Should I stop my twins bday party?

[kirstenb1]

If your twins have been in preschool or daycare, etc. they probably have several 5 yr old friends. You could do that party and consider it done. I always felt like I had to do a family party, and a kids party. The kids party was always something like Chuck E cheese----had a hard time envisioning my in laws or parents enjoying that, lol!!! So we always had the family party where the grandparents could just relax. That said, I agree with everyone else, choose a date, and move forward.

 

[sk!mom]

Family parties go right through to adulthood in our family.

How should I deal with SIL? Any scenario I map out in my head ends in her being angry, complaining to my mil and dh who in turn let me know what the complaints are. Can't see any of it ending well.

Stop engaging with her and joining the drama. Issue the invitations, if she makes any negative comment simply say, "I hope you are able to make it." If she says that she won't come, "We'll miss you." Repeat these sincerely as often as needed.

Complaining to inlaws- who cares. As for your DH, if he doesn't back you up then that would be a serious problem to me with my husband not my SIL. .

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, everyone here is right.
Do not let your SIL and your MIL hold your children, and the fact that THEIR birthday is special, hostage.

Seriously.

Ignore them....
DO NOT ENGAGE....

Your comments about 'the fallout from MIL', and the fact that your husband very passive-aggressively sits back, and gives them things THEIR way, speaks volumes.

This would not even be a topic of conversation with me.
It would not be enabled.
I would make my plans, issue the invites WAY in advance... and however it works out from there is just the way it is.
I would celebrate ON their birthday with any family who chooses to care about your children and celebrate their birthday.
And, as the kids are older, their birthday would not really be so much about your husbands family, and only them... and it would be all about YOUR KIDS AND THEIR FRIENDS AND WHAT THEY WANT.

I feel for you.
I really do.
BTDT with the whole 'everything always HAS to be all about and please my husbands mom and or dad.

Am even dealing with this right now with my son's best friend, who, as an almost grown teenager, usually can't make or commit to plans with my son, 'because grandma this... grandma that..."
Very sad.

At this point, your children are involved.
If your husband doesn't want to stand with you and support you and his own children when it comes to their birthday. Well, as has been said here on the DIS, it isn't usually an inlaw problem, it is a marriage problem.

I have to wonder as I am sitting here writing... if birthdays, and probably other occasions, are all about 'FAMILY' celebrations with HIS family. How do you celebrate your own birthday with your husband.. How about your anniversary... How about holidays.... I do think I know the answer to this one.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Stop engaging with her and joining the drama. .... As for your DH, if he doesn't back you up then that would be a serious problem to me with my husband not my SIL. .

Yes.... this just completely nails it.

The fact that you would consider failing to celebrate your children's birthday because of your SIL (and MIL) unacceptable behavior and bullying.
That thought would never ever begin to cross my mind.

 

[sk!mom]

If your husband is ignoring his sister and mother's dramatics, you should too. Have the party when you want and tune out all the nonsense.

Perfect!

 

[Princess Mulan]

In the words of the great Elsa: Let it go.

 

[fairestoneofall]

don't punish your children for your SIL's and MIL's actions. it isn't their fault and they shouldn't be penalized because you won't stand up to your DH's family.

i'm with everyone else--plan it when YOU want it. you should really have "first dibs" for your children's birthday weekend (i realize, that sounds funny, but it's true). does she do this every year? if so, it's because you let her. do it your way and just be done with it. and if there is fall-out, then maybe everyone else will be more agreeable next year.

my son and niece have birthdays four days apart. we usually have my DS' birthday party one weekend and my niece's the next. thank goodness, we don't have to be passive aggressive about all of it.

 

[disykat]

Reality is, some family members are difficult. That doesn't mean your children don't want them in their lives. Ignoring a crazy aunt doesn't mean she ceases to exist, cousins may still wish for a relationship. I still think it's worth trying to hash out.

OP never said she wouldn't celebrate her children's birthday, she said she is considering not having a party with extended family. Good grief! All of you who are advising her to go ahead and plan without the family are telling her to do the same thing she is already planning to do.

 

[quandrea]

Reality is, some family members are difficult. That doesn't mean your children don't want them in their lives. Ignoring a crazy aunt doesn't mean she ceases to exist, cousins may still wish for a relationship. I still think it's worth trying to hash out.

OP never said she wouldn't celebrate her children's birthday, she said she is considering not having a party with extended family. Good grief! All of you who are advising her to go ahead and plan without the family are telling her to do the same thing she is already planning to do.

Thanks for this.

 

[Turn the Page]

I didn't read all the posts in this thread so I apologize if this has already been suggested.

I agree with the pp's who said to just schedule the party whenever it is convenient for you and let the chips fall where they may.

My brother's birthday is 3 days after a younger cousins birthday so my aunt and my mom would always hold a joint family party for them on the same day. Would that be an option perhaps?

 

[Lionqueen2]

Your twins are your 1st responsibility, not your SIL. I would plan their party on their own birthday or the weekend close to their birthday, invite their friends and your family and not stress about it. Those who wish to come will come.

If SIL or MIL complains, just remind them that your children are your first responsibility and duty and your loyalty belongs to them. It is their birthday and they have a right to enjoy their birthday on their actual day or a weekend close to it. You might want to remind your DH about that, also.

 

[Pigeon]

What would the "epic" fallout from your MIL entail?

I would plan the party I want to have and send out the invitations. An invitation is just that. It is not a command performance. If other people have different obligations and can't come, that's fine.

If your husband has your back, he will tell your MIL to keep her tantrums to herself. If he doesn't have your back, you've got more of a problem than just scheduling birthday parties.

Disengage from the drama.

 

[PollyannaMom]

What I actually do -

DS's birthday is just before Thanksgiving, and my niece's is right after. They have their separate "kid" parties at a time close to their birthdays, and we do a family celebration together at Thanksgiving. Everyone always seems happy.



What I might do in your case, because it sounds important to your family to have two parties -

Talk to SIL about why she wants to move her kids' birthday party so close to your kids' actual birthday. If it's legit, graciously offer to trade off years. She gets it this year, you get it next year, and so on. I don't know any five-year-old who would actually mind getting birthday presents three weeks early.

 

[ZachnElli]

I have a sil who does this also, with both her kids' birthdays and 2 of mine that fall in the same month. But our kids' birthdays are even farther apart, 15 and 19 days apart, so she does it on purpose. She's even planned her kid's party on my kid's birthday! I know how annoying it is! I never changed my plans for her! Now my MIL is a selfish woman who only celebrates her birthday, not her kids nor her grandkids, so if she complained it fell on deaf ears. I never once changed my plans, my side of the family were invited too. She usually changed her date and I stopped inviting her. My oldest is 19 now, so it's usually just our family of 5 and my parents. It's a lot less stressful!

 

[EMode]

My twins are turning five in a month or so. My nephew has a birthday eight days earlier. Scheduling a date for the party is always a nightmare. SIL doesn't want to do her son's party on the weekend of his birthday and always does it on the weekend of my twins' birthday. She also wants to stay away from labour day weekend. So. It means I have to book the party approximately three weeks before my twins' real birthday.

I wanted to scrap the whole party this year and just celebrate on the day with my dh and our three kids. Dh says they are a little young for that.

After all the date discussion today I am back to scrapping the party.

Thoughts?

We have this issue every year.

I haven't read the replies and I'm coming in to the thread late so I'm sure this has been said many times, I'm just adding support. No way would I go through all that to make my sil happy, if she doesn't want to have her kid's party on certain days that should be her issue to work around, not yours. Schedule your teins party when you want, tell your sil to deal with it this year.

 

[ronandannette]

I haven't read the replies and I'm coming in to the thread late so I'm sure this has been said many times, I'm just adding support. No way would I go through all that to make my sil happy, if she doesn't want to have her kid's party on certain days that should be her issue to work around, not yours. Schedule your teins party when you want, tell your sil to deal with it this year.

If you do go back and read through it you'll see that the OP doesn't want to deal with the anticipated flak that action will raise and her DH is not on-board either. Since no one on the DIS has been able to come up with any "magical logistics" that will both allow her to have the party when she'd like while also not offending the SIL in any way, the advice is largely useless. Given the title of the thread I'd go back and change my original advice to "Yes - cancel your party".

 

[quandrea]

I'm doing their little celebration on the actual day--a Wednesday. I will extend invites and whomever comes, comes. Tired of trying to please everyone. Can't be done and I end up aggravated. Not a great way to feel in regards to my kids' birthday.

To the above poster: you'll notice I did make a final decision up thread. I am having a party on the day of the birthday. Extended family is invited they may choose to come or not. Not looking for a pixie dusted solution. Dh is on board with that decision. Interesting how you can inject so much inference into a scenario. I was originally looking for thoughts, not some magical solution.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, i am happy to hear that you are deciding to move on with independent plans!

However, but I don't buy the one post up-thread, earlier. Not necessarily the one that just came in as I was typing this one....

Very clearly, the OP is asking 'should I just SCRAP the party'.
There is no backpeddling from that.

The original post was not, should I reschedule...
Should I do this... Should it do that....

The situation presented the that original post was very clear.

My earlier post still stands....
If she was ready to consider, and even post here, about whether she should 'scrap' her children's birthday party, because of the very unacceptable and bullying behaviors of a SIL (and the MIL) And, her husband has been okay with that.... (complacent, passive, etc...)

The issues are clear.

OP is trying to be in denial here and not face issues that are just very very hard to face.

But, no way would a SIL ever have had anything to do with negatively affecting the plans for my child's birthday.

OP, I do hope you plan a party, a positive one, that is FOR your children... and completely disengage with these nasty behaviors and emotional control and blackmail and temper-tantrums, by ADULTS.

Something tells me the real drama here is just beginning.

So, OP... brace yourself.

 

[quandrea]

OP, everyone here is right.
Do not let your SIL and your MIL hold your children, and the fact that THEIR birthday is special, hostage.

Seriously.

Ignore them....
DO NOT ENGAGE....

Your comments about 'the fallout from MIL', and the fact that your husband very passive-aggressively sits back, and gives them things THEIR way, speaks volumes.

This would not even be a topic of conversation with me.
It would not be enabled.
I would make my plans, issue the invites WAY in advance... and however it works out from there is just the way it is.
I would celebrate ON their birthday with any family who chooses to care about your children and celebrate their birthday.
And, as the kids are older, their birthday would not really be so much about your husbands family, and only them... and it would be all about YOUR KIDS AND THEIR FRIENDS AND WHAT THEY WANT.

I feel for you.
I really do.
BTDT with the whole 'everything always HAS to be all about and please my husbands mom and or dad.

Am even dealing with this right now with my son's best friend, who, as an almost grown teenager, usually can't make or commit to plans with my son, 'because grandma this... grandma that..."
Very sad.

At this point, your children are involved.
If your husband doesn't want to stand with you and support you and his own children when it comes to their birthday. Well, as has been said here on the DIS, it isn't usually an inlaw problem, it is a marriage problem.

I have to wonder as I am sitting here writing... if birthdays, and probably other occasions, are all about 'FAMILY' celebrations with HIS family. How do you celebrate your own birthday with your husband.. How about your anniversary... How about holidays.... I do think I know the answer to this one.

Am I not doing exactly what you said?

 

[bas71873]

To the above poster: you'll notice I did make a final decision up thread. I am having a party on the day of the birthday. Extended family is invited they may choose to come or not. Not looking for a pixie dusted solution. Dh is on board with that decision. Interesting how you can inject so much inference into a scenario. I was originally looking for thoughts, not some magical solution.

Good luck with your party OP. I can relate to your situation but have just learned over the years to put me and my family first and DH has supported me on that. It's worked well and everyone usually shows up and if they don't they send gifts or cards or well wishes. Happy Bday to your babies.