OT, but I don't really know where to turn, I'm in love with one of my best friends

Discussion in 'Gay and Lesbian at Disney' started by hopelesslyinlove, Mar 25, 2013.

  1. hopelesslyinlove

    hopelesslyinlove Earning My Ears

    Mar 25, 2013
    I'm sorry this isn't Disney related. I am a big DIS poster but I created this new account to keep this more anonymous. I just need some advice and you guys have always been good at that, you're where I turn to. And I apologize because this is going to be long.

    I think I'm in love with one of my best friends, we're both girls, and I don't know what to do about it and I'm not certain about how she feels.

    Let me start out by saying that until now, I have been mostly interested in guys. I still am. I'll say that I'm about 85% into guys, 15% into girls. I'm 25, I've had boyfriends who I haven't had much of an emotional connection with. One, we were together for over 8 years and another, I did have a good emotional connection with but he ended up using that against me and hurt me really bad. The 8 year relationship was one where we were engaged, everyone thought we were perfect but they didn't know that he was very controlling and verbally abusive. No one knew this. But everyone still reminds me about how perfect our relationship was and how we should be together still.

    I also had a sort of relationship with one of my best friends who was a girl when I was 19. We were always at each others houses and we messed around a little bit, like we'd cuddle, make out, and hands would wander. But it ended when she wanted more than that and I wasn't into that, I was more into the friendship and we had an exclusivity but I still wanted to date other people. She went to school across the country and I wouldn't move with her but we still talk.

    My friend who this is about, has connected with me on an emotional level, more than anyone ever has before. I'm a very emotional person but I'm very closed off about sharing my emotions. I'm a Cancer for those of you into astrology. I truly have to trust someone to open up to them. I also have a hard time trusting people not to tell my secrets and I really hate gossip and being talked about. She does too. Just as much as I do. So we keep our secrets to ourselves, when we go places we don't tell anyone, we like just hanging out with each other, etc. We are also very similar.

    My friend, let's call her Bethany, has had similar relationships in the past. She was with a guy who was the perfect guy except for the fact that he was physically abusive. She's really only told me and one other person this, so she gets constantly reminded about how she should be with him again. The other person she has told this to is a girl who she also had a relationship with. They kept it secret except for Bethany's family and their close friends knew about it. They accepted her being with a girl... and there are a lot of lesbians in the family, including her mom and two aunts, but she wanted to keep it a secret from everyone else so she's not out or anything. They are not together now because the girl was a drug addict and a thief and Bethany's family hated her. When it was clear that the girl stole Bethany's brother's iPod, she was kicked out of the house (she stayed there) and they broke up. Bethany said she kind of didn't care that they weren't together. I don't officially know this. She's told me that they messed around but she denies it to everyone and her family has been the one to tell me that they were together, not just messing around. But, she lightly mentions her lesbian tendencies in moments where it's clear that she's trying to tell me something but I'm too afraid to say anything.

    I've had crushes but they've never been like this. We text everyday. I make up excuses to text her and she texts me like she does too. If it's been a while, it'll be a silly question, or something she's already asked me and I know she knows the answer to. Her scent makes me happy. I'm wearing a shirt that I left at her house and she wore this morning and I can smell her and I love it. I'll go visit her at work, and sometimes I'll bring her food. She'll come visit me at work too, and she brings me food. When something happens to her, she calls me. When she needed to go to the airport, she called me. When she's drunk without me, she calls me and texts me. When she's at work and someone is there scaring her (she works at a coffee stand), she calls me. She constantly asks me to stay with her at work when she is off because it scares her. She asks me to spend the night sometimes too in random situations.

    Our friendship is relatively new. We've known each other for a long time but we've become close friends since October, but even closer when her friend was kicked out of her house in December. She remembers things about me that no one usually does, or things that are very little, or from a long time ago. Usually, I'm the one remembering the most about someone else but this is the first time that I'm out-remembered.

    She also constantly finds reasons to be alone with me. We have a mutual friend, who is very close with both of us. The three of us were supposed to go out to dinner but she found a way to get him to not go and have it just be with us. The next night, our friend and another friend went to dinner and she was invited but she backed out. I sent her a picture of us and then 5 minutes later she tweeted (paraphrased so you can't google it, haha), "I would rather just spend time with you." I don't have a twitter but one of the friends who was with us at the restaurant does and just happened to be on twitter when she tweeted that. At gatherings where it's us and a bunch of friends, she's always around me, and she's different. She quiet and doesn't say much but when she's with me, she's open and loud in a good way, and seems like she's really enjoying herself.

    We're around each other so much that some of our mutual friends actually think we're in a relationship, even though we aren't. And we're both messing around with other guys but I feel nothing for them. I think about her when I'm with them. I posted something like "I'm with him, thinking about you" on Facebook, but it wasn't said directly about her, and she sent me 3 texts almost immediately after posting that. Her relationships don't last long with these guys either, there's always something "wrong" with them and she's back with me.

    When I sleep at her house, we always cuddle. We always end up in a very intimate position with legs intwined and arms wrapped around each other. Last time, she told me she was going to be in her underwear and in a shirt without a bra but she still wanted to cuddle and if I didn't like it, too bad.

    I think I'm in love with her. I can't really tell if she's into me like I'm into her. I get nervous because if I tell her, I don't want her not feeling the same way and have our relationship ruined. My other hesitation, and this is a HUGE hesitation, is that she's 18 (birthday in September) and still in high school. I have only ever been with people older than me, so the fact that she's so young makes me feel very cradle-robbish. It's hard because she's more mature and because she looks older. But I still feel very awkward about it.

    I don't really know what to do about this. I need help! I can't stop thinking about her and when I'm not with her, I'm kind of miserable.
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  3. klr6773

    klr6773 Mouseketeer

    Mar 29, 2012
    Ummm..Sounds like you're both "there" to me! You're clearly reciprocating each other's feelings. Your "cuddling" routine (atleast in my eyes) crosses well over into the "more than friends" area,so it seems pretty obvious where she stands,unless shes completely playing with you,and it doesnt sound that way. At this point, I would simply take a breath and ask her to dinner.Bring her some flowers,go for a walk..have a nice dinner somewhere you wont run into people you know..and just have the conversation that you are dying to have. Keep it all off of social media (a pet peeve of mine)and see where the chips fall. Maybe its the nerves involved with "outting" yourselves? Been there, done that! You're young-she's younger. It's not like you're asking her to marry you,you're asking for step 1...actually,step 2 for you two since you've got the cuddling and flirting out of the way! Best of luck to you-life is too short to wait for all the pieces to fall into place. Move them on your own..
  4. gooftroop22

    gooftroop22 DIS Veteran

    Dec 21, 2007
    Interested to see the responses to this. I'm in a similar situation but the feeling isn't mutual I don't think.....
  5. sjv919

    sjv919 Mouseketeer

    Jul 24, 2012
    So reading your story was TOTAL deja vu for me. I was in this situation over a year ago now, back in 2011, with my now girlfriend. I was never really interested in women and when things escalated between us...we would cuddle and sleep over and take it one step further with kissing each other, but would never ever talk about it afterward. It was like nothing had happened, but we both knew it was happening, I was confused and scared because I had never felt that way about a woman before and I was pretty sure I was in love with my best friend. To keep a long story short, I did one of the scariest things I've ever done, texted her outright about what we were doing and that we needed to talk about it...so we did...and tentatively started dating and everything just went from there. We've been together for a little over a year now.

    The first thing I want to tell you is that you need to think very long and very hard about your friendship before you make any moves on the 'more than friends' front. You've dated before, so you know that the dynamics of a romantic relationship are different than the dynamics of a friendship (even if it doesn't always feel that way) and making a move on that front will change your friendship. Make absolutely certain, before you do anything, that you are ready for it to change and that you're okay with that change and taking that risk, because there really is no going back.

    Having said that, with no risk comes no reward. If you don't try, you will never know. Leaving it at friendship leaves a whole world of unanswered questions, unexplored possibilities, and untaken opportunities. At the same time, risks don't always work out the way we want them to.

    Most importantly, you need to talk to her about it. If no one has communicated, no one really knows what's going on. Before any advances or decisions are made, you should make sure that everyone is on the same page and is ready to talk about it and is communicating clearly and openly. Talk about your concerns, your feelings, anything else you feel should be out in the open in an honest conversation. That's the only way to solve this and either let it blossom into something more or set some boundaries between friends.

    That would be my advice to you, as someone on the other side of a situation like that. Taking a huge leap of faith into something I personally was so unsure of has played out beautifully for me. I was badly hurt by a boyfriend, as well, and the kind of love that comes from a friendship has truly been very healing for me. What we had before has continued on into our relationship and I've found a safe place to grow and heal from the past. I just want you to know that these things can work and can be okay.

    I hope you get some sort of help or at least comfort from my post and if you ever want to just talk about it or if you need help or anything, don't hesitate to pm me. Happy to help :)
  6. mrunn0080

    mrunn0080 Earning My Ears

    Jan 7, 2013
    A long time ago a really good best friend I thought maybe was leading to something more but when I asked him if he was in love with me, it turned out I was mistaken. He didn't think anything less of me after I asked and we continued to be best friends. It didn't hurt to ask but I wasn't quite ready for his answer.
  7. Puffy2

    Puffy2 DIS Veteran

    Feb 28, 2000
    Ok , here is two cents from an older person's perspective. (over 40) and been there/done that:

    What you describe is clearly a mutual attraction. There are no maybes about it. Now, whether or not the other person will admit it is another story and has nothing to do with you. (and all to do with their maturity or own personal issues).

    Like the first person said, it's time to have a grown up conversation - probably over dinner. Just put the cards on the table. If you are met with "Oh, I love you, but just as a friend". - fine. but tell them that that's great, but you will both have to start acting like "just friends" meaning no more cuddling in bed. No more anything that "romantic couples do". "Just friends" don't do those things. People who are gay do those things and people who are manipulative and like to play with other peoples' feelings do those things. You might give her some slack since she is only 18 (and confused, yada, yada, yada) - put you need to set the boundries so she becomes less confused.

    That will be hard for you because you risk loosing that wonderful smell/ connection with her. Painful I know. But it is definately the right thing to do if she rebuffs your affections. And you can move on...toward someone who IS available and who will really love you back - long term.

    Good luck.

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