Opinions on Foreign vs. Domestic Adoption?

[TinkerbellMama]

DISclaimer: This is very long and kinda rambling!

Okay, I have been thinking about this a lot lately, even though it's been at least a year since the issue first arose. Perhaps it's been on my mind since we are considering adoption in the future. I'd like your thoughts and opinions.
I have an acquaintance named "A" who adopted a little girl from China a while back. We have a mutual acquaintance named "J" who began telling me (even while A and her husband were still in the process of adopting) that she didn't think A and her dh should adopt from China since there were kids needing homes here in the US. Now, it is true that many American children are waiting, but I have to say that many of the children available for adoption here have special needs, and not every parent feels equipped to handle that if given a choice. I worked "in the system" and sadly dealt with many children who were adopted from foster care, etc. and did not show much improvement, although admittedly I wouldn't have seen the success stories in my line of work. A and her dh are first-time parents and A confided in me that she really did not feel she could handle a special needs child--be it an emotional, mental, or physical handicap. I understand that. As a biological mother, I would not CHOOSE to parent a child with a disability, but would embrace the situation if it presented itself. My brother has severe disabilities (both physical and emotional) and I know the drill. You go with what you have, and in the end it works out. Anyway, J thinks that is completely selfish on A's part and INSISTED that A should adopt domestically. (Not to her face, as far as I know! ) I explained to J that sometimes things aren't that easy, and inquired as to whether she felt foreign children didn't deserve homes as much as children here. I guess the way I see it is, ALL waiting children EVERYWHERE need homes, and if they can get a good match between parent and child, that is best for everyone. Still, J would not relent. Everytime I talk to J now (which is less frequently, for sure), and the subject of A comes up, she tells me how A just wanted the "status symbol" of international adoption, and makes rude references to Angelina Jolie et al. (For the record, I don't believe Ms. Jolie is doing a bad thing, either.) That is the furthest thing from the truth. A and her dh are wonderful people...both teachers...very caring. They would never do anything like that just to be "cool" or get attention as J has suggested. They desperately wanted a child, and were unable to have one biologically. After accepting the reality of the situation, they turned to adoption and found the best fit FOR THEM. They are very happy with their daughter, and she is thriving!
I am wondering...do any of you feel as J does? I can't help but think that J is making something very personal into something very political. I know, I know...the personal IS political! But you catch my drift. Also, J has three biological children and as far as I know never had any trouble conceiving or bearing them. She doesn't understand the pain of infertility and the heartache of longing for a child for many years, facing disappointment after disappointment. I find it strange that she would choose to pass judgment on how another parent chooses to form a family. Her attitude seems to be, if you can't have a child biologically, you shouldn't be choosy whatsoever when it comes to adoption. I don't think she would've signed up to have three special needs children in lieu of her healthy kids, though. Maybe I'm wrong. Thoughts?

 

[gina2000]

What could be wrong with a child finding a home in which to be loved and cherished? Why should we create rules barring a family to adopt from anywhere?

It's not my business where you adopt from as long as it's legal.

 

[kdibattista]

I think J needs to mind her own damn business . People shouldn't talk about things they obviously know nothing about. Or let me rephrase... she can talk about it all she wants but until she has been through the research and the process, her opinion is pretty much worthless. And until J decides to adopt a child, she has NO RIGHT to tell other people where to adopt a child. Actually, even if she does adopt a child, she still has NO RIGHT to tell other people where to go to build their family.

Quite frankly, with that line of thinking... J would no longer be an aquaintance of mine.

ETA: ALL children deserve a home... not just those born in the US.

 

[antmaril]

I can't say on this forum what I think about J.

Our DS (20) is adopted from South Korea. He was three months old when he arrived and there are no words to describe how much we love this boy and how much happiness he's brought to our lives.

It's nobody's business why we adopted internationally and the bottom line is that every child deserves a loving home - period.

 

[Laura]

It's great that people adopt children, period. I don't care where they find their kids, as long as those kids are loved. That's the most important thing.

 

[belle&beast]

This just makes me sad. I have 3 sets of friends who have adopted or are in the process of adopting. Each situation is different and they made their choices based upon what was right for them. The first have 2 children they adopted domestically and though the adoptions are not truly "open" they have had trouble from the extended family of the birth mother of the older child. While wating to be chosen by another birth mother, they had been told twice they would be parents again. The first time the mother changed her mind and the second decided to choose someone else. This was heartbreaking and stressful for them and their older child.

The second couple adopted from Russia. They have not been home very long with their twins, but it seems to have gone very smoothly. The worst part was meeting the children and then having to come home for the waiting period.

The final couple is adopting from China and they have just received their referral and picture of their daughter. They are over the moon and their wait has been LONG!!!! They researched and decided that China was for them long before Angelina Jolie came into the picture. They knew they wanted a girl and the process at the time was only 9-10 months. It was right for them.

Every familiy is different and everyone's choices need to be respected. All of these couples have struggled with infertility and coming to the decision to adopt was life altering in itself. There are children all over the world in need of loving homes and families and parents who are ready to love them.

 

[mcgypsy]

My brother is an attorney and adopted internationally for legal reasons. In the US, birth parents sometimes have too many rights. There's a case going on right now that was on the FOX news website about a biological father trying to take a 4 year old away from the adoptive parents because he was never told about the child by the mother. Unfortunately, that kind of thing happens all the time. We all wanted to make sure that once my nephew was part of the family, we would never have to give him back. I don't think anyone from Russia is likely to come hunt him down.
Maybe if the rules in the US were changed....

 

[LindsayDunn228]

If J can't have a discussion with you without bringing up someone else's adoption decisions, I think she needs to get a life.

 

[Crankyshank]

You need to do what's right (provided it is legal and ethical) for your family, and if someone has a problem with it then they can kiss off.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

My brother is an attorney and adopted internationally for legal reasons. In the US, birth parents sometimes have too many rights. There's a case going on right now that was on the FOX news website about a biological father trying to take a 4 year old away from the adoptive parents because he was never told about the child by the mother. Unfortunately, that kind of thing happens all the time. We all wanted to make sure that once my nephew was part of the family, we would never have to give him back. I don't think anyone from Russia is likely to come hunt him down.
Maybe if the rules in the US were changed....

"A" mentioned this as one reason they chose China. She said she could not bear it if she raised a child for a while and then the birth mother or father took the baby back. I agree with her on that point; I have a family member who surrendered a child for adoption and decided two months later to reclaim the baby. This was AFTER the adoptive parents had already taken the baby out of state to visit relatives for Christmas! I cannot imagine the heartache of losing a child you cared for as your own in that fashion. They ended up with no child and a home full of Christmas gifts and pictures of themselves as a family. I don't blame A for hoping to avoid that scenario. She has hired someone to investigate her dd's "finding ad" (or something like that?) and see if her birth family can be identified, but odds are they'll never find them, and if they do, they won't be knocking on the door demanding the child back. That peace of mind must be really nice.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

If J can't have a discussion with you without bringing up someone else's adoption decisions, I think she needs to get a life.

I have to agree. Frankly, one of the most surprising things about this whole situation is that I really like "J" and think she's a wonderful person. I was shocked when she first stated her opinion of A's adoption plans and I continue to be shocked at how strongly she opposes foreign adoption. Wasn't expecting it and it seems out of character for her. Maybe it strikes a nerve for some personal reason of which I'm not aware?
I did finally tell her I absolutely disagreed and didn't feel she had walked a mile in those shoes, and that seems to have toned down her objections. For now.

 

[freckles and boo]

J needs to take in a bunch of foster kids and adopt one or two of them. Then she might have some credibility. Until then she is talking out her backside. I have two nieces who were born in Guatemala and I would never question my step-brother's decision. Heck, I would never have imagined him EVER wanting kids and now he has four.

 

[Tikicampers]

DH and I are considering domestic adoption in addition to the two kids we already have. DH says that he does not want to adopt from another country when there are children here that need homes. We think we would be able to handle a child with special needs (depending upon the severity), and we would like to adopt an older child. If we didn't have two biological children already, I would probably want a baby, and I would probably not be as open to a child with special needs. I have looked into this a lot, and will look into it even more if we decide to actually do it in the future. For most of the foster care children I've read about, their bios say they need to be the youngest child, so we'll be waiting at least until DD is in school.

All that said, that is our decision. We would not judge parents who chose to go the international route. I'm curious as to whether J has adopted any American children. If so, did she adopt a newborn (most newborns in the US will be adopted), or did she adopt one of the children sitting in foster care with little chance of finding a forever family?

 

[HappyMommy2]

I'm a mom to 2 through international adoption and 2 through birth.

I think you are handling J well.

When people are honestly curious about "why international instead of domestic?" I give an explanation about how the international process was a better fit for our family. I never put down domestic adoption. There are lots of ways to build a family and no one way is right for everyone.

If someone gets really self-righteous or snotty about it (which is rare) I will smile and say something like,

"How great that you understand the need for U.S. kids to be adopted. How many are you planning to adopt?"

or (if the person has biological children): "How did you ever decide to allow yourself to give birth to children when there are all those U.S. kids waiting?"

People usually get the point that building a family is a very personal matter.

 

[belle&beast]

If someone gets really self-righteous or snotty about it (which is rare) I will smile and say something like,

"How great that you understand the need for U.S. kids to be adopted. How many are you planning to adopt?"

or (if the person has biological children): "How did you ever decide to allow yourself to give birth to children when there are all those U.S. kids waiting?"

People usually get the point that building a family is a very personal matter.

This is a great response!

 

[Mkrop]

I think every family has to search in their heart for what is right when it comes to adoption.

Although I do feel that either having a child or adopting a child is a chance, you never know what health issues the child may face in the future.

A friend of mine adopted domestically 4 years ago. It was a roller coaster with two differnt birth mothers changing their minds, before the baby was born but my friend was devasted. They finally did sucessfully adopt a little boy but she was on pins and needles until it was all finalized. She said if she ever adopted again she would more than likely choose international bc the risk of the brith parents changing their mind is less.

A coworker of mine adopted a little girl who's birth mother(or I should say grandmother) changed their mind after she had the baby 2 weeks! Her daughter who was 6 at the time could not understand why someone took her sister and was it her fault! They have since adopted a little boy and all is well.

I think this is one of the hardest decisions any person has to make and they need to decide what is best for them! Maybe youe need to tell "J" of the stories of birth parents changing their mind and how hard it is to adopt domestically. I would like to think that most people would love to help a child from the US but helping any child is a wonderful gift as well!

 

[disneyjunkie]

While I agree with J, I think she's beyond rude and should keep her comments to herself.

I only have one child and he'll be graduating from high school in two years. I really want to have two more children, but doubt if that will happen.

If it doesn't, I plan to adopt when my son heads off to college. I've been researching and for me, international adoption is out of the question. There are so many kids right here in my backyard that need a home.


I believe this is a choice that each family should make without worrying about what "friends”, family and strangers will say/think.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I started to say what I think J is, but decided I better not.

Let's just say that had J been in a similar situation, she might feel differently.

Bottom line, she should mind her own business and be thankful for what she has. Let A worry about A's family.

Isn't it sad people going through this have to worry about what people like J are saying?

 

[BlessedMomOfTwo]

Here is what I usually tell people who comment about all the waiting children here should be adopted before anyone adopts from another country...

If this concerns you so much, please look into adopting one of these waiting children. There is not requirement that someone be infertile to adopt. I know several people who chose to adopt vs giving birth to a child because they are concerned about waiting children and felt it was important to give one of those children a home rather than have a child.

Would someone like to be told that they were not allowed to have a child because there are already children here in the US who need adopted? Of course not, they want to be able to decide for themselves to have a child or adopt. Adoptive parents are the same, we want to be able to decide for ourselves.

At the beginning of our adoption journey, we looked into Domestic adoption thru our local Children's Aide Society. The Social Worker discouraged us as we were going to be first time parents and as such perhaps not as well equipped to deal with some of the challenges the children might present. We ended up deciding to adopt internationally. While Guatemala wasn't one of our original choices, it was where we ended up.

Having come full circle now, I can see it so clearly. We end up where we are meant to be. Our children (who I believe with all my heart were meant to be our children) were in Guatemala and so that is where we ended up. It is where the road to our family led us. I refuse to let someone's ignorance belittle the magic of that... that we found our way to each other.

I also believe that people who feel that way place the value of an American born child over that of a child born elsewhere and that is honestly too sad for me to even think about.

Carol

 

[Pigeon]

I would also be one to ask J how many of these waiting children right in her own back yard she has adopted. I would also tell her that I think her decision to have biological children was extremely egocentric, selfish and ecologically unsound, when there are these kids right in the US who need families. Adoptive families are no more or less responsible for the plight of children in foster care than are biological families.

I've adopted twice from China. My kids needed homes every bit as much as US waiting kids. I've dealt with this attitude and obviously don't have any patience for it.