Parenting advice needed??? Help!

[LisaR]

This was going to be my question as well...

But she also let him go to a friend's house even though he has been disrespectful, rude and misbehaved up until this point...once again why is he getting to have a life he he is being so awful

Punishing him today because he was rude and disrespectful two days ago isn't going to make sense. The time to handle that was then not now.

I view today as a new day. The OP'er has received some great advice on how to handle his behavior going forward. Cleaning his room would have been a problem yesterday or the day before. Today she gave him a very clear message: clean your room first, then you can go out. It worked. That is step one.

School is another issue. I would certainly look at that progress report as a red flag, but again, it happened in the past when the OP'er wouldn't have handled it properly. This time she talked with her son and emailed the teacher. Let's cut her a little slack and see if she can find a productive way of handling this better than she would have in the past. He still managed to pull off all A's. He was talking in two classes. I don't think that is earth shattering for a 12 y/o. She said she addressed it. Hopefully she laid down very clear consequences for what will happen if he does this again. I think it is the right step at this point. They don't have the greatest relationship and piling everything on at once isn't the solution.

 

[smitch425]

I wouldn't be overly concerned with the school comments unless it was something that had an impact on his grades. All kids talk in class at the wrong time at some point.

Last year in 1st grade, some kids were quietly singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It". DS, who has no "quiet voice", said to the other kids, "You're not supposed to say that word. It's not appropriate". The teacher (of course) only heard him, and had him flip his card to yellow. He got very upset and started crying. She called him up to her desk and asked him what happened. He told her what the kids were doing and she asked what word they said. He looked at her straight in her eyes and said "S. E. X. Y." He spelled it because he didn't want to say something inappropriate and get into more trouble. His teacher told me it took everything she had in her not to laugh. She let him flip his card back to green.

I think it is great that your son did his chores without issue. That is a positive step. You and DH need to come up with a suitable punishment and tell him what it will be tonight. That way he will know what is coming if he doesn't follow through on the promise he made.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Good grief is right!!! I guess taking his ipod, laptop, and xbox away indefinitely wasn't enough to begin with? I am trying to handle this in baby steps and better the relationship between me and my son.

I think that's smart, OP. Like I said, I think the first thing you need to do is try to work on being positive and calm before you you start disciplining. If your son is not in the right frame of mind, I don't think the discipline will work. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't have a consequence for bad behavior at school, but I don't think that's what you're saying, either.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Today she gave him a very clear message: clean your room first, then you can go out. It worked. That is step one.

Yes, a small step!
That is exactly what I got out of her post.

 

[Mkrop]

Good grief is right!!! I guess taking his ipod, laptop, and xbox away indefinitely wasn't enough to begin with? I am trying to handle this in baby steps and better the relationship between me and my son.

I dont recall reading here that you took that stuff away so that is a good step but I will still stand by the fact that if he is acting as awful as you claim on a daily basis, my son would be grounded until he started treating his parents and his sibling with respect.

A good relationship would be one that a child is treating the parent with respect.

Punishing him today because he was rude and disrespectful two days ago isn't going to make sense. The time to handle that was then not now.
I view today as a new day. The OP'er has received some great advice on how to handle his behavior going forward. Cleaning his room would have been a problem yesterday or the day before. Today she gave him a very clear message: clean your room first, then you can go out. It worked. That is step one.

School is another issue. I would certainly look at that progress report as a red flag, but again, it happened in the past when the OP'er wouldn't have handled it properly. This time she talked with her son and emailed the teacher. Let's cut her a little slack and see if she can find a productive way of handling this better than she would have in the past. He still managed to pull off all A's. He was talking in two classes. I don't think that is earth shattering for a 12 y/o. She said she addressed it. Hopefully she laid down very clear consequences for what will happen if he does this again. I think it is the right step at this point. They don't have the greatest relationship and piling everything on at once isn't the solution.

Well we will have to agree to disagree, my kid would not be going out, he would be grounded if he was treating all of us the way the OP has described.


I think the cleaning the room thing is a positive first step.

I think I would let the school thing go as well IF her DS had not been so disrespectful and that she is afraid of him. Talking in school does happen but to me it would be more of the same behavior she has been posting about.

I think parenting is hard and I feel for the OP, she has let this stuff go on for too long, but I dont know if she truly gets it either because after all of the posts about staying firm, she responded to the one about making her kid go for a run...um no, you need to punish the kid, and if that means the kid spends his days in his room until he earns back his privileges with respect and decency to the family then so be it, no electronics, no friends no NOTHING. It stinks for him and it stinks for me bc I have to be around to watch him but it is what it is.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think we all agree that control and discipline (including punishment) are needed here.
But, today, the OP is trying to sort thru it all, determine a new game plan, maybe collaborate with her husband... and then establish a new status quo... THEN - New Game Rules laid out for the boys.

The OP needs to step back, and proceed in the right ways...

And, in fact, if she had reacted (over-reacted) negatively in the WRONG way this afternoon, it could have ended up being very counter productive.

The fact that she did speak with him...
He was more submissive and understanding... He was more respectful, and he did make an attempt to put away his clothes, etc... as she asked.

I think that is about as close to a best case scenario as one could hope for.

It is good if discipline comes from a place of respect...
Over-reacting and NOT respecting one another seems to be a part of their issues.
That is not what the OP would have wanted to see today.

 

[luvsJack]

Good grief is right!!! I guess taking his ipod, laptop, and xbox away indefinitely wasn't enough to begin with? I am trying to handle this in baby steps and better the relationship between me and my son.

just a warning if you take everything and he has nothing to lose, you lose any leverage.

 

[NoSoup4U]

just a warning if you take everything and he has nothing to lose, you lose any leverage.

Lol! Speaking from experience?

 

[lukenick1]

just a warning if you take everything and he has nothing to lose, you lose any leverage.

Believe me, there is still plenty of things to lose......phone, friends, television, and we can make him start cleaning the house and working at our family business. Lots of leverage!!! No worries in that department

 

[lukenick1]

DS12 asked for his friend to sleep over tonight, my answer..."nope sorry". He asked me 3 more times, I still said "nope, you can watch a movie then hang out tomorrow". Its been a better day

 

[Turn the Page]

DS12 asked for his friend to sleep over tonight, my answer..."nope sorry". He asked me 3 more times, I still said "nope, you can watch a movie then hang out tomorrow". Its been a better day

One trick I use with DD7 is if she asks for something and I give her a time when she can have it or offer a compromise if she keeps asking I will tell her if she keeps asking she won't get anything at all. For example if we are at the grocery store and she asks for something and I say yes if she keeps asking for more things I will tell her if she asks for anything else then she will have to put the other treat she picked out back and she won't get anything at all. It usually nips the begging in the bud. You could try that technique some time. Of course my daughter is quite a bit younger than your son so it may not be as effective with him.

 

[luvsJack]

Lol! Speaking from experience?

Actually YES!!! Lol.

when I realized we had taken everything that would matter to ds, I figured out it wasn't working. That's when we started the reward system.

 

[jodifla]

Reward systems are much more powerful and effective than punitive ones. Get in the cycle of punitive reactions now, and you've got a downward spiral on your hands.

 

[Nancyg56]

Reward systems are much more powerful and effective than punitive ones. Get in the cycle of punitive reactions now, and you've got a downward spiral on your hands.

In my home we used both. I understand reinforcing positive behaviors by rewarding those behaviors, and we did that. We also made sure that the kids knew that there would be consequences for their actions. As much as you want to have your kids always respond to those rewards, they also need to know that breaking rules id not fun. As long as they know the consequence and are not blindsided, having a balance between the two really is a good way to teach them that in life, and not the safety of their own home, most rules broken do have punitive consequences. i preferred that they learned that in my home rather than testing those waters elsewhere.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...As far as the way older ds treats younger ds...how will I handle that? He is nasty, negative, hateful, physical, etc for anything little thing ds does. He never supports him, only puts him down. I understand siblings have their moments but I really feel like ds10 can't do anything right in ds12's eyes. It makes me sad. One comment ds10 made to me in private one night really pulled at my heart strings. He told me that his heart felt good when he saw his brother clapping for him when he made a basket at his basketball game. That was a rare thing believe me. How sad is that? My ds10 other than being stubborn and ODD is the sweetest most loving little boy who really has compassion for others and adores his brother. I cannot say the same about ds12. He treats us all like dirt

The part I bolded stood out to me. Is the ODD diagnosis new? Did your older older son's problems with his brother start around the same time you received it?

Something like that is hard enough for adults to handle, but a 12-year-old just may not be up to it at all. I can see this as something the 10-year-old gets a lot of your attention over, and it would be quite normal for an older brother to resent this and/or see it his sibling getting a "pass" he doesn't get. So, I absolutely second one-on-one time for each parent with each child.

I'd also like to say it's great to read that you're already taking some of the advice here. You sound like someone who is really trying to make things better for her family.

 

[Mandyjg20]

Op i think that you and yours husband should also do one on one time with each of your children as well.

 

[kellyg403]

The part I bolded stood out to me. Is the ODD diagnosis new? Did your older older son's problems with his brother start around the same time you received it?

Something like that is hard enough for adults to handle, but a 12-year-old just may not be up to it at all. I can see this as something the 10-year-old gets a lot of your attention over, and it would be quite normal for an older brother to resent this and/or see it his sibling getting a "pass" he doesn't get. So, I absolutely second one-on-one time for each parent with each child.

I'd also like to say it's great to read that you're already taking some of the advice here. You sound like someone who is really trying to make things better for her family.

And with the ODD, loose boundaries with little consequences are not a good thing.

I agree OP with all the suggestions you have gotten. You haven't said how long you have known about the ODD, but parenting changes are definitely needed for a child with this. Self Esteem is a HUUUUGGGE issue for these kids as their whole world can seem negative and always in trouble. You will have to change things to a more positive system. These kids are usually dealing with poor impulse control and definitely feel and do better when there are guidelines to everyday activities, rules etc. While they balk at them, they need them.

Kelly

 

[LisaR]

DS12 asked for his friend to sleep over tonight, my answer..."nope sorry". He asked me 3 more times, I still said "nope, you can watch a movie then hang out tomorrow". Its been a better day

I'm glad you stood your ground and I am glad your son respected that!!! I do hope you gave an alternative and you aren't just saying no for the heck of it. "Sorry, tonight doesn't work for us, but he is welcome to spend next Friday night with us if you behave during the week and earn it."

 

[LisaR]

The part I bolded stood out to me. Is the ODD diagnosis new? Did your older older son's problems with his brother start around the same time you received it?

Something like that is hard enough for adults to handle, but a 12-year-old just may not be up to it at all. I can see this as something the 10-year-old gets a lot of your attention over, and it would be quite normal for an older brother to resent this and/or see it his sibling getting a "pass" he doesn't get. So, I absolutely second one-on-one time for each parent with each child.

I'd also like to say it's great to read that you're already taking some of the advice here. You sound like someone who is really trying to make things better for her family.

I guess I am more shocked that it is the 10 y/o diagnosed with ODD and not the 12 y/o.

 

[lukenick1]

The part I bolded stood out to me. Is the ODD diagnosis new? Did your older older son's problems with his brother start around the same time you received it?

Something like that is hard enough for adults to handle, but a 12-year-old just may not be up to it at all. I can see this as something the 10-year-old gets a lot of your attention over, and it would be quite normal for an older brother to resent this and/or see it his sibling getting a "pass" he doesn't get. So, I absolutely second one-on-one time for each parent with each child.

I'd also like to say it's great to read that you're already taking some of the advice here. You sound like someone who is really trying to make things better for her family.

He has not officially been "diagnosed" but when we filled out the forms for ADHD the Pediatrician said not ADHD but sounds more like ODD.

The funny thing is here is that DS12 gets much more attention. He is the one who gets to do all the fun stuff. He is the one who gets invited to birthday parties, he is the one who goes to school dances, he is the one who gets to go to six flags with friends, he is the one who gets to roam around the neighborhood with friends, my little guy is dragged all over the place to DS12's games, practices, drop offs, pick ups, etc. You'd think it would be the opposite!