Nothing to do with disney but i wonder if people will advise/comfort me. I am the very proud mummy of DD3 who is perfect in everyway and although she has yet to make a friend who she plays with regularily, she has the gift to make friends wherever she goes. I have always wanted two children with a small gap but due to jobs/money it has been impossible. I want to have a baby within the year but our financial situation isnt great - we rent, have no savings, no emergency fund and live payday to payday, and however much i desperately want another baby it seems cruel to bring another life into this world. Although im only 24, if we dont have a baby this year I would never have one as anything above a 4 year gap is too big for me. So please someone tell me im doing the right thing? That i can forgive myself and move on? That DD will not be lonely? That i wont come to wdw and cry for two smiling faces instead of one? It kills me espicially knowing that in three years my hubbys wage will double and money would be easier. Basically, am i making the right choice???
one child family
- Thread starter lt90
- Start date
laughinplace199
<font color=blue>AKA Shrimpo or Flamingo Legs<br><
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2001
Why? My first two kids are 2 years apart, and my third was born when the older ones were 7 & 5. They adore their little brother.
Hey there,
First off
!
I have been where you are, but it was after my second. I really desperately wanted a third baby and my hubby was on the fence. Things were tight, but not impossible and we both had/have very good jobs with great potential. It was a really hard decision based on lots of reflection and prayer. Ultimately, we waited longer than I would have liked, but did decide to try for a third. What a blessing our little sweet baby is...
Things are tighter and more wacky with three, but I LOVE it. We sacrifice and work really hard to keep our life liveable. Some of my friends question me as to how we have extra money to do Disney, but we are crazy frugal savers. We drive older cars, wear yard sale clothes, rarely eat out, do mainly FREE activities for the kids, and pinch pennies to make it work.
I too wanted my kids close in age and they are, but the third one is 3.5 years younger than child #2 and 5.5 years younger than child #1. In a perfect world, they'd all be two years apart (at least in my little mind - LOL). But, we wanted to be sure that we could make it work.
There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years...you are SO young, you have much time left. My mother and her sister are seven years apart and they are very close. Growing up my mom was like a second mother, always helping my grandmother and caring for the baby as she grew up. The talk on the phone daily, vacation together, laugh/joke all the time. They are truly SO close, so there is always the chance that children born far apart can be close. I also know people who are 18months-2 years apart from their siblings and they barely speak. You just never know...
My nephew is an only and he is with my kids all the time, they are growing up right alongside each other, so he always has kids his age to play with (get into trouble with)
. Perhaps you have family closeby that DD can grow up with?
My advice is this...talk about your feelings with you husband/partner. Be open and honest about what you want and your concerns. Then, table the talk for six months and revisit. If you are in a better place financially and you both feel ready to try for baby #2, do it. If not, update your feelings and then wait another six months and revisit the discussion. Only you know what you can handle.
I wish you peace and comfort with your decision. Some people will probably disagree with me (please no flames), but if you truly feel like you want another child someday, plan for it and do it (as long as you trust you can take care of him/her). You don't want to look around at the end of your life and regret not giving your daughter a sibling. You CAN make it work, just be prepared to work hard, save and prioritize.
All the best sweetie!!!
PS - We are actually considering having a fourth...ha ha, we shall see. Gotta really amp up the savings now
First off
!I have been where you are, but it was after my second. I really desperately wanted a third baby and my hubby was on the fence. Things were tight, but not impossible and we both had/have very good jobs with great potential. It was a really hard decision based on lots of reflection and prayer. Ultimately, we waited longer than I would have liked, but did decide to try for a third. What a blessing our little sweet baby is...
Things are tighter and more wacky with three, but I LOVE it. We sacrifice and work really hard to keep our life liveable. Some of my friends question me as to how we have extra money to do Disney, but we are crazy frugal savers. We drive older cars, wear yard sale clothes, rarely eat out, do mainly FREE activities for the kids, and pinch pennies to make it work.
I too wanted my kids close in age and they are, but the third one is 3.5 years younger than child #2 and 5.5 years younger than child #1. In a perfect world, they'd all be two years apart (at least in my little mind - LOL). But, we wanted to be sure that we could make it work.
There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years...you are SO young, you have much time left. My mother and her sister are seven years apart and they are very close. Growing up my mom was like a second mother, always helping my grandmother and caring for the baby as she grew up. The talk on the phone daily, vacation together, laugh/joke all the time. They are truly SO close, so there is always the chance that children born far apart can be close. I also know people who are 18months-2 years apart from their siblings and they barely speak. You just never know...
My nephew is an only and he is with my kids all the time, they are growing up right alongside each other, so he always has kids his age to play with (get into trouble with)
. Perhaps you have family closeby that DD can grow up with?My advice is this...talk about your feelings with you husband/partner. Be open and honest about what you want and your concerns. Then, table the talk for six months and revisit. If you are in a better place financially and you both feel ready to try for baby #2, do it. If not, update your feelings and then wait another six months and revisit the discussion. Only you know what you can handle.
I wish you peace and comfort with your decision. Some people will probably disagree with me (please no flames), but if you truly feel like you want another child someday, plan for it and do it (as long as you trust you can take care of him/her). You don't want to look around at the end of your life and regret not giving your daughter a sibling. You CAN make it work, just be prepared to work hard, save and prioritize.
All the best sweetie!!!
PS - We are actually considering having a fourth...ha ha, we shall see. Gotta really amp up the savings now
Mrs. M. Mouse
Dreaming of Disney
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
We have a 3.5 year gap here and our two girls (9,12.5) are awesome friends ;-) don't count out another child based on age gap!
Random Ninja
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2012
What's wrong with an age gap? My brother and I are almost 10 years apart and we get along no differently then any other siblings. Because our personalities are so different, it actually worked out well. We both had the benefit of being the only kid at home and had a younger/older sibling to pester. You still have plenty of time to have more kids.
Only you can make that decision - and it sounds like you are not at peace with it yet, but I'm curious as to why you think that a 4 year gap or more is out of the question?
I have three kids, and the first two are one day shy of 4 years apart. They were actually both due on July 4th, of 2000 and 2004. I had DS13 on June 29th, and DD on June 28th. I absolutely LOVED it, and still do to this day. I had 4 years to become used to being a mom, I love the break between phases, once DS started sports and activities, it was easy to bring DD along, and I was able to pay for things for DS for sports/activities/school as a "single" child rather than needing to always double the bill. When he started school, I was able to focus on helping him with his schoolwork because he was the only one needing that kind of help. He will be done with middle school, and with high school before DD reaches those milestones, and I will only have one in college for the first 4 years.
On the flip side, DD was 19 months old when DS7 was born. Talk about a hard few years!! Two "babies" at once....as soon as DD was done with a stage, DS would begin it, so I felt like we were in the "no" stage or the "why" stage for years! They do everything pretty much as a pair, so it's always double the money, and things have to be much more "fair" because they are so close in age. I have 3rd and 1st grade homework and school projects to worry about, and I will be paying for TWO kids in college at once. It's true that they are very close and have a special bond, but DS13 and DS7 have an even stronger bond. DS7 really loves and looks up to his older brother.
DH lost his job when DS7 was a baby, and we really struggled for a few years - with THREE kids! And 7 years later, we are still here living to tell the tale. Your family will turn out exactly the way it should be, and if that means you only have one child, then you have one child. If you are meant to have more, you will have more. Don't regret anything - and don't feel as though a big gap between kids is prohibitive of having another. It may not be the way you imagined your family, but it is not a bad thing either!
Good luck!
I have three kids, and the first two are one day shy of 4 years apart. They were actually both due on July 4th, of 2000 and 2004. I had DS13 on June 29th, and DD on June 28th. I absolutely LOVED it, and still do to this day. I had 4 years to become used to being a mom, I love the break between phases, once DS started sports and activities, it was easy to bring DD along, and I was able to pay for things for DS for sports/activities/school as a "single" child rather than needing to always double the bill. When he started school, I was able to focus on helping him with his schoolwork because he was the only one needing that kind of help. He will be done with middle school, and with high school before DD reaches those milestones, and I will only have one in college for the first 4 years.
On the flip side, DD was 19 months old when DS7 was born. Talk about a hard few years!! Two "babies" at once....as soon as DD was done with a stage, DS would begin it, so I felt like we were in the "no" stage or the "why" stage for years! They do everything pretty much as a pair, so it's always double the money, and things have to be much more "fair" because they are so close in age. I have 3rd and 1st grade homework and school projects to worry about, and I will be paying for TWO kids in college at once. It's true that they are very close and have a special bond, but DS13 and DS7 have an even stronger bond. DS7 really loves and looks up to his older brother.
DH lost his job when DS7 was a baby, and we really struggled for a few years - with THREE kids! And 7 years later, we are still here living to tell the tale. Your family will turn out exactly the way it should be, and if that means you only have one child, then you have one child. If you are meant to have more, you will have more. Don't regret anything - and don't feel as though a big gap between kids is prohibitive of having another. It may not be the way you imagined your family, but it is not a bad thing either!
Good luck!
jennylyn_b
Disney Fan for Life :)
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2009
We have our dd who will be 3 in October. She's the light of our lives. She's an only child and will always be an only child as I'm about to get my tubes tied. We only want one. We want to be able to give her all our attention and everything we want her to have. We like taking her to WDW twice a year and doing what she wants. She makes friends with kids easily and loves to play with them. We will just always allow her to have friends over when she gets older so she has lots of peer time. I get to stay at home with her and its the most rewarding job ever. I would not be able to do that with another child. This is what we decided for our family.
No one can tell you you are making the right or wrong decision. It's between you and your DH. You have to do what's best for all of you.
For every single reason you can be told that having another will be good for you or dd, there is a reason only have one is good. It's totally a personal choice based on your needs and wants.
No one can tell you you are making the right or wrong decision. It's between you and your DH. You have to do what's best for all of you.
For every single reason you can be told that having another will be good for you or dd, there is a reason only have one is good. It's totally a personal choice based on your needs and wants.
pixie teri
Earning My Ears
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2013
My children are 5 years apart and they get along great and love each other. I also have a brother who is 12 years younger than I am and I love him just as much as my others siblings who are only two years apart. Age doesn't matter!
my sister has a 3 yr DD and a 23 yr old DD. They both get along great and the 23 yr old takes special trips to see her little sis who lives about an hour away from her job. The little sis is even going to be in big sis wedding as the flower girl next month. I don't think there is an age gap when it comes to siblings.
PGHDisneyfan
Im a lawnmower, you can tell me by the way I walk
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2007
Mine are five years apart also, it's no big deal and our younger son is a huge help!
set1208
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2008
It's such a personal decision and one that only you and your husband can make. There will be a lot of advice from both sides. Listen to it all and make the choice that works best for you. Listen to those who say don't have more kids. Listen to me when I say go for it and have the kids you want to have. Sometimes hearing someone else's story will make your choice a little easier, whatever that choice ends up being.
I am one of four girls and we grew up as poor as dirt but now, as adults, none of us would change a thing. We are all strong, confident, resilient, and able to handle more than the average person because we have lived with more than our fair share of adversity....way more!
This is not to say that raising children when you don't have the means to do so is a wise idea. It was really hard but through it all, I have three awesome sisters. We help each other when one of us is in a pinch, we call one another when our mom is being annoying, we had each other to help hold us together when our dad was diagnosed with cancer and when our mom was in surgery for her quadruple bypass. Both are doing spectacular now, btw. One day our parents will be gone and we will have each other. I couldn't imagine doing it alone. I also know that our parents adore us and love us 100%. They sacrificed and struggled all for us.
My cousin is an only child and although she liked not having the competition of siblings, she struggles with being lonely and not having a sibling to lean on. Her dad recently had bypass and it was very emotional for her, not having a brother or sister there with her.
About the age gap that you're worried about...I had my DD when I was 24. Her dad died when I was five months pregnant and I was instantly a single mom. I left our home in NH to move in with my parents in CT and became a single mom overnight. That sucked! I always looked at my DD with sadness for her future. I wanted her to have a sibling and it broke my heart every day that she was doomed to be alone.
Luckily I met my current DH a few years later and when my DD was 6, I had my first DS, followed quickly by two more. My oldest two are six years apart and it's awesome. She adores him and now that they are older, they are the best of friends. She helps me so much, watching them for a few minutes so I can shower or run to the store.
So what I'm saying is, don't wait for the "perfect time"...it never comes the way you want. Tragedy can happen even in the most ideal situation, like losing your spouse when he was 29. I didn't expect that one. I also didn't expect to find my beautiful amazing DH when I did. Take life as it comes. Live your life to the fullest. Have that baby, love him, protect your children fiercely, make the sacrifices necessary to have your family. Regret is a terrible thing.
I am one of four girls and we grew up as poor as dirt but now, as adults, none of us would change a thing. We are all strong, confident, resilient, and able to handle more than the average person because we have lived with more than our fair share of adversity....way more!
This is not to say that raising children when you don't have the means to do so is a wise idea. It was really hard but through it all, I have three awesome sisters. We help each other when one of us is in a pinch, we call one another when our mom is being annoying, we had each other to help hold us together when our dad was diagnosed with cancer and when our mom was in surgery for her quadruple bypass. Both are doing spectacular now, btw. One day our parents will be gone and we will have each other. I couldn't imagine doing it alone. I also know that our parents adore us and love us 100%. They sacrificed and struggled all for us.
My cousin is an only child and although she liked not having the competition of siblings, she struggles with being lonely and not having a sibling to lean on. Her dad recently had bypass and it was very emotional for her, not having a brother or sister there with her.
About the age gap that you're worried about...I had my DD when I was 24. Her dad died when I was five months pregnant and I was instantly a single mom. I left our home in NH to move in with my parents in CT and became a single mom overnight. That sucked! I always looked at my DD with sadness for her future. I wanted her to have a sibling and it broke my heart every day that she was doomed to be alone.
Luckily I met my current DH a few years later and when my DD was 6, I had my first DS, followed quickly by two more. My oldest two are six years apart and it's awesome. She adores him and now that they are older, they are the best of friends. She helps me so much, watching them for a few minutes so I can shower or run to the store.
So what I'm saying is, don't wait for the "perfect time"...it never comes the way you want. Tragedy can happen even in the most ideal situation, like losing your spouse when he was 29. I didn't expect that one. I also didn't expect to find my beautiful amazing DH when I did. Take life as it comes. Live your life to the fullest. Have that baby, love him, protect your children fiercely, make the sacrifices necessary to have your family. Regret is a terrible thing.
MomofIndigo
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2013
I am child of 3 and I get along much better with my sister of 9.5 yrs difference than with my brother of 2 yrs difference.
same goes for DD. she is an only child. She gets along with all her cousins but she plays best with her cousins that have the wider gaps than the ones closer to her in age.
I would not way this big decision just on age gap. It might be better for you to have a wider gap so the 1st one is a bit older and can possibly help. Watching my SIL with two children under 3 is so stressful.
same goes for DD. she is an only child. She gets along with all her cousins but she plays best with her cousins that have the wider gaps than the ones closer to her in age.
I would not way this big decision just on age gap. It might be better for you to have a wider gap so the 1st one is a bit older and can possibly help. Watching my SIL with two children under 3 is so stressful.
set1208
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2008
Set1208 -- I have three awesome sisters too! Aren't we lucky to have amazing built-in best friends
What a story! What a life to have lived! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks! I love my sisters and I am so happy to have four kids myself. I feel blessed!
I think the closeness of siblings is heavily dependent on personalities. I have two older brothers (7.5 & 9yrs older). I'm closer to the 2nd one than the boys are to each other. And it's because of our personalities click. We were not close growing up because they were out of the house before I finished grade school. I also had a chance to build a great relationship with my mom as an "only child" for several years.
My DH and I have started negotiating for #3. I want another, but he doesn't want to sacrifice financially for another child. Unfortunately, I'm in my late 30s already so we don't have the luxury of time.
As for your daughter making a best friend, it will happen when she meets her best friend! My son is the same way. He plays with everyone and everyone likes him, but it wasn't until this spring that he clicked with one friend and they are mostly inseparable.
My DH and I have started negotiating for #3. I want another, but he doesn't want to sacrifice financially for another child. Unfortunately, I'm in my late 30s already so we don't have the luxury of time.
As for your daughter making a best friend, it will happen when she meets her best friend! My son is the same way. He plays with everyone and everyone likes him, but it wasn't until this spring that he clicked with one friend and they are mostly inseparable.
angelmom27
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2011
The only right choice is the right one for you. I don't see anything wrong with a 4 yr gap. I also see nothing wrong with having a child now. I have pregnant with #8. We just change things around a bit. Everyone says a child is expensive but its your life style and the way you choose to spend money that makes it expensive. We rent and I actually prefer to since I don't have to worry about expenses on replacing a roof or fixing an appliance. Its all taken care of. There are advantages and disadvantages. I want to own my own home one day but there is time for that later. Right now my kids have a house that offers everything they need. All my kids no matter how big the age gap get along very well with each other. I know girls who prefer to wait for the older one to start school before having another one.
You have overcome a lot!
I have 4 sisters, and I can totally relate! My parents divorced when I was 11 (Im the 2nd oldest) and us older sisters were left to take care of the little ones when my mom left us and my dad worked 12 hour days. Both parents essentially decided to pursue their own lives for the past 25 years and although we are on the outskirts of their lives, we have never really been the center of focus of either one of them.
If we didnt have each other, I dont know how we would have made it through. I have one sister who is 14 months older, one a little over 2 years younger, one 6 years younger, and one 8 years younger. I feel very close to every single one of them. Sure, some of us have extra special bonds with another one mine is with the sister that is 2 years younger than me but when I think about it, I really have a special relationship with each one of them.
My older sister and I fought like crazy as kids and pre-teens, became very close as young adults, grew apart as she was going through her divorce (from my husbands good friend from high school), and are now back on track. We love each others kids like crazy, too!
My younger sisters will always be very special to me I helped replace our mother when she left they were only 3 and 5 years old. They are both moms now as well, and they are always asking my advice and looking for help!
The sister I am closest with, who is 2 years younger than me, trusts me with telling me about her struggles (she has MS she found out at 27 years old, and is now 35), and we can talk about anything stuff that other people would judge us for or very honest observations about things that we could never tell anyone else.
We have 11 (plus one due in Feb!) kids between the five of us, and this summer we rented a huge beach house for a week for all of us. It was the most amazing vacation Ive ever had all of our husbands get along and are pretty easygoing, and our kids LOVE each other and all has a massive sleepover every night in the family room ages ranging from 14 down to 4. It was absolutely fantastic, and none of us can wait to do it again!
We recently went through a very emotional, 25 years in the making, emotional confrontation with our mother, and each one of us were able to tell her exactly how we felt about her leaving us and starting a new life without us. If we didnt have each other to lean on, support, and talk to after we talked to our mother, I dont think I would have been able to do it. I know, no matter what the age differences between my sisters and I, there is a bond that will never be broken. We will always have each other.
suzanny
Where'd my pixie dust go?
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2004
Hi hon, I wish I was there to give you a big hug. Not to sound too patronizing, but you're only 24. This is most certainly not your only chance in your lifetime to have another child.
I had my first at 27 and my second was born when I was 38. Yes, my kids are 11 years apart. My youngest just ADORES her sister, and her sister is a proud babysitter who loves to play tag and tease her baby sister.
It is certainly not the end of the world if you decide to wait for another child. I spent YEARS thinking I wouldn't have another child, but am so blessed to have two children now.
I had my first at 27 and my second was born when I was 38. Yes, my kids are 11 years apart. My youngest just ADORES her sister, and her sister is a proud babysitter who loves to play tag and tease her baby sister.
It is certainly not the end of the world if you decide to wait for another child. I spent YEARS thinking I wouldn't have another child, but am so blessed to have two children now.
BuzznBelle'smom
<font color=red>There are tomato-ey paw prints all
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2002
Nobody can tell you what is the "right" number of children, or the "right" gap. Honestly, that's up to you. I'll tell you my story, though:
Our first child was unexpected, but we loved her so much, we wanted another one right away. We actually planned #2 around DH's grad school--they're 21 months apart. After that, we wanted more...but it didn't happen. Men plan, God laughs, you know? I'd given up and resigned myself to two children. Then, the day after my son started kindergarten, I failed (passed?) a pregnancy test. #3 is 6 years younger than #2. I was 39 when I had her, always said, "40 and I'm done", and of course, we'd had the secondary infertility. But, DH wanted to try for a fourth. I thought he was nuts, but agreed to try, with the understanding that there was a deadline, and if I didn't get pregnant by then, we were going to let it go and be grateful for the gifts we had. Well, you know the punchline, I had #4 when I was 42! He's the light of my life.
I would never, ever have picked this spacing. My mom (good Catholic) had 4 kids before her fifth wedding anniversary, and here I was with 4 over an 11-year span. In some ways, it's like raising two families--for 2 years, I had one in HS, one in MS, one in elem., and one in preschool. Vacations require slightly less planning than the invasion of Pearl Harbor, as I try to have special things for each child. But what's really amazing is how well the kids all mesh. The older two like to make magic for the younger two. The younger two really look up to their older siblings. When #4 (now age 7) was born, his older sister cut the umbilical cord. His older siblings read to him, they play games, include him in everything, and celebrate his achievements.
My point is, life works out in funny ways. At 24, you have a couple decades to consider having more kids (although, side note, I don't know that I recommend the whole "giving birth at 42" thing, although I do love the end result). Larger gaps come with their own challenges, but so do small gaps.
Our first child was unexpected, but we loved her so much, we wanted another one right away. We actually planned #2 around DH's grad school--they're 21 months apart. After that, we wanted more...but it didn't happen. Men plan, God laughs, you know? I'd given up and resigned myself to two children. Then, the day after my son started kindergarten, I failed (passed?) a pregnancy test. #3 is 6 years younger than #2. I was 39 when I had her, always said, "40 and I'm done", and of course, we'd had the secondary infertility. But, DH wanted to try for a fourth. I thought he was nuts, but agreed to try, with the understanding that there was a deadline, and if I didn't get pregnant by then, we were going to let it go and be grateful for the gifts we had. Well, you know the punchline, I had #4 when I was 42! He's the light of my life.
I would never, ever have picked this spacing. My mom (good Catholic) had 4 kids before her fifth wedding anniversary, and here I was with 4 over an 11-year span. In some ways, it's like raising two families--for 2 years, I had one in HS, one in MS, one in elem., and one in preschool. Vacations require slightly less planning than the invasion of Pearl Harbor, as I try to have special things for each child. But what's really amazing is how well the kids all mesh. The older two like to make magic for the younger two. The younger two really look up to their older siblings. When #4 (now age 7) was born, his older sister cut the umbilical cord. His older siblings read to him, they play games, include him in everything, and celebrate his achievements.
My point is, life works out in funny ways. At 24, you have a couple decades to consider having more kids (although, side note, I don't know that I recommend the whole "giving birth at 42" thing, although I do love the end result). Larger gaps come with their own challenges, but so do small gaps.
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