Should I tell the parents?

[The Mystery Machine]

My point was more about the value of the item taken.

I don't think that pocketing a rubber band bracelet that's lying on a table is the same as going into someone's purse and taking money. And I don't think that the former automatically leads to the latter. Was the kid a little snot for taking the bracelet? Absolutely. Did he lie about it to cover his behind? It would appear so. Is he automatically headed for a life of crime? I doubt it. He wanted to see if he could get away with it. He didn't. Now he knows.

And I was trying to convey that is IF you are someone who really is lax about your personal items because you may be too trusting, take notice. That is all.

Not really making a point about the kid although this is something that should raise your head up a bit and look around about it for sure. In short, don't be stupid.

 

[kimmyann]

You’re welcome. But, really? It took a random poster on a message board to help you reflect and look back on the last trip you had with your father? I feel so sad for you.

I would never need a stranger to help me remember good times with my deceased loved ones. Those last trips and moments are looked upon fondly on a daily basis.

But, I am so happy to help you remember your daddy and the good times that you had with him. That warms my heart

Wow. I think this may be one of the lowest blows I've ever seen on these boards. It's not my argument, but this was really disgusting & totally

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

This is a weird thread.

 

[mumto3girls]

If your child stole from my home, it would be my call. I would just figure you didn't properly teach your child not to steal and needed help parenting

And this is why I really like to know the parents well before I send my kids to someone's house. An 8 year old is still learning how to behave and any "threatening" that takes place should be done by the parents, not the neighbor.

 

[bethy]

I haven't had this issue come up yet in my parenting experiences and I'm not sure whether to tell the parents or let it go. DS8 has a pretty good friend who also happens to be our next door neighbor; they are always back and forth at each other's houses playing in their spare time.

Recently, DS8 and I spent a while working on one of those rubber band bracelets using the popular loom that's out right now. It was a complex version, and once DS8 got all the bands on I stepped in to help with the weaving part, which required me to follow a youtube video and keep backing it up many times to get each step. Just mentioning these details because this bracelet wasn't just one of the basic single loop bracelets you can make in under 5 minutes.

After DS8 started wearing it he mentioned that when his friend saw it he said, "Cool! Can you make me one?" and DS8 asked if we could make one for him. I was debating since it used a bunch of the bands but I was leaning toward doing it. Fast forward about a week, which was 2 days ago. The friend was over here playing then went home. The next day when getting off the school bus I could tell DS8 was bothered by something since he wasn't bouncing off the walls in happiness to be home like he usually does. He plopped on the couch and put his face in the pillow. I asked what was wrong and he said that his friend was wearing his bracelet at school today and he wouldn't give it back.

I asked how he knew it was his (although I knew it was probably very easy to identify because of the complex pattern and the fact that DS8 used very unusual colors in random places). He said because he had the bracelet by the TV the day before (when they were playing) and now it's not there and he just knows it's the bracelet by looking at it. I asked if he said anything to him and he said he mentioned to him 3 different times that it looks just like his bracelet and asked if it was his and all 3 times his friend completely ignored him.

I told him he should go right over and confront him again about it (I figured since he was on home turf that he'd be more likely to hand it back over since his parents were nearby). I told him that if he said it was his that maybe he should at that point go mention it to his mom that the bracelet he has looks just like the one he and I made and ask if she knows where he got it. Well, less than 5 minutes later he ran back home with a big smile on his face and held up the bracelet. I asked what happened and he said he told his friend that he checked at home again and his bracelet wasn't there and without a word at all his friend tossed it back to him, then he came home.

So, the bottom line issue was resolved but what I'm conflicted about is whether i should bring the situation up to his mom anyway just so she is aware of what happened. I don't want to seem like a tattletale or seem like I'm wanting her to punish him... I just thought that it might be something she'd want to know. I usually get uncomfortable in confrontational situations (even in minor ones like this) so what would probably come natural for most people is harder for me to accomplish. I just know I would probably sound nervous when talking even though my goal would be to just casually bring it up in a normal conversation tone and I don't know if that would make her feel like I was being snarky in any way, which would completely not be my intention.

So do you think it is worth mentioning or just let the whole thing go? I was just thinking of the future that should a similar thing happen again and if we bring up that it already happened way back when it they would either say why didn't you tell me or might be prone to not believe that it happened. It was just very disappointing to know that he stole it, especially since we were thinking of making him one anyway.

Any advice appreciated!

ETA: Forgot to mention... I also didn't know if instead of saying something to the parents if it would be bad to say something directly to the friend the next time he's over. Nothing accusatory or disciplinary since that isn't my place, but something through casual conversation,more along the lines of letting him know it was a very special bracelet we worked hard on and that it took a lot of time to complete. Sort of as a way to help him realize on his own why it wasn't a nice thing to do (and at the same time making him aware that I know what happened). Then maybe offer to have DS show him how to make a bracelet with the loom and let him have one.

I haven't read any replies and I don't want to come down like a frying pan but NO WAY would I bring this up to the other parents. Yikes. Most especially because the matter was completely resolved between the boys which is AWESOME.

I thought you were going to post about something truly dangerous and whether to tell the parents. If your son decides at some point he doesn't like how this friend treats him he can work on setting boundaries and nurture other friendships and keep a healthy distance in the future. Natural consequences for the other boy.

 

[bethy]

I'd be ok with you being livid. I would not think very highly of any parent who would raise a thief and then get angry at a person who laid out "the law" to him. You or your son would no longer be welcome in my home if mommy got mad that another adult taught a child who steals what happens. No loss. I would dismiss you from my mind and social circle no problem.

If your son was not a thief, maybe another adult would not have to "threaten him" with the natural consequences (law enforcement) of stealing.

They are just words. "I will call the police." That's it. If an 8 year old can't handle those words, perhaps they should not take things that aren't theirs

Ummm don't worry, with that kind of worldview and what I would consider to be questionable parental judgment, my child would never be allowed to go over to your house in the first place. I'm pretty certain most in my social circle would feel the same way. I have been parenting for a long time.

 

[OceanAnnie]

That is a tough one.

The next door friend has shown his true colors, he is a thief.

Make sure your wallets, purses, expensive electronic items are not in plain view for him to sneak into and rip you off.

I am just saying be cautious.

Now that he was caught, he might try a "revenge rip off".

He might not however don't create temptation. Also this might just be the first time he was caught stealing from your house so keep that in mind.

And yes we have had kids rip us off. One girl we had to ban from the house because she ripped off my kids twice that we know of.

A couple of yrs ago when my youngest was in middle school a sister of her friend ripped off her cell phone.

So we went over there and "looked for it". Stated we were not going to leave until we found it.

Magically the sister "found it" in between the seats in our car. (Yea we checked that before we even went over there.) We knew one of them stole it. We just put "on a good show" on purpose and it worked.

I would hold off on telling the parents for now.

I agree with all of the above.

If it were me, I'd encourage my child to avoid this kid for awhile. Hello. Apology? With friends like that...

At the very least, I would be verry careful with inviting the boy over again. In fact, I might give him my best, "Christmas Story" school teacher look with the goal of getting an apology.

I would not offer to make him one until the boy absolutely set it right. That would be rewarding bad behavior in my book.

The boy was pretty flippant when throwing the bracelet back. Not cool. Good indication it could happen again, IMO.

 

[TuTu4U]

Ummm don't worry, with that kind of worldview and what I would consider to be questionable parental judgment, my child would never be allowed to go over to your house in the first place. I'm pretty certain most in my social circle would feel the same way. I have been parenting for a long time.

Pfftip I'd still be in your circle You'd never know what went on.

Your thief child would be scared by the threat (hopefully) and go home with his tail between his legs without a word to his mom because he would be scared he would get in trouble again. As it should be. Kids should get in trouble from stealing. They should be made to feel terrified when caught being a thief.

He would hopefully never steal again after that and the problem would be solved with no social circle shunnings

 

[SeaShelley]

Pfftip I'd still be in your circle You'd never know what went on.

Your thief child would be scared by the threat (hopefully) and go home with his tail between his legs without a word to his mom because he would be scared he would get in trouble again. As it should be. Kids should get in trouble from stealing. They should be made to feel terrified when caught being a thief.

He would hopefully never steal again after that and the problem would be solved with no social circle shunnings

I'm pretty sure that Bethy didn't consider you in her "circle" to begin with.....

 

[Amelia Peabody]

When I was in 5th grade and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I had a bracelet, a trinket from the World's Fair ( hey! Stop doing the math! ). I loaned it to my best friend, as kids do, to wear outside to recess. I stayed inside that day. When she came back she said she "lost" it. I was heartbroken. My mom said, well it's gone now, I'm sorry. Eventually, I phoned the adult sister of the friend and told her the story (parents not available at her house). She called back and said she even looked in the kids jewelry box and it wasn't there.

So many moons later, that bracelet appeared in MY jewelry box. Miles away from the school playground. I doubt it was a "homing bracelet". At some point, it had been given back.

Yup - we were still friends all that time. Pretty sure that mom did not interfere. I can only speculate what went on at the friends house.

My point being - things happen and we learn from them. So very proud of your son for handling things! I would not talk to the other mom. Maybe a MOM look and a snort at the kid next time he is over.

Oh yeah, when I was even younger I took a pair of earrings from a dollar store. Haunts me to this day. My guilty conscience punished me. Here's hoping the friend had the same thoughts but is too "manly" to show how he really felt. If your son is okay with the cavalier attitude, then you should accept it as well. THIS time.

And I am absolutely appalled at the mean and hateful remarks made on this thread. Totally uncalled for and I hope I get to post this before it gets locked.

 

[laurajetter]

When I was in 5th grade and dinosaurs roamed the earth, I had a bracelet, a trinket from the World's Fair ( hey! Stop doing the math! ). I loaned it to my best friend, as kids do, to wear outside to recess. I stayed inside that day. When she came back she said she "lost" it. I was heartbroken. My mom said, well it's gone now, I'm sorry. Eventually, I phoned the adult sister of the friend and told her the story (parents not available at her house). She called back and said she even looked in the kids jewelry box and it wasn't there.

So many moons later, that bracelet appeared in MY jewelry box. Miles away from the school playground. I doubt it was a "homing bracelet". At some point, it had been given back.

Yup - we were still friends all that time. Pretty sure that mom did not interfere. I can only speculate what went on at the friends house.

My point being - things happen and we learn from them. So very proud of your son for handling things! I would not talk to the other mom. Maybe a MOM look and a snort at the kid next time he is over.

Oh yeah, when I was even younger I took a pair of earrings from a dollar store. Haunts me to this day. My guilty conscience punished me. Here's hoping the friend had the same thoughts but is too "manly" to show how he really felt. If your son is okay with the cavalier attitude, then you should accept it as well. THIS time.

And I am absolutely appalled at the mean and hateful remarks made on this thread. Totally uncalled for and I hope I get to post this before it gets locked.

Thanks for your thoughts... and I can't believe the other remarks either. I kind of feel bad that they got started because of me posting this thread.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I don't know what I would do personally, OP.

I will say that I don't have a problem with another parent speaking harshly to my child if it is deserved and especially over an incident that happened in their household.

My best friend's parents had NO qualms about disciplining me (verbally) when they thought I deserved it. They didn't threaten or anything like that, they just spoke to me very sternly until it scared me straight.

And, I never turned around and tattled to my parents about it. And, if I had, they probably would have called them and thanked them, anyway.

Long story short, I think you CAN speak a little firmly to the child without being over the top about it. Maybe even something like, "You know, little Billy, Jake and I were going to make you a cool new bracelet too, but I don't know how I feel about doing that for someone who takes something without asking." Just enough to let him know you know, you're disappointed, and you have your eyes on him.

 

[SeaShelley]

Thanks for your thoughts... and I can't believe the other remarks either. I kind of feel bad that they got started because of me posting this thread.

Please don't feel bad. You started a good discussion.

I know I participated in some of the bad remarks and seemed to add fuel to someone's fire. I'm sorry for that.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, unless I was fairly close to the parents, I would not say anything. I think at this point, the boys handled it in a way your son seems satisfied with. However, I would be keeping an eye on things. The friend may have done it and felt bad and returned it when he was confronted again. But, its kind of crazy he was wearing it and happily showing it around that day.

I never minded if a parent had to have a conversation with one of my children in an adult like way. I didn't have to know about it. My children need to learn where other people's boundaries are and they need to learn their own. But, I can assure my children would have told me if they were threatened. And I can also assure you that there would be confrontation on my part with the adult.

Kelly

 

[Nola Girl]

Please don't feel bad. You started a good discussion. I know I participated in some of the bad remarks and seemed to add fuel to someone's fire. I'm sorry for that.

People feel very strongly about parenting issues. I went to a workshop once and the speaker said "EVERYONE is an expert, but only about their OWN child." Those words have stuck with me through 15 years in the classroom and 23 years of parenting. We are ALL correct about our own kids.

 

[disneycrazi]

My way of doing would be as follows...next time friend is over say to them both...."wow, guys I'm so glad (sons name) found that bracelet, it would have been really sad if he didn't, don't YOU think so (insert friends name) while giving very large smile to the friend......I would think at 8 he could def read between the lines

 

[goofinoff]

I'm trying to think of maybe how the other mother would feel if this was kept from her. I think as a mother I would want to know. OP you haven't mentioned your relationship with the boy's parents (or if you did I missed it). Are you good enough friends with them that you could just give them a "Hey heads up" kind of thing. Maybe not make a huge deal out of it. But I would definitely stress that HER son did the right thing. Maybe make light of it. I don't know. After reading through this I just started thinking about the other parent and how he/she would feel.

 

[DonaldnDaisy5]

I would say something. My dd is 8 and has a "classroom thief" in her class. All the kids know who steals. And I would hope had it been addressed when it started maybe it wouldn't have continued to this point...

Friday my dd had wore her silver pearl from Disney on a necklace to school. For whatever reason she decided to take it off before recess and during recess the teacher left the room while several students were in the room.

My dd came back inside and the cage for the pearl was on the floor, the pearl and necklace were gone. She told the teacher and we emailed him but unless this girl suddenly reforms herself my dd learned a lesson that will be hard to replace since it was the stupid silver pearl she picked on that trip....

 

[AmazingGrace]

Years ago, my dd was the thief. Her teacher had a treasure box in the classroom and she was of the age that she and her friends would trade little trinkets. So when she would come home with a little trinket once a week or so, I had no problem believing it was the treasure box.

Turned out, she had quite the sticky fingers and was caught red handed one day. She came home and tried to talk her way out of it but ended up punished and learned a lesson she never forgot.

I'm so glad her teacher told me, so that I could deal with it. It might have been a really bad phase she was going through or the beginning of something really bad. Either way, as a parent, I'm glad I was told so that I could deal with it right then.

I definitely think it would be worth discussing with the parent. Tell her what happened and how it was resolved. It's up to the parent how they take it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't think it's unusual for kids this age to lie, cheat, or steal. I want my kids to avoid doing these things, not because they are afraid to get in trouble, but because they feel very guilty when they do these things. I think kids who go on to get into trouble later on, are those who don't seem to have a conscience.

I still remember being around 5 or so, and being at a friend's house, and accidentely breaking a toy. I went home, and by bedtime, I was a wreck, sobbing. My mom asked me why, I told her the whole story, and she took me over to the house the next day, so I could tell them what I did. I felt so much better!

In this case, I think it all worked out. The friend gave it back - he didn't have to, and in giving it back like that was an admittance of guilt. My kids' friends' have done some things here that probably wouldn't thrill their parents, but I'm not telling, expecially when it's age-appropriate naughtiness.

And OT, some PP's should take their meds...