Relationship advice

[violeo]

I have been with my partner for 8 wonderful years. I love him tremendously and I know he loves me lots as well. My concern and worry for our relationship is regarding his ambition and sense of respect. I'm 31 years old and I had to drop out of college to move in and take care of my elderly ill and aging father. I have been fortunate in life to be adopted into a family that has the means to allow me to take care of my father and not have to worry about having a job (let it be known that I do volunteer during on Saturday and Sunday at a local animal shelter for free...because it's the right thing to do). My partner who is 34 just finished college in June and received a BA in philosophy. This was his 2nd venture into college (his first attempt was out of high school and he basically failed his first 3 year). My father helped him out on his 2nd venture; we paid for his classes, he moved in our house so he wouldn't have to pay rent, any bills he had (cell, health insurance, car insurance) we paid and the only condition that my father set in place for him was that he had to quit his job at Rent a Center where he was a manager. However during his summer break he did need to get a job and the money he made would be his and we would continue paying his bills. Rent a Center unfortunately would not flex on him going to school so he didn't really have an option either way. My partner was planing on taking the LSAT (he plans on going to Law School) in June but he slacked didn't study and postponed them till October. October just passed and he spent the whole summer not studying but sleeping in till noon everyday and going to bed between 2-4 am because he was playing his video games (not an exaggeration). When I tell him he needs to get up at a reasonable time and go to bed at a descent time (I get up at 8 everyday expect the weekends) He gets upset and says well what's a reasonable time. The summer job he had before at a local non profit office fired him as he would come in when he wanted and this summer his only job as he decided for us was that he would maintain our garden...which he did. Please keep in mind that he tends to do hard work on things he likes and gardening is his love. Mean while he never really helped me in the house doing the basic house hold chores, taking care of my father, paying bills, cooking etc. Once he was done gardening which was usually about 5 hours he would play in the garage with his wood working hobby till about 9 pm. He would then just come in eat shower and play video games. Through out the summer I would encourage him repeatedly to study for his LSAT but alas he did not. His excuse was that there have been issues in the house concerning my father that have kept him from studying (which is true). The problems with my father started in late mid August but again he has been "studying" since May. So now that he didn't take them he plans on taking them on June of 2015 which means he won't be going to law school till 2017. My Father told him in June that he would need to pay his own school loans when ever they came in. In the month of June when he graduated his family who doesn't have much gave him a very generous gift of $1,000. He knew he wasn't going to get a summer job as he planned on staying up all night playing his games, sleeping in till noon EVERYDAY, working on his woodworking and playing his video games. The money his family gave him lasted till July. I don't begrudge him spending money on him self but he bought tons of silly things that he definitely didn't need. Well today we received a call saying his first payment for his loan wasn't paid. When I approached him about this he wasn't concerned he just brushed it off saying he'll get a job soon and when he's in school again the wouldn't hound. I plan on talking to him about these issues and a few others that fall into his lack of ambition, views on his bills, and sense of responsibility so he can understand my concern. My fear is that I have addressed issues like this in the past but he just brushes it off, argues, or says (regarding his financial state) it's not our business. All that said am I over reacting thinking this could be a issue that could break our relationship apart or do I have a valid concern that I should address?

 

[Anna114]

You do have reason for concern. This has been going on for almost 6 months. I think you do need to talk to him. It will be one of those BIG conversations that all relationships have. Depending oh how he takes it, it could cause a rift. Before you talk to him ask yourself is this something I can live with? From what you wrote I think the answer is no. Hopefully your relationship can with stand it. I wish you luck and wisdom.

 

[Viteh]

Yeah, it sounds like you need to have a big conversation with him.

One thing to keep in mind, is that this may be hard to hear coming from you. You are lucky enough that you don't have to work, but he isn't. It's the kind of thing that can lead to resentment, and him not wanting to listen to you.

I'd try to approach the subject in the most understaning way possible, not in a "get it together or we break up" way, but closer to "I want to help you get organized, so you can get what you want". Maybe come up with some sort of plan for him from now til his exam next year. Offer to help him study or something.

I hope it works out for the best.

PS: Parragraphs man, parragrahps. Walls of texts are hard to read.

 

[stephk1981]

It sounds like your partner has really been blessed to have both you and your father to support him financially and emotionally throughout this time. I think maybe your partner is stuck in a rut of sorts. Obviously he has fallen into a somewhat unmotivated state. I do not think he is trying to intentionally take advantage of the situation or your good graces, however his behavior for the past 6 months or so still needs to change. He is a grown man and unfortunately you can encourage him to be motivated, but in the end he has to want to move forward for himself. Maybe law school was his original plan, but now he is changing his mind? As a previous poster said, you need to have a serious discussion with him. If you want to continue the relationship, as it sounds like you do...then ask him if his plan for law school has changed. If it has then ask him what path he would like to take now career wise. Gently remind him of his student loan obligation and just let him know you are worried about him in general right now and how much his directional path has changed. Also for your part think about what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. If he continues to be unmotivated, are you still going to be okay with him living there rent and bill free? you do not want to end up resenting him over this. Hopefully a talk will work, but be prepared if he does not want to or is unwilling to change. Decide before you speak with him what you are going to do if he does not go to law school. Maybe a condition of him staying will be him getting a job with the bachelors degree he just obtained or any job at all. Give him a set amount of time to do this....or on the flip side continue in the state you are in now with him. If you are allowing him to get by with the bare minimum, then why would he change? let him know what you need from him, if he is unwilling to work towards that, then maybe he is not the right partner for you. Good luck.

 

[dmwang9]

I agree with the PP who said that it sounds like your partner is stuck in a rut of sorts. Having been there a couple times myself, I know that getting unstuck can be a rather difficult thing to wrap one's mind around.

The first thought that came to mind after reading your incredibly thoughtful post is that since gardening and woodworking are two things that your partner loves, has he ever looked for work in those fields?

I'm a career high school high school teacher, and one of the things I always tell my students is that they should start thinking about possible careers by asking themselves what it is that they truly love to do, what they truly find rewarding.