Spin-off from Travel Ins. Thread: If a Loved One Died While You Were on Vacation...

[ronandannette]

Would you:
a) Want to be informed and;
b) Cut your trip short and return immediately?

I remember a thread I found pretty interesting on CruiseCritic awhile back where a surprisingly large number of posters said they would NOT want to have their vacation interrupted by the death of a loved one back home. Most of them said they felt like the dearly departed wouldn't "want" them to miss their trip. Lots of them even said they would go (or had gone) on a planned vacation while a loved one was in mortal peril and likely to pass away while they were gone.

Not trying to sound "judgy" here, but personally I can't fathom it. Nor would I ever want to believe a close family member of mine would chose not to be with me if I was dying or fail to support my DH & DS if I died unexpectedly. The idea of something a frivolous as a vacation taking precedence - I really just don't get it .

 

[EMom]

I don't handle funerals well, due to childhood funeral trauma. I attend as few as possible. I joke that I may miss my own. So the number of people whose funerals I might actually attend is pretty low, relatives included.

My family is very practical. We believe in showing affection and buying flowers while alive. I guarantee you if I've got $5,000-$10,000 invested in a trip, there is no way my family would expect me to cancel/cut short that trip to attend a funeral. They would think that was crazy talk and that the deceased would roll over in their grave, so to speak.

Years ago, DH and I had spent a week in France and were headed to England the next day for another week. I called my mother but got no answer when she should've been home. Same for my sister. So I called my brother and badgered him as to what was up. He crumbled and said our mother was in ICU with a heart attack and had made everyone promise to not tell me because she didn't want to ruin my vacation.

I finally reached my sister, who confirmed it. I said I could fly back home instead of to England and she said if I did that, our mother would be so upset she would have a second heart attack. That the best thing to do was to just continue on and let her recuperate. I said, "But what if she dies?" My sister said, "We are under strict instructions to keep our mouths shut and put her on ice until you get home and hold the funeral then."

THAT is how my family thinks. Either wait until a VERY close relative gets back from vacation to have the service or go ahead and have the service in their absence and hold no hard feelings. But we don't expect anyone to cancel a vacation and run home for a funeral.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My family is also very practical. If someone where critically ill, but there were also a good chance that I would have time to get there and spend some time (that they would be conscious of)--then yes, by all means let me know so I can try to do so.

If there is almost no chance I can make it (which, as we live in Germany and my parents live in Mexico--could honestly be the case even if I am home--it is a good 20 hour trip best case scenario), or the person is already gone--well, if the person left behind needs me there for emotional support, then yes, please let me know so that I can find a way to help.

But, if, as is likely with my family, they have other good support systems in place; yeah, I think I prefer not to find out until I get home--and in my practical family no one would fly half way around the world to be at a funeral where they were not really needed for emotional support.

We'd rather get together at other, happier times and for less cost than last minute flights; we do not see it as disrespectful to the person who has passed.

Even when my grandfather passed away 18 years ago and I lived in the US, but was pretty pregnant and not allowed to fly (could have driven though) my grandmother told me that she had plenty of support there and I should not travel (she also knew we were on a super tight budget back then) and she would much rather I visit at a happier time.

 

[ronandannette]

I find all these scenarios really interesting. I guess the thing that really matters is that everybody in any given family is on the same page. We recently lost our brother to cancer and had to spend a couple of weeks with him in hospice (24/7 as he was profoundly mentally-handicapped and could not have tolerated being alone in that environment). We all took turns supporting him and one another, with the exception of our oldest brother who booked a fairly short-notice trip to Vegas. We were all pretty flabbergasted and I'd be lying if I said we didn't feel like he bailed on us.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I would come back as soon as I could.

 

[Meriweather]

depends on who died............one of my kids or grand kids, I would stay....anyone else.....not.
Vacation would carry on.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh, I realized I have two actually stories along these lines:

When I was 12, my cousin was murdered (she was 16). I was at ecology camp with my class. My parents chose not to contact me at camp and I found out nearly a week after it happened, on the day of the the funeral--which none of us flew from our home in Colorado to Texas to attend. My aunt told us not to--she didn't want those to be our last memories of Michelle.

When my sister in law was 18 she was in Europe for a summer internship. Her (and DH's) cousin, whom they was very, very close to died in a swimming accident. The family made the choice not to tell her until weeks later when she arrived home, rather than cut her trip short and have her be alone coping with the loss in a foreign country and unable to get anythign out of that internship (which was a lot less common and more expensive back 1985)

 

[EMom]

When my mother was terminally ill with only a few months left, her sister told us she could manage a trip to see her during her final months or for the funeral, but not both. We told her to come visit while our mother was alive and could enjoy it.

 

[YoYoAurora]

We returned from vacation early when my nephew died of cancer. We'd been planning that trip for 18 months, just before he was diagnosed. He was doing OK when we left, so we were surprised when I got a call that he was in the hospital. And then he was gone.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Depends on who died.

 

[jdb in AZ]

DH's grandmother was about 106 and in an assisted living facility when three of her kids went on a European cruise. Grandmother was in fairly good shape (for the shape she was in) but at that age.... Anyway, the extended family members at home were instructed that if something happened while the "kids" were off cruising, we were to put grandmother on ice at the mortuary, and the funeral would be held when the "kids" returned. Fortunately grandmother behaved herself and lived two more years.

My dad cut things a bit closer -- he took a turn for the worse while DH and I were on vacation. We didn't get word til we returned home two days later, and he survived two days after that.

 

[Monykalyn]

I don't handle funerals well, due to childhood funeral trauma. I attend as few as possible. I joke that I may miss my own. So the number of people whose funerals I might actually attend is pretty low, relatives included.

My family is very practical. We believe in showing affection and buying flowers while alive. I guarantee you if I've got $5,000-$10,000 invested in a trip, there is no way my family would expect me to cancel/cut short that trip to attend a funeral. They would think that was crazy talk and that the deceased would roll over in their grave, so to speak.

Years ago, DH and I had spent a week in France and were headed to England the next day for another week. I called my mother but got no answer when she should've been home. Same for my sister. So I called my brother and badgered him as to what was up. He crumbled and said our mother was in ICU with a heart attack and had made everyone promise to not tell me because she didn't want to ruin my vacation.

I finally reached my sister, who confirmed it. I said I could fly back home instead of to England and she said if I did that, our mother would be so upset she would have a second heart attack. That the best thing to do was to just continue on and let her recuperate. I said, "But what if she dies?" My sister said, "We are under strict instructions to keep our mouths shut and put her on ice until you get home and hold the funeral then."

THAT is how my family thinks. Either wait until a VERY close relative gets back from vacation to have the service or go ahead and have the service in their absence and hold no hard feelings. But we don't expect anyone to cancel a vacation and run home for a funeral.

This practicality is my family.
My DH's on the other hand...well the passive aggressive remarks and "punishment" would last forever. Never mind that we have spent more time with his family in 6 months than mine in 6 years (mine is very easy going and we get together when we can and stay in touch other ways-no problem, no guilt, no pressure). Never mind that OUR plans have to come second to the FAMILY's plans many times (non illness/funeral related). Never mind we are always the ones coming from furthest away and may not be able to get back everytime there is a family event (shower, wedding,BBQ etc)-no way would anyone there ever dare interrupt THEIR lives... bitter-yep. Done with it -yep.
now
That said-it does depend on who died-parent is different than second cousin twice removed whom we didn't really know anyway...

Trying to celebrate LIFE with our loved ones is why I am researching cruises for our next vacation (here is looking at you: Christmas 2017). I'd love nothing better than "skipping Christmas" (basically exchanging money/gift cards at this point-even for the kids) and just get together the next couple Holidays without pressure and put that money towards cruise. My family is all for it-gotta convince the in-laws... Making progress too-mentioned the cruise last night and have at least DH past the eye rolling stage now

 

[pryncess527]

It depends on so many things . . . Age, relationship, what role you play in the estate . . .

I was on a school trip to Washington DC in high school when my grandmother died. My mother did not tell me until I got home. I've never been either happy or upset that she waited, it just kind of is.

 

[Monykalyn]

DH's grandmother was about 106 and in an assisted living facility when three of her kids went on a European cruise. Grandmother was in fairly good shape (for the shape she was in) but at that age.... Anyway, the extended family members at home were instructed that if something happened while the "kids" were off cruising, we were to put grandmother on ice at the mortuary, and the funeral would be held when the "kids" returned. Fortunately grandmother behaved herself and lived two more years.
.

Good gravy what a gene pool!
Both my "first" parents died when I was young so I think I am much more practical. My sister and I were very fortunate that our parents had arranged guardians that took us in that were also family. For all intents and purposes they are "mom" and "dad" now, but I would soooo be like your grandmother and NOT have anyone interrupt their planned vacations for my funeral. Dealing with loss young gave me a different perspective I guess. Bet your Grandmother was a hoot.

 

[ronandannette]

Depends on who died.

Alrighty then...we'll put you down as "Other"!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

This has happened twice in our family. Years back, numerous relatives were in Scotland on a huge family reunion. Someone back home died & those on the trip were notified. It pretty much ruined the trip for most of them & yet there was nothing they could do about it other than fret.

FF to 2010 & my parents' 50th anniversary and a trip we were all taking with them (10 of us in all). Just as we're leaving, my cousin calls to inform us my aunt (Mom's sister) has taken a turn for the worse & it's just a matter of days or hours. Per my aunt's request (just prior to her treatment), off we went. She passed 2 days later & we did not come home despite it being just a 4-hour drive. My mom's other sister was in Germany at the time on her dream trip. Per my mom's request, this aunt was not informed of her sister's passing until nearly 3 weeks later when she returned back to the states. We had the funeral without her (they delayed until we were home). 5 years later, we are all still 100% at peace with how it was handled.

 

[MIGrandma]

We delayed our cruise when my Dad passed away. The day of his funeral was the day we were supposed to fly to Florida. We went the next day after others had said we should still go and that they would look in on my Mom, spend time with her, etc. I detest funerals with a passion and never go to them unless absolutely necessary, and I knew my Mom needed me there. If he would have passed while we were gone we would have discontinued the trip and gone home. That's what trip insurance is for.

If my Mom or one of our children or grandchildren, or DH's Dad or sisters died while we were on vacation we would immediately come back if there was to be a regular funeral. It seems like many are choosing a memorial type service a month or two later now though, which I much prefer over a regular funeral.

We would not come back for aunts, uncles or cousins though.

 

[BillBrasky]

 

[ronandannette]

^^Double-LOL. We'll put you down as "Would not want to be notified of a crisis..."

 

[wenrob]

As mentioned up thread it depends on who it is. I chose "cancel trip" and "interrupt trip" but those would be for people very close to me, my Dad, Grandma, sister, brother or one of my sibs spouses/kids. A cousin (I have cousins coming out of my ears, so many I don't know a lot of them except by name) or someone I haven't seen in years not so much.

My dad is chronically ill and ends up in the ICU at least once a year. I have learned not to live my life around "what if something happens" but at the same time if he is very critical then yes, I need to be there. A few years ago, a couple of days before a planned trip he was in a very bad way but insisted we go. I just couldn't, he's my dad. I ended up canceling and while my kids were disappointed we did a staycation and were Vegas tourists for a week. My kids still talk about that "vacation." I think if he ended up in a bad way while I was on vacation he and my step-mom would not want to call me but my sister absolutely would and I would drop everything to come home.

On the flip side my step-grandma took a turn and passed just a couple days before our vacation. We were never close, my Dad's kids were beneath her. She never thought of herself as my grandma and I never thought of her that way. At the same time I wanted to be there for step-mom. Problem was this was DD's 16th birthday present and she really didn't know step-gram at all. I called step-bro, he felt given the circumstances I should go as he'd be there for his mom and the service wasn't even a service. When I called and spoke to step-mom she told me to go, she knew we weren't close, so we did. My step-mom can hold a grudge like nobody's business and she has never held it against me.