need advice (long, sorry)

[pyrxtc]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can not wrap my brain around why someone believes they have the right to behave the way the SM did. My ex and his girlfriend have done some things that have deserved a call to the authorities. They are never easy calls to make but I understand why you did it.

I would at least call an attorney and see if they can offer a one time free consultation. Financially it may not be worth paying huge attorney fees for a case that you won't be recouping much on. It sounds as though you are not doing it for the money but rather so they (ex & sm) realize they can not behave this way. If that is the case fill out the paperwork the best you know how. SM has already admitted she is guilty and the judge will see that.

well, it would cost me $40 for the consult with the lawyer but that is a family law lawyer so I may have to ask someone else. The court doesn't cost me anything as the state is pressing charges and she will have to pay court costs if she loses I believe.

I fully understand your reasons for pressing charges. SM overstepped her bounds and you need to establish limits. Doesn't sound like she is even a bit remorseful since she admitted what she did in court.

As for the response, I would have a lawyer review it. You are going to spend more than the boots are worth, but if it is the principle of the matter,you should enlist the help.

She is not remorseful and seems fine with it and even Ex did a double take when they told her to pay or court and she chose court.

I disagree. If she doesn't take this all the way, SM will do more and more crazy, questionable things, because she'll know she can get away with it. I would be pushing for the money plus punitive damages, an apology, and if it EVER happened again, I'd sue again. Repeats would make me want to change custody arrangements. This was a crazy, criminal act, and I wouldn't feel like my child was safe around that kind of person.

exactly why I pushed the issue and filed. I don't want this happening for the next 3 years.

I think the answer to #3 would be the cost of the boots, not necessarily the gas money. For #4, I would include any shipping costs, replacement costs, court costs, loss of time from work for court hearing, babysitting costs for day at court, etc, and list them out; the ADA will know which costs can be considered and which can't. For #5, do you want her to pay a fine as punitive damages in addition to paying damages and court costs, or are you satisfied with damages, an apology, and a statement that she has no right to determine what your daughter can and can't wear? I think your statement about exactly what you would like to see happen is good for #5.
I can't believe she admitted what she did in a clerk court, was found guilty, and is pushing forward for a full trial. Seems like this is costing her quite a bit, too, paying a lawyer and taking a chance she's going to have to pay a fine on top of the cost of the boots. Sounds like one of those, "cutting off her nose to spite her face" kind of moments. I wouldn't back down at this point after all she's put you through thus far.
She sounds like a charming individual. Good Luck!

Thank you. She doesn't seem so smart and has the attitude that it was her right.

In number 2, don't forget to include confusion over who to obey and undue stress of being stuck in the middle of this for your DD.
What is your parenting agreement? Is SM allowed to make any decisions/act in DD's interests at all? If not then you may have some ground on your custody/parenting agreement, too, as she is essentially a babysitter who acted well outside of the scope of her job.

She is not even mentioned and it was just revised in December. She has no rights but I recognize that she is her SM and will be making some decisions. If she didn't want her wearing them at that house, fine but send them home. Do not destroy them.

I suppose so. I was just giving my opinion is all. I'm actually in the middle of a court case against former tenants. The advice my lawyer gave was, even though I have a solid case, good luck chasing them through the courts. We'll never get anything out of it. And it's a whole lot more then 85 bucks.
I'm guessing she (the stepmother) is taking it as far as she can to drive the OP batty.

I'm only guessing from this post but I am thinking it will be you who pays the court fees and such. I don't have that problem. It does not have to cost me anything since she broke the law by doing what she is doing and the state is pressing charges.

This ..
Thank goodness DD is old enough or almost old enough to start making some of her own choices about if she wants to go to Dad's or not.
In the grand scheme of things .. this maybe exactly what the wicked stepmom wants .. harass the kid enough so she won't want to come over anymore and dumb a#$#@ Dad is playing right into it.

I hope so because I wouldn't cry if it did happen. Ex teaches her lots of very bad habits.

It's uncalled for to destroy the boots, but I wouldn't let my daughter wear them either. Just sayin'.

I understand that and I didn't put them on her daughter and told my DD not to wear them to SM's house anymore.

OP - Please take this in the spirit in which it is offered...

I was going to say that SM is clearly the dumbest person on the planet, but then I remembered that you ex married her....that makes him the dumbest person on the planet and your SM the second dumbest person on the planet. My guess is they will spend the rest of their lives struggling over the title.

so far, I can only say they deserve each other.
Obviously, this isn't about the $85. So it also shouldn't be about gas money and time and all that other crap. You go down that road, and you're more than a petty loser.....you're a vindictive *** who chooses your own misery, which would make you a psycho.
well I would like the money back but yes it is more about that she needs to realize that it is not her way or no way. And that she needs to let Ex and I deal with things. I ahd the answer, don't wear them there anymore and SM would never have thought about them again.
It's about power. You said so yourself. You don't need help filling out the form. There's nothing on it that a third grader couldn't answer. You need validation, some of which you've gotten here. The better part of valor is sticking to a plan of action, even if seemingly petty, and making the point you want to make, which is this: Step off *****.
I'm just not sure how to answer the questions. they are kind of vague and I'm not sure what I should include. I don't know if an apology can be part of the outcome nor that it will really mean anything different so hitting her purse for the cost may help her understand better.
At the end of the day, your actions, those of your ex, those of the SM are being watched and internalized by your kid. The example set by all becomes the experience she comes to know.
well right now I am Mom who knows nothing and Ex and SM are super know all's. Thanks to the 4 days a month she would see them.
Sue her, don't sue her....at the end of the day, you owe an honest explanation to your kid.... "I'm doing this because your SM doesn't have the right to destroy property just because she disagrees with the choices that I make for you. She is wrong, and I believe that she will continue to act this way if I don't take strong measures to stop it. She may retaliate and I have no interest in escalation, but this is something I feel is very important."
That's exactly what I told DD. It is not about the money but that she doesn't have a right to destroy what does not belong to her just because she does not like it. what's to stop her from doing something bigger next time.
Your kid may have some thoughts too.

I wouldn't have pressed charges. I would have taken the high road and calmly addressed the matter with my kid. You pressed charges, and there's nothing "wrong" with that... but you're on the highway to hell with these people....here's hoping you take the first exit.

I have taken the high road on a lot of little things but this just pushed me over the top. it was just too much especially when I have never said more than Hi to her or 2 or 3 occasions. her opinions of me are solely on what my Ex says and whatever comes out of my DD's mouth.

Dd is the typical teenage girl who thinks the grass is greener and hardly even seen Dad is God in everything he says and does. She would rather be anywhere than have to follow my rules and live in my house with me. And this was all before anything happened.

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, sorry you have to deal with such a whack job...and to the above poster...there's nothing wrong with those boots.

Dd15 has several pairs of high boots, knee high, ankle, and in-between. If another person trashed something I bought for my child, God help them. I would be angry if anyone called what my dd wore trashy.

 

[angwill]

You know the sad thing is that if the SM pushed it past the first step into a trial it sounds like she truely believes she did nothing wrong and has the right to destroy SD property as she sees fit. Will going to trial even make her wake up and understand that what she did was wrong and that she can't do such again? Also if she shredded the boots because she didn't agree with them what would she do if SD cut her hair in a way she didn't like or put on too much makeup? I don't know the woman and I am sure the OP would know if she was really looney but my heart goes out to you in having to allow your daughter around someone as looney if she really is.

 

[Buckalew11]

well, it would cost me $40 for the consult with the lawyer but that is a family law lawyer so I may have to ask someone else. The court doesn't cost me anything as the state is pressing charges and she will have to pay court costs if she loses I believe.



She is not remorseful and seems fine with it and even Ex did a double take when they told her to pay or court and she chose court.



exactly why I pushed the issue and filed. I don't want this happening for the next 3 years.




Thank you. She doesn't seem so smart and has the attitude that it was her right.



She is not even mentioned and it was just revised in December. She has no rights but I recognize that she is her SM and will be making some decisions. If she didn't want her wearing them at that house, fine but send them home. Do not destroy them.




I'm only guessing from this post but I am thinking it will be you who pays the court fees and such. I don't have that problem. It does not have to cost me anything since she broke the law by doing what she is doing and the state is pressing charges.



I hope so because I wouldn't cry if it did happen. Ex teaches her lots of very bad habits.



I understand that and I didn't put them on her daughter and told my DD not to wear them to SM's house anymore.




I have taken the high road on a lot of little things but this just pushed me over the top. it was just too much especially when I have never said more than Hi to her or 2 or 3 occasions. her opinions of me are solely on what my Ex says and whatever comes out of my DD's mouth.

Dd is the typical teenage girl who thinks the grass is greener and hardly even seen Dad is God in everything he says and does. She would rather be anywhere than have to follow my rules and live in my house with me. And this was all before anything happened.

OP, I think what your dd's SM did was wrong. I think she owes your daughter and new pair of boots or the $ for a new pair of boots. I think you have the right to get that taken care of however you can.

I find it hard to believe that your DD would rather be there with SM (who does sound like a loon) than at home with you. As the mom of a 18yo DD, I can tell you the bolded statement above is just not correct. It is NOT typical for a teenaged girl to be so unhappy when she is at home. I'd be for finding out why she feels this way (because dad's house sounds pretty dang hellish to me) and try to work through this somehow. The next 3 years will fly by, do what you can now to mend this relationship.

There's a lot of anger for kids of divorce. Please do not confuse that anger with "being a typical teenager." Counseling can help. I truly hope you can work on this with her.

 

[RitaE]

I have no idea what advice to give but I can pretty well guess that what you are going to get out of this is replacement cost plus other reasonable expenses.

Even if the court dictates that she must apologize - it is going to be an empty unmeant apology. So many times what people like this want more than anything is drama and attention and by dragging it out she is receiving those things by the bucketload.

The more it goes on the more chance she has to wail around to everybody about how she toils so hard to bring morals and decency into these poor children's life and their evil mother, her spineless husband and the judge refuse to support her purpose of of kindly guiding the child away from a life of leather floozy boots.

You really can't force the bat **** craziness out of somebody through a judge.

As for whether or not your daughter prefers to continue her visitation time with the Dad and the stepmother, well that is pretty much up to your daughter. She's the one who has to negotiate that and if she feels it is worthwhile to put up with the stepmother in order to spend time with her Dad then it is what it is.

Yes to not letting her take the new boots over there though.

 

[phorsenuf]

I'm only guessing from this post but I am thinking it will be you who pays the court fees and such. I don't have that problem. It does not have to cost me anything since she broke the law by doing what she is doing and the state is pressing charges.

Upfront, yes. But in the contract it states they will have to pay all attorney fees and court costs. We went to the police to try to press charges but were told it's a civil matter, even though they wrote us a bad check and refused to pay on it. In NH (as you may know) anything over $500 is considered a felony, but they still would not pursue it. There's damage and such as well that was not covered by the security deposit, so off to small claims we go. Bleh.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

I think it is fine for you to continue to pursue this. I wouldn't allow it to cost me any money, and I wouldn't seek extra monetary damages. Honestly, the whole situation is bat-**** crazy! Who does the stepmom think she is? I think this is about much more than a pair of boots.

 

[cornflake]

By the time the boots were shredded in the OP I was like 'this had better get to small claims court' but you went better, as the story got loonier with them saying they get to decide what she wears everyplace and shred what they don't like.

What utter lunacy. You were totally right to pursue this the way you did, imo.

I think you should absolutely consult a lawyer, your answers to the emotional and the victim cost ones are kind of wrong - and a lawyer will not only help you correct them to what the form is asking for, but will make sure the whole thing maximizes the impact of what she did.

As well, the lawyer can put in the form the price of their own costs and you'll get them back, because ex and sm be bananapants and are going to lose.

Also, frankly, you want them to recognize you are not kidding around here. I know you want the price of the boots and the gas and babysitting money or whatever - and to make the point. However, there can be gain in getting them slammed.

It's like punitive damages in an injury case. Juries don't award hundreds of millions of dollars because they think one person 'should' get it, they do it to send a message to the offending company that what they did is not going to go on.

Hence go to a lawyer, do it right (because they will probably charge you more than the consult fee to help you with the form, it'll probably take them an hour or whatever) and get your legal costs back and maybe that will make them realize you will do this again if they do it again. You will do it every time and it will cost them time and money. Because they don't seem to have come to any realization that they're wrong, and $85 might not bring them to that realization.

If a judge awards you more, stick it in your daughter's college fund or whatever, but take this to its conclusion to make sure they get the message that that behaviour will not be tolerated.

 

[HappyGilmore]

I totally agree with your actions .. you go girl!

In addition, I wanted to offer my opinion on what the SM punishment should be :


Ask the Judge to make her her perform 1000 hours of community service .....


you ready for this ?????


while wearing a pair of these boots!

 

[FergieTCat]

Wow. While it totally sucks what the SM did, I really think pressing charges was over the top. Just how much time, energy and money do you really want to invest over a pair of boots.
I understand you want to prove a point, but guess what. She's winning. look at all the aggravation and stress she is causing you. I'd just drop it, walk away and always keep a change of clothes and shoes for your daughter in your trunk.

Don't agree. I would have done the same thing.

OP, don't forget to include the emotional distress caused to your daughter.

 

[phorsenuf]

Don't agree. I would have done the same thing.

OP, don't forget to include the emotional distress caused to your daughter.

Well hopefully the OP is not going through Concord District court. Years back (and I had a thread on it) kids broke into my home while we were in Florida and caused over $8,000 worth of damage. 2 even confessed as the ones that shot up our garage. Know what happened to them. Nothing. Not a blasted thing. In fact the prosecutor was trying to get us to drop the charges. Few years later, one of the same kids broke in, broke some stuff, stole money and a gold bracelet. Cops talked with him, he admitted it and guess what. No charges. I told them we wanted charges filed, they said not worth it. So I guess since I had over $8500 worth of damages, emotional distress and such and the cops/courts refused to do anything about it, guess I'm a bit jaded.

 

[cheerful chickadee]

wow I'm sorry you and your DD have to deal with such a crazy witch. Although pressing charges and going through the court may seem over the top to some, it's the principle of the thing that matters. You can't just go destroying other people's property or belongings. What is the world coming to! I hope your DD sees your ex and his wife for what they are eventually.

 

[lillygator]

holy crap...if she'll shred boots just cuz she doesn't approve of them for your dd....imagine the damage she'll do when your ex leaves her!!

 

[clm10308]

This wont help for now, but Perhaps you should go back to your divorce lawyer, or whoever drew up you custody agreement, and fine out if anything could be done through those channels in the event of a repeat.

 

[DVCJones]

This wont help for now, but Perhaps you should go back to your divorce lawyer, or whoever drew up you custody agreement, and fine out if anything could be done through those channels in the event of a repeat.

Yes!! It is my opinion that this SM is mentally unstable. Really, who behaves that way?! I'm hearing the "nut ball" alarm here.

I would seriously consider trying to prevent another trip to psychoville where SM is the mayor. I wouldn't want my DD around someone capable of that kind of behavior. She really seems unbalanced and this is probably just the tip of the iceberg of her mental instability.

Good luck!!!

 

[FergieTCat]

Well hopefully the OP is not going through Concord District court. Years back (and I had a thread on it) kids broke into my home while we were in Florida and caused over $8,000 worth of damage. 2 even confessed as the ones that shot up our garage. Know what happened to them. Nothing. Not a blasted thing. In fact the prosecutor was trying to get us to drop the charges. Few years later, one of the same kids broke in, broke some stuff, stole money and a gold bracelet. Cops talked with him, he admitted it and guess what. No charges. I told them we wanted charges filed, they said not worth it. So I guess since I had over $8500 worth of damages, emotional distress and such and the cops/courts refused to do anything about it, guess I'm a bit jaded.

I think there's a legal term for causing emotional duress, but I can't remember what it is right now. I think it would be legitimate since the SM destroyed DD's Christmas present.

Were the kids minors? I can't believe causing that much damage isn't at least a misdemeanor if not a felony.

I think I've been around lawyers for too long. They effect your brain!

 

[LORI522]

I just got notification that the ADA is meeting with SM's attorney to discuss case. i was sent a paper to fill how and am not sure how to do it. These are my questions to fill out

1. Describe loss: I just wrote description of boots and what happened to them and that they were no longer usable.

I don't know how I should be answering these ?'s ....

2. Emotional impact of crime on the victim........

3. victim's personal injury.......

4. Victim's other crime related expenses......

5. Victim's recommendation for sentencing......

2. ..... I was so mad and it cost me time with my family and putting my DD in the middle of it. ??

3. ..... would that be the cost of the boots ? Plus gas to get new ones or gas to buy them initially ??

4. ...... does having to drive from 1 1/2 hours away for court count, so wear and tear, mileage, gas, and babysitter for my kids ????

5. ..... I want her to pay me back the $85 the boots cost and to acknowledge in court that she stepped over the boundaries and that she has no say in what I let me DD wear.

I don’t think you need to pay for an attorney. The ADA is the attorney in this case. This is just a questionnaire to help him/her develop the case. Save yourself the time and money.

A couple of suggestions for your responses…

2… Write something about your apprehension/anxiety about what might happen when DD goes to visit her father and SM. For example, you are afraid that the SM’s erratic behavior could escalate….especially since she has no remorse for her original actions.

5….Instead of asking for $85, just write “Maximum allowable”. You are right to ask for an apology. If she refuses to do so, she may have to spend a couple of days in jail for being in contempt of court.

Good luck and let us know what happens!!

 

[Sgt Mickey]

WOW.
BUT this is the kind of lady we want to see torn to shreds by Judge Judy.

 

[christineann]

The SM and the ex sound loony. I would also press charges, or this will continue and even escalate.

When my kids were having visitation with their father and his wife, they were told to take their shoes off and leave them outside on the steps of the ex's apartment and then to take their clothes off and leave them in a pile inside the front door because "we don't want those dirty clothes and shoes from your mother's house in our apartment." That was minor in relation to other treatment, and fortunately visitation was ended by family court mediation. My kids were 15 and 12 when visitation ended in 2000, and they would have been required to go until they were 18.

I would ask your family law attorney for suggestions on the wording for the paperwork for this problem. Ugh. Good luck!

 

[ilovemk76]

OP, I think what your dd's SM did was wrong. I think she owes your daughter and new pair of boots or the $ for a new pair of boots. I think you have the right to get that taken care of however you can.

I find it hard to believe that your DD would rather be there with SM (who does sound like a loon) than at home with you. As the mom of a 18yo DD, I can tell you the bolded statement above is just not correct. It is NOT typical for a teenaged girl to be so unhappy when she is at home. I'd be for finding out why she feels this way (because dad's house sounds pretty dang hellish to me) and try to work through this somehow. The next 3 years will fly by, do what you can now to mend this relationship.

There's a lot of anger for kids of divorce. Please do not confuse that anger with "being a typical teenager." Counseling can help. I truly hope you can work on this with her.

This is the same mom who was going to move her family to silicon valley and the same daughter would not go and wanted to permanently live with dad.

She is also a step mom and that girl despises her dad and would also not go to CA.

There is huge problems in this family with both exes and the daughter of those relationships.