OT: Dating sucks!

[Maggie'sMom]

Completely off-topic, but I need to vent…

I hate dating. I’m so discouraged right now. A couple months ago I met this really great guy. We really hit it off. We shared lots of common interests and similar viewpoints on issues. Whenever we went out, he’d call me about 5 minutes after dropping me off to tell me what a great time he had. He was talking about introducing me to his girls, his friends, his mom. I was considering introducing him to my daughter. That’s a huge step for me. Since my divorce, I’ve never introduced anyone I’ve dated to my daughter. I’m so protective of her. But I really thought this relationship had a future.

Then suddenly over the weekend, something changed in his demeanor. We were supposed to go out on Monday night. When we talked Sunday, he didn’t sound as excited about it as he had in the past. Then he called Monday and said something had come up and his ex wasn’t going to be picking up his girls so he had to cancel. I understand about flakey exes and said “no problem, let’s do lunch later this week.” But he was non-committal about that. He didn’t call Monday night and didn’t answer my call. Same story on Tuesday and Wednesday. Yesterday I sent an email asking him what was up. No response. So I called him at work today. He told me he didn’t see a future in this relationship, that there was no spark. I just don’t get it. Every indication up until this weekend was that there were plenty of sparks.

I’m just feeling really down right now. I’ve dated a lot of people in the past few years, but this was the first guy in two years that I really felt something special with. I let down my guard and got really hurt. So now I’m sitting here at work, trying to cover up the fact that I’ve been crying for two hours.

 

[frtchr]

I'm sorry. I wish I had something more comforting to say. I know how much those things hurt.

 

[RMulieri]

I am so sorry, it is probably nothing you did , if he can't be honest about what the problem is or why things suddenly changed, then he has the problem not you.

 

[mikehn]

That sucks, sorry to hear it.

 

[sunnyday123]

that sucks, Maggiesmom....and this sounds totally cliched (sp) but it's not you, it's totally him. I have a male friend at work I bounce all my dating dilemas off of, with the promise of his totally honest opinion/comments. First thing he always tells me, guys are richards. 1) he is either hung up on the ex-wife or a past ex-girlfriend. 2) he does really like you, and that scares the bejezus out of him. So the easiest thing to do is tell you there's "no spark". That way, you can't hurt him. ( baggage from the divorce ) I've dated both of these types of losers. The last one (see #2) is now dating a woman with terminal cancer. NOW he loves her. All his friends see it clear as day, and it's sad for her. But it's his perfect "out".

Don't get discourged. And don't worry about being with someone. Go out, have fun, and enjoy yourself!

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Yes, dating does SUCK! I always hated it, the awkwardness, the getting to know you phase, and so much doesn't pan out...

But I gotta say, I agree with the PP's about this guy. Whatever it is that reversed his opinion, it sounds like the problem is his. And I don't know about you, but I personally would have rather my ex blown me off like that 2 months into our relationship, than let it take up 7 years of my life like it has! So maybe positioning it like that in your mind could help? Lord, I wish I could go back in time and pi$$ him off at the two month mark to chase him away beforehand!!

A book I'm reading about bad relationships made a good comparison, though it doesn't totally apply, but since you're dating it might be good perspective to keep in mind. When people say each person's gotta give 50/50 to make it work? Imagine you walk into a psych ward in prison and pick an inmate. Sit next to him and talk to him for weeks, and if the relationship doesn't work, the shrink still says "You should've tried harder". Well, it doesn't make sense in some relationships either. Sometimes, you can try 100% and it won't make a difference if the other person has issues/baggage.

Try to focus on the positive, and figure it's in your best interest to have drawn this card early in the relationship rather than later. When you meet the right guy at the right time, it will all click into place like it was meant to be. Hang in there!

 

[DevilDuckie]

Clearly there is an issue. Equally clearly, he is unwilling or unable to communicate it to you like an adult.

I am sorry he hurt your feelings and wasted your time. I'm not particularly sorry he broke it off because I cannot believe that you'd have been happy with someone playing teenage games.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Thanks for the hugs, everyone. I'm feeling better tonight.

I'm positive there is something more to this, and I'm pretty sure it has to do with his ex. He had told me he would call me last Friday morning and he didn't call until late afternoon. He said the reason was he was really upset in the morning and had spent a good part of the morning on the phone with his attorney's office because his ex had sent him a threatening email. But we talked for a little while and he still seemed very interested in getting together on Monday. The email from his ex was somewhat related to me. His mom watched his daughters one night so we could go out. He didn't try to hide this from his ex, but it p*ssed her off and she threatened to take him back to court over custody if he did it again. She had walked out on him (was/is having an affair with a married man) and their custody schedule is exactly what she proposed, which she only has the daughters Sunday afternoon through Tuesday. So it's a little disingenuous for her to make threats over custody when she got exactly what she asked for in the beginning. I think this trouble with the ex shook him up and made him hesitant about pursuing another relationship right now.

Plus, I did some digging tonight and discovered that his divorce wasn't final until early April, just about a week before we met. I'd never asked directly when it occurred, but he had implied that it was final 6 months ago. If I'd known it was so recent, there's no way I would have gotten involved. My feeling has always been that someone needs at least 6 months, and a year is better, after the divorce is final before getting into another serious relationship.

LittleRoo, I know what you are saying. I sometimes wish that something had happened for my ex to dump me or me to dump him when we were still in the early stages of dating. It would have saved me so much grief. But the downside is I wouldn't have my DD and I can't imagine life without her.

DevilDuckie, You're right about him not being able to communicate on an adult level. Did he think he could just fall off the face of the earth with no explanation? I've never been one to play games and his approach to this was just too high-schoolish for me.

Thanks again for your support, everyone. I have to say he had one huge drawback (outside of the stuff mentioned above): he'd never been to Disney and had no interest in going. Yep, definitely not the right person for me!

 

[buckler]

I have to say he had one huge drawback (outside of the stuff mentioned above): he'd never been to Disney and had no interest in going. Yep, definitely not the right person for me!

What were you doing with a man that doesn't love !?!?!? Next time, you need to make sure the guy has 1) a pre-existing love of all things Disney or is 2) easily brainwashed!

 

[Maggie'sMom]

What were you doing with a man that doesn't love !?!?!? Next time, you need to make sure the guy has 1) a pre-existing love of all things Disney or is 2) easily brainwashed!

I was working on the brainwashing part but wasn't getting far. If this had progressed, I was thinking I'd work on his daughters first. Get them excited about going (which wouldn't be too hard to do), then once I got him there, I'd work on getting the magic to take hold. Oh well... Maybe I need to try a personal ad: Disney-obsessed SWF seeks SWM with love for all things Mickey. Must enjoy long walks down Main Street, Dumbo, Space Mountain, Soarin', and eating in World Showcase.

 

[sunnyday123]

Thanks again for your support, everyone. I have to say he had one huge drawback (outside of the stuff mentioned above): he'd never been to Disney and had no interest in going. Yep, definitely not the right person for me!

You mean ON TOP of acting like a 14 year old....HE DOESN'T LIKE DISNEY?? You are better off without him sister. That is seriously one of my criteria. That and no hang ups and must have a job.

And what a scuzzy way to break up. Although, I had a guy break up with me 4 days before Christmas. For the same reason. After we dated for 9 months. L O S E R!!!

 

[Maggie'sMom]

And what a scuzzy way to break up. Although, I had a guy break up with me 4 days before Christmas. For the same reason. After we dated for 9 months. L O S E R!!!

Loser is a kind word for it. When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who broke up with me about a week before Christmas, then he wanted to get back together after Christmas break. Okay, I took him back. Lo and behold, he then broke up with me right before my birthday. Hmmmm.... a pattern emerged. He liked to break up rigt before gift-giving occasions, and get back together afterwards. What a cheap*ss! He made it real easy to dump him.

I got over a hurdle I was dreading tonight. I told my mom Chris ended it with me. Mom tries really hard to be supportive, but she has this knack for making me feel miserable. But she did okay tonight. She said the right things and didn't make me cry. Of course, the big test will be the fact that I'm going up to my parents' house the week after next, and I'm staying a whole week. I love my parents, but even under the best of circumstances they start to drive me up a wall after a few days. Oh well, I'll just have to pick up a six pack and a bottle of wine before I get to their house.

 

[sunnyday123]

I got over a hurdle I was dreading tonight. I told my mom Chris ended it with me. Mom tries really hard to be supportive, but she has this knack for making me feel miserable. But she did okay tonight. She said the right things and didn't make me cry. Of course, the big test will be the fact that I'm going up to my parents' house the week after next, and I'm staying a whole week. I love my parents, but even under the best of circumstances they start to drive me up a wall after a few days. Oh well, I'll just have to pick up a six pack and a bottle of wine before I get to their house.

hey.....is your mom my mom? Did she get on you about your weight and tell you that you have too much makeup on?? A whole week? Make it a 12-pack and two bottles of wine! ( I get the big econo-size Wild Vines Blackberry Merlot)

 

[Maggie'sMom]

hey.....is your mom my mom? Did she get on you about your weight and tell you that you have too much makeup on?? A whole week? Make it a 12-pack and two bottles of wine! ( I get the big econo-size Wild Vines Blackberry Merlot)

I'm pretty sure I'm my mom's only daughter, but I strongly suspect she has clones.

She doesn't get on my about my weight (she weighs more than I do plus I've lost about 25 pounds since my divorce ) and I'm a minimalist when it comes to makeup. So I don't have those two issues. However, she gets on me about how I raise my daughter. DD has this extremely stubborn, obstinate personality. I've found the best way of dealing with it is to allow her choices and to let her suffer the natural consequences of her actions. My parents don't get that. They view it was letting her do whatever she wants which is SOOOOO not the case. I've tried explaining the concept of allowing her to choose among options I've predetermined as a way of getting her to do what I want her to do while letting her feel like she's getting what she wants. But they still don't get it. And I have a system set up where DD loses privileges when she misbehaves. But the last time mom was here to watch Maggie she told me "I just let her do whatever she wants since that's what you do."

Yep, I might need to up that to 2 bottles of wine, at least.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

OMG...you have given me my own dating flashbacks. Its definitely hard-there are so many frogs out there! Childish frogs!! The sad thing is that they are in all age groups. After my divorce I had a good number of years in the dating circuit and it was terrible. I had men in their 50's play those same high school games and you just never know what the trigger is to make them flake out. Better you found out now before you allowed your daughter to be involved and potentially hurt as well. Hopefully the next guy you stumble on will have his act together.

 

[robertsmom]

I got over a hurdle I was dreading tonight. I told my mom Chris ended it with me.

I was reading your story thinking about how familiar it sounded. My last boyfriend did almost exactly the same thing to me. And mine was named Chris too! Weird......

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Keepmovingforward, I'm sorry for having triggered the dating flashbacks for you. Hopefully it wasn't too traumatizing!


Robertsmom, Now I have to be wary of men named Chris. I still can't bring myself to go out with anyone named Mike, my ex's name. Fortunately for the Chris's of the world, I know 2 men named Chris who are really great guys. One is a neighbor who has been incredibly helpful since my divorce. And the other is the husband of my best friend and he is just a great husband and father.

A male friend of mine took me out to a wine bar last night to try to cheer me up. We downed a bottle between the two of us, and I'm pretty sure I had well over 1/2 of it. I'm not a large person, not even 5'1" and only around 120 lbs. So I was really toasted. After I got home, I was so tempted to email Chris and let him have it, but luckily I resisted. I should have a breathalizer installed on my internet connection to ensure there will be no future drunken missives sent to any exes.