Problems with Step Daughters Grades

[annie1995]

My Step Daughter moved back in with us last spring. We are planning a September 07 trip to WDW for the whole family. Our problem is she will be a junior in Highschool, and her grades which have never been the greatest are dropping do to her lack of interest in doing homework. She currently is holding an E in biology, a D in geometry, and a C in Literature. I cannot with a good feeling pull her out of school to go on vacation with grades like that. She has never gone with us before because she has refused to fly in the past, and wasn't living with us. I don't want to cancel our trip, because that would be punishing the rest of our kids for her lazyness, plus it will be our newest sons first trip and are planning the 1st haircut etc. We can't go in summer or on breaks off from school, due to my husbands employment. He only gets fall, dead of winter ect. to take off of work till he gets more time in. Any suggestions as to how we should handle this? Thanks!

 

[herodrx1]

That is a tough situation. If my child's grades were that bad I just couldn't take them out of school. Perhaps if you let her know that she will be unable to go with you guys unless she gets her grades up she will buckle down. Can you or your spouse spend extra time with her to help her out? Or is she just refusing to put out the effort?

 

[disneyjunkie]

Since she's living with you now, there's no way I'd leave her out of the family trip.

Are your schools closed during President's Week? If so, can your husband take time off then?

Could you plan a trip during Thanksgiving or Columbus Day? That way your daughter only misses a few days from school instead of a full week.

 

[IDoBelieveinFairies!]

I know it is never easy with children, throw in the word step and you have a whole new ball game.

When my daughters grades started slipping I told her, " there is no excuse you can give me that will justify these grades. You are bright and smart; so capable." I then told her that if the grades did not come up she could not join us on our Disney vacation, period. I never wavered no matter how much she whined (teachers were mean, did not listen, did not like her).
I then told her teachers, Kate is a smart student but she has chosen to spend her time on other matters than her homework. I told them she was on computer on IM programs, on her myspace etc. I told her teachers do not cut her any slack, or listen to her excuses. Kate has made the decision that other things were more important and her grades are reflecting that. I then went and got a program that literally logs every keystroke on the computer, how much time spent, etc. Last week I got my daughters report card and she has an 4.07. Tough love works.

 

[annie1995]

I really hate to leave her home but She is really not having problems from anything other than her lack of desire to do her homework. TV, boyfriend,drawing etc.Something has to be done, cause I can't pull her out with grades like that. She'd never get the missed work caught up. She told me that she hates studying . Didn't we all? She will lie to get out of it by telling you it's done, show you some work, which lots of times isn't what its supposed to be. It's so so hard to know exactly what assignments are, when they are due etc when they are in highschool. There isn't any communication from teachers to parents in the form of newsletters, emails etc.

 

[disneyjunkie]

What about going at another time? Can you go as soon as the school year ends?

 

[ilovejack02]

I am a stepmother of a 17 yr old boy who also lives with us and we have had our ups and downs with grades(and other things lol). What is your DH saying about this? I only ask because after many yrs of having that sweet boy in my life i have really learned that I cant be the one to discipline him about grades or anything really really big. I (we) have our house rules which he must follow, which also includes being respectful to me etc... BUT when he breaks curfew, grades slip and any other BIG things, his dad is the one that gets the job of handling what consequences there are because of his actions. After a cpl of yrs of family counsling with DSS and me listening to Dr. Phil (lol) ive finally learned to let dad make decisions like that.This wasnt DH's decision,but mine. I am his STEP mother and not his mom or dad. DH will of couse discuss things with me and I will talk to DSS about his grades, such as i know you are smarter than that etc... but in the end its all up to Daddy what happens.
Ive also talked to other Step parents that have had family counslers tell them the same thing it is best to let the bio parents make all BIG decisions on discipline.
NOW back to what you asked...As you can see we are going to WDW in Jan for the first time ever and DSS will NOT be attending because his grades are the PITS right now. He knew when I booked this trip back in July what the deal was. His mother and my DH both came to that decision and of course I agree with it.
She has a while to pull these grades up and she is old enough to know what happens if she doesnt. Maybe she will get on board!

PS!!! Your stepdaughter sounds just like my DSS in Junior high. He would spend more effort on lying about homework than it would have taken to do the work LOL.
His dad and mom and i started talking to his teachers each week, and heck sometimes twice a week to stop the lying. Thank God that workedand he did really well until this yr. Now he is a Sr. and Im not sure what he is doing, its kinda hard to follow him around and call teachers daily at this age.

 

[disneychrista]

First Question- Does she want to go? Second Question - Is there someone (mom, grandma, aunt etc) that she can stay with while you are at WDW?

If the answer to both questions are yes. Then this is the time to tell her that if her grades are pulled up to minimum of a C in EVERY class then she will not be able to go with you. It is a tough decision but in the end it is HER choice to improve her grades and go with you or to be a slacker and have to stay home.

If the answer to either of the questions is no, then you have to make a hard deicision. Pull her out of school so you can go, even with her low grades or make a family sacrafice and not go.

And last question what exactly is a "E?" Between a D & F? The only E's we have are in work habits and citizenship and it means excelent.

 

[MSSANDRA]

You know, even a "C' student will have a hard time missing a week of high school. Our DS is straight A and this is the last year we will ever take him out. In the high school that he will attend next year, there is no way even an "A" child would not strugle to catch back up let alone a "C" child. I really see no way that taking her during that time could work well for anyone. I do not have an answer but just something to think about.

 

[annie1995]

You know, even a "C' student will have a hard time missing a week of high school. Our DS is straight A and this is the last year we will ever take him out. In the high school that he will attend next year, there is no way even an "A" child would not strugle to catch back up let alone a "C" child. I really see no way that taking her during that time could work well for anyone. I do not have an answer but just something to think about.

That is what I was afraid of.... I wish there way another time we could go, but with my DH working where he does, our school breaks and summer vacation are years away for him to get off.

 

[annie1995]

First Question- Does she want to go? Second Question - Is there someone (mom, grandma, aunt etc) that she can stay with while you are at WDW?


And last question what exactly is a "E?" Between a D & F? The only E's we have are in work habits and citizenship and it means excelent.

Yes, she can stay at grandma house. In our highschools, E is the same as a F. Go figure .

 

[LaraK]

I don't have any step children, but I was a step child. A couple of thoughts. As a mommy, I would say that an important life lesson has to be taught...grades don't go up, you don't go....period. However, as a step child of a family where there were biological children that belonged to my mom and my step...I would say that you can not be the one to give that message...what the step child will hear is "wah wah wah...you're bad...wah wah wah...I love my biological children so they can go and I don't love you so you can't go". It's going to be a really hard conversation to have and it's not fair to you or your step daughter for you to be the one to have it. It's your DH's job to lay it on the line. You have an uphill battle as it is with a teenager new in the household who probably by definition has an enormous chip on her shoulder about everything. On the other hand, if you take her out of class when she is failing, I think you're doing her a disservice...in life there are consequences...better she learn that now than down the line.

 

[annie1995]

what the step child will hear is "wah wah wah...you're bad...wah wah wah...I love my biological children so they can go and I don't love you so you can't go". QUOTE]



That is sooo funny but very true

 

[IDoBelieveinFairies!]

I have to agree, notthe step-parents job to make the rules! There has to be communication between the parents and all adults need to be on the same page!

I have to agree with other posters, if you pull a failing child you are doing that child a dis-service, absolutely! Children have to learn that life is not easy and our actions have consequences. I do not feel the whole family should be punished for the actions of one, you give that child an incredible amount of power if you go down that path.

You could reschedule true, but like I said why punish everyone?

Stick to your guns though, she has to know that her education has worth!
She has to learn that she does too, ahh to be a teenager again,, NO THANKS!

My daughter lied to me too about her homework being done, she would show me assignments from previous months. She put so much effort into getting away with her ignoring her homework commitments that she could have wrote a novel with all the time and energy, amazed me!

THen the little darling after showing me a bogus completed assignment would say those magic words, "I love you mommy". such a brat at that time! I am just glad to say those grades are up, straight A's and communication is so much better between us. I felt really mean when I told her that she could not come with those type of grades, then her tears came and how I did not understand but I knew I could not back down on this battle too much at stake!

Good luck!

 

[ilovejack02]

My daughter lied to me too about her homework being done, she would show me assignments from previous months. She put so much effort into getting away with her ignoring her homework commitments that she could have wrote a novel with all the time and energy, amazed me!

THen the little darling after showing me a bogus completed assignment would say those magic words, "I love you mommy". such a brat at that time! I am just glad to say those grades are up, straight A's and communication is so much better between us. I felt really mean when I told her that she could not come with those type of grades, then her tears came and how I did not understand but I knew I could not back down on this battle too much at stake!

Good luck!

What is up with those kiddies??? LOL they work sooo hard at lying to us about doing their homework, and it would have been soooo much easier just to do it in the first place!!!! I know I pulled several stunts when I was a kid, but i never worked that hard at lying about my homework. It used to amaze me what my oldest DS would pull, even when he KNEW we were talking to teachers everyday.

 

[lee]

I agree with the earlier poster that you are not her mom, but her step mom. Her dad needs to be involved. I'm sure you are just trying to help, but ask yourself, if this was your biological child would you leave him/her behind and take the rest of the family? I would not. I don't think you are teaching her any lesson by leaving her behind. In fact, it could do more harm than good. Maybe what she needs is this trip to look forward to. I wouldn't let up on the school, but I'd cut her some slack with regard to this trip (which is an entire school year away) and see if that changes her motivation level. Good luck to you; you're not in an easy position. I hope you all make it to Disney together.

 

[ilovejack02]

I agree with the earlier poster that you are not her mom, but her step mom. Her dad needs to be involved. I'm sure you are just trying to help, but ask yourself, if this was your biological child would you leave him/her behind and take the rest of the family? I would not. I don't think you are teaching her any lesson by leaving her behind. In fact, it could do more harm than good. Maybe what she needs is this trip to look forward to. I wouldn't let up on the school, but I'd cut her some slack with regard to this trip (which is an entire school year away) and see if that changes her motivation level. Good luck to you; you're not in an easy position. I hope you all make it to Disney together.

I have to politely disagree with NOT leaving a child behind when their grades are bad. Yes of course we know that OP is not the bio mom, but Im just going to assume she is not making all the rules here. This doesnt sound like a child that is having problems because of a learning disability but sounds like a kiddie that is slacking because there are a whole lot more interesting things to do besides studying. Part of life is rules and the consequences we suffer if we dont follow those rules. I would think that 5 months would be plenty of time ( im guessing she gets the summer off, but i know not everyone does) to be able to pull up grades. She is getting close to college age and will be needing to take more responsibility for her actions.
I do stand by my original statement that stepmom needs not to be the one that imposes these rules though and if Dad and Mom dont agree then im not sure there is much OP can do. TRUST ME lol after 12 yrs of being with DH there are a few things Ive learned the hard way.
With all that being said, I do enjoy being having DSS in my life. Even though he has been a pain sometimes( and what kid hasnt lol) It has been a JOY to watch him grow up into the sweet young man he is today. (but boy i sure would wish he would do better in school )

 

[annie1995]

Thanks for all the replys! I do have to add that my DH does make all the rules, and lays down the law with her. I just stand back and support him. I guess I should have worded it differently when I wrote my first post. I sometimes forget the we's and replace them with I's when I write ! We have just been really struggling with this. Her grades stunk last year, and we warned her about it for this upcoming trip, and she swore she would do better, but now her report cards are showing otherwise. I sure do wish she would spend more time with homework instead of trying to get out of it .

 

[~luvthemouse~]

I know it is never easy with children, throw in the word step and you have a whole new ball game.

When my daughters grades started slipping I told her, " there is no excuse you can give me that will justify these grades. You are bright and smart; so capable." I then told her that if the grades did not come up she could not join us on our Disney vacation, period. I never wavered no matter how much she whined (teachers were mean, did not listen, did not like her).
I then told her teachers, Kate is a smart student but she has chosen to spend her time on other matters than her homework. I told them she was on computer on IM programs, on her myspace etc. I told her teachers do not cut her any slack, or listen to her excuses. Kate has made the decision that other things were more important and her grades are reflecting that. I then went and got a program that literally logs every keystroke on the computer, how much time spent, etc. Last week I got my daughters report card and she has an 4.07. Tough love works.

Good to know I am not the only one who watches every keystroke I have the same problem here, she will not come if there isnt some serious effort happening, period.

 

[learnhome]

Wow! I wish you luck!! I am a mother of three great children, and could'nt imagine leaving them behind. As a parent, you will go to great lengths for your OWN children, huh? You seem to "see" with tunnel vision.....but, throw that "step" in it - and boy, it is amazing how differently you SEE them! I only say that because I am a step daughter.......very painful sometimes!

This may not be YOUR daughter, but she is a part of the man you love, and a part of your own children, too. Try to see her in that light, and hopefully you can as a family work something out! By your posts, you seem to be a kind person, and I am by no means "slamming" you!! Step families are hard, but they CAN work


good luck!