SAHMs: Do you feel guilty about buying DH lots of gifts?

[ogreenlee]

I have no problem using the family money to buy our family things that we need. If it comes to gift-giving, I have no problem buying our dd gifts with the money that my husband earns at work.

When it comes to giving gifts to my DH, I have a hard time. He's a much bigger tightwad than me, and says that he would prefer no gifts. I feel guilty not getting him anything, so I have to rule that out, but I also feel guilty for spending money on him that he actually earned (even though we agree that raising our daughter counts and that he only earns half of his salary and I earn the other half) when he doesn't want me to spend it on him.

I know that he fully considers all the money that he gets from his check "our money", but I have a hard time spending it on him.

 

[SaraMc]

I get things for DH all the time, its me that I seem to have a hard time spending money on. Everyone else comes first DS and DH

 

[dazzled]

I have to agree with SaraMc. I too have a hard time spending money on myself. I don't seem to have the same problems spending on my DD's and DH. I do all the shopping in our family anyways. My husband only shops for home improvement things. He's the "Ty Pennington" in our family.

 

[ogreenlee]

I'll buy him some work clothes and stuff like that b/c he needs that stuff, but I'd feel guilty buying him something that he doesn't need with "his" money. Now, he isn't the one who feels like it's "his" money. I do.

 

[natenapril]

I agree with the 2 posts above me. I LOVE buying my DH "stuff". I know that he won't buy things for himself because he doesn't feel comfortable spending money. So I get it for him when he's not with me.

 

[Skatermom23]

I can't say that I have this problem! Maybe because I have been a SAHM for 17 years now. We decided together that this was how we were going to raise our family, so it has always been viewed as our money. In fact, I take care of all the money and give DH an allowance... He loves it when I buy him things that he isn't expecting! He might be a grown man, but he loves his toys!!
If he was the type who didn't like getting gifts, then I probably wouldn't spend much on him. But that has nothing to do with who earned the money.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I hate using the money DH earned for "his" gift--Makes me feel useless!!

I know I do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids and their needs plus the odds and ends work like car maintenance and yard cleaning but still for some reason when it comes to buying him something with "his" money I feel like a slug.

He says "it's OUR money and if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be able to do what I do to make it" and all that but it still doesn't change how I feel about it.

I'm not used to the not working for a living--Before my first heartattack I worked at least 40 hours a week and busted my butt. Now I expend more energy trying to figure out how to make money

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I can't say that I have this problem! Maybe because I have been a SAHM for 17 years now. We decided together that this was how we were going to raise our family, so it has always been viewed as our money. In fact, I take care of all the money and give DH an allowance... He loves it when I buy him things that he isn't expecting! He might be a grown man, but he loves his toys!!
If he was the type who didn't like getting gifts, then I probably wouldn't spend much on him. But that has nothing to do with who earned the money.

This is the same with me. DH and I don't have much fun money for buying things, we usually use it go take the kids out so when gift-buying occassions come up we both enjoy getting gifts that we otherwise wouldn't buy ourselves, even little things, like today I am going out to buy him an autographed book by his favorite author for our anniversary. It's not extravagant, but he can't get off work to get it signed and he wants that book.

OP, do you manage the finances or does DH? I think that might make a difference. I manage all of our finances so I feel more like the money is OURS as opposed to HIS.

 

[teamagic]

DH loves when I surprise him with something that he really likes, even if he doesn't really need it. I have been a SAHM for 3 years now and I manage all of the money. DH loves that he gets his money(allowance) and he does what he wants with it. I am the one that ends up spending any extra money on the kids or DH. I really have trouble spending money on me even when I really need something.

 

[Kay1]

If you really feel badly about this, you could sell somethings of yours that you no longer need, either by Ebay or garage sale and use that money. Also, if your husband is a true tightwad he would be thrilled if you put effort into finding him a few luxuries that you hunted down at garage sales and thrift stores, paying pennies on the dollar.

 

[pbharris4]

I have no problems spending money on my kids, me or my DH. DH rarely buys himself anything so I get it for him. I can't remember the last time he even bought his own underwear!

Shopping Malls are a SAHM's best friend!

I have to admit that I am a self proclaimed shopaholic!!!

 

[ogreenlee]

We both take care of the finances. I should say.. we both take LOUSY care of the finances. That's why I'm so happy to have found this board. I've noticed since I started reading it that I'm more selective in what I buy, and I actually look at the price tags a little more carefully.

He's even noticed that I'm being more careful and paying more attention instead of paying more dollars. He's happy about that.

He's very fair about it. I guess I'm just trying to still get used to the fact that half of his money is earned by me taking care of our home and dd. He just happens to get the check that says it belongs to him.

We have an agreement that if we purchase anything over $100 (not a total purchase, but one item) then we notify each other before making the purchase.

I went to Chicago with friends for my birthday, and all he got was a wall-hanging for his office from me. He loved it, but I felt bad that I didn't have something more substantial.

The selling stuff on ebay to make myself some money is a good idea.

 

[branv]

I think what you're saying that perhaps some are misconstruing is not that you feel bad buying your DH things, it's that you feel guilty buying your DH GIFTS that are technically paid for with his paycheck. Am I right?

I am not a SAHM, but a full time student who isn't working while I go to school. My "job" is to take care of everything related to the home (laundry, cooking, cleaning), etc. until I graduate and get a job. So it is DH's paycheck we're living off of. He truly thinks of it as our money, but I still feel guilty about buying him birthday/christmas/anniversary gifts using "his" money. I can't shake the feeling that it's not a real gift.

What I have started doing is putting all the money I make from doing surveys aside. Even if it's only enough to pay for one of the gifts, I feel happy and excited to be using that money to get his "special" present. So far I have put aside about $210.

 

[ogreenlee]

That's exactly how I feel, Branv.

What's even more sad... he does 95% of the cooking.

He'd rather me not cook. Ain't that awful? He's a master in the kitchen, and I'm a mere slow-cooker. He doesn't like foods from the crockpot, so he comes home and whips up fantastic meals most every evening.

I'm very lucky...

 

[MATTERHORN]

I get things for DH all the time, its me that I seem to have a hard time spending money on. Everyone else comes first DS and DH

I am exactly the same. DH gets so mad because I give him a budget of about $40 - $50 to spend on me for Christmas and then I buy him something really cool like a PSP! He hates it but I love it! I love giving people gifts!

 

[MATTERHORN]

I can't say that I have this problem! Maybe because I have been a SAHM for 17 years now. We decided together that this was how we were going to raise our family, so it has always been viewed as our money. In fact, I take care of all the money and give DH an allowance... QUOTE]

Had to laugh because that is so us! DH doesn't spend any money besides what I give him. He has no clue about our bills, we have direct deposit so he literally never even sees a check! But he likes me to shop for him, and I buy him what he needs, and a little of what he wants so it's not like he goes without~!

 

[StephMK]

I have no problems spending money on my kids, me or my DH. DH rarely buys himself anything so I get it for him. I can't remember the last time he even bought his own underwear!

Shopping Malls are a SAHM's best friend!

I have to admit that I am a self proclaimed shopaholic!!!

Me too! He makes it but I have never felt bad about spending any of it. I also handle the finances so I've never felt guilty that he's "making" the money. If it weren't for me being at home, he wouldn't have been available for all the OT he used to make. Plus he's been able to get the reputation of being extremely reliable & hard working because he doesn't take off for sick kids or worry about us while he's there. Every now & then he'll tease me about spending "his" paychecks & I'm very quick to remind him - ok, then you pay me for doing the laundry, cleaning the house, making your meals, paying your bills & remembering the calendar for 5 people! Plus I used to make more than him so for a time I contributed more financially.

I would really encourage anyone at home that feels guilty about spending "his" money to remember the value you add to the family and that while it's not a direct paycheck, it is a contribution.

 

[pbharris4]

I don't feel guilty buying DH gifts with his own money. It really is our money and my DH views it that way as well. We both had very demanding jobs (he used to travel last minute all over the US) and it was rather rough when my 1st DD was born for all of us. So we decided that when we had another I'd stay at home. He still has a demanding job and a 140 mile commute each day (doesn't travel anymore thankfully). As you know SAHMs do alot and it is a job..we just don't get paychecks. But I know what you mean. If you feel that strongly about it like someone else suggested 5sell some things on Ebay or maybe you can get a PT Xmas job on a Saturday during the Xmas season and buy him gifts that way.

 

[drag n' fly]

No guilt here.... I am never off the job. The money is all in one pot. He shows his appreciation in lots of ways. I buy gifts that HE feels too guilty to buy himself LOL