OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[NemoMOm]

The expense is not the issue for my mom. She has lots of money. She "has to have a life too" and therefore wants to go a visit her sisters and mine and therefore does not have the time off to visit us.

I did mention that a summer wedding on the weekend would be more convenient and logical if you expect someone to come out of town and was told that it saver her 500 and therefore it was better for her.

Apparently my $$ issues are of no concern to them. Also it would take 2 hours to get to the airport 6 hrs in flight, another hr to get luggage,get rental (we are 5 so we would need a minivan) and 2 hrs to get where we are going, so since it is Friday night we could not even pull DS out of the end of the week even if we could afford it.

I was also informed that though we would not be invited to the rehearsal, I would be expected to have a girls night (another words no kids) to help out in preparing the food. There would of course be lots of alcohol and food for me, but when I said I could leave my DH with 5 yr, 2 yr, and 5 week old in a hotel this also caused major drama.

Its just that my mom and I were close, talking 2-3 times a week even though she did not come and visit. Now, every time she calls its to fight about the wedding and not seeing her boys. I actually now dread her calls. So, when I got the email this morning when I've made it clear we can not go, I'm so tense and near tears because I know I'm going to get another call.

Tell your sister that if you come to the wedding, you won't be able to afford to get her a gift.

If you don't come, you will send her a nice card and $500. See what she says

Also remind her that you will have a 5 week old baby that will likely cry a lot during the ceremony and reception

Then tell your mother that if she can afford $1000 for airfare to get you to the wedding, she can afford to come visit you and see her grandkids.

Weekday weddings are a bit rude, IMO My SIL got married on a Thursday b/c it was cheaper for her, which meant my DH had to be there for the rehearsal on Wednesday which meant 3 days off from work and pulling my son out of school for 3 days.

 

[apnep]

I'm sorry...my mom just spent 2 weeks on vacation...I live 3000 miles from everyone. She has not seen her grandkids in 2 yrs and is really angry that I will not bring them out there.
...since I'm pregnant and have to pay for about 80% of hospital bill......rushed to the hospital by ambulance for breathing issues which is about another 3k.

I just know that this is going to cause another blow up as she likes to cause trouble.

Sorry, I'm so stressed and it felt better to tell someone other than DH

You know what, mom needs to come visit you instead of making you go up there. It's more economical that way. Also, why don't you tell them about all your expenses? They DO realize you will have a newborn right? And I'm sorry, but I wouldn't miss my kindergartner's first day of school for anything. That is a milestone event in his life you can't get back. If it were me, I would just tell them the facts and that it isn't going to be easy for you to accomplish being there even though you would love to, but you have a family that can't just be dropped when they click their fingers. I'm upset for you!

Ang

 

[NemoMOm]

You do understand that I have 10k in medical expenses. I offered to leave my DH, and 2 DS at home to fly out so he would not miss kindergarden. However, with 3 thousand more in medical expenses I can not afford it.

Wow, this is your sisters wedding. I am sorry but kindergarten is not that important. You need to be honest with your sister. It sounds like you are finding every execuse not to go and have no intention of going to her wedding so you should tell her now.

Regardless you will have to live with the consequences. If it were me and my sister didn't show up I think that would be the end of our relationship.

 

[cindycastle30]

That reallys stinks that your family has to be that way towards you. I don't think that you should have to try to fly with a newborn for a wedding. I really feel for you, I am standing up in my sisters wedding this Saturday, travelling from Wisconsin to Florida with husband and three sons. Every time I turn around there is another expense that she comes up with. I understand that it is the Bride's day but really that does not make them master of the universe and able to control everyones actions. I would send your gift and call it a day because going could end up being even more stressful than just staying away.

 

[NemoMOm]

Umm do you have children? I see no children in your pics, kindergarten with your first child is HUGE. I was still going to go until I received a very large bill to rush my son by ambulance because he could not breathe.

Wow, this is your sisters wedding. I am sorry but kindergarten is not that important.

 

[weewuvvdisney]

Just one question? How long has your sister been planning this wedding?

You are in a very difficult situation but until you give birth, you have no way of knowing whether or not you could attend. They should understand that.

Hope everything works out and settles down for you.

 

[deerhart]

I was also informed that though we would not be invited to the rehearsal, I would be expected to have a girls night (another words no kids) to help out in preparing the food. There would of course be lots of alcohol and food for me, but when I said I could leave my DH with 5 yr, 2 yr, and 5 week old in a hotel this also caused major drama.

*** someone please send these people an etiquette books. First off, being told that your expected to do something is not kosher. Either someone asks you to do something OR you volunteer to do something.

It sounds like they are asking you to host the preparation for the food for the rehearsal dinner that you won't be invited to?

This after having a c-section with a newborn?

um NO!!

With my wedding there were no expectations from anyone (except Daddy to pay the bills LOL ). If we needed help with something, either my self or my mother asked very nicely, or usually someone jumped in and volunteered before we even knew we needed help (my aunt did that with most of the decorations)

 

[java]

My brother got married in Miami. I had a 2 month old. We DROVE from nj to Miami for the weekend! Nobody was offering to help out with the cost and we just couldn't swing airfare in there with everything else.

So we drove. And had a great time. But I really love my brother and would do that again in a heartbeat. Nothing was keeping me from that wedding.
But if I didn't get along with him, I would have just send a gift and my celebratory wishes.

Only you know if this will bother YOU after the fact.
If at all possible fly out by yourself. That cost won't be that bad. And maybe stay with a relative? If you really want to go you will find a way to go. If you don't want to you will find every excuse not to.
It sounds like you don't want to go.

 

[mb_uh]

I totally understand. My sister is like this as well. I would just tell your mom that she knows where you are if she wants to visit and if she wants to talk about something else she can.

Life changes when you have kids. Chances are much higher that this will be your child's only first day of school then your sisters's only wedding .

Do not let others guilt you into what you know is right. Send what you want and let it go. People that like drama will find it no matter what and while it would be nice if you could go, you can not. I do not think you are making excuses but not willing to go into debt to satisfy someone elses demands.

GL

 

[Debbie Jean]

Wow, this is your sisters wedding. I am sorry but kindergarten is not that important. You need to be honest with your sister. It sounds like you are finding every execuse not to go and have no intention of going to her wedding so you should tell her now.

Regardless you will have to live with the consequences. If it were me and my sister didn't show up I think that would be the end of our relationship.

Wow! I mean... just wow!!

Did you actually read the original post???? OP has $8-9,000 worth of medical bills, a 2 yo, a 5 yo and at the time of the wedding a 5 week old newborn... after a C-section!!!

I think sis is the personification of selfishness, self-centered-ness and self involvement... did I miss anyl????... if she can actually not see why OP can't come to the wedding!

Personally I wouldn't want to have much to do with anyone, even family, if they could not muster even a bit of sensitivity to my situation.

 

[Debbie Jean]

Umm do you have children? I see no children in your pics, kindergarten with your first child is HUGE. I was still going to go until I received a very large bill to rush my son by ambulance because he could not breathe.

But there are some rather lovely wedding photos

 

[dallastxcpa]

Umm do you have children? I see no children in your pics, kindergarten with your first child is HUGE. I was still going to go until I received a very large bill to rush my son by ambulance because he could not breathe.

Yes, I have 5 children of varying ages. For two years my DH has been unemployed and I have been the sole bread winner. I also pay for our medical insurance which is over $1k per month and all deductible and co-pays. I know what it is like to pinch every penny and make it count. But I also know what family is worth and I would make it work somehow. Sure don't take your kids make that clear to your mother that it is not affordable and that if she wants the children there than she can pay for them to be able to make the trip.

As another poster said, would it be possible for you to stay with someone else instead of in a hotel? Get a ride with someone instead of a rental car? You could bid on your flight on one of the travel websites to save money.

 

[arihillfarm]

If at all possible fly out by yourself. That cost won't be that bad. And maybe stay with a relative? If you really want to go you will find a way to go. If you don't want to you will find every excuse not to.
It sounds like you don't want to go.

I think you missed the part where she said she'll have a newborn. Flying anywhere by yourself with a newborn after a c-section would be inadvisable. Babies need their mommies (for milk and much more) and going without another adult after major abdominal surgery would be a really bad idea.

If I were in this situation, even if there weren't any drama involved, I'd stay home too.

-Astrid

 

[deerhart]

I will also add that our kids' school specifically states that all children should be there for the first 2 weeks and for all parents to make plans to do everything possible to not take them out during that time frame

 

[java]

I think you missed the part where she said she'll have a newborn. Flying anywhere by yourself with a newborn after a c-section would be inadvisable. Babies need their mommies (for milk and much more) and going without another adult after major abdominal surgery would be a really bad idea.

If I were in this situation, even if there weren't any drama involved, I'd stay home too.

-Astrid

No I didn't miss that part. I have 4 kids and traveled with my newborn after c-section as soon as I could(and that was well within 5 weeks) I was suggesting going JUST HER. Not with the baby*of course only if she isn't breastfeeding. (which is why we drove to Miami I was and no way was I talking a newborn on a germy plane)
oh and after seeing all the "comments" by her mom and sister I wouldn't be going either. Really expecting you to cook for a meal you are not invited to?

 

[mybabesuz]

I had offered to go alone but with all the expenses I just can not.

Also the drama is really stressful as I do not like this kind of stuff. My sister loves to cause problems. After my fight with my mom, which my mom told her about, she called to inform me that my mom had just called her to add another week ou there. See, one of the things about the fight with my mom was that she could easily come out here because she can afford it where we can not, but she has visited other family for the last 2.5 years instead then has no time off from work to visit us. My mom never called her and is only spending 1 week out there. We are not close because this stuff happens with her all the time. In fact, when I was fighting with my mom, she said it was my duty to help my sister be a better person. She's 30!

Sorry, I'm venting again.

I think this says it all...
Just stay home.
Five weeks after having a baby is enough reason to just stay home.
It's not worth the stress.
It sounds like you are going to wish you hadn't gone anyways.

 

[MickMick]

What an awful predictament! Ultimately you have to do what is best for your family. By family I mean your husband and your children. If your sister wants you there that much, then she should offer some solutions to help you get there.

I would never inconvenience anyone that much for MY choices!

 

[MollyAnna]

OP, I feel for you! I'm sure you're emotions are running very high. I just wanted to say that I have one sister with whom I'm very close. We both served as maid/matron of honor at each others' wedding and basically helped each other with all the details. That said, there is NO WAY we would expect each other to do what your sister is asking you to do. If she was expecting a baby, I'd be making plans to visit her to help HER out (and vice versa). Certainly, I would not expect her to travel cross country with a baby and two other children who need her at home. When you grow up and have children of your own, you have to do what is best for them. Everyone else comes after them. And good for you for making the mature decision to pay all your medical bills instead of incurring more expenses for traveling. I'm sorry you are going through all this.

 

[Zeebs]

I am assuming your sister doesn't have children.

Pre kids I would have been gutted and very upset if my sister couldn't have come to my wedding.

After kids, I would have understood but also have been quite upset, regardless of whether it is "just a wedding" it is a big day in someones life and important that family is there to help celebrate.

Just as you shouldn't expect the wedding to be geared up to accommodate you your sister shouldn't expect that you can come.

Me I would make an effort to go. I live a 24 hour flight away from my sister but if she needed me and the baby and I were in good health, I would go, yes it would be a hassle and stressful but I would do it.

Kirsten

 

[robinb]

Just one question? How long has your sister been planning this wedding?

This is my question too. How long have you known your sister will be getting married in September? My other question is: How involved was your sister in YOUR wedding?

There has to be a middle ground here but everyone is too upset to find it. I would recommend that you offer to go with your baby, leaving the other two kids behind with your DH. It seems that your mom is willing to pay $1000 to get you there and that should be enough for your airfare, car rental and hotel room.