OT... still budget related.. I want to have another child but...

[mrsmiller]

Hi
We recently came from our vacation to Disney and while I was there I really started to think of having another child... A little background...

I am 41 yrs old and I have a condition called Pseudo Tumor Celebri (high pressure in the brain due to extra fluids) I have this for 17 yrs because I got worse I needed surgery to have shunts placed to help relieved the pressure in the brain, when I got pregnant with my 2nd child I spent the pregnancy in the hospital because my condition got worse( at that time I did not have the shunts) so while giving birth to my second boy (c-section) the doctor decided to tie my tubes because he thought he was saving me (that is what he told me when I woke up from the anesthesia) now I never spoke to him about having my tubes tied nor did I sign any paper to authorize this, I was upset but I understood him, to make this long story short I been thinking of undergoing in vitro; because this is elective is not covered by my husband's insurance which means that we will be spending a lot of money to have a child (with no warranties that we will have one) we will be using our savings and this means that for few years our vacations and extras will have to stop(No more Disney )also because of my age I have to decide this fast(I know that age is working against me )
I want to give this a try but would like to know if any of you tried in vitro after a tubal ligation and how long will it take as I only give myself a year for trying also is there a website that relates to women in situation like mine that I can go to for information and statistics so I can have a better idea and help me decide if I should even do this.
thank you all for listening
Linnette

 

[LoriKutchey]

Linette, so sorry to hear about your medical condition, I would think your first place to start would be to talk to a neurologist to see what another pregnancy could to worsen this condition, could it endanger your life in any way? Sorry I'm not much help, just sending lots of

 

[Lisa_M]

I don't know of any websites, but perhaps if you made a consultation appointment with a fertility specialist they could give you some odds of getting pregnant and carrying to term. The hard part about in vitro is that you have no guarantee. My cousin's spent about 30k on it and it never took. I'm not sure what their problems were, but I know she didn't have her tubes tied. In the end they decided to adopt.

I second the pp who said talk to a neurologist about this too. It sounds like you want another baby so badly, but you need to try to stick around to take care of the ones you have. It's important to find out how pregnancy could change or complicate your current condition.

Good luck, these are tough decisions, especially when you have a few things going on. You and your husband will make the right decision, whatever that may be.

ETA: Maybe ivilliage.com might have a board for to help you talk to others in a similar position. I know they have boards for every pregnancy and pre-pregnancy thing under the sun. I'm not saying it would be the most unbiased or accurate information, but it can't hurt to check it out.

ETA2: http://parenting.ivillage.com/messageboards
under Trying to Conceive & Family Planning there is a tubal reversal board, IVF board, secondary infertility and a deciding to try board, plus loads others.

 

[Shopping Queen]

What about adoption ? After many years of infertility we adopted a child and then two years later we had a child thru invitro . Let me tell you from experience I feel no differnt the way I feel about them . I just thank God everyday for my two precious children who are now 12 & 14 . We recieved our oldest when she was 2 days old and it was one amazing gift from the birthmother and God . May God bless you in whatever decision you make .

 

[Butwhyistherumgone?]

I think the adoption sugustion is wonderful! There are so many kids out there that need a good home!
Also, too much time may have passed but I would have talked with a lawyer concerning the doctor tying your tubes without consent just because he thought is should be done ! That is outragous! Now, I can totally see if it was to save your life but a tubal ligation does not save your life!
Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't have any advice but if you need a fertilty doctor I know a wonderful one. He is in Nassau but he is the best. I didn't have any fertility issues, but he was my OB for my first 3 children. Now he only does infertilty. I was heartbroken that he wouldn't be my doctor for our 4th. The reason I reccomend him is not only for his amazing credentials but for his bedside manner as well. He is easy to talk to, honest, and up to date on the latest procedures. Good luck with your decision. I too would talk to a neuro first to see the pros and cons.

 

[momx2]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I also have very dangerous pregnancies. I think your pregnancies sound more dangerous than mine. I have 2 healthy, beautiful DDs. A few years ago I had the desire to have another. It was a very strong desire. But then my OBGYN about flipped. At first I found that to be wrong of her, after all she is a mother of 5, why shouldn't I be able to have more children. Then I really thought about it.....my desire was just that, mine. How selfish I would have been to put my DDs through a bed rest pregnancy with the possibilities of mine and the baby's health being threatened, even our lives. While I was ready, willing and able to put my health and life at risk, was I ready to risk my DDs' mother's life. I realized it was purely selfish of me to do so. I still sometimes wish for another baby and it still crosses my mind, but I don't do it. I think adoption is the best route if pregancy endangers your life, and it sounds as if it does. Good luck in your decision, it is agonizing, I know.

 

[mommytobug]

My husband and I suffered through years of infertility prior to adopting our precious angel. So, I will give you some ins and outs. First, have a FSH level done. If your levels are too high, you are not a candidate. Also, I know that when I read about surrogacy, they said 35 was really top age that they would consider to be good for in vitro probability. You will have to endure shots that will make you moody, etc. I am not trying to be negative but just giving you the details. My FSH levels were too high at 26. I endured more testing and $$ than I should have. A simple blood test would have told I was menopausal. I know how it feels to want more kids and not be able to easily do that. So, my heart goes out to you. Adoption is a wonderful thing but only you know your heart. do think of your kids............would they rather have a sibling or their mommy? Tough choices we have to make being mommy's!

 

[Cyndo723]

My daughter has the same condition as you do. She was first diagnosed with pseudo tumor when she was a senior in high school. She has kept her condition under control for the past 7 years. However, one of the main things that she was warned about was sudden weight gain. A pregnancy would almost certainly complicate your condition. The first appointment you should make should be with your neurologist. If he feels that you could tolerate another pregnancy, then, and only then should you even consider it. You have others who depend on you, and you shouldn't jeopardize your health needlessly. I know adoption isn't always easy. My brother has 2 adopted children. But please do not make this decision on emotion alone. Make sure you are as well informed as you can possibly be before you make such a life altering decision. Good luck.

 

[neatokimmo]

How much will it cost? You can adopt from several places for about 18K. You get a $10,600 tax credit (not deduction, credit off your liability) and many companies give assistance.

Do you want to add a child to your family to nurture and love or do you have the desire to create life then nurture and love. Its something to think through.

I'm adopting from China. I'll have my baby's picture the first week of Oct (I think!) Yay for 12-05-05 LID (like 4 of you on the board knows what that means lol)

 

[Kimkimba]

I don't want to sound harsh, especially since my children are such total blessings to me.

But, I just had my last child and was due on my 41st birthday. The chances of that child having Down syndrome or another chromosomal abnormality was about 1 in 41, just based on my age. It goes up significantly after age 40. Not that I would love my child any less if she had born with Down syndrome, but just something to think about. I was worried until the day she was delivered.

And I am healthy, and this pregnancy wasn't near as easy as when I was younger.

And if a doctor had tied my tubes without my consent, I'm sorry but something would have to be done about that doctor. I had my tubes tied this time (my 4th C-section), and the doctor and the forms were very clear about what I was having done.

I think adoption is a wonderful thing! There are so many children who need a family to love them.

 

[grlpwrd]

I used to frequent the boards at Parent Place which is now operated as ivillage. I used to frequent the boards there because I was heavily interested in gender selection since we had 3 dd's and I thought we would never have a son. Definitely go to the forums there so you can socialize with people having your concerns and whom you can relate.

Best wishes to you!

 

[It's A Happy Day]

Hi
We recently came from our vacation to Disney and while I was there I really started to think of having another child... A little background...

I am 41 yrs old and I have a condition called Pseudo Tumor Celebri (high pressure in the brain due to extra fluids) I have this for 17 yrs because I got worse I needed surgery to have shunts placed to help relieved the pressure in the brain, when I got pregnant with my 2nd child I spent the pregnancy in the hospital because my condition got worse( at that time I did not have the shunts) so while giving birth to my second boy (c-section) the doctor decided to tie my tubes because he thought he was saving me (that is what he told me when I woke up from the anesthesia) now I never spoke to him about having my tubes tied nor did I sign any paper to authorize this, I was upset but I understood him, to make this long story short I been thinking of undergoing in vitro; because this is elective is not covered by my husband's insurance which means that we will be spending a lot of money to have a child (with no warranties that we will have one) we will be using our savings and this means that for few years our vacations and extras will have to stop(No more Disney )also because of my age I have to decide this fast(I know that age is working against me )
I want to give this a try but would like to know if any of you tried in vitro after a tubal ligation and how long will it take as I only give myself a year for trying also is there a website that relates to women in situation like mine that I can go to for information and statistics so I can have a better idea and help me decide if I should even do this.
thank you all for listening
Linnette

I/We elected to have a tubal after baby #2 for several reasons. I know your tubal was not elected but chosen for you but there are several things to consider:

* What would happen if you attempt & fail? Are you okay with attempt & fail?
* WHat would happen if you have a child with special needs? Many times siblings resent a spec ed. child and the parent because of the time dedicated to that child vs. them.
* What would happen in the case of the loss of the parent (you)? you need to consider it.
* What would happen in the case of the loss of you and you leave the spouse with 2 healthy children and either a 3rd healthy or possibly a special needs child?
* Do you want to use your savings on a maybe or look into spending it on an adoption that would be more than a maybe?
* How does your SO feel? Is he on board or does he have severe reservations. It might not be worth the stress on the marriage.
* How do the kids feel? Some have strong feelings 1 way or the other.
* You are just now getting some independence/adult life back with the kids in school. Do you really want another child or is this empty nest syndrome and the feeling will pass? Sleepless nights, diapers, bottles, teething, terrible twos, etc.

Definitely consult your specialists - neuro, ob, fertility, primary. Do basic testing 1st to see IF you would even be a candidate before going into more invasive, expensive procedures.

Only you know your heart of hearts and wether or not your family is complete. Sometimes it can be completed without the 9 months of pregnancy, hemorroids, and labor Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[mtblujeans]

When I had tried to have a second child with my husband, I had a miscarriage that lead to a DIC and I almost bled to death. We went to the doctor that basically saved my life and asked him if we could try again. After he got over the initial shock of our request, he told me it was up to us and he would be my doctor if we went through with the pregnancy with the understanding that I might actually bleed to death the next time.

We went through with it and I had a C-section to cut down on the bleeding risk. At the time, I guess I felt like I had cheated fate which was my right to risk.

Now, being in my 50's and looking back, I would not take that risk again. All of my children are almost adults, now, and I have grandchildren. My husband and I are planning our retirement and we have so much we want to do together after all the kids are established and on their own. I did not realize it at that time, but all those years ago, I put all these years since at terrible risk! If that pregnancy had not gone as well as it did, all these people in my life would have lost, too. And, it still makes me choke back tears to think about how my dear husband would have made it through if things had not turned out the way they did and have. All these years together we would not have had. All the plans, dreams, and hopes that would have melted away in an instant in time.

I can't even begin to address the 'what ifs' had we not had our second son. I am sure I would have always wondered what he would have been like had we not decided to have him. But, I also know that we wanted more children so badly that we probably would have adopted one or two more children, at least, had we decided not to take the risk we wrestled with.

No one can tell you what is right for you. But, as mothers and wives, we forget to look deeply at ourselves and our futures when these tough decisions come along. Is there more you want to do here on this planet? Perhaps get more education or travel some place you have not yet been to? Start a business? Build something? Is there anything unfinished in your life at all?

What more do you want for your family? For you and your husband? For your future grandchildren or your parents?

When you face a risk, such as you are contemplating, there is so much more to look at than just a procedure.

Best of luck to you and I know you and your family will make the right decisions for you.

 

[DawnM]

I am also 41 and really don't have a desire to give birth again, LOL.

But I do want one more child at least. We are starting the paperwork for a foster/adopt from the state.

We currently have three boys. Two are bio and one is adopted from China. I want a girl now if we can get one.

Some adoption agencies won't allow too many physical conditions, but foster/adopt often has very few restrictions on that sort of thing and you can get an infant or toddler and it is usually free!

Dawn

 

[Colinsmom]

You really need to consider the full spectrum of possibilities. Could you handle a twin pregnancy? IVF success rates at age 41 are very, very low using mom's own eggs, even at the best clinics, and of those that succeed, there is a high risk of multiples.

But I just think of your two boys and how hard it would be to be separated from you for the whole pregnancy (assuming you'd have to be hospitalized the whole time again). I'm sure that it would scare them. Would it make them resent the baby?

Have you considered being licensed as a foster family? You could foster an infant (and this can lead to adoption) - maybe that's something to explore in your heart as a balance between your desire to add to your family and your need to maintain your health for the children that you already have.

 

[Earstou]

You say you have shunts now, that you did not have during your last pregnancy.
Can you rely on those shunts to continue to work, or would the possibility exist that they could fail and put you in jeopardy? There are many people in my support group (for Chiari) that have had their shunts fail and they need them replaced. Could you go through the replacement surgery while pregnant? Since I don't have shunts, I don't know how often they fail, or anything about replacing them, but I think it's information you need to consider.

 

[rdevine10]

I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts....

If you are successful with the IVF, are you prepared for the possiblity, with a high risk maternal issue, that you could possibly be placed in a postition where you are forced to choose betwen your own life or your baby? Having had 3 high risk pregnancies myself, and only 2 live children, being told I should never be pregnant again, yes its difficult, and yes, there are times I want another baby. However, having already been in a spot where I was forced to choose my own health over a baby, I can tell you, the pain its brought me has been tremendous, and not something I ever wish on anyone.

I cant tell you what to do, but please consider all the possiblites and ramifications anotehr pregnancy could have on both you and your family. Adoption was mentioned, but I thought Id throw out the idea of surragucy as well....

Huge hugs.....

 

[mommytobug]

I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts....

If you are successful with the IVF, are you prepared for the possiblity, with a high risk maternal issue, that you could possibly be placed in a postition where you are forced to choose betwen your own life or your baby? Having had 3 high risk pregnancies myself, and only 2 live children, being told I should never be pregnant again, yes its difficult, and yes, there are times I want another baby. However, having already been in a spot where I was forced to choose my own health over a baby, I can tell you, the pain its brought me has been tremendous, and not something I ever wish on anyone.

I cant tell you what to do, but please consider all the possiblites and ramifications anotehr pregnancy could have on both you and your family. Adoption was mentioned, but I thought Id throw out the idea of surragucy as well....

Huge hugs.....

I would love to do surrogacy. I just want a house full. But, let me tell you, adoption or surrogacy are both options.

 

[EMom]

Warning: Reading this will not be fun.

Having your tubes ties has zero to do with IVF. You don't need tubes for IVF. You bypass them. I'm a 4 time IVF veteran, so I speak from my experience and that of dozens of friends.

Normally, I am very encouraging of women who wish to pursue infertility treatments, but I tell them to be honest about their odds and the risks. And in all honesty, your risks are extraordinarily high and your chances of having a baby are slim to none unless you use donor eggs.

When you read about celebrities having babies in their 40s, it all seems so easy. Sure, they had to use IVF, but you're willing to do that. What they do NOT say is that almost without exception, those pregnancies were achieved using donor eggs. And even then, the odds of a pregnancy were extremely low. IVF is expensive. IVF with donor eggs is outrageously expensive. At your age, even with donor eggs, it could very likely take several attempts to even achieve a pregnancy. We are talking a small fortune here.

Many IVF clinics will not even accept you as a client if you want to use your own eggs. You will....to be blunt....lower their statistics. They see a high risk 41 year old who wants to use her own eggs and realize their advertised "pregnancy rate" will be pulled down by accepting her into their program. Every cycle that she doesn't get pregnant, it lowers their percentage of success. No, they would rather have a 34 year old whose husband has a low sperm count, for example. "Donor egg" clients fall into a different category and they might be more likely to accept you if you'll agree to that.

Let me give you an example. When we first interviewed IVF programs, we rejected a very well-respected one that everyone was clamoring to get into. Why? They insisted I agree to implant 6 embryos. That's without knowing whether I was the sort of woman whose embryos would tend to "take" or not, since it was my first IVF. I pointed out that this would put me at great risk for higher order multiples and their very nonchalant response was, "Then you just reduce." Now I am pro-choice (please, no flames) but part of being pro-choice is that I CHOOSE to not get myself in the position of having to choose whether or not to reduce a pregnancy. They acted like I'd be returning a few unwanted items to customer service at Walmart. Pro-choice or not, when you've tried to get pregnant with no luck and a baby is all you want, the LAST thing you want to do is have to put yourself in the position of having to choose between reduction or risking the lives of all your babies. That's just foolish. I said I'd prefer to start with 3 embryos, and then if that was not successful, I could perhaps increase the number of embryos on subsequent IVF attempts. They pretty much said that if I was not willing to go for all 6, they didn't want me. I'd pull their statistics down. So what if I got pregnant with 4 and had to reduce 2? At least they'd get to show a "positive pregnancy" that month for their stats!!!! We kept looking until we found a clinic that agreed with our philosophy.

IVF costs a fortune. We spent a lot of what could have been retirement money, a few cars, a few college educations......any number of ways to look at it. But we wanted Baby #1. In your case, it is different. You are, in essence, "taking away" (college fund, etc.) from your existing children for the slimmest of possibilities of a pregnancy.....and a high risk pregnancy at that. At least if you were adopting, you'd be spending money toward more of a sure thing.....a baby you stand a much better chance of getting.

You are also risking your very life. If not that, you may spend a lot of time on bedrest or in the hospital, if you managed to conceive. After Baby #1, I never even tried for Baby #2. I refused to spend hours a day for days and weeks on end, driving to and from the clinic.....sitting in the waiting room.....getting blood drawn......ultrasounds done.....shots given.....eggs retrieved....etc., when I had a child to enjoy. IVF really can take over your life, especially when it is not succeeding and you must do it over and over. I was not going to turn my life over to it when my child deserved my attention. I decided to quit while I was ahead.

I don't say these things to be cruel or harsh. I truly do not. My heart goes out to you. I say them to save you from learning the hard way, after having spent your life savings, and realizing you have no baby to show for it. Because in all likelihood, that is it what will happen. Without donor eggs, the odds are almost 100% that it will not succeed. With donor eggs, they're still not good. With either, you'll spend tens upon tens of thousands of dollars. And you'll risk your health. God knows I can understand better than anyone the longing for a child. But if a child is what you want and need, there are other ways to achieve that. Please, for your sake and your family's, think long and hard about this. Good luck.