New Year New Me I want to walk out of my marriage

[jennabac]

Thank you everyone for the answers. It is too painful to read and reread my post so i am deleting it. I will try what everyone suggested.

 

[The Princess]

First of all.....

Have you tried to have a heart to heart talk with him maybe thats a start.

Whatever you decide I wish the best for you.

 

[FireDancer]

Mom, is that you

I kid because a lot of what you posted could have been my mom. She didn't marry young, she was 28, but she had signs the day of the wedding that my dad was a liar and boy did he not disappoint. He is a gambler and lier and while the situation is not the same two very important factors are 1. it was not a happy family despite my mom's attempts, 2. she felt like she was in it this long, how do you walk away (look up the definition if escalation of commitment).

Now, parents often think that staying together for the kids is a noble thing and than they can hide some of the problems from us. Much as your kids caught on I assure you we all do. We know that there is something just not right and while we might be to young, naive, or both to figure it out we will. I think all of our lives would have been much happier (tougher maybe but definitely happier) had my parents just divorced the first time they separated when I was 10.

As far as the second goes, it is never "to late" to try for happiness. My mom was 51 when they finally divorced and while live hasn't been easy since she is much happier than being still with my father. Life is too short to be unhappy and while it might feel like 41 is old to start over 42, 43, 50, and 60 are much older to start over. If 5 years you can either be 5 years into a new life of 5 years deeper into a relationship that you are not happy in thinking 46 is too old to get out.

Good luck with your personal pursuit of happiness.

 

[kidzmom3]

you personally need counseling. I would go for myself ASAP! Your tale is very sad (for everyone!) You need to help your kids . . . they sound so lost. I doubt they Want to go through life without a real father. Especially if he tries so hard to be a good dad. One thing to remember, the grass is always greener. It is hard if not impossible to live off minimum wage. You can't move out of state with a minor child without permission from a judge. Did you love him before?

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Try seeing a therapist and see if you can forgive your dh and move forward together. If that's impossible, there's no point in staying together and everyone being miserable. In the meantime, I suggest you get a job and start saving some money. If you have to, go back to school so you will be able to get a good job and support yourself within the next few years.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If you're not sure you want to end it, I think counselling could really help you. I think you and your husband should go, but also your whole family could use counselling. I would guess your children are hurting, too.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why can't you make friends now? I know you haven't tried counseling in the past but maybe now might be a good time because it would be an unbiased person giving you all the pros and cons etc. You could also work now since both of your children are school age. You could get any job just to get your feet wet so to speak. You leaving will not change the relationship your kids have with their Dad. I think it would make it worse. That doesn't seem fair. I would try and at least work on that. Maybe you really need to reconnect or maybe you do need to call it quits. Either way you need to not have a romanticized vision of what it will be like. You have to be ready to throw in the towel because it is simply what you completely want. Not because you think life will be footloose and fancy free. I wish you luck in your decision and I hope you are able to be happy no matter what you choose. JMHO.

 

[Wall-E1]

I would also suggest a therapist. I would probably do a combination of family, marriage and one on one counseling. This can all be done with one therapist. The therapist may well be the one who helps you to see that you need to end the marriage, or the therapist may be the one who gets the family to open up to each other and come back together. A lot of people discount therapy and feel it will not change anything. If you are open and honest with a therapist, you will be amazed at what you get out of it. It doesn't sound like there are any "bad guys" in your family, but it does sound like your family and marriage could use outside help. I would do that first, before making a big life change. At the very least, after working out your issues in therapy, you will probably be able to achieve happiness, one way or another. Good luck.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with other posters. Before you make such a big decision, you should consider getting couseling IMHO (maybe individual, couples, and/or family counseling). It really doesn't sound like anybody has gotten past the situation (which I can certainly understand), but it would probably be in everybody's best mental health interest to try to deal with it.

Also, while I know that some peoples lives do improve after divorce, I've heard many comment that it was a lot harder than they thought it would be. If counseling could help you, it would certainly be worthwhile.

I wish your family the best of luck in dealing with everything.

 

[Silent1CB]

Grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

I don't see how leaving your husband gets you friends. You can go get friends, hobbies, a job, a life and stay married. All the problems you list are not simply because you are married.

You 2 need to talk and probably get some counseling. Together and for yourself.

As for the kids, heck, they sound normal to me. Not all kids are close with their parents or both parents.

Good luck.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Well. Whew.

You've said multiple times that you do not love your husband of 19 years. Yet you have not left him, and you state that you feel bad that your children do not show him the sort of love you feel they should.

What do you think is out there that you do not have in your life now? What do you think you are missing that you cannot have in your life now, cannot work to get back in your life now?

What do you really want from life? Do you want to walk away from this man with whom you've spent all those years?

41 is not old by any means, far too young to live in misery or discontent. However, does it take leaving to reverse those states?

Only you can answer those and any other question that may be posed to you here or in your own mind. I'd not try to answer them here, it's not for us to know; rather for you to decide.

Sending all good wishes that you can determine which course is best for you, your children, your husband and your futures. May 2010 be a good year for you.

 

[bballmom56]

From what you have posted, it sounds like your DH has tried very hard to atone for what he did. Perhaps the children are following your lead in their feelings toward him? I agree with everyone else that you should try counseling before giving up on it.

 

[terri01p]

.

 

[HonestAbe]

After having read the posts, I think Terri has given some of the best advice as did FireDancer.

To me you said you've not been in love for some time. Making the decision to end the marriage is a hard one. Being married can be hard work too, but if you do not love him, you should end it and move on with your life. IMO, he may have atoned for his failure and should be forgiven, but at the same time it seems very obvious this is well beyond repair.

Staying together because of your daughter is the wrong mistake. Think about the message that you are sending to her? What will this mean for her and her future relationships? Dont think for a second she doesnt know you have an unhealthy marriage. She knows.

Finding an amicable separation for the marriage is the way to go in my humble opinion. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you will doubt your courage. But you must overcome your fears and move on with your life.

And I also agree with the counseling aspect of this. You cant blame your husband for your lack of friends or your job situation. You made choices and now you have to live with them. But that doesnt mean that you cant have friends or a successful job. But YOU have to make the choice and have the strength to follow through.

Make sure you talk to your daughter through this. You may not have to tell her everything, but she should know that you value her, you value feeling and needing love from your partner, and that's what you are seeking. Perhaps later you can tell her why when you're ready, but she should know you need this and that you love her.

You might be surprised if you ask your husband to leave too. Sounds like you want to flee the state and your home...well, remember he's the one who blew it. Not you. I would try to work with him to arrange for him to get an apartment or something...but you shouldnt have to leave your home if you really dont want to.

Again - all my opinion for what its worth. Do what you know is right in your heart.

Honest Abe.

 

[Zandy595]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say, I know how you feel. Some people can get over a cheating spouse and others can never love that person again, no matter how hard they try. You deserve to be happy, we all do. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[brytorlyn]

I have been where you are and I can only say that you need to take a step towards your own life...find a job...prepare to care for yourself and your daughter. Build YOUR life...make friends of your own..take a class to meet people if you have to. When you are independent you will find leaving easier.

I got a job, got a life and moved on. I am now happily remarried and the kids have a good relationship with their step dad..not perfect but better than the relationship with their father (long story short they blame my ex for the problems that led to the divorce).

My kids were a little younger but they coped fine..I am sure it has affected them but don't fool yourself that living in a bad marriage won't affect them too.

 

[bumbershoot]

The problem was that my kids cried, i cried and I never ever got past that and stopped loving him soon after. I tried to love him but could not get myself to anymore.

You divorcing your husband will not make your children like or love their father more. It's not a reason to divorce.

Divorcing, as others just said, won't get you friends or a job or any of that.


I'm sure it's very hard to have such a lack of feeling for your husband. There was a time that my then fiance felt he didn't love me, and he left b/c of that lack of feeling. But he got counseling, b/c he couldn't believe that he'd left me (he kinda likes me) and he coudln't believe how MEAN he had been, and rather quickly realized that he could not love another person until he loved, or at least accepted, himself. That realization was astonishing for him, and just about as soon as he realized that it was his own self that he disliked, and that there were ways to improve himself so he liked himself more, he realized that he shouldn't have left. So he worked with solo counseling for a few months, then when he was sure of himself, he asked me to go to couples counseling.

In couples counseling, we both learned to work through problems we had had, and problems that would come up in the future.


I don't know if anything can help you fall back in love with your husband. Especially since there was an affair, and so much time has gone on...it might just be too deep to muck through.

But it's worth a solid try. The only thing divorce WILL get you is no husband and a harder financial life. You might be able to get someone new, in time, but then again, the dating scene might be different than it was when you met your DH! I am just about the same age as you, and was in that scene 10 years ago...it wasn't pretty then, and I can't imagine it's any better now!

Give counseling a shot. Even if you still get divorced, it could serve as a nice way to help yourself as you move forward.

 

[DVCJones]

First I just want to send a big

Second, I know you said you don't love your husband anymore, but you also said that you feel sad that he is not receiving the love he deserves for all his effort. Is it possible that you still love him on some level? Even if it is small?

If you have any doubt about walking away from a 19 year marriage, I would seek some marriage counseling. If it works, great! If it doesn't, you will know that you have tried everything. You may be surprised about marriage counseling. A good counselor may be able to get you both back on the romance track. They are very good at getting to the root of the problem and opening discussion. They may also suggest that you commit to doing a "date night" each week, a second honeymoon, a family vacation, family therapy, etc.

You may find out you or your DH suffer from depression. It is hard to feel LOVE when you are depressed.

Give it a shot, you really have nothing to lose. You can still always walk out of the marriage if it doesn't work out.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Ghosthost999]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but simply wanted to wish you well in whatever decision you make for yourself and your family. You are obviously reaching out for support so while it isn't much, here is a virtual hug for you.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I guess I'm going to be the tough love post again, sigh, but here it goes:

I've seen lots of people in my life do exactly what you are doing, and it hasn't ended well. Here's the thing- the lonely, friendless, timid person you are right now? The day the divorce papers are signed, you'll still be that person. Only you'll be that person trying to cope with making a living, forging a life, paying bills, and having no one to go home to. We' d all love to have divorce stories be like Under the Tuscan Sun, but in real life women struggle with the aftermath of divorce. Finding love is not easy, and if you find someone, he will likely have children of his own and baggage from a previous marriage. Its complicated.

I'm not saying you should stay with your husband, I'm saying you should try working on yourself - and the marriage- first. The life that you've hated- you built it. Whatever happened in the marriage that resulted in your DH's infidelity (and I'm NOT saying its your fault at all), you were a part of that marriage. You may not have made this mess, but you contributed to it and chose to live in it for a long time. That tells me you personally need some guidance.

In addition, I'll say this- your husband has been trying for six years to make up for his mistake, I think you owe it to him to try counseling.

I've been the child in this type of marriage. If it really can't be saved, you do need to move on - I wish my own parents would have- but you need to get your own issues straightened out first.