So tired of the drama - vent (long)

[Maridw]

Here is a preface:
My DD is a single mother, the father of my GDD (Josh) denied he is the father and wanted nothing to do with her or DD even after GDD was born. Josh is friends with the husband of one of my DD's friends - Nina.

So fast forward, the dance school that I go to (owned by my best friend) recently changed locations. Had a lot of work to do at the new building before classes could start. I guess Josh has been helping out at the dance school with the friends of my DD. The friend's daughter goes to the dance school. So they have all been there to help at the dance school and Josh has been helping too. For a while Josh was not allowed to come over to their house and it has only been recently that he has started going over there.

DD is in a relationship with another young man and they are living together. So Wednesday, DD & I are running errands and she tells me about a visit from Nina the day before. Nina tells her that Josh is planning on going for custody of my GDD. I guess others at the dance school are going to back him up and stand with him (who they barely know) in court against my DD (who they have known for years). I call my best friend and ask her what is going on. She tells me that we have nothing to worry about. She has had a talk with Josh and he only wants to get to know my GDD - his DD. He knows he is not in a position to take care of her himself.

I get to the dance school last night and my best friend has discussed our conversation with Nina. So now she is mad at my DD because supposedly their conversation was "turned around". She said that she never said Josh was going to go for custody of my GDD. My DD was very upset about the converstation she had. I don't trust this woman because of other things that have happened, so I know what she is telling me is false. Others have heard some of the conversation with Josh and so I am getting some verification to the original story from my DD.

I am just so tired of trusting people with a confidence and then having that confidence betrayed. I can't say that this is the first time my best friend has done this to me, so I just limit what I tell her. I guess I didn't think that she would talk to the person who had passed the info on to my DD.

My best friend did say that I should sit down and have a one on one conversation with Josh, which I will do. Another friend said that he is not the same person she originally met.

I put a note on FB that said I am tired of the drama and from now on I am going to discuss my problems with the only friends I can trust - my DIS friends. This way I don't have to worry about someone discussing my business with the wrong person.

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

This Josh person should step up and take responsibility for his actions. If he doesn't want joint custody, he should at the very least provide for his daughter's wellbeing.

I don't see how any of this is the business of the people at the dance studio you go to, though.

 

[focusondisney]

Here is a preface:
My DD is a single mother, the father of my GDD (Josh) denied he is the father and wanted nothing to do with her or DD even after GDD was born. Josh is friends with the husband of one of my DD's friends - Nina.

So fast forward, the dance school that I go to (owned by my best friend) recently changed locations. Had a lot of work to do at the new building before classes could start. I guess Josh has been helping out at the dance school with the friends of my DD. The friend's daughter goes to the dance school. So they have all been there to help at the dance school and Josh has been helping too. For a while Josh was not allowed to come over to their house and it has only been recently that he has started going over there.

DD is in a relationship with another young man and they are living together. So Wednesday, DD & I are running errands and she tells me about a visit from Nina the day before. Nina tells her that Josh is planning on going for custody of my GDD. I guess others at the dance school are going to back him up and stand with him (who they barely know) in court against my DD (who they have known for years). I call my best friend and ask her what is going on. She tells me that we have nothing to worry about. She has had a talk with Josh and he only wants to get to know my GDD - his DD. He knows he is not in a position to take care of her himself.

I get to the dance school last night and my best friend has discussed our conversation with Nina. So now she is mad at my DD because supposedly their conversation was "turned around". She said that she never said Josh was going to go for custody of my GDD. My DD was very upset about the converstation she had. I don't trust this woman because of other things that have happened, so I know what she is telling me is false. Others have heard some of the conversation with Josh and so I am getting some verification to the original story from my DD.

I am just so tired of trusting people with a confidence and then having that confidence betrayed. I can't say that this is the first time my best friend has done this to me, so I just limit what I tell her. I guess I didn't think that she would talk to the person who had passed the info on to my DD.

My best friend did say that I should sit down and have a one on one conversation with Josh, which I will do. Another friend said that he is not the same person she originally met.

I put a note on FB that said I am tired of the drama and from now on I am going to discuss my problems with the only friends I can trust - my DIS friends. This way I don't have to worry about someone discussing my business with the wrong person.

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent.

Sounds like your DD needs to talk with her daughter's father & straighten this out. Really noone else's business.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

First of all to you an your DD. The only thing I can say is I would loose the best friend. She has proven not to be very trustworthy. I'm sorry that you guys are going through this but I wouldn't worry to much about the actual case.When a lawyer tells him how much back child support he's gonna owe he may run the other way. You said he hasn't shown any intrest in your grand daughter so just hope for the best but I'd have your daughter talk to an attorney just in case.

 

[Maridw]

I know it is no one else's business. DD sent Josh a text saying that she was out of minutes on her phone, but he could text her if he wanted. (She is on our plan and she used all her minutes while we were in CA over Christmas).

One reason the people at the dance school are getting their nose in all this is because most of them are like family. DD was going there for years until she stopped dancing, but still helped out for a long time.

DD had tried to get Josh to step up, but for months he denied GDD was even his. It has only been since the first of the year (as far as I know) that he has even decided to take an interest in GDD.

Everyone feels that they know what's going on, but no one really knows. Each group is only getting one half of the story. That is why I am finally just keeping my mouth shut and not talking to anyone. I am going to let DD sort it out with Josh and will tell others to just mind their own business and let them handle it themselves. If DD's new boyfriend tries to undermine the situation, then I will help DD handle that one if necessary.

 

[Hannathy]

First as someone else said this is really only between your DD and this Josh. Second is your DD sure he is the father and has it been proven? Is he on the BC? Until he can do anything he will have to prove he is the father and then as another poster said he will have to start child support payments.

Why hasn't your DD gone after him for support? That is the first thing she should do. If he is telling people he is the father she needs to see a lawyer and go after him. I don't believe in letting men or women get away with not supporting the children they brought into the world. Why should she pay everything. This is probably great for her because it sounds like he is admitting she is his so go get him.
I don't understand why she isn't going after him if she knows all this. Grandma put your efforts into getting support for your DGD and get out of the gossip chain.

 

[Maridw]

She did go to Child Support Enforcement to see about getting it, but they could not "Find" him. Plus for quite a while he was working under the table. I guess he has gotten a new job recently and is really proud of this job. He is trying to get his life straightened out.

When you look at GDD and then look at Josh, it is obvious that she is his and everyone says it. Looking at DD and her baby pictures and then looking at GDD and her pictures and you can see a little of DD in GDD, but not a lot. I haven't seen baby pictures of Josh, so I am not sure.

 

[rie'smom]

She did go to Child Support Enforcement to see about getting it, but they could not "Find" him. Plus for quite a while he was working under the table. I guess he has gotten a new job recently and is really proud of this job. He is trying to get his life straightened out.

When you look at GDD and then look at Josh, it is obvious that she is his and everyone says it. Looking at DD and her baby pictures and then looking at GDD and her pictures and you can see a little of DD in GDD, but not a lot. I haven't seen baby pictures of Josh, so I am not sure.

My mom saw a little girl at her friend's house and asked me if I had a daughter she didn't know about because she looked exactly the same as I did at that age. Umm, no I didn't but it just goes to show you that even though 2 people look alike-identical enough to fool a mom- they may not even be related.
Get a blood test to prove paternity.

 

[bumbershoot]

My mom saw a little girl at her friend's house and asked me if I had a daughter she didn't know about because she looked exactly the same as I did at that age. Umm, no I didn't but it just goes to show you that even though 2 people look alike-identical enough to fool a mom- they may not even be related.
Get a blood test to prove paternity.

Agreed.

I look far more like the child of my dad's brother and mom's sister (which would be very weird), than I do my dad and mom. My brother looked EXACTLY like my mom until he became an adult, when he suddenly looked frighteningly like my dad (in profile mainly).

Going by how kids look is pointless IMO. Gotta get the actual tests done, to prove this stuff.

 

[Hannathy]

Did she name him on the birth certificate? if not why not? Sorry but it sounds like she isn't sure. and you don't sound sure.

I know you were venting but it makes me really mad when girls don't make the guys own up to their responsibility. Do all these so called friends no he is a deadbeat Dad? so has she gone back now that she knows where he is working?
I think I'd pay for the extra minutes to call and tell him to start supporting his Daughter.

 

[Inigo]

Did she name him on the birth certificate? if not why not? Sorry but it sounds like she isn't sure. and you don't sound sure.

I know you were venting but it makes me really mad when girls don't make the guys own up to their responsibility. Do all these so called friends no he is a deadbeat Dad? so has she gone back now that she knows where he is working?
I think I'd pay for the extra minutes to call and tell him to start supporting his Daughter.

Wait a second. If Josh has never been legally ordered to pay child support, he is not a deadbeat father. Since he and the child's mother were not married when this child was born, he has no obligation to pay until a child support order is entered. Further, unless he signed the acknowledgment of paternity or a court has named him the legal father, he is not the child's father. Until visitation is established, he has no visitation rights except those the legal parent of the child gives him.

He can, or the child's mom can, file to establish paternity, set up child support, and put a visitation schedule in place. Since he has not been the legal father up to this point, the odds of him getting physical custody are low. He will get visitation of some sort, and probably joint legal custody, but the status quo is that mom has primary physical custody. Mom can always request visitation start as supervised to give the child and Josh time to get acquainted.

Mom needs to realize she choose this guy to be the father of her child. She wanted to have a child with him, or was at least willing to have a child with him, since she had sex with him. She thought he was fine and dandy as father material, so if paternity is established and visitation put into place, she needs to do what needs to be done to facilitate the relationship between her and the child's father.

I tell my clients all the time, if you aren't willing to have a child with that person, and be connected with them for the rest of your life, you shouldn't be willing to have sex with that person. By choosing to have sex with a person, you are saying you think that person would be a great parent for your (possible) child.

And I want to add I think Josh, or any unmarried male, would be an idiot to not insist upon a DNA test before accepting paternity of a child. There is proof the mother is the mother, since the child is seen exiting her body. For the male, there is no proof short of a DNA test.

 

[dakcp2001]

No DNA test? Why not? Pretty simple way to prove paternity. Then he should pay chold support for his daughter. Its not her fault the parents cant get it together.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP as much as you love your grandbabies and your dd you need to stay out of their business and stop gossiping their situation to people. Nothing good comes from it.

 

[disneyjunkie]

How did Josh earn the label deadbeat? Since a DNA test hasn't been done, there's no proof that Josh is the father. Why should he support a child that may not be his?

 

[golfgal]

I would HOPE that your DD knows for sure that he is the Dad but I would also get a DNA test before this goes ANY further. Once paternity is fully established they need to go to court and get all of this taken care of LEGALLY for your granddaughter's sake. It's great that he wants to turn his life around and get to know his daughter and I would support that if it was the right thing to do.

 

[mskani]

Wait a second. If Josh has never been legally ordered to pay child support, he is not a deadbeat father. Since he and the child's mother were not married when this child was born, he has no obligation to pay until a child support order is entered. Further, unless he signed the acknowledgment of paternity or a court has named him the legal father, he is not the child's father. Until visitation is established, he has no visitation rights except those the legal parent of the child gives him.

He can, or the child's mom can, file to establish paternity, set up child support, and put a visitation schedule in place. Since he has not been the legal father up to this point, the odds of him getting physical custody are low. He will get visitation of some sort, and probably joint legal custody, but the status quo is that mom has primary physical custody. Mom can always request visitation start as supervised to give the child and Josh time to get acquainted.

Mom needs to realize she choose this guy to be the father of her child. She wanted to have a child with him, or was at least willing to have a child with him, since she had sex with him. She thought he was fine and dandy as father material, so if paternity is established and visitation put into place, she needs to do what needs to be done to facilitate the relationship between her and the child's father.

I tell my clients all the time, if you aren't willing to have a child with that person, and be connected with them for the rest of your life, you shouldn't be willing to have sex with that person. By choosing to have sex with a person, you are saying you think that person would be a great parent for your (possible) child.

And I want to add I think Josh, or any unmarried male, would be an idiot to not insist upon a DNA test before accepting paternity of a child. There is proof the mother is the mother, since the child is seen exiting her body. For the male, there is no proof short of a DNA test.

I agree 100% with everything that you posted!! I always tell my clients that if the alleged father asks for a DNA test, do it!! I've been told that the tests can be done in the hospital shortly after the birth That way, the truth is out at the beginning and he can never have this lingering feeling that maybe it's not my baby. I have seen this happen too many times to count. Heck look at Maury Povich; he's made a career out of paternity establishment.

 

[Hannathy]

I used the term deadbeat. I'm sorry but if you know or think that you produced a child with someone (and he obviously thinks so) and you have done NOTHING to own up to it or disprove it then in my book you are a deadbeat. How does he think the kid HE made is eating? off of you and I probably. He is walking around talking about getting custody so he obviously had sex with the Mother and thinks it is his.

A responsible person would not have to wait for a legal order to do the right thing!!!
Hence to me he is a deadbeat.

 

[sparklynails23]

If your daughter is a good, responsible mother and the people around her (your family) are stable and create a safe, nurturing environment, and the new boyfriend is wholesome, your daughter has zero chance of losing custody of her daughter to a guy who has never been in the baby's life. Don't give him any ammunition for court. Don't share your personal troubles or those of your daughter with anyone outside the family.

 

[cheshireqt]

It sounds like Josh wants to be part of his DDs life and is going about it all wrong. He also has clearly not thought it out, b/c the reality is that he will not get custody but get slapped with paternity payments once he proves he is the father. Although, he would now be entitled to a relationship with his DD, which may be what he is after to begin with. I personally would not offer up any more information to anyone, including a gossipy "best friend." You may have a legal situation looming and the less anyone knows of where DD stands, or what she will do, the better.

 

[tlbwriter]

Wait a second. If Josh has never been legally ordered to pay child support, he is not a deadbeat father.

Not legally. But if he believes this child is his, and is making no effort to support her, then he certainly meets my definition of a deadbeat father.