Sad News to share: PO3 small update pg 3, post 36

[Mickeyteacher]

Nan,
Thanks for keeping us all updated.

Holly,
We are here for you. I hope in the coming days you will lean on your friends here, as we all love and support you.
S

 

[morgansmom2000]

Thanks for the update, Nan. She sent me a text as well and we are going to try to get together on Thursday. If not then, hopefully this weekend.

I'm feeling a bit loopy...so permit me some sentimentality...Thank you all so much for welcoming me into your little world. I truly appreciate being a part of it and count you all as my friends.

 

[PrincessNancy96]

That is great that she is willing to meet up with someone... Make sure you both call me while you are together!!!!!

 

[DisneyIsTerrific]

Thanks for the update Nan. And, Jennifer, I'm so glad that you and Holly are going to get together.

Lots of prayers, pixiedust and hugs still heading to Holly!!!!!!

 

[party of 3]

Hi everyone. Thank you all so very much for all your love and support. All of the hugs and texts mean the world to me. I'm sitting here with nothing inside my body. I want to tell you all how i feel and i'm just not sure about that myself. My mother was my very best friend in the whole world. It was always her and i. everyday. everywhere. i have 2 sisters and 2 nieces and 1 nephew and 2 great nieces and 2 great nephews. that's out small little family. my mother lived for us. her every breath was us. all she wanted to be remembered by was that -she was a good mom- (her words) are ya kiddin' me ma? nobody was better than you. she always used to say that -you kids are better than everyone else. nobody is better than you. don't ever let anyone tell you that they are better.- (again her words) she just loved us with all of her heart. i feel like i can't breath as i right this. and i can't see the screen through all my tears.
she was diagnosed last year with a MMT sarcoma tumor. it was 7lbs. and they took it out. she has radiation and all was good. she had a good last year. in feb and march she had a ct scan, mri and an edg or egd? and they all said she was cancer free. then when we went to nyc in april she had a cold. she picked us up at the train station and still had the cold. she went to the drs. week after week trying this and that. nothing. i brought her to the er on mothers day and the admitted her. the next day they told us it was back. and probably around 15 lbs. and that they would operate soon. they sent her home and she was so sick she did not eat the whole week. she had another ct scan with contrast and that stuff you drink shut her kidneys down. so when we were at the cancer dr for an appt at the end of her 1st week home the primary dr came in and said she has to be admitted because she was in acute kidney failure. so they did. she then spent 2 weeks on so much meds she did not know who she was. they came to us on memorial day weekend and said if they don't operate she will pass away before the weekends is over and if they operate she will probably pass away on the table. so we took the chance and she made it. 3 days in icu. it looked good. then on day 9 still in the hospital her staples let go and she was across the room not near the button so she sat there for a while before someone found her. back to the o.r. again looked good. they finally sent her home. but she was not eating well or looking good. she had good days and bad days. i took her to take the staples out and see the cancer dr 2weeks ago. they said she had 6 months with no chemo and 17 months with chemo but she would always be on the chemo until the end, and be very sick. so she opted out of the chemo. and we all thought she had 6 months. the not even 2 weeks ago she had a ct scan. and it was so hard to get her in and out of the house that she said to me "holly, don't ever ask me to do that again. i'm all done with test. it hurt so bad getting in and out. i'm done." so i told her ok. it's her decision. no more. i never thought that would be the last time she'd leave the house. the dr called me last wednesday and said it was back and bigger than may's tumor. probably 30lbs. and it was not looking good. we immediately all got together with her to chat about it and she said she was good. little did i know that she would be gone in 3 days. oh how much this hurts to write. to live without her. to feel so all alone. to want to die myself. god why. why. why does this hurt so bad. she took her last breath on saturday morning at 12:27. she lost this battle. she was in so much pain at the end. i prayed for god to take her but now i'm struggling with that. why would i want someone to take my mother from me????? why did i do that???? i'm mad. i'm mad at myself for not doing more. i'm mad at the drs for not finding it sooner. i'm mad that she was dealt this crappy hand. i just plain mad. sad. depressed. lonely. all kinds of emotions. i hate my living room. i can't bear to go in there. i just keep replaying it in my head. how can i go on? she was my whole life. she always made everything about me. never her. i told someone in the last few days that i was so lucky that she was there for my 1st breath and i was there for her last. but that's not lucky. i want her back so bad it hurts.
everyone tells me that has lost someone that i'll feel her. and i don't. why? i'm begging her to come to me and let me know she's there and she's not. why can't i feel her?? i told her i'd never leave her side and i let them take her to the funeral home. she was there all alone. dave said it was not her just her shell. there are times when i just can't breath. and i have a complete meltdown. will it ever be ok? i can't eat. i can't drink. my mother loved my coffee. she called it the nectar of the gods. oh ma. i make it and don't drink it. i just want one more good day with her. not one more of her last days.

i hope all of you that have read this will not think i'm crazy. i'm just in so much pain. i loved her so much.

if you are still reading this, thank you for staying with me until the end.

please take away with you that enjoy every second you have with your loved ones. because it's gone in a minute.

 

[PrincessNancy96]

Holly, NOT DOING MORE!!! Holly you did more that most would.. most people go hide and pretend it is NOT happening.. You were there for your mom just like her BFF!!!!! Don't beat yourself up. You did what you needed to and what your mom wanted you to do...

I remember every moment since Feb... and I wouldn't have been any other place with you (via text) unless I could have been right beside both of you.
As I told you last night it is going to hurt and it's going to hurt for a long time... the pain will lessen but not go away... but you have so much to live for.... look at your DH and that beautiful baby boy of yours.. they are what you need to live for.. your mother would expect that.. You want to do for Bubba what your mom did for you.. be the best mom and the best friend to him and to DH that you can... Your mom gave you the skills for that...don't let that legacy your mom gave you go away.. she would NOT want that for you!!!! We don't want that for you.

I could write for hours more..but I want you to read this..and you know what a sap I am and I cried reading your words.. I will be printing them out for you....because one day you will want to read what you wrote...

As we all have said.. lean on us... we want to help... I'm home all day so I'll text shortly.. I need to go get PJ right now.... but I want you to know how much we care..
On the personal side of it... DH and the kids have been asking about you and the family daily... numerous times.. DH was more excited when you texted last night because he knew I was worried.. When your DH called me on Saturday, he (my DH) was the one holding me letting me know we would all get thru this together...

Anyway, I want you to know we can get thru this slow but sure... Keep your chin up and let your mom's legacy live thru you.. She taught you well!!! Let her smile down on you and your family knowing everything she taught you is being put to good use!

Love ya!!!

 

[DisneyIsTerrific]

Oh Holly, you did everything you could for your Mom and you were so strong for her. Please don't feel guilty for anything, you did what you had to do for your Mom and she knew you loved her and that's what is important. Hang in there, the pain does ease up even if it doesn't go away completely. When my Dad died it took the longest time for me to remember him how he was before he got sick rather than what he looked like in the ICU the last few times I saw him. It was hard, but I was finally able to get past remembering those bad times and remember him for who he had always been for my entire life. Try hard to remember your Mom in the happy times. It really does help.

I so wish I could be there and give you a big hug and shoulder to cry on. But, please know I'm here if you need me. I'm sending you the biggest cyber hug I can! Hang in there sweetie.

 

[Mickster]

Oh, Holly... I'm so sad for you. But she loved you so much. Take a few minutes for yourself...go outside, take deep breaths, sit in the sun and think of her...she'll come to you...she is part of you...

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

What Mickster said - She IS a part of you. There is no reason for her to come to you, she is already there. The love she gave you is already inside you. She lived her life for you and now you need to live your life for your Little Man. That is the legacy she gave you.

You cry. You get mad. Get Damn Mad. And then you need to let that go. Letting go of the guilt, the madness, the insanity of it all. And then embrace those memories. Share those memories with your son. And know your Mom is there, through all of it.

 

[rlovew]

Holly- we love you! You did everything you could and your mom is a part of you- everything she taught you- the love you have for others. It is just fine to get mad and ask questions- I can't promise there will be answers but it is just fine to ask. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Rebecca

 

[bearbear]

Holly,
I don't know what I could say to make you feel better, but I know that your mother appreciated you just being there. Take what she taught you about being a great mom and share that with your family. That is the greatest gift you could give her.
Keep your chin up and just know we are all here for you.
Cindy

 

[MazdaUK]

Oh Holly, I so feel your pain. Cry now, get mad and whatever - it will help in the long run (the very long run maybe). But you have to live on for bubba and DH. She's not left you, she's just got rid of her pain and everything that was slowing her down. She will always be with you.

 

[Mickeyteacher]

Holly,
I'm sitting here crying because I could have written the same post almost 7 years ago. I lost my Grandmother, to whom I was very close, very suddenly. One night I was booking her a plane ticket and the next she was gone. I lived with guilt, pain, anger, and saddness. I worte her eulage and gave it to a friend to make sure it flowed. She took my emotional writing and turned it in to a beautiful rememberance of my grandmother.
For months, more like years, I called her phone number just to hear the recording that the number has been diconnected. I too wanted her to send me a sign that she was ok. The spring after we lost her, DH and I moved into our first house. The salers told me that they had planted a small dogwood tree in the flower bed the previous spring, but that it had never bloomed. See Dogwoods where grandma's favorite- I took it as a sign. My BFF made us a sign that say "leave room for the angels to dance", I placed it under the tree and watched for the tree to bloom. I just know that she would give me a sign that she was ok.
Fast forward 6 years, we had had no blooms in 6 years. Every spring when the blooms did not appear, I would think of grandma and hope for a sign. Then in April, I was driving home from school when my mom called and told me that Grandma's BFF had passed away earlier in the day. I pulled over and cried, because she was my last link to Grandma. When I got home that evening, the tree was full of big, white dogwood flowers.
After 6 years, I got my sign- She was ok, watching over us and loving us through all the lessons she had taught us. Don't get me wrong- I look at my kids and see parts of my grandma and grandpa in each of them. I still want to pick up the phone and call them and tell them. Then I remember that they are watching it all from heaven, Grandpa is egging them on.

I write this to let you know that your mother is a part of you. You will get your sign, but it may take some time. She is looking down at you, loving you. Lean on people around you and here right now. The pain will lessen a little bit over time, but it will take a lot of time. Right now, write letters to your mom, talk to her, teach DS the same lessons she taught you and love your DH and DS with all of your heart.

Most of all remember that we are here for you.
S

 

[ddavis860]

Holly, I know exactly what you are feeling! I picked up the phone to call my mom for at least a year after she passed if not more. I still want to run things by her and get her take on things. She was my best friend, and we talked 3 or more times every day. My kids called her Mugga, and for a long long time, they would find me crying and call them "Mugga Moments" because they knew something had set off memories that made me sad miss her...

I promise you, it will get easier. Time does kind of wrap a bandaid around the worst of the pain, but it never really goes away. Just trust that all the things you are feeling right now are how you have to deal with this terrible loss. Don't feel any guilt for laughter that comes your way, or any other emotions, even just feeling nothing... no guilt...

 

[StitchIsOurHero]

Oh, Holly!!

As others have said, please know that your mom would want you to know you did everything!! Remember, even you said she said, "No one is better than you all". I know the pain and hurt you are going through, and I wish I could be there in person for you!! I know we all do! Remember, she would want you to take care of yourself, however you can do that at this point. So, do whatever you need to do in order to do that. Spend lots of time with your DH & Bubba. . .and take comfort from that. The best thing that I think your mom would love about you is the great mother that we all know you are!!

And as someone else said, she doesn't have to come to you--she's already there! One day, it'll just "surprise" you that you still know she's there, and you'll be able to say, "Thanks, Mom, I hear ya!"

If there's anything I can do--anything at all--please let me know! I will be praying for you!!!!

 

[morgansmom2000]

Ah Holly, I want to come over and give you a big hug!

I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I do know that your mom lives on in you, in Bubba, and all the things she taught you that you will teach to him. Mom wouldn't want you to give up, she wants you to live on and continue her legacy through Bubba and his children and grandchildren.

The pain you feel now will subside, but you do need to grieve, you do need to get mad. There is NOTHING you should feel guilty about. You did everything you could for mom, and more.

My grandmother died almost 15 years ago now. She was in Florida, my mom was here in Massachusetts, and she tried to get there, but before she even left, Nammie passed away. My mother felt so bad that she wasn't there for her, I believe that Nammie didn't want my mom to see her like that, that she went when she did because she wanted my mom to remember her as she was, not as she became. Your mom didn't want to leave you, but she also didn't want you to see her suffer any more than she already had.

Please, please, please lean on us...we're here for you. And, please call your doctor. There is no shame in asking for help, or asking for something to get you through the next few weeks. It's not supposed to be easy, but they can make it a little more bearable.

Try to take a little time for yourself, go for a walk around the block, talk to mom about the gorgeous weather, the feel of the sun on your face, I'm sure she's listening. She'll show you that, maybe not as soon as you want, or in a way you expect, but she will.

I'm coming over on Thursday, or meeting you somewhere, you just tell me where and when.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

will write later, need to step out and stop crying.

Holly, we love you. We are here for you.
Do you want me to come up with Jennifer? Or maybe this weekend?

 

[ksjayhawks]

Sending

It doesn't seem like it now, but it does get better with time. I felt a lot like you when my dad died 15 years ago. The pain does ease and the good memories do take over. Don't rush it, don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling/acting; don't let anyone tell you that you should be okay because you knew she was dying--it doesn't make the loss any less real. Remember, there is no set order for grief and no timetable when it will suddenly be over and done.

 

[New England Eeyore]

Holly.

I wish I could be there to give you a hug. Just take one day at a time, like you've been doing all along. Your mom loved you so much and was so proud of you. And no one did more for her than you did.

 

[Lisa]

Holls, it's okay to cry, your tears are a sign of a great love. Each moment you feel the heartache is a sign that your Mom is with you, and she will always be with you, with your fond remembrance and memories of her. She lives on in each breath you and Bubba take.

What you wrote to us is beautiful, print it out for later when you can think about your Mom without bursting into tears. It will be a loving tribute that you can share with Bubba when he is older. Have him write down his feelings too. This must be hard for him as well.

We are here for you, don't feel you have to bear your heartache alone. BAMB and I could come over this weekend for coffee if you want a shoulder for comfort.