way of honoring the tradition as a child grows...

 

[Turn the Page]

You all are pretty much confirming what my gut tells me - its time to tell her. Convincing my husband of that is going to be the hard part. He doesn't want to ruin this for her.

I do still believe that, while she might have doubts, she still believes. She absolutely would not tell me what this secret gift was because she knew it was too expensive for us to get her but Santa would. I managed to get a look at her list. She wants a Mac but specifically a 2015 model. It would make my life easier if I could explain that you can't buy a new 2015 Mac in 2018

DD12 did that about 3 years ago, when she was around 9. She wouldn't tell us what she wanted because she was going to tell Santa. I thought that was late to still believe in Santa. I was about to sit her down and tell her 2 years ago but she finally admitted she had recently figured it out. The last few years I was not being obvious about it but not trying as hard to keep the story alive. Meaning, I started being less careful about the wrapping paper used on Santa's gifts let it be known that Santa and I have the same favorite cookies, etc. She said kids had started teasing her in about 3rd or 4th grade that she still believed.

I think it is time to have a discussion with your daughter about it. I love the idea a PP had about telling her Santa is more of an idea or feeling about the Christmas spirit than a real person. I do something similar with DD. My mother still puts from Santa on some of our Christmas presents even though I haven't believed for about 30 years now.

 

[BLAZEY]

DD is an enigma. In some areas, she is very bright and in other areas, she struggles with a language processing delay that spills over into other areas. She has incredible logic in some moments and can be oblivious in others. She spends hours watching you tube vides involving technology (smart phones, ipads etc) and can explain how to fix things but then moments later demonstrated such little understanding about something like did she just meet the real Ariel.

She is in 7th grade. Do some seventh graders still believe?

I think is time to have the chat about Santa. My DD started asking questions last year at age 8 grade 3. She still believes but heard something from classmates that have older siblings. I expect only to get this year and maybe next year before DD learns the truth. It does sound like she is delayed in some respect. My DD is 9 and in grade 4. Most 7th grade students are 12 and turn 13 during the year unless their birthday just fall after the cut off date.

 

[ronandannette]

I realize not all kids feel that way, I was just relaying my experience. I saw it as a lie then and, well, still see it as a lie today. Needless to say, I will not be telling my son Santa is real. Lol.

I get it and agree about not going with the Santa narrative. FTR, our Christmases have always been plenty of fun and our son doesn't seem damaged by never "believing" in Santa.

 

[BLAZEY]

See, she is in 7th grade so it is possible that she is not the last one.

But she 14 before January and only in 7th grade! I have NEVER known a neuro typical person the was 14 in 7th grade before January. I was in 9th grade when I was 14, DD will be 3/4 the way through 8th grade when she turns 14. At 14 most of her age peers are in 9th grade or Freshmen in high school.

 

[cabanafrau]

DD12 did that about 3 years ago, when she was around 9. She wouldn't tell us what she wanted because she was going to tell Santa. I thought that was late to still believe in Santa. I was about to sit her down and tell her 2 years ago but she finally admitted she had recently figured it out. The last few years I was not being obvious about it but not trying as hard to keep the story alive. Meaning, I started being less careful about the wrapping paper used on Santa's gifts let it be known that Santa and I have the same favorite cookies, etc. She said kids had started teasing her in about 3rd or 4th grade that she still believed.

I think it is time to have a discussion with your daughter about it. I love the idea a PP had about telling her Santa is more of an idea or feeling about the Christmas spirit than a real person. I do something similar with DD. My mother still puts from Santa on some of our Christmas presents even though I haven't believed for about 30 years now.

Mine are in college and graduated from college, Santa's plate of cookies still gets set out every year. There would be too much grumpiness on Christmas if he didn't get his plate -- a shot of whiskey or bourbon would be much more appreciated than milk, BTW. The Santa who specially wrapped and tagged all of those gifts was quite happy to surrender her duties with absolutely no complaints.

 

[Floridaman999]

I darn sure don't miss putting together all those toys and bikes and whatever else was bought in the few hours I had before they all would wake up Christmas morning. I needed a pit crew.
They stopped believing so I could actually go to bed on Christmas Eve.

 

[Turksmom]

Mine are in college and graduated from college, Santa's plate of cookies still gets set out every year. There would be too much grumpiness on Christmas if he didn't get his plate -- a shot of whiskey or bourbon would be much more appreciated than milk, BTW. The Santa who specially wrapped and tagged all of those gifts was quite happy to surrender her duties with absolutely no complaints.

Santa gets a bottle of beer at our house. We told the kids it's one of his last stops, so he can take it home and relax after work.

 

[cabanafrau]

Santa gets a bottle of beer at our house. We told the kids it's one of his last stops, so he can take it home and relax after work.

Ironically Mr. Santa at our house is a homebrewer and craft beer aficionado who receives a themed craft beer display under the tree Christmas morning.

 

[BLAZEY]

Santa gets a bottle of beer at our house. We told the kids it's one of his last stops, so he can take it home and relax after work.

We left beer too. Daddy's favourite kind to boot.My dad said Rudolph drove so Santa could have a beer.

 

[Wendy31]

You all are pretty much confirming what my gut tells me - its time to tell her. Convincing my husband of that is going to be the hard part. He doesn't want to ruin this for her.

I do still believe that, while she might have doubts, she still believes. She absolutely would not tell me what this secret gift was because she knew it was too expensive for us to get her but Santa would. I managed to get a look at her list. She wants a Mac but specifically a 2015 model. It would make my life easier if I could explain that you can't buy a new 2015 Mac in 2018

If you do decide to tell her, a good day to do might be December 6th - St. Nicholas Day.

As others have suggested, purchase a book that talks about the legend of St. Nicholas & read it together. Along w/ the other book that was mentioned above in another post, we have this book -

https://www.amazon.com/Legend-St-Ni...93&sr=8-1&keywords=the+legend+of+st.+nicholas

Then, talk to your DD & tell her that she absolutely doesn't have to stop believing. St. Nicholas was a real person, & he was so real & so kind that a wonderful legend was created. And, even today, hundreds of years later, the spirit of giving is still celebrated. The magic of Christmas is still there.

Seriously, just because someone stops believing in the Santa Claus that visits every single house all over the world in one night does NOT mean the person has to stop "believing".

Whenever a child asks me if I believe in Santa, I answer, "Of course, I do!"

Growing up, Santa Claus came to our house & left presents for me every single Christmas until I was married when I was 21 & living in my own home w/ DH. He still visited my younger sister until she left home as well, 4 years later. I was 20 years old, & my sister & I still left a plate of cookies & a glass of milk for Santa on Christmas Eve. And, on Christmas morning, we'd wake to find presents from Santa, an empty glass, & the cookies eaten.

However, I had stopped "officially" believing in Santa Claus when I was in 2nd grade when our teacher announced it to the class. (And, off-topic, but, oh my goodness, the parents were soooo upset w/ the teacher!)

Currently, our 2 older children know the "truth," but our 9 year old still believes. And I tell the 2 older kids, "When you stop believing, you get underwear for Christmas," so they still "believe" as well.

Even after our 9 year old figures things out, Santa Claus will still visit our house each Christmas. Tinsel, our Christmas Elf, will still come out to play. Cookies & milk will still be left for Santa, & carrots will still be left for his reindeer. Santa will still leave presents.

Growing up doesn't mean we stop believing. We don't lose the magic & fun of Christmas just because we grow up.

And, if you're religious, the story of St. Nicholas can become such a special part of the religious meaning & of the Christmas giving season.

 

[mombrontrent]

I’ll never forget the day my DS who had just recently turned six was asked by my friend what he was asking Santa for for Christmas. His reply was “Santa isn’t real, it’s just your parents”. I was shocked because I thought he was to young to know the truth (even though I also stopped believing at age 6). My older daughter also stopped believing around the same age.

So along comes out third child who still believed at age 10 and in sixth grade. For a year or two prior the rest of us were thinking she can’t actually still believe can she? How can she think he’s real? This was last year and I happened to open and read her school journal ( not a private diary, just a daily school journal). One entry went on about how she hadn’t actually believed in Santa for two years but pretended because she thought that her being the youngest child once she admitted to not believing the gifts and stockings from Santa would end. We confronted her about it in a joking way and we all laughed about it. She said stockings were her favourite part of Christmas morning and thought we’d stop giving them out if we knew she didn’t believe anymore. Kids have a funny way of rationalizing things sometimes and we don’t always know the reasons. That was last year and now she’s in 7th grade and 11 almost 12, we still do the stockings of course

 

[Imzadi]

She spends hours watching you tube vides involving technology (smart phones, ipads etc) and can explain how to fix things

She definitely does not. But, this is the only item she is asking of Santa (so far). At this time, there are only three things on her list: a book, a desk chair and the Mac she wants from Santa.

Is it possible that she is doubting her belief or actually does not believe and asking for an expensive MAC is her way of proving to herself or to you that she does not believe?

Yes, it could be that she is on the cusp of NOT believing and is testing it out. She is purposely asking for something that would literally take magic to make happen, (a new 2015 MAC in 2018,) AND she is purposely keeping it from you so that if Santa does still bring the gift, then he does exist. Some part of her understands logic & how things work. So she may get that getting a 2015 MAC in 2018 isn't logical. . . unless it happens by Santa's magic.

I do think it would be better for you to tell her than for her to learn of Santa by the cruelty of other school kids.

 

[tink1970]

I think you know your child best...and there's nothing wrong with wanting to believe in him so is it hurting her? If not, then at some point she'll put things together and know that Santa is the embodiment of culture, tradition, joy and the spirit of giving--not bad stuff!

That said, I'm in agreement with

I realize not all kids feel that way, I was just relaying my experience. I saw it as a lie then and, well, still see it as a lie today. Needless to say, I will not be telling my son Santa is real. Lol.

I get it and agree about not going with the Santa narrative. FTR, our Christmases have always been plenty of fun and our son doesn't seem damaged by never "believing" in Santa.

these guys and never told DD Santa was anything but a cultural myth that she could believe in or not as she wished. I didn't feel like lying to her was the way for me to go. So far, she doesn't seem too upset about it.

 

[dreamer17555]

I am of the opinion that if she asks you or your husband point blank to tell her but if not let it be. Magic is so fleeting. If she wants to know she will ask. Maybe she is just not ready yet.

I remember when my DD asked me and it was a conversation I had been dreading but all she did was take an hour to herself and then come out to give me the biggest hug ever and said she just realized all the work I must have done to give her the most magical Christmas mornings. She was so grateful and so excited to help be part of making that magic for her little brother.

Now her little brother is 11 and autistic and believes. I am not sure when that will end. Right now its so much fun and this year we are engineering a crazy attempt to have Santa bring him a brand new Star Wars bedroom. He will be visiting his dad from the 21st until Christmas Eve and he always wants to sleep in my room so hoping with the late night we can put him to bed in my room and have him wake up with a new bedroom. Delivery is going to be done on the 21st and my daughter is really excited to help decorate his new room for him. I'm hoping we can pull this off. Honestly holding onto the magic isn't the worst thing that can happen to a child.

 

[ronandannette]

I think you know your child best...and there's nothing wrong with wanting to believe in him so is it hurting her? If not, then at some point she'll put things together and know that Santa is the embodiment of culture, tradition, joy and the spirit of giving--not bad stuff!

That said, I'm in agreement with

these guys and never told DD Santa was anything but a cultural myth that she could believe in or not as she wished. I didn't feel like lying to her was the way for me to go. So far, she doesn't seem too upset about it.

I just want to clarify that I don't characterize parents who encourage their kids to believe in Santa to be "liars".

 

[Anastasi]

A allegedly neuro-typical child alleged child turning 14 in November in 7th grade and wanting a new 2015 Mac in 2018? I am beginning to think I need to believe in Santa to make sense of the OP's posts. Or the OP is not sharing that her daughter does indeed have special needs, which is her right, but would change the whole conversation.

I have a high functioning daughter with special needs. We have told her numerous times that Santa is not a real person living at the North Pole with Elves. Even though she processes that he is not real and will tell you what you want to hear that there is someone in the costume, we know she believes he is real in some way. She will make lists and letters, be disappointed if we don't put out milk and cookies, but when we question she will say "of course I know he is not real." I have given up trying to convince her. We now focus on understanding social norms and behavior surrounding her beliefs to protect her from ridicule.

OP, if your daughter does have some challenges, it might be easier to let her believe but teach her how to discuss her beliefs in a socially and age appropriate way.

 

[tink1970]

I just want to clarify that I don't characterize parents who encourage their kids to believe in Santa to be "liars".

Okay...guess my inherent bias was showing!

 

[ronandannette]

Okay...guess my inherent bias was showing!

All I'm saying is that we didn't do it - Christmas is primarily a religious observation for us. That said, don't think it's an outrage for parents to "do" Santa with their kids. My parents did with me and I never in a million years would consider that they were liars. I accept that some people feel that way but I don't really understand why.