RSVP regrets

[AuntieKels]

Is it ever ok to contact someone about a RSVP decline?

We have this family that are VERY close friends. The father went to high school with my dad and is a reader in our ceremony, the parents are my Godparents, their daughter is my best friend/roommate/bridesmaid and their son was my brothers BFF/roommate/groomsmen. They are invited to all our family functions. Their son got married almost 4 years ago and we were very involved. I went to 3 (yes, thats right, 3) bridal showers for his bride-to-be and her bachelorette party. I've also been to birthday dinners and graduations for her since then. His wife and I aren't close but we love her because we love her husband and get along just fine.

I had my one and only bridal shower last weekend and I was surprised to see she didn't come. After all, her MIL and SIL were the hosts. I thought maybe because it was a Sunday and they live almost an hour away she just couldn't make it but I was still hurt. Then when I went to my parents house for dinner with all the family that had come into town for the shower I saw the RSVP cards and notices that the son and his wife sent a declining RSVP that said, "Congrats." I cried right on the spot. I couldn't believe it! My mom and sister cried and said they didn't want to tell me before the shower.

What can I do? I'm sad and furious that they didn't even call or explain themselves. I called my friend right away and she and her mom cried over it and didn't know what to tell me. Apparently they are going on vacation that weekend. I've have my wedding date for over a year and sent out save the date cards.

Is it ok to confront them about it? Or would that be just as rude?

Thanks for the advice. sorry this is so long!

 

[Tiggeriffic79]

Wow that sucks

Has she maybe fallen out with her in-laws without you knowing? Or maybe he has?

I don't think you should call her out on it, but perhaps you could give him a call and say something like 'sorry you won't be able to make it, you'll be missed especially as I had such a ball at your events, hope you vacay goes well' maybe you'll get a better explanation then?

Hope things sort themselves out

 

[Jilian]

Hmm, that is a tough call. What do you hope to accomplish by contacting them? Do you think there is a chance they'll change their minds? I'd go for an e-mail if possible and say something like "I received your response card and was very sad to hear that you cannot make it. It won't be the same without you!". I'm guessing that since they've sent the response card back already that their minds are already made up and it might be really awkward to call and bring it up without it looking like you are trying to change their minds or make them feel guilty. I'm sorry that you are sad.

 

[NoOrdinaryPrincess]

I would ask the mother and sister in law why they are declining since they already know you're upset.

 

[Ember]

There is not really any polite way to ask someone why they've chosen not to attend your wedding. It's not your right to inquire how or why someone chooses to spend either their time or their money.

It's very sad, though, that someone you felt close to would choose to decline without any explanation. I'm very sorry that they upset you, and I hope they will offer a reason of their own accord to help mend fences.

 

[sambycat]

so, it's the wife of the brother in a family that you are close with/godparented by/etc.. - right? not sure i got that all correct!

yeah, there could be many issues here at play. i agree that there isn't any way to confront or inquire politley. the opportunity could come up and then you might ask or express the regre they won't be there. it does seem that in the history of the families, this would be something that couple should/would make time for. but who knows - you never know what really goes on with people - maybe they don't have the money to travel for a wedding (though the going on vacation thing that week makes that not likely) - but you just never know. maybe she is mean and hateful - this is what i personally would go with but i am also frequesntly evil and hateful. ha!

a good friend of mine backed out and it was really upsetting. i feel your pain. i personally am judging her/them and assuming he is... as they say..... whipped?

i'm sorry. try not to focus on it too much. a situation will arise at some point that you can inquire or remark on their absence...

 

[smitch425]

Perhaps the vacation was planned prior to her receiving your save the date card. Maybe her trip is nonrefundable. Some people plan their trips in a similar timeline as they would plan a wedding. In fact, we have a situation where a coworker of my husband is getting married over Labor Day weekend, but we were already scheduled to go out of town for a football game. They understood and were fine with it. Granted we aren't besties or anything, but we attend parties with them and my hubby eats out with this person a lot and most of our friends will be going to the wedding. Some people just have plans made that have been made for a long time. I wouldn't directly call her and ask why they are not coming, I would just casually bring it up in a coversation. Maybe you could meet her for lunch and discuss honeymoon details and say, "By the way, so and so mentioned you had a vacation coming up. Where are you headed?" and then see if she metions that she is sorry about the timing. Just a thought. Good luck and have a fabulous wedding!

 

[cam&phoebsmom]

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but I would not question anybody about it. If it comes up naturally in conversaion (like you see them and say, "We got your card and saw you can't make it-we are so sorry about that! What are you doing that weekend?") leave it at that.

If you do confront them what do you expect will happen? If you do want to continue to have a relationship with them in the future I would not confront them in a negative manner or you will pretty much guarantee that the relationship you do have now will dissolve. Instead of focusing on this one couple who cannot attend focus on all the others who are participating and attending. I hope you have a great day!

 

[AuntieKels]

Thanks everyone. I don't really know what I would want out of talking with them. I guess in a perfect world they would shift their plans and come to the wedding. As I've had a little more time to cool down about it I think it will be ok. If I see them then I think I'll just mention how sorry I am they wont be sharing our day as they are so important to us but that's it.
Thanks again!

 

[tinkerbell 766]

This is a tough one isn't it? Forgive me, but I am not sure of the etiquette surrounding bridal showers as we do not have them here in the UK. Would a decline of the wedding invitation mean that your friend's wife would automatically not be expected to attend the shower? Because if not, I don't think she has offered an explanation as to why she didn't come to your shower. Or, did I miss that?
I think if it were me, I would write or e-mail saying that I had received the decline, and was sorry and disappointed that they could not attend. I would also say that you hope they enjoy their vacation and leave it at that. A letter (or e-mail) like this, registers your disappointment, but also makes you the bigger person for not making a big deal of it. I don't know this lady, but maybe she is the sort who is expecting a fuss, which would then shift the attention on to her. I suggest not playing along with this. After all, it is their loss that they will miss your gorgeous wedding, and it is your big day. As hard as it seems, I would let them know you are disappointed with the decline and move on. Do not let this spoil things for you!!
Much love to you

 

[Chilly]

Knowing what men are like i'm guessing he didn't have your wedding on his radar not in a bad way just because men are terrible with dates and his wife has sorted out their holiday either on purpose or by accident for the same weekend as your wedding and maybe its non refundable. It sounds to me like this woman is just not interested in you and your family sadly and is trying to distance herself maybe because she'd rather spend time with her own family? Confronting her won't help, it'll only make you feel worse i'd say, instead concentrate on the people who are coming and think how much money you've saved on their meal. Have a wonderful wedding.

 

[AuntieKels]

The bridal shower (hen's party) had a completly different invitation all together. I was told she texted her SIL the night before the party to say she wasn't coming and didn't respond to any questions.

Chilly, I think you are right on. Looking back on it all, it was probably her MIL who invited us to all her parties or suggested we would like to be invited. She does seem to be distancing them as a couple from his side of the family. They don't even come to holidays anymore unless it's just for pie. Before they were married he would send me a Christmas and Birthday cards but I haven't had one since their marriage. It makes me sad.

It's their loss and now I think I should pray for them and hope they are BOTH happy in the life they choose.