Need advice on domestic abuse issue ASAP

[beautybelle]

I have a long story and Im at my wits end on what to do.
I went to my best friends wedding this weekend and while I was there I sat down to eat across from her sister and her boyfriend. I was there all of 5 minutes before realizing that little sis was in HUGE trouble, Im really trying to make this story as short as I can so Im leaving out a lot of detail but I will say that it took every ounce of willpower I had not to lunge across the table and grab that $#%# by the throat. So I done the next logical thing, I went straight into the house and got her mother and took her to a back bedroom and told her that "little sis" is in trouble (Oh I was about to leave out that "little sis" is leaving at the end of July to move south with this jerk and that shes only 18) and while I was explaining what I found out she was agreeing with me the whole time and then proceeds to tell me that the jerk (and Im being nice here) kicked her and almost broke her leg just 2 days prior. I asked the mom why the jerk wasnt in the ICU unit at the hospital because had it been my daughter he wouldnt have been able to walk out of my house on his own. But anyway she also proceeds to tell me of other things he's done. I told her that he is going to take her to SC and cut her off from any friends and family that would support her at all. Well during my conversation with the mom I realized that she is wanting her gone and out of her hair. Mom isnt willing to step in. I told her that if she would cut off "little sis" funds she COULDNT go to SC and would have to stay home. She wont do it.
Ok next step was to tell "big sis". I told her what I knew and what mom said as well and still there was no support forthcoming. Oh "big sis" is a police officer too.
I lived over 7 years in a very abusive relationship and I can pick up the signs very quickly and I know without a doubt in my mind that if she goes to SC with this guy it could be very very bad news. Im worried sick about it because I know that nobody is going to even try to help her. I told her that night before she left that I wanted to take her out to eat and that I wanted to talk to her about something but she knew something was up with me because of how I treated jerk all night. I dont know what to say to her other than maybe tell her my story and hope she picks up on the signs (the kick alone should've been more than enough) but I need to do something and I know that if I go into it throwing crappy remarks about jerk then it will only push her closer to him and defend him and make me look like the bad guy.
If her mom would cut off her funds I would let her come stay with me but thats just not going to happen.
I cant go to sleep hardly without thinking about whats going on.
What do I do now? Its a very serious situation that will get worse if she leaves and time is closing in. I truly love this little girl (and to me thats what she is) I remember keeping her when she was about my daughters age and running around with long blond hair just bouncing all over the place and a dirty face. Shes just a 18 year old baby and this piece of sh!^ that shes "in love with" is treating her like an old rug. He knows I know, I made it very clear to him the night of the wedding. My husband asked me after it was overwith why I was so mean to "little sis" boyfriend. I told him and now he's with me.
Gosh, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?

 

[manning]

Like it or not, you are in a losing position. Nothing you say will help.

 

[fiveforall]

You are in a tough situation. I too lived seven years in an abusive relationship(beginning at 18) and though my family and friends saw the signs and begged me to get help, the abuser had me so brainwashed that I continued to put up with all the violence. The last straw came when my ex pushed me down some stairs, breaking several bones, and our daughter witnessed the scene. Thankfully, my family didn't allow me to totally cut them off (though he tried to get me to sever ties), and my dad was a phone call away. I left my ex with three kids in tow and only the clothes on our backs. Dad drove me to the hospital and I filed a police report.

Enough of my story....unless your friend's sister wants to leave her abuser, you're limited as to what you can do. But one thing you must do is to stay in constant touch with her and offer yourself as a lifeline. I had one friend who used to say over and over, "Just say the word and I'll rescue you." You've got to be that friend. Also, I would contact the girl's dad and sister and pressure them to keep the girl at home. Abusers want to distance their victims from family. Her mom should be ashamed of herself for seeing the signs and not reaching out more to her daughter. Just don't give up on your friend's sister. Call, text, email her, and hopefully her family will visit her plenty. I know you are scared.....I would be too. Sorry I can't be much help.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I have a long story and Im at my wits end on what to do.
I went to my best friends wedding this weekend and while I was there I sat down to eat across from her sister and her boyfriend. I was there all of 5 minutes before realizing that little sis was in HUGE trouble, Im really trying to make this story as short as I can so Im leaving out a lot of detail but I will say that it took every ounce of willpower I had not to lunge across the table and grab that $#%# by the throat. So I done the next logical thing, I went straight into the house and got her mother and took her to a back bedroom and told her that "little sis" is in trouble (Oh I was about to leave out that "little sis" is leaving at the end of July to move south with this jerk and that shes only 18) and while I was explaining what I found out she was agreeing with me the whole time and then proceeds to tell me that the jerk (and Im being nice here) kicked her and almost broke her leg just 2 days prior. I asked the mom why the jerk wasnt in the ICU unit at the hospital because had it been my daughter he wouldnt have been able to walk out of my house on his own. But anyway she also proceeds to tell me of other things he's done. I told her that he is going to take her to SC and cut her off from any friends and family that would support her at all. Well during my conversation with the mom I realized that she is wanting her gone and out of her hair. Mom isnt willing to step in. I told her that if she would cut off "little sis" funds she COULDNT go to SC and would have to stay home. She wont do it.
Ok next step was to tell "big sis". I told her what I knew and what mom said as well and still there was no support forthcoming. Oh "big sis" is a police officer too.
I lived over 7 years in a very abusive relationship and I can pick up the signs very quickly and I know without a doubt in my mind that if she goes to SC with this guy it could be very very bad news. Im worried sick about it because I know that nobody is going to even try to help her. I told her that night before she left that I wanted to take her out to eat and that I wanted to talk to her about something but she knew something was up with me because of how I treated jerk all night. I dont know what to say to her other than maybe tell her my story and hope she picks up on the signs (the kick alone should've been more than enough) but I need to do something and I know that if I go into it throwing crappy remarks about jerk then it will only push her closer to him and defend him and make me look like the bad guy.
If her mom would cut off her funds I would let her come stay with me but thats just not going to happen.
I cant go to sleep hardly without thinking about whats going on.
What do I do now? Its a very serious situation that will get worse if she leaves and time is closing in. I truly love this little girl (and to me thats what she is) I remember keeping her when she was about my daughters age and running around with long blond hair just bouncing all over the place and a dirty face. Shes just a 18 year old baby and this piece of sh!^ that shes "in love with" is treating her like an old rug. He knows I know, I made it very clear to him the night of the wedding. My husband asked me after it was overwith why I was so mean to "little sis" boyfriend. I told him and now he's with me.
Gosh, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?

Tell her that you think there may be trouble with Mr. Wonderful and that if there is, you'll be there for her.

Then stay out of it. There is nothing else to do.

Avoid the temptation to continue discussing it with others. You tried the family, they're staying out of it. And it isn't anyone else's business, really.

 

[disneymarie]

I am a retired police chief and can sympathise. I don't know why your older sister did not do a family sit down and inertevention.

n this day you have many, many resourses to help your family, you are not alone. It does not matter your sister will not file an order or assult.

One thing I do know, once she gets there and loses all family and friends she is as you know under his power. Also it will get worse. I know it generally takes a woman 7 attempts to really leave the man...Her age she many never leave.

1. Can you do a criminal history check for the $10 dollars?
2, I know in one case I was an assisting officer in a case the family were the complaintants and the "state" police officers were the procecuters. In this case the defendant is supeone the witness. the family can testify to what they observed, heard, etc.
3.Contact the nearest womans resourse center, the phone no. on every hospital wall etc; ask to speak to a conselor.
4. If he is charged on the civil no hit, hava attached a harassment, disorderly, citation. That is the criminal part. Generally the attorney will tell him to agree to the no hit, and they will drop the one citation. With a strong warning. He will break it and end up with your sis feeling empowered to call and have him removed. We pray. At least we are educating her, and giving her a tool to help her self.

With enough probable cause this guy can be arrested.....Ask the lil sis to at least get a no hit order....
This gets her in the system without a no contact order.
I sometimes see what this brings out in the abuser strikes a chord with the victim. Especially if they start to threaten or provoke issues with the family because of their concerns.

Is mom afaird of this guy? Would she tell her observations to a district attorney, or counselor?

I hate to tell you the very sad out comes that I have seen....
Just last month the estranged father shot his ex when she left after years of abuse. She was in nursing school.

Last week a man had a pursuit when he took his 9 year old at gun point from the mom, 40 miles away and 50 minutes in the Pocono's the man stopped the car and started a shoot out with State police. A 34 officer was dead and another hurt. The suspect was killed also.

But, the best thing is get out NOW before the control, the anger, the ownership.

A child that old does not know how to get out, thinks no one else will love them, all the drama and harmones.
Somebody has to do something.
Yes, I know I would be so tempted to return the abuse....

I think the best thing the counselors or law enforcement would do is get involoved, interview him. look for any old injuries, new, etc.
OMG, I feel so bad, I know how helpless you must feel. That is why I went into law enforcemet. No one ever wanted to do anything.
I DID. and was agressive.

I will tell you what,. one case I had a man violate a no contact to a woman staying at a friends house. They suspected someone out side spying. I went up a paralle road behind woods of their garage. With three other officers and my shot gun it took click click loading one in the chamber for Mr. Big to wet his pants. He had ammo on the truck seat, a broken shot gun and every reason for us to think he was armed.

HE looked up at my Army style boots, and gear going "oh Sh**".
I had an abusive first marriage, out me in wrestling holds, tie me in a phone cord, mind games, chant at me, torment, kept me in the home not able to leave. After he was gone he would keep breaking in. When the police showed up he told them I invited him. They why was his car parked in the woods? The last time he ever bothered me, I broke free from him enough to through a heavy glass bottle through a window and my family three houses away instinctivly knew I was in trouble.

My Mother pinned his car in when he tried to get away and rolled down her window and punched him in the face with all her power. Then he went to the bar wanting the PD called. They laughed at him.

That is when I decided to become a police officer. It took 13 more years, predudice, but I did it and was successful, admired and many people across the state knew of me.
Tough, fair, and don't touch a loved one, male or female!
Hugs to you all. I hope you can save her from a life of misery instead of a whole world to conquer.

Get her in a college class of interest she has before she plans to leave,. A jr. college is not expensive and even has non credit for flower arranging, taking care of your car. geneology, art, music ANYTHING>

di

 

[disneyjunkie]

Where are the men in this girl's family (father, brothers, uncles, cousins)?

If she won't listen to logic, why haven't they stepped in and dealt with him? (Heck, I think they should have beat his *** as soon as they found out what was going on ) Most men that abuse women wilt, when confronted by men.

 

[Jennasis]

First, let me say, I am troubled and saddened for the sister. There isn't anything yoiu can do...AT ALL, other than offer support and advice if she asks.

However...WHAT ON EARTH were you doing pulling aside the mother-of-the-bride and then teh bride herself at their WEDDING to lecture them about this??? I really hope I read what you psted incorrectly and you cornered them AFTER the wedding, which would have been the appropriate time.

 

[corndog]

How do you "almost" break a leg?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

It's sad but she's an adult and if she opts to put up with this, despite having friends and family support, there is nothing you can do.

 

[Heidict]

I think it's disgusting that her family is doing nothing to help her get out of this situation. I can't imagine what I would do if that was my daughter or sister. I don't know what has gone on before with them though and maybe they are just fed up with trying to get her out and have washed their hands of her.

All you can do, as the PP's said, is let her know that you are their for her no matter what, even if that means getting in the car and driving to SC to get her if she calls. Her knowing that there is someone who is their may save her someday.

She is an adult. A naive and probably brainwashed one, but an adult nonetheless. You can't physically restrain her from going and putting him down in front of her is only going to push her further away.

Just let her know that you and are there for her no matter what. Hopefully, someday she will wake up and realize that she deserves better then him.

 

[redrosesix]

Enough of my story....unless your friend's sister wants to leave her abuser, you're limited as to what you can do. But one thing you must do is to stay in constant touch with her and offer yourself as a lifeline. I had one friend who used to say over and over, "Just say the word and I'll rescue you." You've got to be that friend. Also, I would contact the girl's dad and sister and pressure them to keep the girl at home. Abusers want to distance their victims from family. Her mom should be ashamed of herself for seeing the signs and not reaching out more to her daughter. Just don't give up on your friend's sister. Call, text, email her, and hopefully her family will visit her plenty. I know you are scared.....I would be too. Sorry I can't be much help.

I agree with this advice whole heartedly. Since the mother is not willing to do anything, you're going to have to fill those shoes. My suggestions:
* get Big Sis to do SOMETHING -- she's a police officer, dammit, this is her job!
* contact Little Sis and make sure she knows what you've been through. See if you can get her to meet with somebody before she goes.
* find ways to stay in contact with her -- do your detective work to find out where she goes, lives, works in SC. She might think you're bugging her at first, but once she knows what she's in for, she'll be greatful for the unconditional support.
* do her research for her -- find the shelters, agencies, etc that she's going to need

As for the mother, the only thing I can say is that some women in abusive relationships that I have met become downright intolerable with others ie. can't get angry at DH so take it out on somebody else. Also, there's the guilt, shame, etc. that go with not being able to protect yourself. Maybe Little Sis has been a handful of late, but that is no excuse.

Thank god there are people like the OP out there.

 

[beautybelle]

Sorry its took me so long to get back to my post, Ive been very busy these last few days.

I called "little sis" and had her to meet me at my mothers house as she lives just a mile and half away. I told "little sis" everything that has been mentioned here. I told her that she does have choices and doesnt have to go to SC. I offered to let her come live with me. I also to her what to expect from him once he gets her to SC if she goes and I told her she can call me anytime at all and to get a secret tracphone and not let him know about it and hide it somewhere "just in case". Now all I can do is hope. When I was talking to her I couldnt stand it and I started crying because I know what shes going through and whats getting ready to happen. It breaks my heart to know that she isnt understanding how serious this is and can get even more so as time moves on.

Somebody asked me about men in the family. There is NONE, none at all. Her real father lives in Florida and we are in Virginia. Her stepdad left about 8 months ago for another woman. (Great timeing huh?) There are no brothers, just one sister.

Jennasis: Why did I confront the mother of the bride? Well the mother of the bride, sweety, is also "little sis's" mother too and the bride is "little sis's" big sis.
Did I do it at the wedding? He11 yes I did (mom I spoke to during the reception and 'big sis' afterwards), and I'd do it 1000 times over if I thought for one nanosecond that it would help her. If you want me to get real detailed about it, I would actually run up the aisle during the vows screaming like a banchee if I thought it would get her some help.
I didnt, at the time, know that the mom already knew about what was going on so I thought to enlighten her and I also didnt realize that big sis or mom wouldnt give a hoot one way or another.

 

[shortbun]

Hey OP, I'm with you 200%. The life of the girl is worth 10X the value of the wedding. No contest. Disgusting that these two women are not doing everything they can to convince this young woman that her life is in danger. Can you get her a trac phone so he doesn't have any way to find out-receipt, credit card billing, loss of cash? He's probably already keeping close tabs like that on her. Also, find out about the shelters in the area she's going and give her the info ahead of time so she has a plan even if she doesn't think she'll need it.

 

[DebIreland]

However...WHAT ON EARTH were you doing pulling aside the mother-of-the-bride and then teh bride herself at their WEDDING to lecture them about this??? I really hope I read what you psted incorrectly and you cornered them AFTER the wedding, which would have been the appropriate time.

Are you serious? There is no INappropriate time to try to get help for the victim. This girl's safety is way too important to ignore, even during a wedding reception.

OP, I think you are wonderful the way you're trying to help her. Please keep trying.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

Are you serious? There is no INappropriate time to try to get help for the victim. This girl's safety is way too important to ignore, even during a wedding reception.

OP, I think you are wonderful the way you're trying to help her. Please keep trying.

I agree, too. Wanting to "keep up appearances" is one of the reasons these abusers get away with it and so many young women end up in terrible situations or even dead! Time is of the essence in this case since she is moving out of state with her abuser soon, so I probably would have said something immediately as well. And I would NOT have been nice to a family member who didn't seem to CARE that daughter/sis is being abused and her life is in danger! Not knowing what to do is one thing, but figuring "oh well at least she's out of our hair" is DISGUSTING.

 

[KandD]

OP good for you! You are definately right, if she moves with him things are only going to get worse.

If she ends up going can you look into the nearest DV shelter/agency for her and give her the number for just in case?

It touches me that you are not blaming her but are really trying to help. You are a great friend to her and at least she knows now that she can confide in you and go to you if she does decide to leave him.

 

[shellybaxter]

Are you serious? There is no INappropriate time to try to get help for the victim. This girl's safety is way too important to ignore, even during a wedding reception.

OP, I think you are wonderful the way you're trying to help her. Please keep trying.

There may not be inappropriate times, but there are certainly better times if you want the person you are talking to to "really hear" you. A wedding is not a great time to talk to someone about something negative and expect them to respond well. OP - I'm glad you waited until the wedding was over to talk to "big sis".


BTW - I have a sister that was in a 6 year abusive relationship. OP, be careful - you will likely get your heart broken a few times before the sitution gets better (and I pray it does). No matter how illogical it is to you for "little sis" to stay with the jerk she will likely do so until she has a breaking point (like the PP who was pushed down the stairs with her children watching). For my sister it was when her husband started calling their 4 year old daughter the vile names he called her, she was afraid he would start hitting the child like he hit her.

When I later heard all of the horrible things (knife to the newborns throat, face oral sex, etc) that happened during the prep for the custody hearing I cried and cried. I felt horrible that I hadn't done something earlier, but I really could do nothing until my sister was ready to listen. In fact, until she was ready to leave my intervention could, and apparently did a coupld of times, cause her to be hurt more

 

[Kathymcbain]

I was once in an abusive relationship, and since you mentioned you were as well, I suspect deep down you already know that there is not much you can do to end the relationship until she's ready herself to get out.

You are right though, her moving with this guy is a VERY bad thing. Abusers typically isolate their victims and what better way to do it than to move somewhere new - where she won't know anyone, and he probably will keep it that way. Your mom could refuse to give her the funds, but she'd probably find a way to go anyway.

I know someone mentioned your sister stepping in as a police officer - but there isn't much the police can do unless they are informed of the abuse when it happens or are called to the hospital or by a concerned neighbor during an altercation. Even if your mom tells the police what your sister told her about the abuse, there's not much they can do if your sister won't admit it to them...your mom hearing it secondhand doesn't do prosecutors much good in court, and your sister is obviously not ready to leave.

I think the only thing you can do is exactly what you are doing. Be supportive without being judgmental. Make sure your sister knows that you are ALWAYS there for her. It's a catch-22 because you want to support your sister but you don't want to support the relationship.

How did your sister respond when you talked to her? Did she seem open to what you had to say or was she protecting him?

My heart goes out to you and to your little sister because I've been there and it's heart wrenching.

 

[Serena]

Thank you for trying to help her, I'm glad she has someone in her life that is willing.

 

[HighClass]

Tell her that you think there may be trouble with Mr. Wonderful and that if there is, you'll be there for her.

Then stay out of it. There is nothing else to do.

Avoid the temptation to continue discussing it with others. You tried the family, they're staying out of it. And it isn't anyone else's business, really.

I agree. If family wont help-no one can, Its up to HER to leave him-not you.