OT - FIL's disregard for my children's safety

[PrincessKsMom]

And, for what it's worth, your kids DID know better and apparently said nothing to grandpa.

I have to say, I agree with your entire post, except this quote. You're blaming an 8 year old for not standing up to grandpa when you're telling her mother not to?

By way of FIL stories, mine thought it would be fun to have my daughter, 3 at the time, copy what they were doing on Zoom, which was to balance a dime on her nose. She did, he laughed, she laughed, she choked on it. My MIL heard the commotion and began pounding her on the back and then she finally swallowed it. Took her to pediatrician, who suggested watching her "movements" for a few days; when nothing came out, to the hospital for x-rays. Apparently, I missed it. My FIL's comment -- I want my dime back when you find it! My MIL felt horrible because she was, in her words, "stupid enough to leave them alone for a few minutes" while she cooked dinner. Meanwhile, my FIL didn't even move off the couch when she began choking! This is but one thing that irks me, but I have to say, I really, truly appreciate them for all they do for us!

 

[tonilea]

I don't think you are wrong and I would be upset too.

But I think he will be left feeling like "no good deed goes unpunished". You will come off as critical, when it was you asking for a favor. KWIM?

 

[dfarner]

Thank you for all the responces and advise

I asked my DD about sitting up front and she said (much to my surprize) she didn't know that it wasnt ok We never have addressed it - they always sit in the back seat in the boosters and we never discussed with them why. Lesson learned on my part. She just thought it was a fun thing Papa was letting her do.

For now I won't be using his "services" again and since I know how he is I am not sure I will say anything about it.( at least for now) I certainly will if there EVER is a need to have him pick them up again.

Oh and to answer a question someone had.... I had talked with him about the boosters the night before and told him how to use them, so he was aware of that.

I have learned several things from this.

Well then I definitely understand your frustration w/ what he did.

 

[Aliceacc]

I have to say, I agree with your entire post, except this quote. You're blaming an 8 year old for not standing up to grandpa when you're telling her mother not to?

How funny; I didn't think of it that way.

But here's what I meant: the 8 year old was there and (Ithought) knows the rules. (I know my 5 year old knows that she's supposed to be in a booster seat, and my 2 older kids know they're not allowed in the front.) Grandpa presumably didn't know the rules (again, at least based on my own experiences. My mom probably knows the rules (she picks up my sister's kids from school on occasion); I'm fairly certain my inlaws don't have a clue on them (since they don't live really close to any of their grandkids)). So the 8 year old could have remedied the situation by reminding grandpa of the rules.

Now, after the fact, there's no point. The OP sounds pretty sure that the issue won't come up again. There was no intentional harm done; grandpa didn't deliberately place the kids in danger, he just wasn't aware that the danger was there. Since it won't come up again, I'm not sure what would be gained other than hard feelings by bringing the subject up.

 

[rparmfamily]

I'd chalk this up as lesson learned and don't use them again. You could mention the 2 things you're upset about but I doubt it will go over good at all.

My FIL is a PITA who is coming to see me (with MIL) for 18 days in June and I'm already stressing out. They also blatently ignore my "rules" for my own children and do as they wish. It's no big deal to take my then-INFANT DD without a carseat, thru town, to visit friends. They badgered me and tried to bully me into letting this happen but I wouldn't allow it. My FIL's favorite thing to say to me is "where did you learn that, the internet?" What a jerk. GRRRRRRR

Sorry...going off on my own vent/rant!

 

[dfarner]

I'd chalk this up as lesson learned and don't use them again. You could mention the 2 things you're upset about but I doubt it will go over good at all.

My FIL is a PITA who is coming to see me (with MIL) for 18 days in June and I'm already stressing out. They also blatently ignore my "rules" for my own children and do as they wish. It's no big deal to take my then-INFANT DD without a carseat, thru town, to visit friends. They badgered me and tried to bully me into letting this happen but I wouldn't allow it. My FIL's favorite thing to say to me is "where did you learn that, the internet?" What a jerk. GRRRRRRR

Sorry...going off on my own vent/rant!

18 days?!? I'd rather walk naked through the Magic Kindgom on the Fourth of July before I'd spend 18 days with my inlaws OR my parents!! Good luck with that!!

Speaking of badgering, I'll chime in with a vent. This past Sunday we were out at my parent's house for Easter. All my siblings were there with their kids and they were riding this large dune-buggy type thing (not an ATV because it has a roll bar, but I'm not really sure what it's called), and my father, brother, and brother-in-law started badgering me because I wouldn't let my 6 year old DD ride it w/ my brother's 9 year old son. She didn't have a helmet and the thing scares the poop out of me as it is. I stood my ground (hubby wasn't with me) and they stopped for awhile, but then got back onto the subject about how I was raising a "baby". WTH?!? I work with kids that are paralyzed because of stupid accidents that could have been avoided, and you're telling me I'm raising a baby?

Okay....that's my vent for the day.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Aliceacc:

I see your point. I guess I was responding emotionally because this same sort of thing has happened with my own ILs. When my daughter was younger they would let her sit in the front after I'd repeatedly explained about an air bag's ability to kill a child, unsafe, etc. It would be "well, Nanny's back hurt and I couldn't lean into the car to belt her into her carseat because of my back; I had too much stuff in the back and I didn't want to have to move it all to the trunk", etc., etc. I made the mistake once of telling my daughter she knew better and should tell them she's not allowed, but that made her uncomfortable because she felt like she was sassing her grandparents, or was squealing if she told me the allowed it. I guess it's just a matter of projecting my own angst over my situation, onto the OP. Sorry!

BTW, it's not just the ILs. My mom took my daughter for vacation once when she was about 7 years old. They left my house at 10 a.m. and I didn't hear from them until 11 p.m.! I called her cell phone repeatedly, but it went to voicemail. I called their house repeatedly, but again answering machine. Once they called I WAS FURIOUS. My mother's husband likes to plan the heck out of everything, so they went to the boardwalk, to an ice cream place, a lighthouse... and my mom FORGOT TO TURN ON HER CELL PHONE! I was close to tears and debating calling the State Police to inquire about accidents, when they finally called. I ripped my mom big time. I told her if she ever did that again, she'd NEVER take her granddaughter again. Overemotional? Absolutely. Uncalled for? Probably. But believe me, it's never happened again. She was thinking I didn't trust her, but it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with not trusting the rest of the world!

 

[rparmfamily]

18 days?!? I'd rather walk naked through the Magic Kindgom on the Fourth of July before I'd spend 18 days with my inlaws OR my parents!! Good luck with that!!

Speaking of badgering, I'll chime in with a vent. This past Sunday we were out at my parent's house for Easter. All my siblings were there with their kids and they were riding this large dune-buggy type thing (not an ATV because it has a roll bar, but I'm not really sure what it's called), and my father, brother, and brother-in-law started badgering me because I wouldn't let my 6 year old DD ride it w/ my brother's 9 year old son. She didn't have a helmet and the thing scares the poop out of me as it is. I stood my ground (hubby wasn't with me) and they stopped for awhile, but then got back onto the subject about how I was raising a "baby". WTH?!? I work with kids that are BRAIN DEAD because of stupid accidents that could have been avoided, and you're telling me I'm raising a baby?

Okay....that's my vent for the day.

Isn't family great?

My IL's are coming for 18 days because we live in Hawaii and they live in Ohio and they wanted to make the trip "worthwhile" LOL.

They are also making comments about how they "will need us to rent them a car" (meaning we are paying for it) and to make sure "we have a real bed for them", because last time they came I didn't have a frame, just the boxspring and mattress and apparently that's not good enough for FREE ACCOMADATIONS IN HAWAII? Seriously...and they are commenting on the free food too. So let's see, all they (both employed, have mortgage paid in full) have to pay for are their airline tickets and we (keep in mind we are enlisted military and I'm a SAHM) are paying or providing everything else.

Family.

 

[bumbershoot]

Isn't family great?

My IL's are coming for 18 days because we live in Hawaii and they live in Ohio and they wanted to make the trip "worthwhile" LOL.

They are also making comments about how they "will need us to rent them a car" (meaning we are paying for it) and to make sure "we have a real bed for them", because last time they came I didn't have a frame, just the boxspring and mattress and apparently that's not good enough for FREE ACCOMADATIONS IN HAWAII? Seriously...and they are commenting on the free food too. So let's see, all they (both employed, have mortgage paid in full) have to pay for are their airline tickets and we (keep in mind we are enlisted military and I'm a SAHM) are paying or providing everything else.

Family.

Oh. My. Gosh.

 

[Aliceacc]

Aliceacc:
I guess it's just a matter of projecting my own angst over my situation, onto the OP. Sorry!

Please don't apologize. We all see these situations from our own point of view, based on our own experiences.

I had to laugh when I read your post; you DID have a point. I just never thought of it that way-- both my inlaws and my parents have always respected our parenting choices. So it's easy for me to see grandpa's point of view.

 

[Kriii]

While only the OP can decide whether or not it is worth the fuss to say something to FIL I agree with her not ever letting FIL drive them again. Did anyone hear about the case last year where an unlicensed day care provider left several kids in a running van which caught fire? I can't remember how many kids died in that fire. Can you imagine how many things can go wrong in this situation? Very glad the kids were ok.

 

[brenalexacamp]

my 1st baby and my mom's 1st grandchild-she was so excited to learn everything new about baby care
bottles, sleeping on their backs or sides, special soaps, and she would always ask me about foods and when he could have them

she used to call him "our baby" and I figured-she's my mom-she has his best interests-she can give him whatever she wants or dress him how she feels he'll be warm or cool enough

she emphatically told me she would never do anything without asking me-If i told her not to feed him green foods she wouldn't even ask why-I would have my own reasons for not wanting him to have it.
she would respect that-

i think not worth the hard feelings a confrontation can cause-just don't let them go again or say-last time the kids were unbuckled-that cannot happen again-maybe he was thinking such a short trip-or raining-didn't want to get the seat wet-or take the kids into the store-cold-he left the car running?

 

[NotUrsula]

BTW, it's not just the ILs. My mom took my daughter for vacation once when she was about 7 years old. They left my house at 10 a.m. and I didn't hear from them until 11 p.m.! I called her cell phone repeatedly, but it went to voicemail. I called their house repeatedly, but again answering machine. Once they called I WAS FURIOUS. My mother's husband likes to plan the heck out of everything, so they went to the boardwalk, to an ice cream place, a lighthouse... and my mom FORGOT TO TURN ON HER CELL PHONE! I was close to tears and debating calling the State Police to inquire about accidents, when they finally called. I ripped my mom big time. I told her if she ever did that again, she'd NEVER take her granddaughter again. Overemotional? Absolutely. Uncalled for? Probably. But believe me, it's never happened again. She was thinking I didn't trust her, but it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with not trusting the rest of the world!

Oh, I'm sorry, but I REALLY think you over-reacted on this one. You knew that she was with your mom, so why did they have to check in same-day?
If I send my kids off with their grandmother I trust her to do her best to take care of them, and I go into it with the expectation that they will call me if there is a problem. I make sure that MIL has contact info in case she needs it, but how often did you realistically expect them to check in -- every time they stopped the car? They called you less than 24 hours after they left, after all.

As far as the OP, I'm guessing that FIL didn't understand how the booster seats were supposed to work, and gave up on them, but didn't want to admit that to you. Teach the 8 yo how to install the seats and have her show FIL next time; he can check that they are tight enough after SHE installs them with her smaller hands. My MIL is a bit arthritic, she can't undo the buckles on the baby's carseat by herself, so we never send the baby without the 10 yo along. He does the buckles for G'ma.

The stopping and leaving the kids in the car is just a generational thing, and his destination might have had something to do with it, especially if you are critical of his smoking habit. If he went to a tobacco/liquor store to buy them, he may have felt that it was inappropriate to take the children inside, but not realized that it was also dangerous to leave them outside. In *his* day he probably would have stayed out in the truck and sent the 8 yo in to get the cigarettes, so at least he didn't do that; well, probably couldn't with current tobacoo purchase laws. I think that telling him horror stories about people getting arrested for leaving grade-schoolers in cars should be plenty enough to make it clear that this is not acceptable anymore. (Though it isn't illegal where I live, and I *do* leave my 10 yo in the car for short periods in cool weather, but with the doors locked, the engine off, and the keys in his hand. He is not the kind of kid who will pretend to drive, or get out of his seat while I'm gone; he's good that way.)

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Oh, I'm sorry, but I REALLY think you over-reacted on this one. You knew that she was with your mom, so why did they have to check in same-day?
If I send my kids off with their grandmother I trust her to do her best to take care of them, and I go into it with the expectation that they will call me if there is a problem. I make sure that MIL has contact info in case she needs it, but how often did you realistically expect them to check in -- every time they stopped the car? They called you less than 24 hours after they left, after all.

I'm sure I did over-react. However, it's an hour and 15 minute drive from my house to her house. I usually just ask that they call me when the arrive safely. That's all I ask. I usually call once in the morning to say good morning to DD and once at night to say goodnight, unless I know they'll be out late. Again, as I originally posted, it's not my mom I don't trust, it's the rest of the world. Accidents happen every day and it doesn't have to be my mom's fault. BTW, when I'm at my mom's house and I go home, I always call to let her know I've arrived safely, just a common courtesy thing. The only other thing I can say is my daughter-my rules.

 

[2 princes 1 princess]

I honestly don't think people understand how dangerous front seat airbags are for kids. I took a car safty class for my job and I learned that they can cause decapitation in kids because of the force.

Once I learned that, I freaked out. It's not just getting hit hard with a pillow, it can kill.

A friend of ours let our son ride in the front and when we explained that we are not just being overprotective and what can really happen he finally got it.

People who don't respect parent's wishes are idiots.

 

[Aliceacc]

I
People who don't respect parent's wishes are idiots.

OUCH!!

Sometimes people who don't respect the parent's wishes simply never knew the wishes or understood them.

I'm assuming that anyone a parent would leave a child with is not an "idiot"-- or it would make me wonder about the judgement of the parent. And let's remember: we're not talking here about hired help. We're talking mostly about grandparents who are several decades out of the habit of raising small kids. The rules have changed about just about every aspect of child care over those decades. Yet these grandparents are willing to give of their free time to help out harried moms and dads when necessary.

Should they be vigilant? Absolutely.

Are they "idiots" when they make a mistake? Well, I can't speak for other people's parents or inlaws, but mine most certainly aren't, even when they don't do things exactly as I would wish.

 

[Cdnmommy]

My two cents worth is to talk to him about how you feel. I had the same situation with my FIL and although it caused some bad feelings for a while I was firm in our rules (they disregarded and argued with me about car seats that were not installed properly numerous times) and it is now much better. I ended up being the "bad guy" but I don't really care about that....my childrens' safety is much more important to me.

If I were you I would explain to him that you had a talk with your daughter to review the rules (and I do not in any way think she should be responsible for telling an adult what is right or wrong, kids should not have that kind of responsibility) and also wanted to let him know that your children are not allowed to ride in any cars without proper boosters/car seats. I can see why people are saying to get info to back you up, but in my opinion you shouldn't need any - you and your husband are the parents and your rules should be followed no matter what.

Even if they were helping you when you were in a bind, safety shouldn't be ignored. If you told him about the boosters there is no excuse.

BTW - I am now know as the car seat Nazi in both of our families

 

[npmommie]

you nkow, sounds like you were in a bind and needed some help and he offered. I would say Thank you and don't ask him anymore if you don't like how he helps. I wouldn't bring it up to him, your DD was old enough to tell him about the booster seats and abotu not sitting up front.

If he didn't kill any of his kids in all those years, chances are he won't do it to yours either. I too am very saffety concious when it comes to my kids but when I need help, I am not picky about details. As long as I know they are safe wiht that person, I'm good.

Well the details here are that he put an 8 yo who is petite in the front seat. Airbags can kill adults........... My car is newer and the front airbag turns off if the front passenger is under 110 lbs. I don't know how old your FIL's car is?
but still.
the booster I could live without in the BACK seat.
but again the car running and the kids in the car.........you can just google how many times cars are stolen while left running with kids in the back.
uggh.
I would say something, because what if you are in a bind and you HAVE to ask for his help again.
just take from the standpoint of how times have changed, and you just want the kids safe, and you don't want him in any trouble either.
good luck

 

[momof4ngls]

Isn't family great?

My IL's are coming for 18 days because we live in Hawaii and they live in Ohio and they wanted to make the trip "worthwhile" LOL.

They are also making comments about how they "will need us to rent them a car" (meaning we are paying for it) and to make sure "we have a real bed for them", because last time they came I didn't have a frame, just the boxspring and mattress and apparently that's not good enough for FREE ACCOMADATIONS IN HAWAII? Seriously...and they are commenting on the free food too. So let's see, all they (both employed, have mortgage paid in full) have to pay for are their airline tickets and we (keep in mind we are enlisted military and I'm a SAHM) are paying or providing everything else.

Family.

Oh gosh!! Our families never stayed more than 10 days when we were stationed there. If they complained about the bed and food, I'd tell them they were welcome to buy us a headboard/footboard and I would be happy to take them to the commissary so they can buy some food.

As far as the vehicle rental, I'd find out prices for them! When we first moved there, we got a great rate from a place near our hotel, but later on I rented a vehicle from the Enterprise on Schofield when my vehicle broke down right inside the gate one day. They had GREAT prices and were so helpful!! I'd get prices and provide your inlaws with that information. Don't offer to pay for ANY of that! I do think providing them a place to sleep and feeding them is more than plenty for you to do!!! Our families always pitched in for food and if we'd had to rent a vehicle to transport everybody, they would have paid for that too, I have no doubt!

 

[rparmfamily]

Oh gosh!! Our families never stayed more than 10 days when we were stationed there. If they complained about the bed and food, I'd tell them they were welcome to buy us a headboard/footboard and I would be happy to take them to the commissary so they can buy some food.

As far as the vehicle rental, I'd find out prices for them! When we first moved there, we got a great rate from a place near our hotel, but later on I rented a vehicle from the Enterprise on Schofield when my vehicle broke down right inside the gate one day. They had GREAT prices and were so helpful!! I'd get prices and provide your inlaws with that information. Don't offer to pay for ANY of that! I do think providing them a place to sleep and feeding them is more than plenty for you to do!!! Our families always pitched in for food and if we'd had to rent a vehicle to transport everybody, they would have paid for that too, I have no doubt!

Well they bought their tickets today and called to let me know it was costing them $950. Ummm ok...it costs us more than twice that to get back to the east coast, LOL. (they are driving out to LA and flying out from there. Yes, they are nuts.) But anyway, they booked, they are coming and FIL wants me to plan everything. He wants to see a volcono and ride in a helocopter and sunbathe and see an "authentic" luau. I told him there isn't such a thing as an "authentic" luau on O'ahu but whatever. He did joke w/me about making sure my prescription was filled for valium because he's coming!!!!! (I don't take anything BTW, I guess he was making the point that at least he's aware what a PITA he's being.)

Luckily DH will be home from deployment...so I don't have to deal my FIL alone!