Need advice on the drama

[Sleepyluke]

Ok, so let me make sure I understand the question -

1) Disappoint your half sister whom you haven't seen in 8 years, don't have a close relationship with, calls you self centered, a snot, doesn't want anything to do with you, is marrying someone you think is not a good person, and won't appreciate the sacrifice you would make to be there....

OR​

2) Disappoint your immediate family who are people who love you unconditionally and want you in their life, are supportive of you no matter what, want to enjoy a trip of a lifetime with you and make you happy.

Remind me again - what was the question?

I like this!

We have not had to make this big of a decision, but I get crap from my sister when i don't tell her we are coming to town, but they do not show up when we do tell them we are coming. It is a lose lose sometimes and you end up the one that is upset about it and they are off having fun. Go on the trip.

 

[Inkmahm]

Well, if you want the short answer it's easy.

Did you make your trip plans (as in, firm plans, not tentative thoughts) before she changed her wedding date, or after she changed her date? If it was before, then it's not really your fault she changed her mind. If it was so important to her that you be there, she would have checked with you before resetting the date. The fact that the world doesn't change to suit her whim is a lesson she will hopefully learn at some point. Having done the whole bridal thing, we set dates after consulting the people I couldn't live without having at the wedding. Anyone else, well I figured I'd just have to live with the disappointment.

But if you made the plans after she changed her wedding date, then...well, I think you already made the decision about who or what is important to you and are just going to have to live with being the bad guy. You can't have it both ways.

Long part: I know what it is like to have a relative you, in an ideal world, should be close to but situation, history and/or personalities just make it impossible. It's hard to let go of that guilt even when you know it's really for the best that you are not family in the emotional sense of the word. From your post it seems you don't really feel bad about missing her wedding or being closer to her, but what you do seem to feel is bad that you don't feel bad about it. Make sense?

Regardless, you don't really need anyone to tell you if you are right or wrong as your sister/father are going to think that about you no matter how many other people disagree with them. You just have to decide that if sis thinks this is a situation that will make or break your relationship with her, whether you think it's worth it.

Excellent post.

 

[ibouncetoo]

Ok, so let me make sure I understand the question -

1) Disappoint your half sister whom you haven't seen in 8 years, don't have a close relationship with, calls you self centered, a snot, doesn't want anything to do with you, is marrying someone you think is not a good person, and won't appreciate the sacrifice you would make to be there....

OR​

2) Disappoint your immediate family who are people who love you unconditionally and want you in their life, are supportive of you no matter what, want to enjoy a trip of a lifetime with you and make you happy.

Remind me again - what was the question?

Yep, that about sums it up!


You can promise her you'll be at her next wedding......or bail her out of jail when she strangles the guy......

 

[GratefulParrot]

Ok, so let me make sure I understand the question -

1) Disappoint your half sister whom you haven't seen in 8 years, don't have a close relationship with, calls you self centered, a snot, doesn't want anything to do with you, is marrying someone you think is not a good person, and won't appreciate the sacrifice you would make to be there....

OR​

2) Disappoint your immediate family who are people who love you unconditionally and want you in their life, are supportive of you no matter what, want to enjoy a trip of a lifetime with you and make you happy.

Remind me again - what was the question?

This is the correct answer. I have the same relationship as the OP, with my brother, but also tac on that DW and I have to take care of my alzhiemer mother. Let the dead family go, and embrace you current immediate family members with all your love, and forget those who shun you.

 

[Tinkerkell123]

I agree with everyone else, go on vacation!!! If you go to the wedding you will be miserable and so will your family...

Good luck and have fun on vacay!

 

[Inkmahm]

While I agree with going on your vacation as planned, I can also relate to the sister's point of view. When DH and I married, his sister and her family did not attend our wedding. We lived in a different state and I wanted her two kids to be in our wedding. We even offered to pay all of the expenses for her and her family to fly here for the wedding and still the answer was "no." As a result, we have no complete family pictures from my DH's side of the family as one of his 3 siblings was missing (the rest of the family did fly here for us.)

I haven't forgiven the SIL and probably never will. She is always cold to me, no matter what I do. It's a no win situation.

Oh yeah, want to know the reason why they didn't come to the wedding? Because having the wedding was "silly" in my SIL's opinion. The planned wedding ended up being a vows renewal as we discovered my dad was dying right after we were engaged. We put together a small wedding for immediate family only in about a month's time so that he would be around to walk me down the aisle. He died soon after and I'm grateful I had the chance to have him at my "real" wedding. Most people understood that our wedding and reception was still important to us, even though we were technically already married. My SIL never even sent us a card or congratulated us. For either wedding.

Even with that history with my SIL, I say the OP should go on her vacation to Disney.

 

[mickey7879]

Thanks everyone.... Don't know how to multi quote, but I'll try answering a few questions.

My sister was at my wedding....only because I paid out of my pocket to fly her up here and paid for everything while she was here. Then, my grandparents drove her back home....from Maine to NC. Not cheap for any of us, but we made it work. At the time she was only like 11 or 12. My dad didn't come because he says he couldn't afford it.

No matter what the situation has been, that's been the reponse of my dad and sister.

In November 2008, my dad came up for what was going to be a few week visit. While here, he managed to wreck 3 vehicles. Yes, 3!!!! As in totalled them completely! He's on medication for pain or whatever and is just too doped up. He stayed with my grandparents and sister. During that time, we drove to Florida for a month long vacation.....while gone is when he managed to total 2 of the vehicles. Thought we were going to be lucky and miss most of his visit (everyone was on edge the whole time he was here). But his few week visit turned into a 5 MONTH visit! He only gets disability checks and was depending on my poor grandparents to pay....they are really poor too and health not so great. He then stayed with my sister for a bit where she caught him going through her car late at night....not sure if he was looking for money or drugs....but he found neither. You could be talking to him and he would just pass out/fall asleep whatever. Even my 15 month old running around the house didn't wake him. He did that for 2.5 hrs while visiting at my house. Him and my mom divorced 28 yrs ago. He's has a violent temper....mixed with drugs and alcohol. He and my sister that lives with him, can't seem to understand why no one wants to be there. To us it's obvious. Oh, and while here ended up in jail because of the accidents. Then had to drive back up here (my sister drove him up is the only reason we saw her last year for a day) to go to court. He ended up costing my other sister that lives up here several thousands of dollars....which she couldn't afford and hasn't got paid back. Gave him several vehicles....and wasn't grateful and only complained the whole time about what kind of car or truck it was.

Our vacation plans are booked. Cruise booked, timeshare exchanged for 2 weeks, etc.

Yes, I did want my family at my wedding, but at the time, dad wasn't this big with having the methadone and other pain killers (at least we didn't know about it.....I got married 10 yrs ago). Now though, I wouldn't have even invited him.

One thing goes wrong or you say something my sister doesn't want to hear, you're considered everything she called me.

We're going on vacation, not going to the wedding and guess I'm looking for someone to agree with me I guess and just to see what others would do.

I wanted to say to her that I wanted to make my family happy and do right by them, but not calling her *family* would've opened another can of worms!

Thank you all for your replies.

 

[camarks1234]

It sounds like you've made the right decision. Now try not to worry about it.

Family relationships can be wonderful or AWFUL. Sounds like there is a lot of awful there.

 

[Magic3forme]

how many smiles do you think you will have at your sisters wedding? how often will you laugh and say wow this is great?

Go on vacation!! marriages dont always last... but great memories with Mickey do!!

 

[mmouse37]

This is actually more about the drama then about the cruise so I am moving this over to the community board where you can continue the dialogue.
Thanks.

MJ

 

[Rora]

Go on vacation. You aren't doing anything wrong.

 

[pioneer89]

/snarky on

Tell her you're very sorry you're missing her wedding, but you cross-your-heart promise to make her second.

/snarky off

 

[TheWog]

While I agree with going on your vacation as planned, I can also relate to the sister's point of view. When DH and I married, his sister and her family did not attend our wedding. We lived in a different state and I wanted her two kids to be in our wedding. We even offered to pay all of the expenses for her and her family to fly here for the wedding and still the answer was "no." As a result, we have no complete family pictures from my DH's side of the family as one of his 3 siblings was missing (the rest of the family did fly here for us.)

I haven't forgiven the SIL and probably never will. She is always cold to me, no matter what I do. It's a no win situation.

Oh yeah, want to know the reason why they didn't come to the wedding? Because having the wedding was "silly" in my SIL's opinion. The planned wedding ended up being a vows renewal as we discovered my dad was dying right after we were engaged. We put together a small wedding for immediate family only in about a month's time so that he would be around to walk me down the aisle. He died soon after and I'm grateful I had the chance to have him at my "real" wedding. Most people understood that our wedding and reception was still important to us, even though we were technically already married. My SIL never even sent us a card or congratulated us. For either wedding.

Even with that history with my SIL, I say the OP should go on her vacation to Disney.

Sounds to me like the wedding pictures are complete. Their loss not yours.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Ok, so let me make sure I understand the question -

1) Disappoint your half sister whom you haven't seen in 8 years, don't have a close relationship with, calls you self centered, a snot, doesn't want anything to do with you, is marrying someone you think is not a good person, and won't appreciate the sacrifice you would make to be there....

OR​

2) Disappoint your immediate family who are people who love you unconditionally and want you in their life, are supportive of you no matter what, want to enjoy a trip of a lifetime with you and make you happy.

Remind me again - what was the question?

Okay, I didn't get any further from this post. I believe she says it all.

 

[luvmy3]

Enjoy your vacation!

 

[SC Minnie]

Go on you vacation. I doubt the wedding will actually take place anyway.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

So, would you cancel your Disney trip or go to the wedding?

Go on the Disney trip.

By next May, Sis could have had it up to HERE with the loser and cancelled the wedding. She already changed her mind once.

I agree.

 

[Scurvy]

You already committed to plans with your mother-in-law for that time. It would be rude of you to back out now. Have fun on your trip and tell your sister you're sorry but you already had plans for next May that can't be altered.

 

[Pigeon]

The timing of things isn't clear to me.

If you had your vacation booked, and then she sprung the wedding date on you, I'd stick with the vacation.

If she'd announced the wedding date first, then I'd try to work the wedding in.

It does sound to me like you are trying to rationalize not going. The fact that you don't like her fiance or your father is irrelevant. The question is how important is it to you to support your sister on her wedding day. (If it's not important, that's OK, but I'd not cloud it with other issues.)

 

[robinb]

So, here it goes.....

I live in ME and my half sister lives in NC. I saw her this past summer, but before that it had been like 8 or so years. She's 22. Was planning on getting married this past May, but decided to hold off til May 2011. We rarely talk. Our father is a sore subject.

She sent me a message tonight asking if we'd be attending her wedding. I told her probably not because we already have a trip planned......a month long vacation involving the beach, WDW and a Disney Cruise.

Huge drama unraveled and me getting accused of being selfish, a snot and self-centered because we're going on vacation instead of going to her only wedding.

From what I understand, this guy is a loser....no job, no house, has a child that he has to pay child support to (that my sister pays since he has no job) and he can't see his child and they have had fights where she ends up trying to choke him.

Like I said, drama!

I also need to mention that my MIL is paying for most of this trip or it wouldn't be possible. All we need to pay for is food, souvenirs and 1 park ticket for an adult and 1 for a child.

Sorry to drag you all into this. *Others* don't seem to Disney is a big deal or fun and don't understand why we go. Sister thinks we're made of money since we travel a lot (which obviously we aren't) and now doesn't want anything to do with me. Hate to say it, it doesn't hurt my feelings much since we aren't close at all.....only used to see each other because my dad would fly us out to see him when we were still in school and haven't done that for 16 years now.

So, would you cancel your Disney trip or go to the wedding?

I guess I'm going to be the voice of dissension here. I don't see this as an either-or scenario. Unless your cruise overlaps the wedding itself you could take 3 days out of your 1-month vacay and go to her wedding. Yes, that would mean that you would have to pay for a flight from FL to NC, car rental for the weekend and a hotel room. But you would have had to do that if they were married in April or June, wouldn't you?

Your sister's wedding is not just right around the corner ... it's is 8 months from now. You have plenty of time to make it work if you want to. If you don't want to, then be prepared for the fall out from your father's side of the family.