On the subject of funerals...mortuary did a terrible job!

[lemondog]

Have you ever been to a funeral where there should NOT have been an open casket? I had a friend pass away very unexpectedly about 10 days ago. He was 39. I was shocked. He and I had been VERY close in high school and college, even talked a lot about starting a relationship but I just could never "like" him in that way so it didn't work out. Unfortunately after college graduation we lost touch, only to reconnect about a year ago thanks to FB. We had talked week before last, next thing I know his family has posted his visitation info on his FB page. THAT is how I found out he died.

WARNING: NEXT PART IS GRAPHIC RE: BODY IN CASKET.








Anyway, I attended the visitation and I know I must have visibly blanched when I saw him. I have never, ever in my life seen a body that looked so much like...well....a corpse....at a funeral before (and I have been to plenty of them). His lips were BLUE. I am not kidding, blue. His skin was a yellowish sallow pasty color, it's the exact color my grandmother turned right after she died. I could not BELIEVE they would display him in that state. You could see the makeup kind of smeared all over his face, but they didn't bother to put any color on him at all, and NOTHING on his lips. I truly kid you not when I say they were blue, with a very thin layer of makeup smeared over them. It was bizarre.

A very respected funeral home handled the remains, in fact they did my grandmother and seriously, she looked better in the casket than she had in YEARS...everyone commented on it. Her face was warm and stress free, and she looked like she was sleeping. My friend literally looked like a dead body.

I can't get the image out of my head and almost wish I hadn't gone, or at least hadn't gone over to the casket. Seriously, if I had been his family I would have either demanded they redo it, or just closed the casket. That is not the way anyone should have to remember him.

 

[disneybound2010]

From my own personal standpoint, I think ALL caskets should be closed. I refer to remember the person as they were living and vibrant, not as a corpse that people are commenting on whether or not they look good in death...I still have the vision of my Mom in her casket and it still haunts me that this is the last way I remember her

Aside from that, I have had one friend that looked absolutely angelic in her casket and if they have a casket catalog she could have been a model in one. She was 14 and had been thrown from a vehicle. The makeup, clothing and the way her hair was done hid everything! She truly looked like a sleeping princess. It was really hard to believe she wasn't going to wake up from that.

The absolute WORST job I have ever seen was another friend who had been murdered. She had been strangled and there was no hiding it, although the morticians did try with at least a gallon of makeup caked in blotches all over her neck. On top of it, they did her hair in a way she never would have worn it and used makeup she would never have dreamed of using. She was 19 and looked 80 by the time they got done. I hated seeing her that way and could almost hear her cursing them all LOL

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It sounds like the place did a poor job with preparing the body.

I do not have an issue with open caskets at funerals and it would not freak me out, no matter the state.

I am sorry for you loss.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I also believe in closed caskets, open caskets creep me out. In this case, maybe he was dead a long time before he was discovered. There's only so much that can be done with make up, his family may have insisted the casket be open anyway.

 

[lemondog]

I also believe in closed caskets, open caskets creep me out. In this case, maybe he was dead a long time before he was discovered. There's only so much that can be done with make up, his family may have insisted the casket be open anyway.

No, he passed away in the hospital. Definitely not an issue of the body not being found.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Funeral homes do the best that they can for each person. Sometimes they advise a family not to have an open casket because of what you witnessed, but the family will insist upon it and they follow the family's wishes.

 

[bumbershoot]

I still have the vision of my Mom in her casket and it still haunts me that this is the last way I remember her

I'm so sorry. My brother and I both chose to not attend visitation the night before or in the hour before hour mom's funeral, and neither one of us regrets it. Felt controversial at the time (at least for me), but I didn't want what you said happened, where you'll always remember it. I'm so sorry.


OP, maybe you should write the mortuary about it.

 

[SandrA9810]

It's probably a lot more common than most people want to think. When my grandfather died, the practically made him look orange, and no where near his actual skin tone. More recently when my aunt (father's side) died, she looked exactly as I remembered her, but I didn't see her all that often.

 

[EMom]

When I was 12, a 13 y.o. friend died in a motorcycle accident. To be blunt, his head was split open when it hit a tree. My best friend and I went to the visitation....The two of us girls had been supposed to go riding motorcycles with them that day, but my mother had refused to let us.

I do not know what possessed his parents to have an open casket, even though that was the norm where we lived at the time. I can say his poor mother was in shock and I doubt she was thinking clearly. When my friend and I got up to the casket....Dear Lord! I guess they had done the best they could, but you could see a LINE where his head had been split open. Kind of like two puzzle pieces fitting together. He had been the handsomest boy in his class and he looked so horrible.

My friend and I were both upset by the time we got home. My friend's mother had taken us to the visitation and after hearing how the boy looked and how it upset us, my mother vetoed attending the funeral. Considering I can still see that godawful vision decades later, I think she was right in doing so. We would have all been better off remembering his beautiful face.

 

[indimom]

I've never seen a "poorly presented" body for viewing, they always appeared peacefully sleeping or had a closed casket (also a motorcycle accident for a teen). But, at least once, it was too well done. I babysat a lot as a teen and one of the infants I babysat for died of SIDS at home (not while I was there). I went to the funeral and she looked like the most perfect little china doll, it was disturbing.
On the subject of open vs. closed casket, I am NOT comfortable with open casket funerals. I go through the motions, because it is the done thing here. But it is never going to be something that feels right to me. (Probably has something to do with "loving relatives" who felt the need to pull me to the front of the funeral home during visitations for both my grandfathers and force me to stand in front of the open casket and verbally say my goodbyes. I was 13 and 16 at these funerals and have never forgotten this.)
I fully intend to be cremated and told DH he can "flush me or throw me to the four winds," just don't flash my corpse at our grandkids, please!!!

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

I'm so sorry. My brother and I both chose to not attend visitation the night before or in the hour before hour mom's funeral, and neither one of us regrets it. Felt controversial at the time (at least for me), but I didn't want what you said happened, where you'll always remember it. I'm so sorry.


OP, maybe you should write the mortuary about it.

I am so happy I stumbled on this thread. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I was with my dad when he died in the hospital and I said good by as soon as he passed. After they took the tubes out they said we could go back in. I did NOT want to go but my family members guilted me into it. Worst thing I ever did. That is all I see when I think of him. At his wake I did NOT go near the casket would not even look at it.

My family think I am weird that I do not want to go and "pay last respects". My feeling is if I respect them in life then there is not "last respect".

 

[Patricia]

Very complicated issue. I have lost everyone in my immediate family and after all this experience, I am SURE that I do not want any wake at all. I do not feel the least bit comforted by people coming to " pay their last respects" to the family in that setting. Additionally, I was quite annoyed by the stream of people who had not seen my family in years and felt the need to come to the wakes to just say they had been there. I am also a believer in closed caskets. It is a very difficult image to remove from your mind whether the loved one looks " good" or not. I get a lot of grief from family and friends when I tell them there will not be a wake for me when I pass, but I really do feel it's the right choice for me. My mother's and sister's wakes were awful, in my opinion, and I do not want my children or anyone else who really loves me, to have to experience that.

 

[stichy]

In high school a friend was killed when he was hanging out of a car's passenger window and his face hit a tree. He was greek and had a very prominent nose. He had a open casket and the nose he had then was not the nose he had in life.

 

[DizBelle]

Is it possible the family insisted on not having or removing any makeup the funeral home had put on?

 

[lemondog]

Is it possible the family insisted on not having or removing any makeup the funeral home had put on?

I suppose anything is possible. Your responses have been good for me to hear. They probaby did want an open casket and that is what matters. It was hard for me to see but it's part of life, unfortunately.

My dad has always said he wants to be cremated. Fine by me!

 

[Nik's Mom]

First of all, so sorry about your friend. I am sorry you were traumatized by his viewing. I had a best friend die in high school. She was thrown from the car. The person in the casket looked nothing like my friend. I was in such shock after I saw her! It just made things worse.

On the other hand, my father looked perfect. He died of cancer and in the end, he was pretty much just skin and bones. We brought in a picture of my dad taken when he was still healthy. The picture was probably 15 years old. Well, they made him look just like that.

When I saw my dad, I told the funeral director that he didn't look like my dad. I saw the funeral director get nervous, so I told him that I meant it didn't look like my dad who had cancer. They made him look like he did years ago. I was so thankful that they made him look well.

But to be honest, I prefer not to see people in the caskets. I want to remember then when they were alive.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Sorry for your loss!

Being Jewish, we don't have open caskets. If you are a close family member you can see the person before the funeral. I didn't for my grandmother or my mother. Not something I wanted to see. I had seen my mom in the hosptital, and that was enough. I actually had to argue with the nurses, since my DS's 13 & 14, insisted on seeing her to say goodbye. She just looked like she was sleeping, and I had no issues, but the nurse for some reason did. I also had to tell the funeral director that my cousins were allowed to see my mom at the funeral home, the director wouldn't let them.

Is there a reason or tradition for open caskets??

 

[SpecialK]

Most Catholic funerals that I've attended have been open casket, but I have no idea why.

My mother's funeral was open casket and it was comforting to see her looking herself after watching cancer ravage her.

My sister and I chose to have a closed casket for my father. He was always meticulous about his appearance, and he was so thin when he died we didn't think he would want to be seen like that. In the end, it was also much easier on our children.

 

[Darsa]

Wow... I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of open caskets; the only one I've been "okay" with was my Gram's; we kids all went up together, and we all said it didn't look like Gram. My oldest brother (and the oldest grandchild) tracked down her glasses and put them on her; THEN she looked like the Gram we remembered, falling asleep in her recliner with a crossword puzzle in her lap and the cat playing with the pencil she dropped when she dozed off...

Even before my mom's liver problems, and especially now after all that's happened, I have demanded to my family that after I pass, anything usable is to be donated and whatever's left can be cremated. I don't plan to take this body with me wherever I end up, so why not leave it here where it'll do someone else some good? I hope!

 

[Debbie7452]

I'm so glad there are others who feel like I do. I thought I had a "problem" because I can't handle open caskets of any kind. I have impressed upon my family and kids (they are older teens) that I absolutely insist upon a closed casket during my funeral events(not any time soon, hopefully!). If they want to see me privately that way, OK, but not everyone there. I told my oldest daughter that if she disobeys, I will rise up out of the casket and chastise her directly. I know that sounds morbid, but it's become somewhat of a family joke.

I hope she remembers that after I'm gone and it makes her smile a little.