OT: Spirited Children

[Super Momma]

I have quite a vast library of parenting books, and the one I have found that is the most realistic and helpful one is a wonderful book called Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It is all about children that are "more", more sensitive, more energetic, more intense (etc). She speaks from the heart. She is so positive about having a spirited child. She never speaks negatively or places blame about having spirited kids and all the challenges that go along with them. Which is so refreshing, I am tired of being told that it is something that my husband and I have done that makes our boys spirited.

I have two very spirited boys (in very different ways) and this book has been a life saver. My boys challenge my husband and I daily (many times hourly).

Many methods and ideas that she writes about are practical and feasible to incorporate into anyone's lives. The ideas and methods are also things that you can start doing now and see the results immediately (and the results remain). I have found a lot of books have techniques and methods that aren't really practical or are so complicated. She has a spirited child (and a spunky child) herself, so she has been there.

I actually bought a copy and gave it to my sons' daycare for the teachers. Both of their teachers commented on how quick the boys (and the other students) positively responded to the methods. They were especially impressed with how easy the ideas were to put into practice. I have recommended to a few friends who kids are spirited (but in different ways than my kids are).

There is a workbook available as well. She also quite often does seminars around the USA and Canada. (Many times the seminars are quite cheap to attend).

The author has a few other books. They are great as well.

 

[churchpilot]

Keep in mind that you are raising a leader!!!!!! Our 7 year old is still very spirited and dramatic, but he has learned from our consistency and through real life consequences. It was very rough for about 1-1/2 years with him (I won't sugar coat it). It hit him right before his fourth year and we dealt with it up until 1st grade. His first grade teacher was instrumental in following through with our "system" and that is when he realized that it wasn't just mommy and daddy that had rules. His kindergarten teacher never got on board, so she got to see his "good" side all year. He will always be a questioner and a leader, but he has learned that his obedience is not negotiable or optional. He is truly happier and so are we. We had to write down expectations/rules and then enforce it. Spanking has not been an effective tool with either of our children, so we had to get creative. Again the most effective tool was using real life consequences. If in real life if I decided not to get up when my alarm clock rang, I would be late for work or even miss work. If he doesn't get up, he missed school and didn't get to make his homework up. That meant no playing that day and plenty of stuff to do around the house/yard etc. He decided school was a really cool place to be. If he decides to torment his younger brother, then he loses playing priviledges because he obviously does not know how to treat others. Along with losing those priviledges, he gets to read a book (or write one) about manners and respecting other people. Our house is also a "no whine" zone. If they whine about wanting "stuff", they get to spend a day at a soup kitchen or even helping clean up someone elses garage/garden. Then the 7 year old gets to write about it. He finally figured out we were not going to get worn down or run out of ideas and he has decided to get on board. Thank goodness. Good luck.

 

[Terry36]

Another High Spirited Child on my house! We have had many battles but I think I am starting to win the war. I just completed Active Parenting Now class and it was great! I will also look into some of the books you all have mentioned.

 

[baloo's girl]

I second reading Raising Your Spirited Child. It completely changed my perception. Another great one (that's short and easy to read) is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (long title, eh?). Anyway, my spirited daughter is 6 now. I like to say that she experiences everything with great emotion. When she cries, she wails. When she laughes, it is with great gusto. I'm a firm believer in gentle parenting (Attachment Parenting, etc.). What works for us is lots of prevention!! You have to be one step ahead. It's not so much about punishing, but setting the environment or circumstances up so that your child does not fail.

So, I know that I can't make shopping runs all day long. I give notice beforehand of our plans. I offer limited choices-which of these 3 outfits do you want to wear? I give warning of impending change (we're leaving in 10 minutes). I make sure she's well rested, and eating a healthy diet. When she seems to be having a hard time, then I know it's time to stop and give some extra attention. Praise and one-on-one time go a long way with her. (Just before I started to type this, she gave me a "make-over". She painted my toe nails, filed my fingernails, put lipgloss on, and did my hair with corker bows. I sure do look "pretty").

Anyway, once you've done all the preventative stuff, you might still have some melt downs. I always tryt o look for the triggers, ya know? But sometimes it's beyond our control. If at home and she's having a meltdown, I tell her its' ok to be upset. I let her have alone time to get her emotion out. Then we discuss it when she calms down. Sometimes, if it's a minor issue, I ignore it until she gets over it. And sometimes, you just have to tell it like it is, and be firm.

Having a spirited child can be a challenge. But it can also be a great gift-spirited kids will be the movers and shakers as adults. I can't wait to see what becomes of my sweet daughter. (btw-I have a wonderful son who's not so spirited, but he sure does adore his big sis).

Good luck with your daughter and hang in there. Having a supportive group to talk with can really help too. I hope that we've provided a little bit of that here on the DIS.