My friends outgrew us

[stemikger]

I know it's a weird title, but has this ever happened to any of you. I have had a group of friends I have been close wth since high school. My wife and I are in our early and mid 40s. The writing has been on the wall for a while, but we continued to attend social affairs and get togethers and even a couple of vacations. But lately, everytime we get together, we feel lousy. They have changed or we have changed or both. There is a group of them and they all have become so materialistic. My friends in high school all managed to become very successful in their chosen fields, but I have not. I really don't feel that bad about it, until I'm in their company. I mean I have a decent job and I am happy with my life, but I am not impressed by what people have. They have all become so into the big houses, and who has what, that I have nothing in common with them anymore. Not to put women down, but it seems like the wifes are the worst. They all live in million dollar homes and drive cars that cost what my house did 13 years ago. All they seem to talk about is money or status.

I feel bad, because my wife and I think we want to stop socializing with them, because it makes us so depressed that we no longer have the friends we thought we had. Basically at 42 and 46 we are not that good at making new friends and feel really bad about this. But I just don't like hanging out with people who have become so shallow that they judge people on the size of their wallet. They continue to invite us to things, but I think it is because they feel obligated.

I was just wondering if anyone else had this kind of experience.

 

[Chicago526]

I haven't gone through this myself. But one thing you may want to keep in mind is that they could be financing their "image". They might not be as successfull as they appear to be. They could be in dept up to their eyeballs, and one paycheck away from bankruptcy for all you know. They could be having sleepless nights, worrying that their company may lay them off, or the business they started is about to fold, or the kids will be starting college and they haven't saved a cent (or all of the above!).

It could be that in the next few years, some of your friends may be going through some rough times due to mistakes they've made with their finances. That may humble them a bit, and turn them back into the people they were before. You may want to socialize with them less, but still keep contact with them. You never know, this could just be a "phase" they are all going through and they may grow out of it, and you can go back to being the friends you were before.

But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong!

 

[RickinNYC]

Although not for the same reasons you stated, sure, I've outgrown friends from my high school and college days. For one reason or another, we've grown apart, made new friends and moved on. Not a big deal and it didn't bother me in the slightest. It's a fact of life as far as I'm concerned.

I've just grown to believe that what brought us together at 16 or 17, or 20 or 21 for that matter, is now no longer the case. We just don't have that much in common any longer. We have different beliefs, different goals, different joys, different paths. And I'm ok with that.

 

[Jpgirl]

Yep it's happened to us, but with dh's brother and wife. We did everything together-vacations,socializing. Sil and I had are first kids within 3 weeks of each other-that's how we became close. Then as time went on things happened-bil became successful as did dh but not in a financial sense. Our second child was born with special needs. Bil and sil became very materialistic (as did we to a point). We built a house they built a bigger one. Somewhere in my late thirties I got into the exercise industry and sil hated to exercise. I woke up one day and figured out the "thing's" weren't making me happy, but that the simple pleasures in my life were. Things started to drift-they became even more materialistic. Their kids were super bright and were constantly compared to my average ones. I didn't harbor resentment-I just didn't want to hear it. I should've seen the writing on the wall when early on in our relationship sil told us that a couple they were really close to in college were drifting away from them and she thought it was because they had become successful and their friends weren't and that their friends were jealous. I guess she probably thought the same about us. Over the years we just socialized with them less and less, then we moved and the only time I hear from them is when bil comes into town on business. I went into a period of mourning because we used to have so much fun, but towards the end we just avoided getting together with them. Family get togethers weren't an issue as that family is not close and there are very few get togethers.
I feel badly for you but honestly in the long run you'll be much happier without these friends. Some people just measure the life's worth by how much stuff they have and where they measure up with other people. Just let it go, grieve for the past and move on. Down the line you'll have new friends and the actions of these friends will surprise you. When I see my sil and bil now, they don't seem to be as happy as dh and I are. Good luck

 

[Buckalew11]

I have also experienced this. I was never into all that and will never be. It just isn't me. So much so that I told my DH before we married if all of that mattered to him that I was the wrong girl for him.

I am very fortunate so far that my 2 best friends are not into the status and the 'who's who' & 'who's got what' stuff. I hope they'll stay that way. One of the friends is from 4th grade and one is a newer friend. We are also about your age (41 and 46).

My DH's best friends are three doctors. And none of them are into that whole scene either. And neither are there wives (which, I, like you, think is unusual). We are lucky in all this. Of course, those doctors have bigger houses, newer cars and more "toys" than we do. But, even with that, they are very down to earth.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I just don't choose to hang around with materialistic people. I used to work with people like that and still come in contact with people who are all about stuff and all that. But I have chosen not to make them my close friends.
People do grow and change, some get better and some get "worse". They are also choosing what is important to them. May be a phase, may be what they live for...
I think it is OK to move on. Unless you just really, truly like that person--then they are worth holding on to. I enjoy being content with what I have and I enjoy being friends who are much the same.

Recently I read a short book called The Tennis Party which made me think about this exact situation. You might check it out at your library. Either (or both) you or your wife may enjoy the message.

 

[disneymouse]

I have also experienced this. I was never into all that and will never be. It just isn't me. So much so that I told my DH before we married if all of that mattered to him that I was the wrong girl for him.

I am very fortunate so far that my 2 best friends are not into the status and the 'who's who' & 'who's got what' stuff. I hope they'll stay that way. One of the friends is from 4th grade and one is a newer friend. We are also about your age (41 and 46).

My DH's best friends are three doctors. And none of them are into that whole scene either. And neither are there wives (which, I, like you, think is unusual). We are lucky in all this. Of course, those doctors have bigger houses, newer cars and more "toys" than we do. But, even with that, they are very down to earth.

I'm not sure what to tell you. I just don't choose to hang around with materialistic people. I used to work with people like that and still come in contact with people who are all about stuff and all that. But I have chosen not to make them my close friends.
People do grow and change, some get better and some get "worse". They are also choosing what is important to them. May be a phase, may be what they live for...
I think it is OK to move on. Unless you just really, truly like that person--then they are worth holding on to. I enjoy being content with what I have and I enjoy being friends who are much the same.

Recently I read a short book called The Tennis Party which made me think about this exact situation. You might check it out at your library. Either (or both) you or your wife may enjoy the message.

hey, thanks for the book suggestion. i need a good summer book to read and the tennis party sounds interesting!.
also, the shallow money status women friends remind me of the wife in American Beauty. the friends need a big wake up call to whats really important.

 

[Robinrs]

Sounds like YOU outgrew them....

 

[agnes!]

ITA with the poster that said maybe YOU outgrew THEM.

Off-Topic(sort of)...
It is difficult when others around us are more successful as the world might measure it (bigger houses, nicer cars, more prestigious jobs, better vacations, etc.) And with the way that all this STUFF is pushed in our faces every day by various media outlets - TV, films, Internet, magazines - it is not easy to simply be content. It is hard *not* to be envious. Even though I have a good life, a wonderful DH & DD, sometimes...sometimes I wrestle with wanting what others have.
IMO, Envy & learning to be content with what we have is at the heart of many of the Commandments.

Back to our regularly-scheduled topic ,
agnes!

 

[disneymom3]

I am dealing with this same issue right now, compounded by polictics and the fact that I don't like the one's husband at all. (He is a lawyer but is umemployed much more often than not and is soooo arrogant.) There are three couples including us and we get together. DH is good friends with the one husband and the women and I were close friends from college days. The third husband kind of throws off the mix and then of course, the women at least are very liberal and DH and I def tend toward conservative. We never bring up politics but they do regularly so it gets awkward. It's hard to figure out how to handle it all.

I too agree that you have outgrown them and not the other way around!

 

[grimley1968]

I've certainly had this happen, both with friends from high school and from college. RickinNYC hit it dead on: what brought us all together 10, 20, 30 years ago may no longer exist and thus friendships tend to dissolve.

I'm fortunate to still have a pretty strong group of friends from high school that still get together at least a couple of times a year, and much more often by email. Our political/religious/social beliefs are all over the map among us, but we still all care for each other. There is probably some envy, jealousy, etc. but somehow we are sort of able to keep that in the background and our common interests and affection in the foreground. But I honestly can't figure out the secret for how we do that. Our group has survived marriages, kids, divorce, etc.

I agree with the above posters about keeping in touch, but allowing some distance to develop. By not being materialistic, yet making a decent living, you are quite likely to be better off than your free-spending, and probably credit-happy, friends down the road. This might well result in those same people "coming back down to earth" a little bit.

 

[mommykds]

I understand where you are coming from right now and I agree..maybe you have outgrown them.

I have a close friend. She had become so materialistic & a keep up with the Jones' type pf girl that I can't take it anymore. She is so impressed by people's homes, their jewelry, & their cars..I honestly could give a hoot about that stuff..I believe in having experience (like vacations to Disney..what else? ) My DH makes a nice living but we do have to choose between "things" & "experiences" & I always choose the latter.
This has driven us apart somewhat I am feel uncomfortable around her since we do not share the same interests anymore. I think this is natural to part company because we all do change & relationships do end. If you do not enjoy the company then what's the point?

I hope you can move on. I am having a hard time of it right now because we have been friends for over 10 years but time will make it easier (I hope) Good luck to you & your DW.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

DH and I outgrew his HS friends. We all used to get together every friday-sunday (not kidding) and just party and hang out and do dinner and such. It all got old as we got into our relationship and then we moved in together and it became very old. It happens!! Now we are 26 and have 2 kids and are left with NO friends how sad is that! they are still drinking into oblivion and taking nothing seriously as they live in the same town as MIL and she ran into them somewhere. We're happy, but we moved last year here and are still adjusting to being far from family.

You will make new friends (i hope we do too!)

 

[Arielle22]

Why is it posters have to suggest that the friends are in debt? Perhaps these couples just makes a lot of money or invested wisely. It comes off as trying to one up the other couple.

It doesn't really matter why you have outgrown the friendship, just that it has ended. Before I dated DH I dated his friend. The friend was in our wedding and we stayed friends through his string of girlfriends. This includes one who had his son several weeks after my wedding. Fast forward a few years and my ex-friend had met a woman he wanted to marry. His son lived 2 states away with the exgirlfriend. My ex-friend and his fiance told dh shortly before their wedding that they weren't going to pay child support and the ex could take him to court but since it was another state he would never be caught. My ex-friend said it was ok with him if he didn't see his son, that his son could look him up when he hit 18. Dh told me and we decided that was morally reprehensible to us and we could no longer be friends. Ironically the ex-girlfriend had also married and her dh wanted to adopt the boy but my ex friend refused to give up his son!

 

[Brutie]

People come in and out of our lives all the time. I say just be glad that you knew them and had them in your life for awhile and perhaps its time to move on and see what life has instore for you and your wife now.

 

[JoyG]

Sounds like YOU outgrew them....

I was going to post the same thing!

 

[juligrl]

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I figured this out before I'm even 30!

You've started to outgrow them.

Yes, material things are fun to have, but if you lost it all tomorrow could you still be happy? I bet you could and your friends couldn't. Once you realize that people, not things, matter than you're really an adult. I was raised this way and that's what I hope to teach my children too.

 

[becjlek]

My DH and I are also in our 40's and I agree it is hard to make friends. Too bad we don't live closer, maybe we could hang out. We live in a small (affordable and paid off) home and this makes us the odd balls around here too.

 

[minkydog]

I think their are seasons for friends. It's not a terrible thing to have friends only for a time and move on when the reason for the friendship has been exhausted. You don't have to have a show down; a slow unwinding will eventually take place and one day you realize the relationship has moved down a notch and you don't care to resurrect it.

We have some friends like this: Nicest people in the world. No kids, very devoted to one another. We're all 46-50. The DHs went to HS together; my DH went to college where me met and married.DH is an executive for a Fortune 500 company. The other hubby married his 17yo HS sweetheart, surfed, learned to weld and moved into a shack in the country where they raised dogs & goats. Both men have been very successful in their careers.

We really love this couple--they are so supportive and kind. However, trying to hold a conversation with them is almost painful. They don't watch the news or read books. They have no hobbies.They don't know how to hold conversations. They play with their goats. We have tried going out for dinner with some success, only because we could claim we needed to get back home to the children(19, 13, & 11 ) Once they came over on July 4 and stayed for 14 hrs That was about 12hrs after I ran out of things to talk about. We went up to their house to see them--they live with 6 indoor dogs and the dog hair in the house was unbelievable; you could knit sweaters out of what was on the couch!

We finally had to admit that as much as we loved this couple, we had nothing in common with them anymore. It takes too much energy to enjoy their company. We still exchange Christmas cards and call each other now & then, but our lives are so different it's better if we don't struggle to have a relationship.

 

[Micca]

Robin has it totally nailed. You sound like nice people that would be fun to hang with. BTW, I do subscribe to the theory of "he who dies with the most toys wins"**, but not at the expense of friendships.


** this would include house closest to WDW, or DVC points.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I figured this out before I'm even 30!

You've started to outgrow them.

Yes, material things are fun to have, but if you lost it all tomorrow could you still be happy? I bet you could and your friends couldn't. Once you realize that people, not things, matter than you're really an adult. I was raised this way and that's what I hope to teach my children too.

Of course people are more important than things. You don't have to be poor, or even in-the-middle to realize this. It isn't a new concept.

Having nice things doesn't mean you don't love your family and friends.

And it doesn't mean you're in debt, either.

You can have nice stuff, take nice trips, not be in debt and still be a decent person.

People who look down their nose at others who happen to be well-off are no better than the wealthy who do it to the poor.

No shame in being poor, but no shame in being wealthy, either! I've done both, and the latter is more fun, too.