Pray for the NURSES & DOCTORS taking care of my dad

[SplshMtn99]

Thanks gals. I'm feeling better talking to all of you.

 

[Disney Doll]

Dare I be brave here.

Give your dad a few days of slack. He has been hit between the eyes with a bit of news that will throw anyone for a loop. I know, I had 18 inches of colon taken out of me 14 years ago.

He is going thru the stages of denial. Right now he is wondering will it come back, did they get all of it, why me. He has also discovered that he is really mortal. He's not mad, he's scared !!!

May I recommend he consider chemo. There may be side effects but no where as bad as some others. I didn't even lose my hair.

When he goes thru with consultations with the doctor be sure you and his wife are there to ask a question. Even bring a tape recorder. I will tell you all of you will not remember half of what is said. You are right now emotionally charged.

Dad--- Relaxe, take a deep breath, and take one day at a time. Every day is a gift and it is now time to pause, give thanks they caught it. Those roses out there are pretty and smell good too. It's time to enjoy them. Give your wife (and family) a real long hug and tell her how much you love her. You will be surprised how much hugs will do for you. My wife is surprised at how much of a hugger I have become. Can't get enough of them.

Best wishes. You'll do better than you think!!!!!

While I agree with you in theory, it sounds like Dad has always had anger management problems. There are some folks who are just eternally mad at the world, with a chip on their shoulder, based, usually, on their life experiences and some innate personality traits. This is not new behavior for him, it is probably just magnified by his recent diagnosis, as you have pointed out.

That being said, the nurses and doctors will now how to handle him, but ultimately, the decisions for his care will be up to him, and the nurses and doctors will honor them. Denial, with a cancer diagnosis, doesn't get you too far, but if that what he wants, that's certainly what he will get.

I guess if I had a potentially terminal diagnosis, I'd want to be remembered as a good, reasonably happy person, not as someone who was angry and mean all the time.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm not a nurse, but may I chime in? Many years ago my FIL was in the hospital with cancer. He was a very nice and mild mannered man. His DD was not. She did not visit every day but when she did, she berated the aides and nurses who were caring for him for nonsense. That was something to be embarrassed about. We had to pull out the big guns and get her brother, (not a mild mannered man ) to convince her to let them do their job.

I think that the staff is able to cope with a patient going through this, but if you and your family are courteous I imagine they will be fine.

for you, though. It is not easy to watch a parent going through treatment, and even worse when you can't make all of the circumstances involved at least be as pleasant as possible.

 

[SplshMtn99]

While I agree with you in theory, it sounds like Dad has always had anger management problems. There are some folks who are just eternally mad at the world, with a chip on their shoulder, based, usually, on their life experiences and some innate personality traits. This is not new behavior for him, it is probably just magnified by his recent diagnosis, as you have pointed out.

That being said, the nurses and doctors will now how to handle him, but ultimately, the decisions for his care will be up to him, and the nurses and doctors will honor them. Denial, with a cancer diagnosis, doesn't get you too far, but if that what he wants, that's certainly what he will get.

I guess if I had a potentially terminal diagnosis, I'd want to be remembered as a good, reasonably happy person, not as someone who was angry and mean all the time.

I just want to clarify something. While you are right that my dad has anger issues, they mainly are exhibited to my mom -- continously. He can be pleasant at times (actually alot of the time) to my brother & I. And to the world in general...just about ALL the time. However, he will be nasty to my mom in public too. I think what hit me was that he was now doing this behavoir to doctors & nurses. People he would have been been acting sociable with previously - stometimes even funny. He doesn't live 24 hrs a day with a chip on his shoulder. Its just "special treatment" he reserves for a few special people. Its behavoir I've always been embarrassed about when done in public to my mom. (Not that I shouldn't be about it at home too.) But if you asked a stranger who just met him, they wouldn't have seen any anger.

I just got upset yesterday, because he was behaving badly to the hospital staff.....and that's hard for me to watch. In the past, if I was bringing someone to my house, I would warn them about how my dad can be towards my mom....since it catches people off guard & upsets some people or makes them uncomfortable being around a "marital" fight. If I was at the hospital, I would have warned them if I had even the slightest hint he was going to act that way towards them. I was just surpised what he was telling me he had said to them. Not to just one person maybe he wasn't getting along with...but several. It just upset me period. Obviously, this is a deeply involved problem on so many levels, it won't be fixed here. I've never exactly figured out why mom's his target. Actually, if given a chance to spend a day with my mom or my dad, my brother & I (& our spouses) would pick my dad over my mom. She's no bed of roses either. Yes, I have one screwed up set of parents.

But I thank everyone for their replies.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It can't be easy.

It reminded me, though, of what became a funny story in my husband's family. His dad's mom was in a nursing home, and at one point they made some changes to her meds. A few days later, my FIL was visiting, and one of the doctors stopped to talk with him. He said that perhaps they needed to rethink the medication again, since she was being really nasty to the staff. My FIL just said, no, it's not the meds - that's what she's always like!

OT, but my FIL "retired" and runs charters too (he'd been running them well before retiring too). I swear he works harder now than he did at his "real" job. Heaven help any nurse who someday comes between him and getting the boat in the water!

 

[SplshMtn99]

OT, but my FIL "retired" and runs charters too (he'd been running them well before retiring too). I swear he works harder now than he did at his "real" job. Heaven help any nurse who someday comes between him and getting the boat in the water!

OMG!!!! You sure have that part RIGHT!!!!!! BTW, he's a retired mechanical & electrical engineer (a whole other set of personality quirks there). And does work harder now than he did then.

Knowing him...and not being one to waste one minute working on something, just lying in bed there being unproductive is KILLING him.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

I hear you. My FIL is either working on overdrive or asleep. Does anyone in your family have access to a laptop your dad could use while in the hospital? Maybe he could feel productive if he's ordering things for the boat, checking out information on the latest regulations, etc.? My FIL is very involved in the RFA (Recreational Fishing Alliance). Their website is http://www.joinrfa.org/. Maybe he would enjoy catching up on all the fishing news?

What about working on lures? Not sure if he makes any of his own or not. Could some materials be brought into the hospital for him to work on?

 

[SplshMtn99]

I hear you. My FIL is either working on overdrive or asleep. Does anyone in your family have access to a laptop your dad could use while in the hospital? Maybe he could feel productive if he's ordering things for the boat, checking out information on the latest regulations, etc.? My FIL is very involved in the RFA (Recreational Fishing Alliance). Their website is http://www.joinrfa.org/. Maybe he would enjoy catching up on all the fishing news?

What about working on lures? Not sure if he makes any of his own or not. Could some materials be brought into the hospital for him or work on?

We brought the laptop with us when we visited, thinking he might want to look up some stuff. For a brand new hospital with waterfront views, we were surprised there was no access in the room. We asked if we could use our Sprint card, & they said we couldn't use cell phones, so no on the computer too.

For now, I'm in charge of keeping his email account cleared of spam so its not full so people can continue to book trips. Priorities -- ya know.

I'm going to look into using a computer again while there. I just find that hard to believe. I know some hospitals have in-room internet access. This is a brand new tower....it must have something.

Yes, he makes his own lures & rigs too. But with all the tubes sticking in him, I don't think he could manage that right now. He plays solitaire alot on the computer....and he didn't even want to do that. I left him a deck of cards in case he changed his mind later. He wasn't interested in doing anything.....reading newspapers or magazines. We walked the hallways a few times & he kept falling asleep. My mom said he didn't even want to open his mail when she brought. He told him to bring it all back home & the newspaper too.