Only Child...input needed.

[JediBonas]

My brother and I are nearly 10 years apart in age, so I was an only child for a long time, and it seemed like he was as well. I loved being an only child. Don't get me wrong, I do love my brother but we are not close and I never was a child who asked for a sibling. My brother also enjoyed being the "only" child. My dad's an only child and always wanted a sibling, but then we see the drama my mom deals with (still!) with her five brothers and sisters and he realizes it's not so bad not having siblings . Personally, I always figured I'd have two kids but after dealing with infertility we decided we would be more then happy with just one (luckily I ended up with twins).

 

[PrincessV]

OP, there's just no way of knowing ahead of time whether your offspring will like being only's or not. All you can do is make the best decision for yourselves and your lifestyle and roll the dice.

I'm an only and my son is an only. Neither of us would have it any other way. But we're both quite introverted by nature and crave alone time and lots of personal space, so being only's worked well for us both in that regard. I also grew up seeing that with only one child, we were able to afford some things in our small household budget that my peers with siblings often couldn't. Some of those things made a huge impact in the rest of my life and I wanted to be able to give those things to my child, too. As a single-parent myself now, I see extra value in that decision.

 

[scottmel]

We adopted my DD14 when she was 1 from China. No fertility issues just felt a calling to do so. She is an only child and has ups and downs with it. Loves it at holiday time - more gifts! We tend to bring a friend for her on vacations and really do cater to her that way so she isn't lonely. We live in a big sub division and she has friends etc.

My guess is it is lonely for her in the respect that we come down a little hard on her, since she is the only one. No one to share the slack with etc. However she is SUPER smart. I was able to devote all my time to her and just her, no sibling competition, etc. I am able to afford to send her to an expensive private school which is something I might not have been able to do at 2.

For me, I KNOW I am a one person child. Maybe I am selfish? I think I might be. I love the freedom etc. and I know I am a better mom with only having one child.

I don't think DD has suffered being an only, but again, we cater to that best we can...

 

[GotLabradors]

Both of my parents are only children (born at the end of WWII) and they both hated it. I hate that they're only children because I have no aunts or uncles and no first cousins. I have one older sister. We have 6 kids between us. Family time is a lot more fun when both my sister and my family around.

As for the parent in me, I always knew I would have more than 1 kid. Truth be told, if I were independently wealthy, didn't have to work, and could hire someone to help with housework, I would have had a large family. My oldest is 14 and a freshman in high school. Number 2 is 9 and in the 4th grade. Number 3 is 5 and in kindergarten. DH had to talk me into #3, but everyday I am thankful he did.

I hope y'all can work it out.

 

[marcyinPA]

I am an only. When I was younger, I wished for a sibling, but I knew it would never happen. My parents divorced when I was 14 but even before that, they hated each other and fought constantly. As an adult, I have to say it stinks. I am alone, dealing with two parents who are now remarried and their spouses don't have children (my mothers DH has 2, but they are estranged). I feel like all of the responsibility of aging parents and their spouses who I really don't like is on me.

My DH and I have two kids- 4 years apart. Best decision we ever made and I have absolutely no regrets for having a second child. They are both the light of our lives. Yes, financially things are tough, but at the end of my life, nobody will care how much money I made or saved, what size house I had or what kind of car I drove. People will remember these two great boys we raised. That is what matters most.

 

[cari12]

We have 2 children about 2 years apart. We never thought twice about having a second. It is a lot more work and there's a lot more "stuff" cluttering up the house but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being close in age has been great. They are 8 and 10 now but from about 2 years onward, their abilities were close enough that they both enjoy the same activities so we weren't a family going in separate directions all the time with each kid doing different things.
Regarding on lies- I have 2 close friends that are only's and both purposely had 2 kids as they didn't want their child to grow up lonely. One of them lost both her parents by age 31 and so at that point only had her friends and fiancé but it's not quite the same as a sibling who has known you your whole life.

 

[JVL1018]

I have a brother 3 years older, and a brother 2 years younger.

My husband is much younger than his 2 brothers(they were teen, preteen when he was born) and was raised basically as an only child.

I fought with my older brother a lot, currently we don't talk, but I do love him and would never trade growing up with him for anything. It's comforting to me to know there is someone out there with the same memories as me.
Someone up thread said you shouldn't think of a sibling as something to give your kids, but I do truly think of my younger brother as a gift. He is my best friend, my favorite person in the world besides my husband and kids.

My husband hated growing up without siblings. He doesn't have any of the issues of dealing with aging parents alone because he's not a true only child, his brothers are available, and he is actually closer to the middle brother now than the 2 oldest(2 yrs apart) are to each other. But he missed very much that sibling camaraderie growing up, so much that after we had our two, he said that if we had an oops much younger than the first 2, he'd want to have a 4th just so the 3rd wasn't the almost only he was.

My kids have a cousin who is an only and if they ever mention all the material things she gets, I tell them, oh we got you a brother(or sister) instead. You're welcome. LOL
It's a family joke now. ;-)

I truly didn't find going from 1 to 2 hard. They are less than 2 years apart though, so I was used to diapers and bottles and babies. What was one more?
I never even thought about having only one.

My husband has a cousin who is an only child and she loved it, wouldn't trade it for the world. She does have 2 kids, but that's not a reflection on her only child feelings.

I will say my husband and his cousin, and my niece are all very outgoing and friendly. I think that may be a bonus of being an only child. So there are bonuses for each.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am an only child, and I liked it. I guess now that I am older it might be nice to have siblings, but I do at least have cousins. When I was growing up the last thing I wanted was a sibling, in fact I had nightmares about it. I guess I was a bit territorial.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

I have 2 siblings, but they are considerably older than I am (one is 10y10m older, the other is 16y6m older). So as I was growing up, I had periods of time where it was like I was an only child - when they were off at college, and they each got married the year I was 11/12. When I was young and we were all at home, I wanted to be with them, so I was always more like a little adult than a child and didn't always fit in well with kids my own age. I remember being at a slumber party and wanting to watch Johnny Carson (ok, that ages me!) and all my friends were like, "that's for grown-ups!"

Anyway, as we've all aged, we're extremely close. My sister and I live in the same town and talk almost every day and see each other at least 3-4 times/week. When our mom had serious heart surgery 2 1/2 years ago, we were able to lean on each other. Since she's older, her kids are older, and she's been an invaluable source of help and advice for me in raising my kids, plus she's like a 2nd mom to them. I can't imagine not having siblings.

My sons are 3y8m apart. We always knew we wanted at least 2 kids - my husband is also one of three (but they are all 4 years apart and he's the middle) and we wanted our kids to have at least one sibling. I like the age difference most of the time; my oldest was able to do some stuff for himself when his little brother was born and that helped.

And, OP, I would tell you that your 3-yr-old is a spitfire because she's 3. Three was way worse for both my boys than 2. I called them the Terrible Twos and Torturous Threes. Four gets better.

 

[Help Please!]

I rarely (if ever?) hear two responsible, married adults say that regret having a child...I've only ever heard regret at NOT having one.

As a teacher...in most instances in my classroom (and I teach over 500 kids weekly at my school)...those with siblings get along better with other kids, can let things roll of their backs more easily, are less shy/stressed out, and are more enthusiastic in general. Obviously, this is not every instance...but what I've noticed over my years teaching.

That being said...

Definitely make sure that you are both on board before you move forward. I would think that the worst circumstance would be your husband "blaming" you for the bad decision of having a second child...make sure it's a joint decision, so you can share the middle of the night fun.

 

[Erin1700]

After we had DD, I was sure she would be an only. When she was 6, we were surprised with a baby boy.
It was an adjustment to start over.
My career was put on hold.
But watching my DD enjoy having a sibling was so worth it. It is amazing to see them. She is 12 and he is a rough and tumble 6 year old.
We never once regret it.

 

[stargazer2892]

My kids will be about 22 months apart, it was never a question on whether we where going to have another once DS was born. I distinctively remember one early morning when he was about a month old holding him and just knowing that he was going to be a big brother one day. People ask how many we are planning on having and with out a second thought it's "just two", Neither DH or I have any desire to have more kids after this and have actually talked about permanent birth control.
As for handling two I'll get back to ya in December, DS is a very active and spirited child. He's not bad but he is always investigating things and wants to know "why". I never thought I'd have to try to explain to a 19 month old "why" 50 times a day.
I think you just "know" when your family is complete, it may take some discussion and time but only you and your DH know for sure.

 

[dismom22]

You are ALL marvelous people. Though I certainly don't have time to reply to everyone, I truly appreciate all of your sincere responses to my questions. It has given me a lot to think about and share with DH. When we have some more time to discuss everything, I'll let him read through all of these as I have.

Just a little more detail on us...we are both 27, born only 4 days apart. We were only dating 8 months when we got pregnant with DD so there was never a discussion, never an option. I think that's why this is so difficult. I say that but we did kind of know; we had briefly discussed it, more joked around. We did not use protection, I think almost on purpose but also because I only have one tube and felt that was protection enough (ectopic pregnancy prior to meeting DH...I wasn't the most responsible young adult). We knew we loved each other from the first date. We knew we were "the one" for each other. We struggled a lot when DD was first born but we overcame that and got married last year when DD was 2.5.

I come from a VERY close family on my moms side (close to my aunt(s) especially as I'm the oldest with only 4 cousins, 5-14 years younger) and a relatively close family on my dad's as well (5 cousins). I have a younger brother, just over 4 years my junior. We're pretty close and he's a great uncle but I don't see him having kids anytime soon...he's a very immature 23 year old. DH's bio parents basically abandoned him and his sister (2yrs older) when he was young and after bouncing around to different family members, his (half) uncle adopted them into his family when he was in 2nd grade so DH has a "brother" that's also 2 years older and a "brother" that's about 2 years younger (so, cousins). Neither of his older siblings have children and I don't know that they even plan on it. His younger brother has two kids but we have a somewhat strained relationship with this brother due to his gf, though we do see them on a weekly basis or so. Basically DD won't have many cousins, at least not soon.

Anyway...that's the basics of us. Ha, geez that was another exceptionally long post. Sorry!! Again, I really appreciate everyone's input. Feel free to continue posting...I'm reading everything!!

 

[cheer25mom]

I rarely (if ever?) hear two responsible, married adults say that regret having a child...I've only ever heard regret at NOT having one.

As a teacher...in most instances in my classroom (and I teach over 500 kids weekly at my school)...those with siblings get along better with other kids, can let things roll of their backs more easily, are less shy/stressed out, and are more enthusiastic in general. Obviously, this is not every instance...but what I've noticed over my years teaching.

That being said...

Definitely make sure that you are both on board before you move forward. I would think that the worst circumstance would be your husband "blaming" you for the bad decision of having a second child...make sure it's a joint decision, so you can share the middle of the night fun.

I odn;t think anyone would ever admit to regretting having a child. That would be a horrible thing to do to that child.

I don't think you can generalize that way about onlys. I don't think it is accurate or fair. I know my only is the polar opposite what you seem to think an only is, and know many kids from multiple child households that are the sterotypical only you are describing: introverted, don't get along with others, stressed all the time.

It definitely needs to be a joint decision with everyone on board. I am sure parents would never admit it becuase it isn't fair to the child to air it out, but based on my observation I know many parents who realize they should have stopeed at one or 2. They are overwhelmed, stressed, and not enjoying thier kids anymore.

 

[tajz90]

Only children are generally confident, strong willed individuals able to hold a conversation. An only child's level of spoiled depends on how the parents raise them. Stress levels can't be determined by those without / without siblings.

 

[Pigeon]

Re the idea that you have to have siblings to care for aging parents, in our case it's made that whole thing much harder.

Even though most of dh's many siblings live in town, we end up doing 95% of what MIL needs. We both work full time and we are the only ones actively raising kids at the moment, but still it all falls on us. The other siblings second guess us and tell us how we are doing it all wrong, but are supremely unhelpful. The out of town siblings can never come for the holidays, but arrive a week later and then expect to be entertained rather than doing anything to help.

FIL died last year and again the sibs were worse than useless. One of dh's brothers insisted that FIL have a funeral with all the bells and whistles, including a wake and a church service. FIL for as long as I have known him (35 years) expressed that he absolutely didn't want those things. MIL ended up being guilted into forking over many thousands of dollars for a service that left FIL rolling in his grave.

 

[mjkacmom]

I am sure parents would never admit it becuase it isn't fair to the child to air it out, but based on my observation I know many parents who realize they should have stopeed at one or 2. They are overwhelmed, stressed, and not enjoying thier kids anymore.

That might be what you perceive, but I seriously doubt it. You have to realize, that as much as you love your only, people with multiple children love each one of their children at least that much.

When I found myself pregnant for the fourth time, I was hoping it was a mistake. I wanted three kids, I loved having three kids, I was ready to get out of diapers/cribs/sippy cups/etc. and move on. Those feelings stayed with me for a few weeks, before my first u/s, and then I fell in love with my twins.

Our lives are hectic - multiple activities every day, tons of groceries, unlimited amounts of laundry. It was just as hard when they were all little, with sleepless nights, illnesses, cranky days...

On our worst days, I think about how our life would be if we didn't have our bonus babies - and my heart crumbles. I would take a lifetime of our bad days than a lifetime without our twins. Each child means more work, but each child brings even more in joy and happiness, enriching the family.

So, if one hears parents of multiple children vent about the struggles, don't assume they'd rather not have a couple of their kids. Most of our friends have three kids (some two, some four, a couple one), and all vent.

 

[mhsjax]

That might be what you perceive, but I seriously doubt it. You have to realize, that as much as you love your only, people with multiple children love each one of their children at least that much.

When I found myself pregnant for the fourth time, I was hoping it was a mistake. I wanted three kids, I loved having three kids, I was ready to get out of diapers/cribs/sippy cups/etc. and move on. Those feelings stayed with me for a few weeks, before my first u/s, and then I fell in love with my twins.

Our lives are hectic - multiple activities every day, tons of groceries, unlimited amounts of laundry. It was just as hard when they were all little, with sleepless nights, illnesses, cranky days...

On our worst days, I think about how our life would be if we didn't have our bonus babies - and my heart crumbles. I would take a lifetime of our bad days than a lifetime without our twins. Each child means more work, but each child brings even more in joy and happiness, enriching the family.

So, if one hears parents of multiple children vent about the struggles, don't assume they'd rather not have a couple of their kids. Most of our friends have three kids (some two, some four, a couple one), and all vent.

Very well stated.

 

[mhsjax]

Only children are generally confident, strong willed individuals able to hold a conversation. An only child's level of spoiled depends on how the parents raise them. Stress levels can't be determined by those without / without siblings.

I don't believe in stereotypes, I have 3 that blow them all the theories out of the water. I also know only children that disprove your statement. So as a whole, NOT buying it, at all.

 

[tajz90]

I don't believe in stereotypes, I have 3 that blow them all the theories out of the water. I also know only children that disprove your statement. So as a whole, NOT buying it, at all.

I was actually pointing out the same exact thing to this statement.

As a teacher...in most instances in my classroom (and I teach over 500 kids weekly at my school)...those with siblings get along better with other kids, can let things roll of their backs more easily, are less shy/stressed out, and are more enthusiastic in general. :

I'm an only. I'm not shy. I get along with people. I'm confident. I don't stress out. So, I can only speak from experience.

People come in all shapes, sizes and types including mannerisms which can't be generalized.