My Mother Makes Me Crazy!!!

[Nancyg56]

Daleswife- Now I understand that there is way more to this than a little extra shopping. I am a firm believer in providing help to those who need it but for some reason are struggling. I cannot ever condone the favoritism your Mother is showing. There is a huge difference between purchasing school clothes for children who would otherwise have none and refusing to go out of your way to visit children and I cannot understand why your parents do this. It is hurtful and your children should not have to feel as though they are second place in a race of two.

It is no secret that I am a nana and that Dh and I dote on our Kady. As I said earlier I appreciated that my DDIL expressed her feelings when she thought that I favored my DD over my DS as it gave me an opportunity to let her know that I love all my children, and I include her in my children, but generally do not shop for them all at the same time. I think that while I would not discuss the money spent, I would discuss the blatant favoritism that Mom is showing the other children and how that hurts your DD.

I am not excusing your Mother's behavior, I do not condone it, but I wonder if she is overcompensating for your sister anad does not even realize how this is affecting the rest of the family. An honest conversation can at least make her aware of how her actions are percieved and give her the opportunity to eiother make changes or to tell you that she is not going to change. If you know you can adjust. If you stay silent you cannot change the behavior and you will continue to feel hurt. I must say that I am sorry to read this, I really hate when parents do not make sure that their family knows that financial assistance will never take the place of time and when theythen do not give the time to their family. It is really such a shame and such a loss.

 

[QVCshopper]

If it makes you feel any better, my parents did not give my brother and I one cent for college. My brother dropped out, and I paid for myself. But, they basically paid everything for my two sisters, except for their loans. So... money isn't always equal. Financially, my parents were better off when my sisters went to college. I'm not upset; it's just a fact.

Forget about equal; it's your mom afterall. My parents still can't afford to buy me anything--maybe it's a blessing?

 

[badblackpug]

Im very happy that you were willing to give me your opinion in a very nice way. Thank you very much. there is more to the story than i have said, and i guess I should tell. My neice and nephews werent allowed to come to my parents house in July when my mom had planned because their dad pushed them into baseball tournaments. I say pushed because all three said they wanted to go to moms but dad literally thinks that they are gonna go pro right out of HS so he made them play. So it was planned for them to come dow n the week my dd starts school. My mom gets mad cause I wouldnt let dd come down cause she would miss the first three days of school. She said forget it, I just wont keep your kids this year at all. I said fine. but reminded her that she already told them that she would keep them in July. so she took them that week, and I let them go because they love their grandparents and wanted to go. They have a good time and come home. My parents are so worried about getting my sisters kids that they would be willing to not get my kids at all because i wont give in to what she wants. At Thanksgiving last year, they go to OHIO to see my sister. I live in WV but because it would take them an extra hour and a half to get from the interstate to my house, they wouldnt stop. Told me that if we didnt come down for Christmas that the kids would have to wait until we did come down to get their christmas gifts, but mails my sisters kids theirs. Mom travels all the way to OH for baseball games, but wont come here to attend a mother/daughter banquet with me and my daughter. I live 3 hours from her and my sister lives 6+ from her.

did you see the favoritism and what I feel is lack of respect for me and my family in what I said above? There are more instances. but too long to mention. I have explained to my DD this but it still hurts her to see grandma buy something for one and to tell her she dont need it. I have bought for the kids before. its not that. I understand that they need it. and I would do anything in the world for them. But to do what my mom did IN FRONT of my kids is going too far.



Exactly!!! I am not expecting my mom to buy my kids $200 worth of stuff because she bought that much for my sisters kids. but to not get them anything. especially when dd askes me why she is buying stuff for them and how come grandma wont do that for us.....just burns me up that I have to explain that to her.

Okay, I see there is more to it. The little bit of money thing I wouldn't sweat, I would be annoyed by the rest.

Is your sister going to WDW with you?

I ask this because I really wouldn't cancel the trip with mom over this. I realize it is hurtful and annoying, but your kids obviously love their granny, and I think the time spent together is important. I wouldn't want you to have any regrets about time not spent later on. I lost my father 2 years ago, and I am always very thankful that we spent a lot of time with him. ...but I digress... I was going to say, if your sister is not going on the trip, you can always explain to your kids that granny is buying the cousins more because they aren't lucky enough to go to WDW, and that they get the more important thing, they get to spend time with her in WDW. In the long run, the kids probably won't remember the toy or the T shirt, but they will remember the trip.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I am sorry that you are upset about this and am just wondering if you have every talked to your mom about the situation. It is not that your kids need "things" but about making them feel special. I remember when I was young and my grandparents would bring me a present for no particular reason. I was so excited. The gift could be a $3.00 t-shirt from Walmart. It has nothing to do with the cost. We have the opposite issue in our family. I am the oldest of three and have three children, my sister one child, and my brother is still single. Everything we receive is pretty much even. At Christmas each family receives $500. Every one in my immediate family receives $100 worth of presents, my sister's family $167, and my brother the full $500. I even get less on my birthday than my siblings because my kids and DH get part of my "share" on their birthdays. Each family is different and as a parent I know we try and do our best for our children. I just encourage you to let her know how you feel to avoid any ugly blow ups on vacation. Maybe she does not realize how upsetting this is to you.

 

[jmillanon]

It just makes me so mad that she can go out and spend $200 on my sisters kids and nothing on mine. Her excuse is They cant afford it. Well NO they cant cause my BIL is a lazy slob who wont get a job and support his family. My DH on the other hand works his A** off every day and we are getting by so she thinks she dont have to get my kids anything....AND I have to pay her back for this???

Pardon my opinion here, but while I understand that your feelings are hurt, think about it from the position of your mother's other grandchildren. The *children* are the ones benefiting from your mother's generosity; not you. The *children* are the ones suffering from the parent(s?) not earning money; not you.

Think about how many times those children felt left out or jealous because your kids (who have parents who can afford the necessities and luxuries of life) have so many experiences/things they can't have.

I am the child of the 'deadbeat' couple in a family of four siblings, all of which are relatively successful except my parents. I hope that makes sense. I have gone without, without, without all of my life. My grandmother, to this day, has spent more money on me than she has on any other grandchild. Why? Because I was a kid, and I didn't have shoes that fit, and I didn't have clothes that were seasonally appropriate, and I didn't have bras even though I had already developed, etc... My parents were losers and spent their time smoking pot instead of raising me. Why should I have to go without the necessities, just because my parents were losers? Why do my cousins have everything under the sun, including private school education, brand name clothes, fancy cars, paid-for college, and sometimes the only meal I ate in a day was a free school lunch???

Do you think that *maybe* your feelings are not the most important factor in your mother's decision to purchase items for the less fortunate children in your family? Do you think that maybe your mother was trying to think of her grandchildren that so frequently have to go without??? They are children. You are an adult.

How to handle it: don't let this minor event ruin your Thanksgiving. Instead, you should celebrate Thanksgiving the way it should be celebrated; be thankful your mother spends time with you, that your family is able to meet its needs, and that your niece/nephew still have some joy in their lives, despite the fact that their parent(s?) aren't able to support them as well as they'd like to.

 

[CastleChick]

I have somewhat of the same issue with my MIL. She used to drive right past our house (which was on the highway she was driving on) to go and see my SIL and her kids totally ignoring my DD and my DD would just cry cause grandma wouldn't stop and see her (grandma would honk and then call to say she was going to visit the others). It used to make me so angry because she was showing obvious favoritism towards her other grandchild (whom she refers to as 'my baby girl' and outright says is her favorite) and it was hurting my dd's feelings. Finally we just solved it by moving over an hour away from that side of the family and we only see them on holidays. Now we have 3 kids and SIL 2 and she has stopped buying gifts (other than christmas) b/c she says she has too many grandkids (and she still has 1 child who just got married and has yet to have kids!) but I still catch her giving the other 2 gifts for their birthdays. My sil is single and there are no fathers in her kids' life so it seems that she gets more of everything (attention/time/money) even though it is toys for tots and churches that are putting the gifts in her kids' hands at christmas while our kids get 3 gifts each hers are sitting there with piles bigger than they are tall and yet they still complain that they didn't get 'enough'. Talk about a feeling of entitlement. I'm trying to raise our kids so that they don't worry about what everyone else gets and that they are happy with what they have received, I am hoping they don't have this problem with their in-laws.

My parents spent a lot more money on my sister's kids (while I was still at home) when they were little than they do on my kids, but they spend a lot more time with my kids which I would rather them do anyways. I sometimes get aggrivated by this, but then I realize that they will always have the memories of spending time with their grandparents and they probably wouldn't remember some trinket that they brought them.

 

[indimom]

nancyg and badblackpug-
OP, listen to these two. Try not to be hurt by the favoritism, I still think it revolves around her feelings that your children are loved and cared for properly, but the others NEED someone to love and care for them that way. It just doesn't occur to her that your kids NEED her too. It may hurt her if you have to explain it, but sounds like she needs the wake up call.
(And another thought/possibility that came to mind regarding the shopping trip: your mother may not have the $$ you think she has to share among you all. Maybe she needed that $65 because she just spent $200 more than she could really afford. A lot of people who appear financially stable are not.)

jmillanon - Sorry you had to go through that growing up. Give thanks for that fantastic grandmother!

 

[Nancyg56]

Try not to be hurt by the favoritism, I still think it revolves around her feelings that your children are loved and cared for properly, but the others NEED someone to love and care for them that way. It just doesn't occur to her that your kids NEED her too. It may hurt her if you have to explain it, but sounds like she needs the wake up call.

I agree. Looking back I wish that I had tried harder to discuss this wtih my DMIL adn DFIL.


My first husband's Mom and Dad overcompensated for their DD's decisions. They knew that the kids really did not have much and tried to help, especially with DD watching the gifting like a hawk. (I know that some folks did wind up adding things up when parents did the even thing but these siblings did) Anyway, while I always understood why they gave more to the kids I worried how the visiting would affect my cildren's relationship with their GP's later on. DMIL and DFIL were somewhat overwhelmed by all of the GC's and it showed in their visits when the kids were growing up. I wonder if that is what is happening with OP's parents, are they giving more to the sister's children and then have no energy left for OP's kids? My IL's tried but they really were exhausted trying to manage it all and my children did not face the problems SIL's children did so when they needed to step back it was from mine.

My children are all adults and their relationship with DMIL is a little mixed. Both of my sons are very close to their Meme and try to make time to visit. My DD loves her but does not always visit as much as she did my Mom. I will say that they are all visiting more now that my Mom has passed and I believe that they spent more time whith my Mom because they spent more time with her as children and young adults. They are older now and can look back at how their GP's loved them and did their best with the time and energy that they had. There was a time when they were not as accepting but now that they are trying to manage job, family and life in general they are more understanding. They never knew about the differences in spending and would not have cared about that.

 

[Rylee]

While reading this thread, some thoughts come to mind...

FAIR and EQUAL are rarely the same.

Equal is treating everyone the same and making sure they receive the same.
Fair is making sure everyone has what they NEED, gets what they DESERVE and has comparable or equal opportunities.

No two people are exactly alike... we all have different needs at different times in our life. Most parents try to make sure their children have everything they need and most of what they want, and they do so because they love their children. Stepping in and helping a child, (even an adult child) during a time of need, does not mean they love their other children any less.

OP - You are entitled to your feelings... and your feelings aren't right or wrong. However, since you are the one that has a problem with the situation, (meaning... obviously, your sibling doesn't have a problem with the grandparents helping out, and your mother is unaware or feels justified with her actions) you'll need to be the one to find a solution.

A few suggestions...

1) Try having a talk with your Mom. Calmly explain how the situation looks to you and how it makes you and your children feel. Tell her you understand her reasons behind some of her choices, (providing what the children need) then ask her to explain the decisions you don't understand.

2) For your children - Since you are more than 3 hours, and your sister is more than 6 hours away, try to shield your children from the favoritism... the old... what they don't know won't hurt them. Perhaps, for the things they are aware of, use it as lesson in compassion, the importance of helping out others, or the importance of being self-sufficient... whatever lesson you want them to take away from it. And, sometimes, all any of us really need is to have our feelings acknowledged. A simple, "I know, it not very fair," along with a hug, will be enough.

3) If you know your mother, your parents, love you... let it go. Do this for YOUR sake. If you can find a way to let go of the hurt and resentment, your children will also have an easier time dealing with it.

My mother's husband is selfish, immature and controlling. He has always been jealous and resentful of any time she spends with us and our children, (and they only live near us 4 months of the year, the other 8 months they are in FL.) In the end, I realized I love my mother enough to stop putting her in the middle. Of course, "HE" thinks he won, but it was really a matter of giving my mother some peace. She knows she always welcome, always wanted, always loved, but now we only hope she'll be able to come for the big things... graduations, birthdays, holiday dinners. I wish things were differently, but I know how much she loves me and our kids, and because of how much I love her... I had to let it go. Accepting it is healthier than being disappointed time and time again.

 

[badblackpug]

nancyg and badblackpug-
OP, listen to these two. Try not to be hurt by the favoritism, I still think it revolves around her feelings that your children are loved and cared for properly, but the others NEED someone to love and care for them that way. It just doesn't occur to her that your kids NEED her too. It may hurt her if you have to explain it, but sounds like she needs the wake up call.
(And another thought/possibility that came to mind regarding the shopping trip: your mother may not have the $$ you think she has to share among you all. Maybe she needed that $65 because she just spent $200 more than she could really afford. A lot of people who appear financially stable are not.)

jmillanon - Sorry you had to go through that growing up. Give thanks for that fantastic grandmother!

I think maybe indi hit the nail on the head. maybe your mom does go out of her way for your sis kids because she feels... either consciously or unconsciously..... that she needs to fill a void in their life. A void that your children don't have. I know I felt this way with my sisters kids. I felt bad because their dad is/was such a sh*t. Maybe that's why she goes so far out of her way for them thinking that they need some sort of stabilizing force in their life. IDK, but it's a thought. Another thought is that your mother does resent having to take care of your sis kids financially, and unconsciously took it our on you. Kind of a "it's bad enough that I have to foot the bill for one daughter's kids, I'm not doing it for two." ...and when your dad pointed it out to her she did realize it was unfair but got p*ssy because she was embarrassed by the fact that she seems to be favoring them, and further embarrassed that it was pointed out in front of you. I'm not saying it's right or fair, but human emotions being what they are...you know?

 

[Neverland98]

OP-that is a tough situation. I had a family blowout myself (a bit different, but still tied into communication), but let me tell you - never discuss this kind of situation via email....

Anyway....my family is the type to NOT speak what they really feel. I did. It resulted in a freeze out of me for quite a long time.

Things are better now, but I realized something....You can't change people. You really can't. You also can't change how THEY see things.

So, I would have a FACE-TO-FACE conversation with your Mom, if you'll feel this will help. (I was living VERY far away, and wanted to vent, so I did it via email...again...bad choice).

I agree that you need to think about the REAL issues that bother you - the time with your children, the buying things for others in front of the children, etc. Maybe just set a few rules...(1) pre-schedule some time between your Mom and your kids. Then, don't worry about how much/how often she sees your sibling or her children. Just be happy she keeps the dates you all set together. Maybe map out the time for the upcoming year, since your live apart and need to plan the travel. (2) Have her agree not to shop solely for the other GC when your children are present. I can see picking up an item of two, but really, an all-out shopping spree and no reciprocation on those present is a bit over the top. Assuming your Mom can get out to shop on her own, that is when she should be making those purchases. (3) Don't cancel the WDW trip. It will lead to a big rift in your family. I would just plan on some "family time" alone, so you can take breaks from each other. Is your sister coming? If so, give her some alone time with your Mom. Then, do the same....have some time where your sister and her children do their own thing (maybe for an evening one night), and your family and your Mom all have dinner together.

Only YOU know your family best. In some cases, you can have a discussion. In others, I think you just have to bite the bullet, shrug your shoulders, count YOUR blessings, and just be happy with the time you spend together. If that time together is stressful, limit it. And, remember, your children will pick up on your attitude. So, keep it positive when they are around (...now, if only I could practice what I preach!)

 

[here757]

i too am in the same stinkin boat!
my bother is in jail. his baby momma in jail. my mom has custody of the child. they spoil her. shes at the point where noone wants to deal with her. i refuse to negoate with a 11 year old about whats right or wrong with my own children. she acts like the mom.. LOL i tune her out. if she doesnt get her way.. lol .. even my father calls her a spoiled brat..

my other brother. convicted felon,cant get a good job and has no trouble finding labor jobs. but winter is comming up and they are getting harder to get cuz the weather etc .. meanwhile their mom makes over 12 an hour plus bonus..
my mom feels for the kids. she buys complete wardrobes for them. from shoes to coats and tons of toys .often times asking me to help pick the stuff out
every year my mom buys discounted passes to busch gardens and water country for all the kids ..BUT MINE!!.

nothing gets bought for my children. my mom told me.. ur kids are the only ones i dont have to worry about getting dumped at my house for days. ur kids never need anything.
yes this is true because i bust my butt to make it happen.

my kids get punished because i chose not to commit a crime? lol
my husband will not allow her to buy anything for them .. if its bought we accidently leave it at her house LOL

 

[karice2]

I am going to weigh in from a different perspective. I am the oldest grandchild from my Dad's mother. I was born in Feb, cousin 1 in July, Cousin 2 in August. I am also the only girl. Sounds like I would be the favored child. Not at all.

My Dad's mother decided that my cousin from my Uncle (Dad's brother) needed more than I did. Every Christmas, school clothes, vacations everything was always tilted to my one cousin's favor.

It could be because my Grandma L took care of me and they didn't get along. Grandma L called her a floozy since she knew her from back in the day. My uncle and his wife were doing well enough to take care of my cousin so he wasn't starving or going without school clothes. When my parents got divorced there were times when my mother actually went to her for help like watching me so that day care would be cheaper. She refused but picked up my cousin from school every day. I had to walk past her house to get home.

I was pretty perceptive as a child so none of those things ever got past me. I noticed and paid attention. As I got older I decided that if she was going to be that way then I would cut her out of my life.

Graduation day, she did not get a ticket (I was the only grandchild to graduate high school). Ballet recitals, No tickets. Prom Pictures, she didn't get any. As soon as I was old enough, the split visits for holidays stopped. I never wrote when I was in the Army. I cut her from my life. She only lives 10 minutes from me and I don't go to see her.

I own my house now, I have never invited her over. I cook all the meals for holidays, she is not invited. I don't call on birthday's. I don't care.

So just let your Mom knows that while she may see it as something small, the children take note and she may have to do with just one set of grandchildren in the future.

 

[dogluva]

First off this is just a rant and i really dont want flames.....I do however want suggestions on how you would handle it. Please be nice.

So I went shopping with my mother this weekend. We go to the disney store and upon check out, she says let me put it on my disney visa and I can get rewards and get a gift card for the trip next year. Im like cool, no prob. She puts everything on her card and it totals like $95. My part being like $65.

We go to three different stores where she buys clothes for my sisters three kids to the tune of about $200. She didnt once offer to get anything for my kids. When we get home, She says to me, you owe me $65. I said I know. My dad says how much did you spend on the other three kids. she said about $200. He said what did you buy for these (my) two. she says Nothing. He said and your worried about $65 that you spent on them? She said YES she said she'd pay it back. So I go to write her a check for the $65 and she gets all pi**ed off and says Forget it, you can pay it later.

It just makes me so mad that she can go out and spend $200 on my sisters kids and nothing on mine. Her excuse is They cant afford it. Well NO they cant cause my BIL is a lazy slob who wont get a job and support his family. My DH on the other hand works his A** off every day and we are getting by so she thinks she dont have to get my kids anything....AND I have to pay her back for this???

So now I dont want to go to disney next thanksgiving cause I dont want her to go. I dont want to ruin our trip, but I just cant stand the thought of this mess.

UGH.

Oh BTW, I left the check for the $65 on her computer desk.....

Why punish the kids because their father is a lazy slob. It is not their fault. You do sound resentful. My sister was like this when my oldest was little. I was trying to finish my degree and my husband could not find steady work (recession in the late eighies). My sister, who did not want for anything and lived with my mother for free, would complain whenever my mother bought my son anything! I would get to the point where I was just like "stop buying him stuff" but it made her happy to do it. It made him happy too so I let her but my sister ruined it in a way.

 

[dogluva]

Pardon my opinion here, but while I understand that your feelings are hurt, think about it from the position of your mother's other grandchildren. The *children* are the ones benefiting from your mother's generosity; not you. The *children* are the ones suffering from the parent(s?) not earning money; not you.

Think about how many times those children felt left out or jealous because your kids (who have parents who can afford the necessities and luxuries of life) have so many experiences/things they can't have.

I am the child of the 'deadbeat' couple in a family of four siblings, all of which are relatively successful except my parents. I hope that makes sense. I have gone without, without, without all of my life. My grandmother, to this day, has spent more money on me than she has on any other grandchild. Why? Because I was a kid, and I didn't have shoes that fit, and I didn't have clothes that were seasonally appropriate, and I didn't have bras even though I had already developed, etc... My parents were losers and spent their time smoking pot instead of raising me. Why should I have to go without the necessities, just because my parents were losers? Why do my cousins have everything under the sun, including private school education, brand name clothes, fancy cars, paid-for college, and sometimes the only meal I ate in a day was a free school lunch???

Do you think that *maybe* your feelings are not the most important factor in your mother's decision to purchase items for the less fortunate children in your family? Do you think that maybe your mother was trying to think of her grandchildren that so frequently have to go without??? They are children. You are an adult.

How to handle it: don't let this minor event ruin your Thanksgiving. Instead, you should celebrate Thanksgiving the way it should be celebrated; be thankful your mother spends time with you, that your family is able to meet its needs, and that your niece/nephew still have some joy in their lives, despite the fact that their parent(s?) aren't able to support them as well as they'd like to.

Great post.

 

[daleswife]

Pardon my opinion here, but while I understand that your feelings are hurt, think about it from the position of your mother's other grandchildren. The *children* are the ones benefiting from your mother's generosity; not you. The *children* are the ones suffering from the parent(s?) not earning money; not you.

Think about how many times those children felt left out or jealous because your kids (who have parents who can afford the necessities and luxuries of life) have so many experiences/things they can't have.

I am the child of the 'deadbeat' couple in a family of four siblings, all of which are relatively successful except my parents. I hope that makes sense. I have gone without, without, without all of my life. My grandmother, to this day, has spent more money on me than she has on any other grandchild. Why? Because I was a kid, and I didn't have shoes that fit, and I didn't have clothes that were seasonally appropriate, and I didn't have bras even though I had already developed, etc... My parents were losers and spent their time smoking pot instead of raising me. Why should I have to go without the necessities, just because my parents were losers? Why do my cousins have everything under the sun, including private school education, brand name clothes, fancy cars, paid-for college, and sometimes the only meal I ate in a day was a free school lunch???

Do you think that *maybe* your feelings are not the most important factor in your mother's decision to purchase items for the less fortunate children in your family? Do you think that maybe your mother was trying to think of her grandchildren that so frequently have to go without??? They are children. You are an adult.

How to handle it: don't let this minor event ruin your Thanksgiving. Instead, you should celebrate Thanksgiving the way it should be celebrated; be thankful your mother spends time with you, that your family is able to meet its needs, and that your niece/nephew still have some joy in their lives, despite the fact that their parent(s?) aren't able to support them as well as they'd like to.

While I appreciate your opinion, I feel I must tell you that it while yes, my feelings are hurt, its not MY feelings Im worried about. Its my kids. I understand that the kids need things and I have even bougth for them myself. But to have my mother buy all that stuff for them WHILE my kids are there watching and asking why grandma wont buy them this or that is beyond ok. I am an Adult, thinking of MY kids. I should make it clear now that it does not bother me that they buy for my sisters kids. they will never get it any other way. Do I flaunt that we get to do this or get to do that or get to go to WDW to my sister and her kids, NO nor would I ever. I dont even tell them we are going. I completely get what you are saying, but its not about me at all. Its about my kids. Thats it.

Let me ask you this in return. Because me and my DH can afford to do a lot with our kids, does that mean my parents should treat them different than they do the three that dont get? So its ok to go and see and visit with the other three and not come here because we can afford to do more???

 

[Nancyg56]

Let me ask you this in return. Because me and my DH can afford to do a lot with our kids, does that mean my parents should treat them different than they do the three that dont get? So its ok to go and see and visit with the other three and not come here because we can afford to do more???

No, it is absolutely not okay. I can understand if Grandma needs to supplement the children's school supplies. I can understand Grandma purchasing some extras because the kids do nto have the niceties other children have. I cannot understand doing this in front of your childen. IUt is wrong on so many levels.

As a Nana i would never let one child feel more loved than another. They are all dofferent but they all need to be special, they all need to have my attention and tehy all need to know that they are worth going out of my way to see each and every one of them.

I only have one but my Mom had 12. She had no money after my Dad passed so she was not able to purchase much but she was always there for the children. As they grew older she would walk through fire for any one of them and they all knew it. As teh children got older they encouraged er to stop trying to buy them presents adn spend what she was going to use on all of them for he little ones. She showed all of them how a heart can always make room for one more and another after that.

I know that you are hurting for your children but i would think you are also hurting for you. Thsi really is not just the kids, tis is a parent who has lost toouch with one DD's feelings in order to compensate for another DD's irresponsible behavior. Please tell your Mom that you need for this to change. As others, myself included, have shared your Mom will eventually pay the price for her lack of attention. It is not too late for her to change how she behaves in front of all of you, she can still take care that your sister's children are nto punished for their Mother's choices.

Ultimately, she is hurting tose poor kids as well. In her zeal to care for them she is telling the entire family theior business and ths is not appropriate. Tjey may appreciate that sheh is helping but they may also get embrrassed as they grow older. It is nto right to be so blatant and your Mom should know better.

 

[jerivera]

My two cents...

To all the people out there insinuating that the OP doesn't understand that her sister's children are the ones who are getting financial assistance, etc, what you don't seem to understand is that this is NOT about money.

It's about time, love and attention given to the children. That's what it's all about.

Favoritism is an ugly thing. In some cases, it's pretty insidious. In this case, the grandparents are giving a lot of time, love and attention to the sister's children, but not to the OP's children. And it seems like it's pretty blatant that it's going on here.

To the OP: You may want to have an open conversation with your parents about the perceived favoritism in terms of time, love and attention spent with your sisters children vs yours. If they understand, then all's well. If not, you may really want to rethink that Thanksgiving vacation with them at Disney. Probably won't be a very good one.

In the end, remember, she's your mom. If you get along, all is well. If not, hopefully you live far enough away that you only have to see her 1-3 times a year (distance can be a wonderful thing!).

Oh and next time you go shopping with her, do not let her put anything you're buying in her card!

 

[Rylee]

My two cents...

To all the people out there insinuating that the OP doesn't understand that her sister's children are the ones who are getting financial assistance, etc, what you don't seem to understand is that this is NOT about money.

It's about time, love and attention given to the children. That's what it's all about.

Favoritism is an ugly thing. In some cases, it's pretty insidious. In this case, the grandparents are giving a lot of time, love and attention to the sister's children, but not to the OP's children. And it seems like it's pretty blatant that it's going on here.

I don't think any post in this thread is out of line, however... in their defense, many people do not read the entire thread before posting.

The OP's first post IS about money, it's ALL about MONEY. Granted, most of us "read between the lines" and could tell she is hurting. Also, since many of us can relate, as we have probably felt we were a victim of favoritism at least once in our life, many looked beyond her words and identified with what she is feeling.



"First off this is just a rant and i really dont want flames.....I do however want suggestions on how you would handle it. Please be nice.

So I went shopping with my mother this weekend. We go to the disney store and upon check out, she says let me put it on my disney visa and I can get rewards and get a gift card for the trip next year. Im like cool, no prob. She puts everything on her card and it totals like $95. My part being like $65.

We go to three different stores where she buys clothes for my sisters three kids to the tune of about $200. She didnt once offer to get anything for my kids. When we get home, She says to me, you owe me $65. I said I know. My dad says how much did you spend on the other three kids. she said about $200. He said what did you buy for these (my) two. she says Nothing. He said and your worried about $65 that you spent on them? She said YES she said she'd pay it back. So I go to write her a check for the $65 and she gets all pi**ed off and says Forget it, you can pay it later.

It just makes me so mad that she can go out and spend $200 on my sisters kids and nothing on mine. Her excuse is They cant afford it. Well NO they cant cause my BIL is a lazy slob who wont get a job and support his family. My DH on the other hand works his A** off every day and we are getting by so she thinks she dont have to get my kids anything....AND I have to pay her back for this???

So now I dont want to go to disney next thanksgiving cause I dont want her to go. I dont want to ruin our trip, but I just cant stand the thought of this mess.

UGH.

Oh BTW, I left the check for the $65 on her computer desk..... "




The OP asked that everyone be nice and I don't see where anyone was rude. She also asked for suggestions.

OP, I'm sure you know you can't change anyone, only the way you react to them. Have a talk with your parents. If your Mom can't see how this makes you and your children feel, try shifting your focus. Don't dwell on what your mother does for your sister's family, it really is between them. Instead, concentrate on strengthening your relationship with your Mom/parents and making it the best it can be. Focus on the positive, such as your parents vacationing with your children at WDW. Tell your children the truth... Grandma helps them because they need help. If they question the attention and time spent, again... tell them the truth, you don't know why Grandma spends more time with them, you wish she would spend more time with your family, too. If all fails, you'll need to make some tough decisions about your future relationship with your Mom and how much of a role you want her to have in your children's lives.

 

[badblackpug]

Really, I understand this is not about the money. It seems to me the shopping incident was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I still really think that the OP's mother is not doing this consciously. I think that she sees a void in the cousins lives and is trying to fill it. I think that she feels, in some way, that the cousins really need her. In a very strange way try to look at this as a compliment. Your mother thinks that your children are well enough taken care of that she doesn't need to constantly be present to make sure that it is so. I really don't think there is any conscious effort for her to favor the cousins, and I think she was embarrassed by it when her husband pointed it out after the shopping incident.

My advice would be this:

Sit down and have an honest talk with your daughter. Explain to her that grandma buys more things for the cousins because their father doesn't work. That doesn't mean that granny loves them more, it means she feels bad for them. Point out to your daughter the things that she is lucky enough to have that they don't have. like trips to DW!

Talk to your mom, but you are going to have to tread very lightly here. I wouldn't, under any circumstances, bring up the money issue. I will say it again, I think on some level your mother probably resents having to provide for the cousins the way she does. I would probably approach her by saying "Daughter had a good time when we went out the other day, she asked why we can't see you more, I told her I would talk to you about it." Maybe try to schedule a "date" with your mom. One that doesn't involve shopping. Make it lunch, dinner or a movie or something, like every other Sunday or whatever works with your schedule. It's psychological, but the next time your kids have an "event" you want your mother to attend, have THEM call her and ask her. (works on the guilt factor)

Please don't cancel the trip. I know your feelings are hurt, but I think canceling will just make things worse.