My Mother Makes Me Crazy!!!

[daleswife]

First off this is just a rant and i really dont want flames.....I do however want suggestions on how you would handle it. Please be nice.

So I went shopping with my mother this weekend. We go to the disney store and upon check out, she says let me put it on my disney visa and I can get rewards and get a gift card for the trip next year. Im like cool, no prob. She puts everything on her card and it totals like $95. My part being like $65.

We go to three different stores where she buys clothes for my sisters three kids to the tune of about $200. She didnt once offer to get anything for my kids. When we get home, She says to me, you owe me $65. I said I know. My dad says how much did you spend on the other three kids. she said about $200. He said what did you buy for these (my) two. she says Nothing. He said and your worried about $65 that you spent on them? She said YES she said she'd pay it back. So I go to write her a check for the $65 and she gets all pissed off and says Forget it, you can pay it later.

It just makes me so mad that she can go out and spend $200 on my sisters kids and nothing on mine. Her excuse is They cant afford it. Well NO they cant cause my BIL is a lazy slob who wont get a job and support his family. My DH on the other hand works his *** off every day and we are getting by so she thinks she dont have to get my kids anything....AND I have to pay her back for this???

So now I dont want to go to disney next thanksgiving cause I dont want her to go. I dont want to ruin our trip, but I just cant stand the thought of this mess.

UGH.

Oh BTW, I left the check for the $65 on her computer desk.....

 

[Mathfailure]

First, you agreed to your Mom's idea about the purchasing, next time keep it all separate.

Did you ask her to go shopping or did she ask you? I am asking because a bit of distance between you would probably be a good idea. The anger that came though your post sounds like long held sibling jealousy, and that is not going to change at this stage of the game.

You can only control you, not your Mom and not your sister.

Since your children would not know who got what, it is really your feelings that got hurt.

Moms who favor one child over the other cause long term damage. Do you have plans to travel together? I would strongly reconsider.

 

[grandmadebby]

It is a hard place to be with your mom. We have a single divorced daughter and we spend more on her 3 kids then the other grandkids because if we didn't they would not get new school jeans, shoes, etc. Although my other 4 children know we do it we don't take them with us to do the shopping for them and no one really even mentions it. In fact the children don't even know it is us buying the stuff because we give her the debit card and the budgeted amount. I suppose at times it causes hard feelings but the others know if they were in the same situation we would do it for them. Not that I think your mom was right in the way she did the shopping I don't think she probably meant to be playing favorites or had malicious intend.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I gotta chime in here. I know exactly how you are feeling!!!!

I am so sorry that your mom did that to you! It is hard when you see your parents giving so much to your sibling(s) when you don't get the same/similar. And when they say it is because the other can't afford, doesn't do, etc. it is as if you are being punished for being the responsible one and as if they are being rewarded for making a series of less than stellar life choices. It is frustrating!!!

Whether or not you say anything else to your mom, know you aren't alone in feeling like this. I try to remind myself that I do have it better than my other two siblings and I try not to dwell too much on the unequal treatment. But I am human and my feelings do get hurt -- the shopping trip situation you described would have made it all rise to the top for me. Your mom could have/should have waited to make those purchases without you. No need to rub salt in an open wound. My mom and I recently had a conversation about this very thing -- money and more importantly the amount of time/energy spent with my other 2 siblings. Her position was that they needed it and I didn't. After many tears, I think I finally got her to see that regardless of what my family has or does, I still NEED my mom to be here for me and my kids.

What is ironic is that both of my grandmothers did this to my mom and dad. Their other siblings NEEDED more help and they got it -- in money and time. That meant less time and less gifts for us kids -- okay, no flames here about being all about possessions. When you find out what grandma got your cousins and you got nothing it hurts horribly! It still stings 38 years later that there was such different treatment amongst the grandkids.

It is a hard place to be with your mom. We have a single divorced daughter and we spend more on her 3 kids then the other grandkids because if we didn't they would not get new school jeans, shoes, etc. Although my other 4 children know we do it we don't take them with us to do the shopping for them and no one really even mentions it. In fact the children don't even know it is us buying the stuff because we give her the debit card and the budgeted amount. I suppose at times it causes hard feelings but the others know if they were in the same situation we would do it for them. Not that I think your mom was right in the way she did the shopping I don't think she probably meant to be playing favorites or had malicious intend.

I get what you are saying (and think it is great you do it without the other kids being around) but please know that you could still be hurting your other kids/grandkids. This is from someone who has always been the responsible one and supports herself (of course DH does too!!) and her family. I get frustrated when one of my siblings gets themselves into yet another jam and my mom bails them out. It can really cause some hurt feelings. Maybe take some time to do something special with the other kids/grandkids to let them know that even though they don't need you to do for them, you want to do for them too.

 

[Nancyg56]

FIrst, I understand how you are feeling. My mom used to spend so much when my sister had her first child. My sister and I were still kids but somehow we were now on hold. I was jealous and resentful at times because I did not understand why my Mom was shopping for him and my sister when Gail and I were still home and kids.

Now I have three adults children and one DGD. DH and I do not discuss our spending with any of them, we do what we feel we need to do at any given time. None of them are left out but each has had their "turn" to have us spend more depending on their circumstances. I was shopping with my DDIL one time adn was purchasing something for my DD. She said that I had a son as well so I thought that was a good time to share DH and my philosophy. I told her that we never try to "even steven" because in the end it all works out. There would be a time when we decided that she and DS needed a little extra, just as this time I saw something for DD.

DDIL was an only child and did not realize that my three were used to one getting more than the rest at any given time. They never cared, they were raised to be happy for each other and knew that they never would go without when they needed that little extra. Now that she has been part of the family for a while she understands taht we love them all and there are no favorites.

OP- if you are stressed by Mom's shopping for your sister and leaving your kids out perhaps you should talk to her. She may have reasons that you are not aware of. My DDIL really felt that I favored DD and was not aware that I would do little things for the boys as well, just as I now do those things for her. I was happy reassure her adn maybe your Mom can do the same for you.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

We have a similar environment here. My brother and sister are the ones that need additional help always whereas I've always been the one to take care of my own responsibilities. My mom is the consummate enabler.

I can say I understand, but it still bothers me, more so now that I see inequalities with grandkids. When it was just me I could deal with it.

When I had a bit of a medical scare, my mom said "I was always the one they never had to worry about" I don't know if that made me feel good or not

Anyways, to all the grandparents who say your kids understand that its all about who "needs" more and there are no hard feelings amongst siblings... check on that. seriously. Its never that simple. It doesn't have to be about financial things either..time/energy count just as much.

Do I blow it off and not let it get in the way of my relationships, absolutely. but I know how NOT to be a grandparent to my kid's, kids

 

[sue1013]

It just makes me so mad that she can go out and spend $200 on my sisters kids and nothing on mine. Her excuse is They cant afford it. Well NO they cant cause my BIL is a lazy slob who wont get a job and support his family.



If not for the above part of your post I would agree with you. It's not your sisters kids fault that their father doesn't have a job. Your mom bought clothes for the kids sounds like they may need them.

 

[MaleficentandGoons]

I feel your pain. I'm an only so DD gets spoiled by my parents but DH has a younger jerk brother. DH's parents give the brother EVERYTHING. He's a loser and so is his wife. All she wants to do is have babies. Shes 22 and has a 1yo and another on the way. Neither full time employed. He "smokes" all the time. Both are HS drop outs about at 16. There's a difference between needing help though you are giving it everything you have and needing and sitting on your butt.

I don't have siblings but they seem like a pain. I don't know how parents can not have favorites in large families.

GOOD FOR YOU FOR LEAVING THE CHECK!

 

[tinkermom23]

First off this is just a rant and i really dont want flames.....I do however want suggestions on how you would handle it. Please be nice.

So I went shopping with my mother this weekend. We go to the disney store and upon check out, she says let me put it on my disney visa and I can get rewards and get a gift card for the trip next year. Im like cool, no prob. She puts everything on her card and it totals like $95. My part being like $65.

We go to three different stores where she buys clothes for my sisters three kids to the tune of about $200. She didnt once offer to get anything for my kids. When we get home, She says to me, you owe me $65. I said I know. My dad says how much did you spend on the other three kids. she said about $200. He said what did you buy for these (my) two. she says Nothing. He said and your worried about $65 that you spent on them? She said YES she said she'd pay it back. So I go to write her a check for the $65 and she gets all pi**ed off and says Forget it, you can pay it later.

It just makes me so mad that she can go out and spend $200 on my sisters kids and nothing on mine. Her excuse is They cant afford it. Well NO they cant cause my BIL is a lazy slob who wont get a job and support his family. My DH on the other hand works his A** off every day and we are getting by so she thinks she dont have to get my kids anything....AND I have to pay her back for this???

So now I dont want to go to disney next thanksgiving cause I dont want her to go. I dont want to ruin our trip, but I just cant stand the thought of this mess.

UGH.

Oh BTW, I left the check for the $65 on her computer desk.....

Family can be so complicated sometimes!
Even when we know things may not go well, we do it anyway in hopes that this time it will work out.
For me, I know perfectly well that my kids will be treated differently than my sisters' kids, yet I still try to go on the outing or attend the get together hoping that everything will be good.
Sometimes I need to step back and look at what my expectations are. Then decide if that is even possible considering the dynamics, past history, personalities, and current situation with all involved.

I feel for you... it hurts when a parent disappoints us, no matter what our age. I would seriously reconsider the WDW trip together. Not because you want to punish her or make a point, but because if you are hoping for a "fairytale family time" where "things will be good because we're at Disney" than you may be very disappointed. JMHO.

Hope it all works out!!

 

[Nancyg56]

Anyways, to all the grandparents who say your kids understand that its all about who "needs" more and there are no hard feelings amongst siblings... check on that. seriously. Its never that simple. It doesn't have to be about financial things either..time/energy count just as much.

Do I blow it off and not let it get in the way of my relationships, absolutely. but I know how NOT to be a grandparent to my kid's, kids

I agree that time and energy count much more than the financial decisions parents and grandparents make in regards to their children. I also think that the way one explains how spending is done is important in order to ensure that you are not fostering jealousy between siblings. I can tell you that as I watched my first husbands siblings react to each other was the deciding factor in how I raised my own children. My MIL was one of those parents who made sure that each child was even. No child was given anything extra unless all could have that amount spent on them. The theory was nice but in practice it was a disaster. They were never taught that there are times when one child needs someting that the other does not so when they were older they all seemed to "watch". It made me nuts.

My MIL will still sometimes comment how lucky I am that my family is not jealous of each other but luck was not part of it. I taught them to be generous and giving with each other from an early age.

So far we are only blessed with one GC but I know that if we have more we will manage to ensure that there are no hard feelings between them and still react if one needs something that another does not.

 

[PrinceCharmingsMom]

I totally get it! But you did the right thing and left the check. It's up to her what she does with it.
No it's not fair that she does for the other's whether they "need" it or not, but I know sometimes it happens that way...

With all that said...I woudln't take your Thanksgiving trip away from you, your kids or your family. I would just know in my head what my boundaries are. Even if that involves having a conversation with your Mom about a spending limit for your kids while you are there or maybe you are comfortable with telling her that you don't need her to purchase goodies for your kids this trip (in a nice way)

But Disney memories, any family memories especially around a Holiday are important as we reflect on our childhood as adults and it wouldn't be fair to your kids to not go because of your Mother and the money thing...kids don't get that part, they just get that they don't get to go and everyone else is...

Just a thought...and good luck! I hope it works out for you!

 

[Jaime4004]

I totally get why you're aggravated, I would be too! Both of my parents had parents who helped the other siblings and not them. So they have always made sure that everything is "even" between my brother and I. And it has never made me "watch" what he is getting so make sure I got the same. Instead, it showed me how to make sure my three kids all get just as much as the others. I'm quite happy with my relationship with my parents and with my brother and his family. Some families appear to need more but no one knows what goes on in the other family. They may appear to have more but sacrifice other things to look that way. Doesn't mean they don't need a little help too. I would definitely vent to your mother how you feel (or maybe your dad, since he seems to understand more).

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Feel free to vent away. I understand. My mom watches my sister's 2 children (preschool and toddler) 50 hours a week while my sister works. She does it free of charge but when I ask I am expected to pay her (only when I am working not for going out with DH etc). Not only and I expected to pay her she wants the money upfront or at the end of the same day (as in 2 weeks before I got paid for that day). She charges me because she knows I will pay and my sister is single and struggling. But when I was a single mom she always found a reason not to help me and I ended up having my DH's (then boyfriend) mom help out. It's not fair and I know it but mom's (well my mom at least) have a way of justifying why they think it's fair.

 

[4HppyCamprs]

Awwww that is the terrible thing about life sometimes...the ones who are responsible for themselves do more and get less "help" and the ones who are lazy sometimes get a free ride...the best to do is like others said keep everything separate. It is hard not to worry about what others are getting but for me that just ends up driving me crazy. So just do what you do and keep on going. Maybe it would be best to keep the tabs for your disney trip separate as well?? At the end of the day you at least know your not the free loader

 

[spacemountainmom]

I can relate, but I would just let it go. It usually gets you only bigger problems to bring it up. You can't change them, you can only change how you respond to them.

I just remind myself that it is better to be self sufficient than always having to have someone else handle everything for me!

 

[tricia]

FIrst, I understand how you are feeling. My mom used to spend so much when my sister had her first child. My sister and I were still kids but somehow we were now on hold. I was jealous and resentful at times because I did not understand why my Mom was shopping for him and my sister when Gail and I were still home and kids.

Now I have three adults children and one DGD. DH and I do not discuss our spending with any of them, we do what we feel we need to do at any given time. None of them are left out but each has had their "turn" to have us spend more depending on their circumstances. I was shopping with my DDIL one time adn was purchasing something for my DD. She said that I had a son as well so I thought that was a good time to share DH and my philosophy. I told her that we never try to "even steven" because in the end it all works out. There would be a time when we decided that she and DS needed a little extra, just as this time I saw something for DD.

DDIL was an only child and did not realize that my three were used to one getting more than the rest at any given time. They never cared, they were raised to be happy for each other and knew that they never would go without when they needed that little extra. Now that she has been part of the family for a while she understands taht we love them all and there are no favorites.

OP- if you are stressed by Mom's shopping for your sister and leaving your kids out perhaps you should talk to her. She may have reasons that you are not aware of. My DDIL really felt that I favored DD and was not aware that I would do little things for the boys as well, just as I now do those things for her. I was happy reassure her adn maybe your Mom can do the same for you.

I agree. And feel that things like this all work out in the long run. Maybe not in material things, but Karma will come around. I am 1 of 4, and the least in need of financial help. My parents dole out money to 2 of my brothers each and every month to help with their rent. Sure, I might get a little twinge of jealousy once in a while, but on the whole I realize that I am much better off making my own way and feel good about that.

On the other hand, there are these friends of my parents that try to balance every single dollar between their 3 kids. If one needs $1000 to pay for emergency repairs to their house for example, they write 3 cheques for $1000. One for each child. This restricts them, and they often can't afford to help, cause at the moment it would be costing them $3000, instead of just $1000. Not the best system either.

 

[indimom]

Feel free to vent, but I really wouldn't let this damage a good relationship with your mother. She is doing what she thinks she has to do for the sake of grandchildren who do not have what yours have. Be proud that you and your hubby work hard to take care of your own children and just set aside the fact that others are getting "for free" what you work hard for. It's not going to help anything.
I'm one of four daughters. My parents tried for DECADES to treat us all equally. But over the years, occasions have come up when they had to give each of us something more than the rest - whether that be finacial, emotional, or physical assistance. And that's okay. They were just stepping in when they saw a need. It wasn't about who they cared more about.
I'll admit that my parents are sensible enough not discuss the things they are doing for one sister with the others. It's pretty easy to see how that could cause hurt feelings. Most of the time, we 'know' what's going on, but they don't put it in our faces. That was pretty foolish on your mothers' part and it seems like your dad realizes that. Maybe he'll have a talk with her??

 

[grandmadebby]

Awwww that is the terrible thing about life sometimes...the ones who are responsible for themselves do more and get less "help" and the ones who are lazy sometimes get a free ride...the best to do is like others said keep everything separate. It is hard not to worry about what others are getting but for me that just ends up driving me crazy. So just do what you do and keep on going. Maybe it would be best to keep the tabs for your disney trip separate as well?? At the end of the day you at least know your not the free loader

not everyone who needs help is lazy. My single daughter works a full time and a part time job to support her 3 kids. Anyway, a parent does what they think is best from the time a child is born through their adult years. I find it hard to believe that anyone would find fault with a grandma helping their neices and nephews in a situation that they did not create.

 

[tadamom]

Vent away!

I understand this as well and it actually comes from both my family and my inlaws. And, I agree with what several others have said....just b/c you think other are ok/should be ok/ or they say they are ok with it, doesn't mean that they are. It still hurts!

 

[eyor44]

My mother helps my youngest brother all the time. She used to ask me for financial help occansionally (elec bill, car repair, ac repair) and then I figured out one day that whenever she asked me for $$ she had just given my brother $$. This made me very angry because this meant that I was actually (in a round about way) helping my brother instead of my mother. I refuse to help my brother as he is a lazy, good for nothing who has stolen from me time and time again. So much he is not allowed in my house anymore as he will even go in the kids rooms and steal from them.

Now when mother needs help, I help her figure out the problem and payment plan if necessary instead of just writing her a check.