OT - DS, my family, and the violent movie

[bumbershoot]

... but I let my DS 6 watch it with us, fast forwarding through the "bad" parts. I feel my DS knows the difference between right and wrong and should not be murdering Padueens anytime soon.

I think the OP said that the sister put it on and left the room. That the parents came in the room as Anakin is murdering the padawans and didn't turn it off.

So, they didn't watch it with him, and certainly didn't FF through the bad parts.

Our son has seen all 3 POTC movies, but when there are moments that are too too too much (like the hangings in the start of the 3rd movie and the nasty nasty second big scene in the 2nd movie with the prison and the crows), DS turns his back and looks at us while we FF it. We're liberal AND protective at the same time. But I would never let DS just watch those scenes without one of us being in the room with him.

My relationship with my dad is weird, and all my sisters and I have the same feelings -- he is not a nice person at all, but he worked extremely hard to give us the best that he could. He doesn't show love very well and is extremely critical, but the only one who was ever the brunt of his temper was my mom. He is of the mindset that men do not deal with children, and still feels that way. So he has very little interaction with my kids, except for meal-time. Plus, in the past five-years, he was doing so much better. I thought he was mellowing out in his old age, and maybe he is, and was just in a bad mood that week. Honestly, he's probably much better than I make him sound out to be, but I have 33 years of baggage!!

Honestly, i'm not really sure how DS got so into Star Wars - DH is like, "Of course he is, why wouldn't he be??". I know many of his friends talk about it, and they play light sabres, and one friend has the lego starwars video game.

No worries; you may have figured out by the dad/Walkabout part of my post that I totally get weirdo fathers. I'm still in his life; he paid for hubby and my wedding, but I don't trust him with my kiddo right now! The dude, while living in Family Student Housing while getting his degree at UC Santa Cruz, told the kids in the neighborhood that he was cooking elephant foot for Thanksgiving. Was so convincing that even though he OFFERED to show the kids what was in the oven (plain old turkey...my last ever turkey before I went veggie), they didn't take him up on the offer. I still wonder how many adults out there are secretly damaged by the strange things my dad told them as kids while their parents were getting their degrees at UCSC...

Kids love Star Wars. I was 8, I suppose, when it came out, so brother was 5 or 6, and it was fabulous. We loved it, and sometimes when watching my son watch it I get small memories of why I loved it so much.

But I certainly wasn't watching Phantom Menace or the other 2 (I've forgotten the second and haven't seen the 3rd)!

Sorry- but kids can see more violence than the Star Wars movie by walking through the living room when the news is on. Do you block the news too?

Well, my mom did. I was born in 1969 and my brother in 1972, and call her crazy, but my mom didn't think that vivid, even if black and white, images of war were appropriate for little kiddoes. Since we're in a war right now, the news is off limits in our household, and has been for, oh, 7 years. (yes, before DS arrived)

Seeing a movie with small children being killed isn't what we are comfy with, even though the Kraken from POTC2 is OK with us, and various other scenes in the first 3 SW movies plus PMenace. There are some other "trigger" scenes for me, according to hubby, but he's saying that he won't be comfy (and please note he's nearly a Star Wars freak) with DS watching the 3rd movie until he's 17!!

 

[twooley2]

I think that those of us with older children see more of the big picture, stuff does happen that we can't control


I have to agree there will be bigger issues in his life for him to deal with and this is one time to talk things out and discuss meanings and the whys and hows at their level of course.

 

[perkinsrose]

OP, obviously you're aware of importance of protecting kids from media violence while they're young.


For those that don't think repeated exposure to media violence is a concern for young children, there's some info below to consider.


http://www.media-awareness.ca/englis...a_violence.cfm
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

from National Association for Education of Young Children
(highly respected association focussing on birth to age 8)
http://www.naeyc.org/about/positions/psmevi98.asp

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CHILDHOOD EXPOSURE TO MEDIA VIOLENCE PREDICTS YOUNG ADULT AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, ACCORDING TO A NEW 15-YEAR STUDY
http://www.apa.org/releases/media_violence.html
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Violence in the Media and Its Effect on Youth Violence
Surgeon General Report
http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/librar...ppendix4b.html
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Violence in the Media - Psychologists Help Protect Children
from Harmful Effects

http://www.psychologymatters.org/mediaviolence.html

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Effects of Media Violence on Children
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cniv...femedia_e.html
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


movie reviews

http://www.kids-in-mind.com/

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Sorry- but kids can see more violence than the Star Wars movie by walking through the living room when the news is on. Do you block the news too?comment.

Yep, I really only watch the news while I make dinner so usually they are playing. If they are helping me, I turn it off if it is bad. Now, I also call them into the kitchen if I think my kids should see what is on the news.

Why do I do this? When she was 4.5 my DD happened to see an Amber Alert. She asked about it. I wasn't going to lie so I told her about it. We had to go outside and look for a brown car with a little girl in it. She worried about that little girl for days! It wasn't a good outcome with the exception that they caught the kidnapper/murderer. I only told her they caught the bad guy, and she assumed the best. I did not correct her.

 

[Disneygirl26]

Sorry- but kids can see more violence than the Star Wars movie by walking through the living room when the news is on. Do you block the news too? And for your spouse to storm out of the house? I grew up in a house with 3 brothers and a Dad. Dad was very over protective. But a little science fiction never hurt anybody. I'm not talking straight out horror movies, but space flicks? I mean even ET has some "scary" parts where ET and Elliot get sick. Just make sure you talk to your kids about what is real and what is not and don't be a censor nazi. It's not all Mr. Roger's Neighborhood out there, and the minute your kid walks into first grade, he's going to be subjected to all kinds of influences that YOU WILL HAVE NO CONTROL OVER....unless you plan to home school him, that is. I do think it's nice that the force is strong in your little guy- good for him.

No flame suit needed here because not everyone has the same opinion and if the poster didn't want an opinion they wouldn't come to a public forum for comment.

I totally agree.

 

[surfergirl602]

Okay - I know what it's like to be scarred by a scary movie at a young age. When I was really little, about 5 or so, my babysitter's teenage son had the original Chainsaw massacre playing on the tv. To this day, (I'm 29) I still have that image of the scene I saw clear in my mind. I have not watched the movie but I can recall that gruesome scene as fresh as it was all those years ago. I feel for you. hugs!

 

[Princess-in-Training]

Sorry- but kids can see more violence than the Star Wars movie by walking through the living room when the news is on. Do you block the news too? And for your spouse to storm out of the house? I grew up in a house with 3 brothers and a Dad. Dad was very over protective. But a little science fiction never hurt anybody. I'm not talking straight out horror movies, but space flicks? I mean even ET has some "scary" parts where ET and Elliot get sick. Just make sure you talk to your kids about what is real and what is not and don't be a censor nazi. It's not all Mr. Roger's Neighborhood out there, and the minute your kid walks into first grade, he's going to be subjected to all kinds of influences that YOU WILL HAVE NO CONTROL OVER....unless you plan to home school him, that is. I do think it's nice that the force is strong in your little guy- good for him.

No flame suit needed here because not everyone has the same opinion and if the poster didn't want an opinion they wouldn't come to a public forum for comment.

Actually, no, my kids don't watch the news. I don't think they need to hear about the dad who drowned his three kids. We talk about current events - important things around the world and locally, but really, I don't need to hear about the dad who drowned his three kids either. We also talk about the realities of stranger danger and such, so no, I don't think we place them in a Mr. Rogers umbrella. He's watched the original Star Wars, which is a "space flick" - but that particular movie is much more than that (I don't know if you've seen it or not, or just have a higher tolerance for violence than we do). We all love ET as a family (DD included!) -- no objectional content in that one, IMHO. This is not about him being "scared" - heck, he still gets scared by the barracuda in the beginning of Nemo.

And i'm fully aware about what I have no control over. I am also aware of what i DO have control over. TV and movies are (at least, should be!) one of those things.

Additionally, DS gets completely overstimulated by things he watches - For example, he goes into a karate-kicking frenzy after watching Power Rangers! He's 5, he likes to act out the things he watches. again, not the point - I don't expect him to start killing his kindergarten classmates. but we also don't exactly encourage him to pertend kill anything.

Besides the content, it's the deliberate going against our wishes and my dad not caring at all, really, being smug about it as well (beyond the issues DS is obviously dealing with now!). um, and how did I become a sensor nazi anyway? We have one movie we asked that he not be shown??

I will take offense to this -- we are people who believe an argument is to be made when feelings are level-headed, not in the heat of the moment. We don't believe that having an adult tantrum is appropriate behaviour to model. DH leaving the house was ENTIRELY appropriate to get himself to a point to speak to my father, so please keep your rolleyes to yourself. That was just uncalled for.

I don't mind that some people think I'm over reacting. Please just keep in mind that what your family finds appropriate doesn't go for everyone. And, if you let your kid watch stuff, that's fine by me, they are your kid! Please just have respect for what other parents wish.

Eventually, we would have watched with him and have been there to answer questions -- and to ask questions as well, or just FF through the bad stuff (we do that with spiderman). And frankly, I didn't ask if I was over reacting or not, or even what to do (because, i'm not doing anything), I was just venting and looking for an ear. I'm not disowning anyone

 

[delmar411]

I think the OP is slightly over reacting but I'd be more angry at my child than my parents. I actually think the 'storming out of the house' was a very inappropriate reaction and your DS would learn a much worse lesson from that behavior by a trusted and loved adult than a pretend movie. (I think it is inappropriate because you paint the scene as a calm and happy moment that in just 1 sec turned your DH into someone so furious that he had to leave to get control of himself. The way that comes across seems odd.)

We have watched all the Star Wars movies a million times over at our house. It's just entertainment and not something we make a big deal out of. My kids don't setup scenes of death and destruction when playing pretend.

 

[MightyMom]

You don't need to justify anything to your parents, sister, or anyone here. This is a decision you made for your children.....and if you have every right to expect your parents to abide by those decisions.

Don't hold anything against your sister. She didn't know. Kids have a way of being very manipulative with their sweet charming ways.

And don't hold it against your parents either. It was clearly just poor judgement.

Try to let it go. Easier said than done... but in the long run you'll be happier.

That movie is also banned in our home. My boys know they are not allowed to watch it.

Some people are so careless with the things they allow their children to be exposed to in the media. To make themselves feel better, they call us "overprotective". I've run into this situation several times with friends.... but I see the difference in our children and I know I've done the right thing.

 

[Juliegirl1]

You have gotten some great advice. I'm 39 years old and totally dislike watching scary and gory and violent movies and my boyfriend loves them. He is always telling me that they it's fake and my response is that someone was sick enough to think of those situations so somewhere someone idiot will either try to reenact it or has already done so.

I can't UNSEE disturbing images and since scary movies give me nightmares and upset me, I won't watch them. Unfortunately children don't have the maturity to decide not to watch things that might disturb them because they just don't know how horrible people (movies, etc.) can be.

Many times I have banned movies in my home only to find out that my ex-husband has shown them to my son. I just try to ensure that my son knows that they are not allowed in my home and that I don't approve (talking to the ex doesn't work, believe me I've tried). Good luck!

 

[jewelshouse]

To OP

I'm sorry if you feel somewhat personally attacked. Every family has different values and opinions; I have found that this board is not shy about sharing those opinions.

Anyway, just wanted to say I completely understand where you are coming from, it's irritating but over and done with and you just needed a place to vent. I know I feel better when I vent and get it off my chest. Just remember that you posted on a public forum and some people are very opinionated and don't hesitate to disagree!

Don't take it personally because no one has the right to judge you until they walk a mile in your shoes. You are not disowning your family, just irritated with them.

 

[surfergirl602]

We simply do not watch the news. If I need current events, I read cnn.com. There isn't enough GOOD on the news to watch it anymore. We censor many things for our children. I just don't believe that my 5 year old should be watching the same things that i watch.

The opening scene from NEMO still scares my 8 year old! We have to skip past that part when we watch it.

ET still scares me to this day!

 

[dis75ney]

I think I reacted more to the Paduwan scene in Episode III than my DS7 did. I was tearing up because I knew what was coming (having seen the movie with DH when it first came out in theaters), and DS saw my lip quivering, snuggled over to me, and said, "Mommy, it's okay. You know this is a movie, right? It's not real...it's pretend."

It helped that DH and I sat him down at an early age and explained what was real and what was pretend. DS (5-almost-6 at the time) had a serious crush on Sarah Michelle Gellar (he has a thing for blondes ) and wanted to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We made sure he understood that BtVS was fake (and we also watched the musical episode first...it's a lot more light-hearted than some of the other episodes), and he made it through no problem. On the rare occasion we catch the news, we have to explain that the news is still real, even though it's on television, but he's starting to get the hang of that as well...

OP, just hang in there with your DS. He'll work through this...sounds like you and DH are doing everything you can to help him...

 

[perkinsrose]

Dkids don't typically watch the TV news either (or see it when I'm watching it). They get most of their info from books, magazines & nonfiction documentaries.

I do Tivo world news with Katie Couric for myself when i find time to watch it--when there's interesting stories I might show DS8 and sometimes DD6 but we avoid the terrible not-so-developmentally appropriate stuff.

They'll be plenty of time later in life to hear about suicide bombers and murders. Dkids know there are wars and fighting going on, but i don't think its necessary for them to see images on TV about it nor become desensitized to it.

 

[bellebud]

Plus, in the past five-years, he was doing so much better. I thought he was mellowing out in his old age, and maybe he is, and was just in a bad mood that week. Honestly, he's probably much better than I make him sound out to be, but I have 33 years of baggage!!

I remember reading that the saying "dirty old men" is a saying because it's true. I'm not saying your dad is a "dirty old man", but the saying means that as we age, some of us (and maybe men more than women??) lose inhibitions and boundries that keep us in check in society. (and so the *dirty* ones become dirtier, and thing nothing of it). We become more child-like again (this is true in so many ways), but with the boundry thing, the things your dad does (being smug about your ds not being scared) will probably get worse, not better as he ages. And again, I'm not saying it in a 'dirty old man' way at all for your dad, but the saying points out a loss of inhibitions, so someone like your dad, who sounds a lot like some men I know also (smug, always right, condescending...) may get worse. Meaning allowing your kids to do things you wouldn't, and being like "see??? it's fine". But still going against your wishes and not thinking anything of it. And sometimes it might be totally fine, and sometimes not. It's 100% your choice as a parent who watches your kids while you're not there.

And you have 33 years of first-hand experience, not baggage.

 

[lilybrooke14]

I watched both Jaws and Pet Semitary at a very young age with my dad. Bad judgment on his part. I had fears (we lived by the ocean and had a pool, and there were lots of parts of PS that freaked me out.) Despite that, I'm pretty sure there's no lasting harm. Innocense gets lost along the way no matter how hard we try to preserve it. It's the way you handle it from now on that will make the bigger impression. Both with the murdering of the little Padawans and showing your son how you forgive your family even though they made you mad over something that, in the scope of life, is trivial. And I don't mean that to be nasty, I just mean keep it in perspective.

Once when I wandered away from my mother in a store, she told me all about Adam Walsh on the way home. Freaked me out, but I didn't ever do that again. PP had a good suggestion, using it as a teaching tool.

 

[jjenniboo]

Sorry- but kids can see more violence than the Star Wars movie by walking through the living room when the news is on. Do you block the news too? And for your spouse to storm out of the house? I grew up in a house with 3 brothers and a Dad. Dad was very over protective. But a little science fiction never hurt anybody. I'm not talking straight out horror movies, but space flicks? I mean even ET has some "scary" parts where ET and Elliot get sick. Just make sure you talk to your kids about what is real and what is not and don't be a censor nazi. It's not all Mr. Roger's Neighborhood out there, and the minute your kid walks into first grade, he's going to be subjected to all kinds of influences that YOU WILL HAVE NO CONTROL OVER....unless you plan to home school him, that is. I do think it's nice that the force is strong in your little guy- good for him.

No flame suit needed here because not everyone has the same opinion and if the poster didn't want an opinion they wouldn't come to a public forum for comment.

I agree. My parents didn't really censor anything when I was a child and I do the same with my DD5. If she wants to watch a horror movie or a sci-fi we let her as long as there's no nudity. We make sure she understands ahead of time it's not real but if it gets scary she can cuddle with mom or dad or go play with her toys. Afterwards we remind her again it wasn't real and try to use that moment to discuss real dangers like fire or strangers.

 

[JeanfromBNA]

And i'm fully aware about what I have no control over. I am also aware of what i DO have control over. TV and movies are (at least, should be!) one of those things.

Besides the content, it's the deliberate going against our wishes and my dad not caring at all, really, being smug about it as well

I completely agree with you that it's your kids, your rules. What somebody else thinks about them is not germane. However, I don't think that you have honestly and fully acknowledged that you have no control over your father. You've described him as a tyrant, and tyrants like to have their own way. The price that you have to pay to have the kids spend much time with your mother is to appease the tyrant. If that price is too high, then the only choice that you have control over is to limit your children's exposure to your parents.

 

[surfergirl602]

I agree. My parents didn't really censor anything when I was a child and I do the same with my DD5. If she wants to watch a horror movie or a sci-fi we let her as long as there's no nudity. We make sure she understands ahead of time it's not real but if it gets scary she can cuddle with mom or dad or go play with her toys. Afterwards we remind her again it wasn't real and try to use that moment to discuss real dangers like fire or strangers.

 

[mrs.beast]

Well, slightly ot but when my 2nd child was 3 we sat down to watch a PG cartoon, Ice Age. It came highly recommended by a few friends of mine with kids. Well, we put it on and she realized that the animals were trying to eat the baby and freaked out. I mean standing on the couch screaming and crying, absolutely hysterical. I turned it off and it was even worse. We had to watch whole movie (thru tears and hugs) to see that the baby lived. She would not take my word for it.
i learned to always watch a movie first, then let the kids watch it. We never let the kids see a movie, even one geared to the kids, unless we have seen it first. We no longer take recommendations from anyone, except my sister who looks at movies thru my eyes even if she disagrees
So, the reason for my post is to tell the OP, while it may be difficulty now, he will eventually get over it and just use it as a teachable moment.