Second guessing my solicited advice

[NFLDERS]

We had DMil's 90th Birthday in March, and Dh's family reunion this past wk-end. An estranged nephew joined the families both days after many years of not attending any gatherings. He may be a recovered/ing Alcoholic it's anybodys guess as he didn't say, and no one asked. To-day my adult son called to ask my advice.

Apparently, this cousin will be dropping by his home to visit him, ddil, and dgs with his new girlfriend (he had a different one in March) one day soon. Ds said while they (ddil & he) couldn't say "No" (as cousins they were close growing up); Ds, and ddil regret it now. So.. he asked me what they should do?

First off I reminded him because of his past he may not show as other family members have experienced.
If they do visit entertain them on the patio. Listen to get a feel for his recent life activities. Play it by ear, and offer only that which feels comfortable as the visit unfolds. I advised if it is a problem then politely ask them to leave. Any experiences, and advice you may be able to pass along.

 

[Dizlvr]

Are they coming for a visit or an extended stay? If its just for a visit maybe they could suggest meeting somewhere like a restaurant and just having a meal together and then go their separate ways.

 

[Luv2Run]

If it were me, I'd be more likely to suggest meeting for dinner at a restaurant or having a cookout at a local park, instead of inviting them over to my home. I have several cousins that I haven't seen or spoken to for the better part of a decade (not just because of drugs/alcohol, but distance and family lives, also), and that's what I would want to do. This gives both parties a general idea of how long we're going to spend together, in case either party needs/wants to leave instead of spending all night together. I'd play it by ear. If we're getting along great during that outing, then I'd maybe think of inviting them back to the house, but most likely not. I'm a very private person, my home is my haven, so I don't like strange people coming over, even if they are distant relatives.

 

[powellrj]

Wow, you guys are hard core. There are many of my cousins I haven't seen since we were kids or since we were married and I am talking 30+ years. I would welcome any of them that wanted to visit without another thought.

I would serve them a nice dinner and talk about old times and enjoy their company.

 

[Dizlvr]

Wow, you guys are hard core. There are many of my cousins I haven't seen since we were kids or since we were married and I am talking 30+ years. I would welcome any of them that wanted to visit without another thought.

I would serve them a nice dinner and talk about old times and enjoy their company.

Hard core how? The OP's ds said he regrets his decision, I was just offering an alternative.
Its not a simple black and white "its family" thing for many. We have no idea the history here, or why this cousin is estranged from the family. I have a very large family on my mother's side, there are a few uncles that I haven't seen in years, I wouldn't be welcoming them with open arms in my home just because they are family though, and I have my reasons. Maybe the OP's ds has his too.

 

[TLSnell1981]

OP, you appear to be very uneasy with this family member. What does your gut tell you?

He may be blood, but apparently, he's been as stranger for quite sometime. I don't invite anyone into my home, unless I am very comfortable being around them.

 

[powellrj]

She said she didn't know why he never went to family things. For all they know he could have had a job where he had to work every weekend. She was speculating he may have had been a recovering alcoholic. Even if he was what difference does that make. We don't serve alcohol in our house, so even if he was an alcoholic it wouldn't be an issue and he could leave if it was a problem for him.

 

[soccerdad72]

I'm confused as to how letting the cousin into their home would be an issue, but having them on the patio would be fine?

 

[ronandannette]

OP, what exactly is it that you all are afraid this guy will do? The reference to "May be a recovering alcoholic" seems pretty benign unless your family has some specific aversion to and distrust/fear of people who use alcohol.

 

[Dizlvr]

She referred to him as estranged, that means more than just not attending family gatherings. It means he doesn't have contact with the family. At least that is how I took it. I think its unfair to assume that just because you wouldn't have any issue with it that those who do are "hard core". Like I said we don't know the history and obviously the ds is uncomfortable with his decision, there is nothing wrong with coming up with an alternative way to spend time with an estranged family member if one is uncomfortable having them in their home. Not every family are the Cunninghams.

 

[phorsenuf]

We had DMil's 90th Birthday in March, and Dh's family reunion this past wk-end. An estranged nephew joined the families both days after many years of not attending any gatherings. He may be a recovered/ing Alcoholic it's anybodys guess as he didn't say, and no one asked. To-day my adult son called to ask my advice.

Apparently, this cousin will be dropping by his home to visit him, ddil, and dgs with his new girlfriend (he had a different one in March) one day soon. Ds said while they (ddil & he) couldn't say "No" (as cousins they were close growing up); Ds, and ddil regret it now. So.. he asked me what they should do?

First off I reminded him because of his past he may not show as other family members have experienced.
If they do visit entertain them on the patio. Listen to get a feel for his recent life activities. Play it by ear, and offer only that which feels comfortable as the visit unfolds. I advised if it is a problem then politely ask them to leave. Any experiences, and advice you may be able to pass along.

Geesh. It's sad to see how many people just assume the worst in people. If he is a recovering alcoholic then perhaps that was his problem in the PAST. Can he not move forward and start anew? Is he always going to be judged and shunned because of mistakes in the past?

I just spent a great evening with some dear old friends of ours. Back in the day he was a hard core drinker, did drugs and got in trouble with the law. Now he is an executive director of an organization that helps kid and adults with recovery. He does so much good for them and the program. I'm so glad he does not get judged by how he behaved in his younger years. It's no wonder why so many people have a hard time moving forward when they straighten out their lives, especially from family!

 

[TLSnell1981]

Wow, you guys are hard core. There are many of my cousins I haven't seen since we were kids or since we were married and I am talking 30+ years. I would welcome any of them that wanted to visit without another thought.

I would serve them a nice dinner and talk about old times and enjoy their company.

She said, that he was estranged from the family. My assumption, he hasn't been in contact with them for years. OP obviously feels uncomfortable and so does her son. There must be a reason, why they are concerned.

Personally, a recovering alcoholic wouldn't be a reason for me to not invite someone into my home. I also have family, I haven't seen in years, but we have communicated periodically and have no qualms with them visiting.

 

[bethy]

We've recently sort of BTDT and been burned. So my advice is for your son to absolutely follow his instincts. I would tell him to just say, hey, I booked a sitter and my wife is looking forward to a night out. Let's do a double date and have a fun night out at a nice restaurant! Then say they can't wait to meet the girl friend, etc, etc. If your son can afford it would be even better if he could say hey, let us take you out to dinner. That would make more sense and before effective. Because then what can the nephew say - no, I want to come over to your house?

But seriously he should definitely listen to his instincts. Even if/when the nephew is fine, honest, a stand up guy, etc, he still shouldn't have a problem with going out.

 

[bethy]

Geesh. It's sad to see how many people just assume the worst in people. If he is a recovering alcoholic then perhaps that was his problem in the PAST. Can he not move forward and start anew? Is he always going to be judged and shunned because of mistakes in the past?

I just spent a great evening with some dear old friends of ours. Back in the day he was a hard core drinker, did drugs and got in trouble with the law. Now he is an executive director of an organization that helps kid and adults with recovery. He does so much good for them and the program. I'm so glad he does not get judged by how he behaved in his younger years. It's no wonder why so many people have a hard time moving forward when they straighten out their lives, especially from family!

Like I said if they discover that the nephew is a stand up guy and would never cause any issues then great - there is still no harm with going out to dinner. They need to get to know him better first.

 

[marlynnp]

Estranged?

Is there something else you're not telling us? You're acting like he's been in jail for several year.

 

[littlejimmy]

if you are going to confine him to the patio, for gods sake, don't offer him any beverages that will make him have to pee. it could get a bit messy, if he is not allowed in the house.

 

[Sanchez]

Red Flags! RED FLAGS! RED FLAGS!!!

 

[sk!mom]

Wow, you guys are hard core. There are many of my cousins I haven't seen since we were kids or since we were married and I am talking 30+ years. I would welcome any of them that wanted to visit without another thought.

I would serve them a nice dinner and talk about old times and enjoy their company.

Yep, This! Just last week, we got together with DH's 9th cousin and his wife visiting from France. We've met them twice before when we went over to visit. Never gave it a thought. We enjoyed catching up.

To the OP, I'm missing any info in your post that explains why they would be regretting the invitation so have dinner and catch up and then they'll be on their way.

 

[morgan98]

There is obviously much more to this story as we are calling this person estranged, a potential alcoholic (or recovering one) and there is reference to him having a different girlfriend that he had in March (which is not necessarily a bad thing). I mean if you get a bad vibe, I can understand proceeding with caution, but just because you have not seen him does not mean he is up to no good.

My father is an only child. When I was younger say until 18 or so, we used to go to an annual family picnic as see some of my father's first cousins. My parents got divorced, I grew up and got married, etc. Not to mention my father was never particularly close to these people or saw them at holidays. I guess that would classify us as estranged. I am now 45. I can guarantee you I have not been in jail, am not recovering from addiction or any such thing. Just do not have much in common with this family and live in a different part of the country.

 

[NFLDERS]

Are they coming for a visit or an extended stay? If its just for a visit maybe they could suggest meeting somewhere like a restaurant and just having a meal together and then go their separate ways.

They are just dropping by while in the area on the way to/from Niagara Falls for a day visit, and live about 1 1/2 hrs away. They bonded a bit at both gatherings but neither events had any alcohol. The reason for his estrangement was alcohol, drug addiction, and the numerous negative effects the family as a whole experienced.