people who expect siblings to be included in invite

[tekmom]

Took DD10 to see Ashley Tisdale on her mall tour on Saturday. Last week, DD asked if she could invite a friend. She invites her friend and she was excited to go. I spoke to the mother and told her we would be going to the mall several hours early, possibly shopping, having lunch and then 'camping out' for a good spot. She said it would be fine. Well, the day before, I firm up that we would pick up her DD around 10am. DH would drop us three off as he, DS15 and DS's friend had plans.

She then says that her DD7 was upset and wanted to go. DD10 barely knows little sister. I apologized that I couldn't take the other dd as I couldn't accomodate her in the car and that it might be difficult keeping track of three girls in the crush. I mentioned that perhaps her or her DH could bring little sister, as they would be home. She then says that little sis had a soccer game until 12:00. I told her that we would be going much earlier than that, as the show started at 1:00. She said okay and that was that.

The next morning I call to let her know that we would be by soon for her DD and she said that after discussing it, they decided her DD couldn't go with us. They preferred "the girls do things together", therefore her DH would take the girls after little sister's game.

So DD10 and I went alone. We had a blast, got a great spot, Great pics and DD got Ashley's autograph. DD's friend didn't get there til the last song. They couldn't find us in the crowd and we never saw them.

So it's Monday and I'm wondering if this is common. I would never expect someone to take DD or DS just because the other was invited. Has this ever happened to you?

 

[zalansky]

Hasn't happened to me but I only have small children. But I had to chime in and say that was some nerve of that parent!!

 

[NMAmy]

I'm mad on your dd's behalf that the other girl's mom bailed on you at the last minute. It was very rude. I'm glad you had a good time on your own.

I only have one child so I don't know if it's common. The parents of dd's friends have never expected me to take ALL their kids on an outing with us. I do have a sister who is 3 years younger--she did stuff with her friends and I did stuff with mine. My mom always told us that you don't get to do everything the other one does and we just lived with it.

 

[EthansMom]

That's a rude mom. Unfortunately, her DD is going to lose out on some opportunities if Mom keeps acting that way.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sorry...whack job mother there.

My DSIL has a twin and my DMIL used to do that to her. My good DSIL had lots of friends, my bad SIL had few friends so DMIL used to make the good one drag the bad along. All it did was make the good one resent the bad one, because the good one got fewer invitations because no one liked the bad one and everyone knew they'd be stuck with her if they invited the good one.

 

[Mkrop]

They preferred "the girls do things together",

I think that was very rude of the mom. I have not had this done for playdates but I have seen some do it in regards to sports if the kids are like a year apart. Many times I hear if they cant play basketball together on the same team we arent doing it. That drives me nuts, these kids are individuals not a pair. If they were several years apart or boy/girl you would not have that option.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

I know exactly what happened. The younger daughter was upset that she couldn't go. She complained to her mom and dad. Mom and Dad caved under the pressure. Many parents cannot handle telling a sibling that, "older sister gets this special outing and other times you will get special outings." Of course the parents could have let older DD go with you and take just the younger one with them later. Again, they kept them together to keep younger daughter happy. Sad.

I know that it is very important to be fair with your children, but the fact is everyone does not need new shoes at the same time. Everyone does not need to have a friend over on the same day. I do not understand why this is so hard for parents to convey to their children.

 

[PrincessPAC]

My boys are 3 years apart & my youngest son feels like he should be able to do whatever his big brother does. We are fortunate enough to have friends with boys right around my boys' ages (closer to my oldest DS), and they often invite both boys to do stuff with them. We, in turn, invite both of their boys to do stuff with us.

However, sometimes there are situations where only my oldest son is invited. Never would I ever think of asking if my younger son could go -- only if he is personally invited. My youngest son understands that he can't always do what his brother does, even though he stills gets upset sometimes.

OP, this situation is especially odd, considering that your DD did not even really know her friend's sister. I wouldn't let it bother me, though. You did the right thing!

 

[lillygator]

I would never dream of sending both girls....that is pretty rude.

 

[freckles and boo]

My girls are five and seven. I fully expect them to nurture separate friendships and help them with that goal whenever I can. I also expect that my older daughter will have the advantage making friends partly because she is involved in more activities and partly because our younger daughter is autistic and her social skills aren't as strong. Most of my older daughter's friends' parents are aware of her disability and have offered to include her on occasion. I usually say no because I don't want any resentment and because she needs a lot more supervision than most other kids her age. Being left out does hurt her feelings sometimes, but I try to make arrangements for her to play with her own friends. However, here on the block we try to encourage all the kids to play together. Just yesterday there were fifteen kids, including both of mine, having a great time playing in the leaves out front.

 

[Malificient Tater]

I think she was rude. And byt that age the child is old enough to know that she can't go everywhere with her sister, well she should know, but maybe she doesn't since her mother doesn't

 

[SamIAm21]

That sounds like a great way to foster resentment and bitterness between the two sisters. The older sister will never be able to do anything without the younger one? Sounds like a plan for disaster.

I'm glad you and DD made the best of it and were able to get Ashley's autograph! What a treasure!

 

[BuffettFan]

We have a situation like that...

My son has a good friend, who has a brother who is 11 months younger. The boys only do things together. If one is invited over, it is just expected that the other one is too. Even if it's only for an hour. It's weird. All the boys went out for the technology team at school last year (Yes, there aren't little boys....right now they are both 13) one son made it, and the other did not. Their mom went to talk to the coach, and explained the "both or neither" rule. The coach chose neither, and both boys missed out. We thought that would be a "wake up call" for their mom.....but it hasn't changed anything !!
As a matter of fact, my son called his friend and invited him to go to Fright Fest on Sat., but he couldn't go, because his brother doesn't like horror stuff.....and my son never mentioned inviting him !

I'm been in your position , and you absolutely did the right thing !

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That Mom was rude. I have 4 kids that are only a little over 1.5 years apart from each other. I would never do that. Just because one child gets invited doesn't mean they all should be. The Mom also should have called you and told you instead of waiting for you to call. I'm glad you had a great time with your DD.

 

[diskids2]

Wow...I agree with other posters....that Mom was rude! I'm glad that you and your daughter had a great time! I have two children and they are four school grades apart and I have had to explain to the younger one that his turn will come with certain "special outings".

 

[Celluloidgal]

I can believe it. It happened to us too. The mom said the EXACT same thing "the girls do things together"

Reminds me of our kids birthday parties that the siblings will come too. It would be one thing if they were invited or at least asked before dropping off BOTH kids. Great, now I don't have enough goodie bags for all the kids that were officially invited....(sorry, vent, got distracted, back to your regularly scheduled thread...)

 

[jaycns]

I think that was very rude of the mom. I have not had this done for playdates but I have seen some do it in regards to sports if the kids are like a year apart. Many times I hear if they cant play basketball together on the same team we arent doing it. That drives me nuts, these kids are individuals not a pair. If they were several years apart or boy/girl you would not have that option.

We do the sports thing. Our younger two sons are only about a year apart. I see no reason to chase after two basketball teams or two soccer teams or two whatever teams at a recreational level. So yes, I do always request that my two youngest be placed together. No league we have ever played with, rec., YMCA, park or church has ever had a problem with it.

In my opinion, it is silly to expect parents to run around after two teams in the same age bracket of the same league if they have two children that fall within those guidelines. Every league we have ever played with has had a space on the application form to indicate if you have a sibling you would like to be placed with.

And no, my boys are not a pair, they are individuals and even when they play on the same team, we treat them as such. When they reach the age/talent level that they are trying out for competitive teams, I would never expect a coach to pick both of them based on the talents of one. However, at their ages/recreational level of play, I see nothing wrong with it.

If my boys did not enjoy being teammates, then I would consider going to the extra hassle of double practices and games. Until then (or they reach a level where one is qualified to go on and the other is not) we will be happily signing them up for the same sports teams.

All of that said, the whole inviting the younger sister to the mall thing, WACKY! I wouldn't feel badly for a second, it's those parents who should feel that way. You do not invite a sibling along that has not been invited. Period. No matter how close or far in age the two siblings may be. I would be upset because your daughter could have invited another friend along had you been given a bit more notice.

It sounds like you two had a great mom/daughter time though! Those are really special too! So glad it all worked out for you guys!

 

[Poohgirl]

My boys are a year apart, and I would never impose on another parent like that! That is just crazy. I don't however, see anything wrong with asking to have them both put on the same sports team. As a single parent, I can't be with them both or get them to their different games at the same time, for the same sport, its just a logistical nightmare.

 

[Disneymaniacs]

What a strange mom. At least she asked you ahead of time and didn't put you on the spot when you came to pick up her other daughter. I'm glad you had a great time yourselves.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

That was one rude mom! And I feel badly for the sisters, as I'm sure there will be plenty of resentment issues fostered by that kind of thing as they grow.

My DS and DD are three years apart, but all of the kids on our cul-de-sac play together, even though there's a huge age spread. So, sometimes that means that one gets invited to a party and the other doesn't. It's just one of those things that they have to learn is a part of life. One of us takes the invited child to the party, the other has some great parent-and-child time with the non-invited one.

As for the sports issue, as long as both children are in the appropriate age bracket for the team, I see no reason for parents to have to manage two schedules when they could just have one. Obviously, when children reach a competitive level, that changes. But at the recreational level, let's keep it as easy for the parents as we can, lol!