Open bar or cash only at wedding?

[Disney Doll]

Your concern regarding the bar isn't the money as much as it is the drunken relatives who may overindulge and ruin the day.

A cash bar isn't going to solve that. The drunks are just going to bring enough $$ to still tie one on AND talk about how cheap you are...not that one really cares what a drunk thinks, but you get my drift.

The MOG's dangling $500 like that's going to make everyone go "Oh OK" is a waste of time. Tell her to give it to the kids instead if she has money to burn. And her son is the one who is going to have to say to her "Mom, Fiancee and I have decided that this is what we want at the wedding." No need to go into the whys of "because we have a bunch of drunken relatives". He and his future wife have decided that that is what THEY want at THEIR wedding. Period. End of discussion.

If the MOG is overbearing, best to get her under control early in the process, and her son is the one who needs to do that. The message needs to be sent "You're my mother and I love you but if you put me into the position of having to choose, you lose". My DH had to send that message to my late DMIL when we first got engaged because she had a very strong personality. I watched VERY carefully to make sure that he stepped up to the plate with that, because I wasn't about to spend my life fighting with my DMIL while he stood by and watched and didn't support me. Because of his support, DMIL and I got along well, we had a mutually respectful relationship, I took care of her while she was dying like she was my own mother.

All that being said, I'm not seeing the problem here...the bridal couple an open bar for cocktail hour (someone run to the bar and get the bride a mojito while it's open) a champagne toast then soft drinks otherwise. If it works for them, it doesn't matter who else it works for. If guests arrive and don't like it, they can drink at cocktail hour, stay for dinner then leave. Or they can leave before dinner...even better.

The one thing I don't care for is inviting someone to my party and having them pay for something.

 

[trip]

Where I live the grooms parents pay for the Alcohol at the wedding. My inlaws did not want to purchase liquor ( other then for the shot dance) so they bought the beer, we took a bottle of Rum for my dad and I. Some of the guests went out and brought in Vodka, Rum or whatever, but no one complained.

Ok, I have to ask - what is a shot dance?

 

[anniemck]

My daughter just married in February and this was a big thing with her MIL. Daughter/SIL did not want a bar at all, they do not drink other than the occasional beer or wine cooler. MIL's family wanted the "PARTY", kids didn't want a DJ, MIL did. MIL was afraid that the family would not come if there was no bar or DJ. Finally kids told her, you want it, you pay for it, and she did. Bar was Beer/Wine only and for 3 hours. There was also plenty of water/lemonade/tea. The wedding was beautiful and a great time was had by all. The kids didn't have to pay for anything they didn't want, my ex and I didn't have to pay for things that the kids didn't want, and they are happily married. Can't wait to see them again in October.

 

[aprilgail2]

Ok, I have to ask - what is a shot dance?

I was afraid to ask- figured it was something like that dance thing they do for money I read about on here sometimes LOL-sort of like a stripper taking money to dance.

My daughter just married in February and this was a big thing with her MIL. Daughter/SIL did not want a bar at all, they do not drink other than the occasional beer or wine cooler. MIL's family wanted the "PARTY", kids didn't want a DJ, MIL did. MIL was afraid that the family would not come if there was no bar or DJ. Finally kids told her, you want it, you pay for it, and she did. Bar was Beer/Wine only and for 3 hours. There was also plenty of water/lemonade/tea. The wedding was beautiful and a great time was had by all. The kids didn't have to pay for anything they didn't want, my ex and I didn't have to pay for things that the kids didn't want, and they are happily married. Can't wait to see them again in October.

I can't even imagine a wedding reception without a DJ or a band- what in the world do you do for 4-5 hours if there is not music and dancing???

 

[Bob NC]

To most Dis'rs anything is tacky if it is not done EXACTLY the way they do it!!

If the object of the bride and groom is to limit the amount of alcohol at the wedding I think the idea of a cocktail hour is a good one followed by coffee/soft drinks, etc. with dinner and after.

Tell the grooms mother the next time she gets married she can have her wedding exactly as she pleases.

 

[Bob NC]

Do what you want. The fact is, if you make it a cash bar, people are going to talk about it.

I've been to many many weddings with cash bars. Nobody ever TALKED about it.

By the way, just WHO is going to talk about it and what are they going to say?

 

[lovelybellanotte]

When I got married (a year ago tomorrow!), we had a cash bar.

At first, my DH and I didn't want to have a bar at all, just a champagne and sparkling cider toast, but after realizing that we had about 2 hours between our ceremony ending and the beginning of the actual reception, we added a cash bar.

For us, this was the best way to go. We don't drink, and I just couldn't see my parents paying for something that we weren't going to benefit from anyway.

As you have said, your daughter and future son-in-law are uneasy about having alcohol served at their wedding. I think they need to make the decision that makes them happy. It's not up to anyone but them to choose what they do and don't want on their wedding day.

I would have your daughters fiancé tell his mother that they made the decision, they are happy with it, and if she doesn't like it too bad. She had a wedding day of her own.

 

[lovelybellanotte]

Do what you want. The fact is, if you make it a cash bar, people are going to talk about it.

In my experience, if you have to worry whether or not one of your guests is going to talk bad about your wedding, that's someone you shouldn't invite in the first place!

 

[lolainkent]

In my experience, if you have to worry whether or not one of your guests is going to talk bad about your wedding, that's someone you shouldn't invite in the first place!

That's really well put, and I completely agree

 

[Jaxs27]

I have been to a wedding where my husband was the best man and they only did a cocktail hour, like you are describing. It was odd to me. None of the bridal party got anything drink wise because they were off doing pictures.

At my wedding we had champagne, beer, wine and a margarita machine. We opted for this over an open bar because we could control the amount spent. Everyone had a great time and there was plenty to drink.

 

[Debkearsch]

If there is ANY possibility AT ALL that a drunken scene could mar the couple's happiness, I would have only the champagne toast. They have voiced uneasiness and I would listen to them closely. Let the mother of the groom host her family's binge elsewhere.

Totally agree with this. Bride and grooms wishes totally override the grooms mother, who basically isn't paying anything.

 

[NAB]

We had a cash bar 19 years ago.

Do warn people it is a cash bar so people bring money. I know people say it is tacky to put it on the invite but that was the only way everyone know for sure. We never heard any complains about it either. These are family and friends and if they get upset over cash bar they have every right not to come but what a silly reason not to come and share our day.

The drinkers are going to drink if it is an open bar or cash so if that is your real concern maybe you should not have any. Cash bar doesn't really stop people from getting drunk.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I have been to a wedding where my husband was the best man and they only did a cocktail hour, like you are describing. It was odd to me. None of the bridal party got anything drink wise because they were off doing pictures.

At my wedding we had champagne, beer, wine and a margarita machine. We opted for this over an open bar because we could control the amount spent. Everyone had a great time and there was plenty to drink.

This sounds like a great solution.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

My daughter is getting married and we are in planning stages of the ceremony and reception. All will be held in the same location, with hopes for an outdoor ceremony amongst the gardens and indoor for reception.

On my side, I have a brother that is an ugly drunk. On the groom's side, according to the groom, there are a lot of drinkers that think the only good party is a drunken party. My daughter would like to avoid having any drunken scenes from either side. Her fiance and our family are in agreement.

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.

The groom's mother is completely against this, and states that we should at least have a cash bar for the whole reception, as people look forward to drinking at weddings. She said that she could contribute $500 towards the whole wedding, but no more. I am not sure yet if there is a cost for a cash bar from the venue, I have a call in to them this morning.

I will state that this isn't a question of being in the poor house if we provide a bar, but more a question of the bride and groom not wishing for a repeat of family events they have witnessed from the groom's side of the family.

So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. They have a very large family, ours is small, and their guests outnumber ours, but I am ok with that as long as it is people the groom is happy to see. Other than my brother, the bride's side doesn't really care if we have alcohol (though I do enjoy a good Mojito).

What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

Having no alcohol isn't tacky in the least. And because that is what your daughter would prefer and she has good reason to do so, that is what I would lean towards doing. One alternative would be to order enough wine so that people could have a glass with their food and order enough champagne so that people could have a glass with the toast. That way, nobody will get drunk as a skunk and ruin things for everyone else.

 

[leebee]

Cash bars are the norm here in New England. I think only once in my life have I been to an open-bar wedding reception. People who like to get drunk and rowdy will be even more so with an open bar; having to pay for their drinks slows them down a bit!

When we got married, many of the guests mingled around the church while we had photos taken outside. At the reception site, we had a cash bar available, and provided punch, soft drinks, and light munchies (chips/veggies/dips/snack mix) for guests who arrived there before we did. We provided a champagne toast and 2 bottles of champagne (or was it wine... can't remember) on each table at dinner time. This was (a) what we could afford, and (b) what we wanted, to do. Anyone who was at our wedding to get drunk was on his own!

If the bridal couple doesn't want alcohol served at all, I would respect their wishes. It's their wedding, after all!

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Weddings are ridiculously expensive.

I would not have a cash bar though.

I would have an open bar during the cocktail hour and provide wine for dinner and toast.

 

[Sammy0220]

In my experience, if you have to worry whether or not one of your guests is going to talk bad about your wedding, that's someone you shouldn't invite in the first place!

I never thought of that!

 

[snykymom]

Fascinating that we have people saying, "Open bars are the norm in New England" while others are equally adamant that "Cash bars are the norm in New England"! (I'm from NJ, lived for 30 years in NE, and have never been to a cash bar. We've had & been to open or none.)

Personally, I don't like cash bars - I don't want people to have to open their wallets at parties we give. (Of course, I don't have "problem drunks" in our family - we had an open bar at our daughter's bat mitzvah reception.)

I have no problem with no alcohol at a wedding. If that's what the bride & groom want, great. Maybe go with "mocktails" for people who just like the festive feel of cocktails - virgin pina coladas, virgin dacquiris, Virgin Marys, "nojitos". That way people can "drink" without drinking!

Alternatively, I like the other two suggestions:
1) signature cocktail, wine & beer during cocktail hour, with or without wine on the tables for dinner
2) wine only for the entire reception

I don't think full open bar during cocktail hour will solve the "ugly drunk" problem. People can get sloshed very fast if they have a mind to!

 

[anniemck]

I can't even imagine a wedding reception without a DJ or a band- what in the world do you do for 4-5 hours if there is not music and dancing???[/QUOTE]

It was a very nice dinner, and most of the people in attendance talked and mingled all night. It was set up to use the iPad and pipe the music using their own sound system. The music was the same from the DJ as they had picked.

Wedding was beautiful.

When my husband and I married last year we did not have a DJ either, we had my laptop with 100's of songs and different playlists, my nephew or sister n law would change them up every once in a while. We did not have a bar either other than soda and tea/lemonade. We let everyone know in advance that it was BYOB. Some did, some drank sodas only... it turned out great and we still get comments over a year later how much fun it was... especially not having a DJ trying to get them on the floor to play games.

 

[sk!mom]

If his family is from the northeast they will most likely be expecting an open bar. Here in ny, I have never ever been to a wedding without one. I think open bar during cocktail hour only will ruin your event. The drinkers will plant themselves at the bar and pond drinks trying to load up for free. I would do open bar all night, cash bar all night, or you can do a champagne toast and wine with dinner.

I personally think if people want to drink they will, either bring it with them, or-party etc. from my background, it's open bar or nothing, but that is what I am used to.

Completely agree with this. I was recently at a wedding with no alcohol whatsoever. The groom's mom and her table and the Best man and groomsman kept taking trips to the parking lot to spike their drinks. It wasn't a problem that I could see and no one behaved badly. I think the bride's family was a bit upset though. The wedding and reception were in their church hall and I assumed that either they don't drink, it was against church rules, or they couldn't afford alcohol.

One side effect of no alcohol that I noticed at the above wedding and others is that alcohol free weddings tend to break up early. If you don't mind that then fine. At that wedding, there was hardly anyone left to see the couple off. They also had paid for a band and had a dance floor but again- in my experience no alcohol = few dancers. People ate their chicken dinner and then started drifting away.

My choice would be open bar or cocktail hour followed by wine for dinner. I'm never upset by a cash bar but I don't like to ask my guests to pay when I'm the host.