My family depresses me!.....long vent!

[mickeyfan2]

Welcome to the world that most of us live in. Do what is best for you, your DH and your four daughters. Don't spend money on bad family decisions when you could be spending it on good ones - your daughter's college funds or yours and DH's retirement.

 

[tiff211]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.
If you can find this book at the library, it is a great book for dealing with this type of thing. Boundaries by Henry Cloud.

Definitely will check this out. Maybe I'll bring it Thanksgiving dinner and when asked what I am reading, telling them and tell them why!!!

 

[Banshee]

Please don't let it bother you. Family can be hard to deal with sometimes my dad passed away last year and now my brother seems to be doing everything in his power to drag my mom down. We won't let him but you know what I have so many things to be thankful for who cares what he does. I look at the pic in your signature and you have 4 exquisite very happy children and you should be proud of all the things you have accomplished and let go of the sadness and frustration that family causes you, its just not worth it.

 

[tiff211]

Please don't let it bother you. Family can be hard to deal with sometimes my dad passed away last year and now my brother seems to be doing everything in his power to drag my mom down. We won't let him but you know what I have so many things to be thankful for who cares what he does. I look at the pic in your signature and you have 4 exquisite very happy children and you should be proud of all the things you have accomplished and let go of the sadness and frustration that family causes you, its just not worth it.

Thank you! Where's your pic of Sophia? I always know your post because I think "I have a Sophia also!" when I see it. Or "Sopee" as she calls herself!

 

[Banshee]

Thank you! Where's your pic of Sophia? I always know your post because I think "I have a Sophia also!" when I see it. Or "Sopee" as she calls herself!

Sopee how cute I don't know what happened to her pic I tried to put another one but I am having a hard time resizing it. Oh well. Please have a nice time with you're family and enjoy you're Thanksgiving. Let the bad stuff if any is said go in one ear and right out the other.

 

[tiff211]

You must be my long-lost sister!

I've been in similar situations with my family. Dsis and I are the "money tree" when someone needs their back property taxes paid & are about to get their house taken away (mom), or needs to get bailed out (brother), etc. My mom doesn't actually ask us to help her, but here's what usually happens. We say, "Mom, let us know if you can't pay the property taxes. $500 a year isn't that much." So several years go by without any payments, unbeknownst to us. Suddenly it's a desperate situation, mom continues to put her head in the sand, and we end up paying the back property taxes PLUS 10% interest. Last time we had to come up with several thousand $ to cover it. It makes me a little bitter because DH and I haven't been able to afford a house yet, and here I am helping someone else keep theirs.

I finally got to the point where I decided it really isn't my problem, and I've been a lot happier! And I know the feeling about wanting to flee to another state. I've thought about that too! Thanks for letting me vent also!

That's what my mom does too, don't get me started on the time, she called 2 days before we left to go to WDW asking for $700 to turn her gas on. I didn't have that to give her because we were going to FL but was physically sick to my stomach telling her no when I knew we would be spending that alone on character meals. Although I had saved my home party business money for our trip! I regrettably let it put a damper on my trip. Everytime I spend money on a souvie or something, I just thought how I could be helping her out. So, I have improved because I don't get physically ill anymore! I had to change bank accounts because she banked at the same bank and she would call me the day something would be getting shut off and ask me to transfer money into her account.

 

[Camicar]

but was physically sick to my stomach telling her no when I knew we would be spending that alone on character meals

You earned and saved that money, therefore you should not feel guilty about spending it as you see fit. Period.

Truthfully, from the BTDT school, you have two options:
1. Realize your family is a bottomless pit of quicksand, toughen up and REFUSE to be guilted, set boundaries, and let them fail.
2. Prepare to make yourself sick and harm your own children by giving away their college/vacation fund to people who will never learn better (and would never bail you out if you ever needed it).

There really is no middle ground with gimme relatives. They have come to expect you to bail them out and they will never change. It will never get better until you put your foot down and absolutely positively refuse to give them any money/help ever again. The moment you back down and help them out 'just this once' the drain is once again attached to your vein and you can expect to be bled dry once again.

 

[momof2inPA]

I would upgrade to the 2 bedroom hotel room and have your brother from NY stay there. That way the kids can have a nice visit. Can you priceline something?

Be prepared to say "no" when they try to send mom home with you for "a little while" or when someone asks for money. Good luck.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Wow, you make my family sound "almost" normal! You have my deepest sympathies.

As others have said, you need to put your resources towards your own (they're gorgeous, BTW!). You don't need to apologize or feel guilty for putting your children first! And even yourself, in terms of providing for yourself and keeping your sanity. Sadly,your mother has been a taker all her life. She will continue to do so--she doesn't know any other way. That doesn't give her the right to mooch off you (and, by association, your children and what you could/should provide for them).

I don't know what else to tell you. My mom was mentally ill my entire life. I had to move away from her, for my own sanity. I'm not sorry I did. I had to protect my children. My mom died last year--I don't miss HER so much as, I wish I could have known who she really was. But I know that in heaven, she's whole--something she could never be here. And however miserable she was to live with and interact with, living inside her head must have been much, much worse.

Sorry, that doesn't really help you at all. Try to have a nice holiday. I think it's a good idea that you have the hotel room to "retreat" to. Try to focus on the positive, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being a good mother and looking out for your children's interest.

 

[Banshee]

Well if someone asks you for money you could always turn the tables on them and say "oh no! I was going to ask you if you could loan me some money!!!"

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Without going into details, I know from personal experience that the hardest thing to do is walk away and allow someone you love to face the consequences of their actions (or inaction). It hurts, and you feel like scum, but deep down you know that it is best for both you, your family, and your relative that you stop being an enabler.

Hang in there. I've been going through this for 20+ years with my sister. It's gotten easier for me, but it doesn't take much for the doubt to creep in.

 

[ForTheLoveofDisney]

I really have no advice but just wanted you to know you are a good strong person! I always enjoy reading your posts and your family is just beautiful!

I understand the moving away part, I really do. I did it myself and moved from Delaware to South Carolina. I'm just sorry your mom keeps following you.

I've been through counseling and I'll pass along some of the counsel that was given to me. It may not apply but it might so I'll pass it on and then you can do what you'd like with it.

I always felt horrible for my baby sisters and the situation they were in. I had gotten out of the house when I was 14 (I had moved in with a relative) and then I was on my own at 18. I've gone to school on my own (didn't graduate yet ) and got a great job found a good husband all on my own IN SPITE of my family beginnings. But yet when it came to my baby sisters I felt it was my job to take care of them (even when they became adults) because of the home situation we were brought up in. But, I was reminded that I came from that SAME situation and I made my own choices to get out and do better for myself. Really, it's up to my sisters to do the same and they can do the same if they choose to. I can show them a better life, I can give them advice but I can't "fix" it for them anymore like I had done for SOOOO long! And I don't mean monetarily. In our family my mother is a deceptive, manipulative, sneaky control freak!! She has done things and left the mess for us to clean up! She's great for letting the big ol' elephant into the room and then ripping your head off if you try and talk about it!! KWIM? Avoidance, secrets these are her weapons of choice. This kind of emotional turmoil can just really leave you in knots psychologically and physically!!

I've not talked to my mother in over 2 years. Her choice NOT mine! I made the choice I would no longer enable her crazy ways and she made the choice to no longer speak with me after our final confrontation.
My life has been 110 times more peaceful. My baby sisters have made the choice to continue on in the insanity because they fear that my mother will no longer speak to them. They can't understand that it might not neccesarily be a bad thing. But, that's their fear they must overcome. I just finally got to the point that "The pain of same was WORSE than the pain of change."

I'm willing to help them learn new ways of seeing and thinking about things but if they want to continue on in the insanity I don't want to hear about it because I can't help them.

Anyway, your situation may be completely different than mine and this counsel may not apply to you but I do wish you all the best. I know that this situation wouldn't bother you if you didn't have a big caring heart and spirit. It's when we care that it hurts that most!

 

[agnes!]

I would upgrade to the 2 bedroom hotel room and have your brother from NY stay there. That way the kids can have a nice visit. Can you priceline something?

Be prepared to say "no" when they try to send mom home with you for "a little while" or when someone asks for money. Good luck.

I like this option if it is one you can live with (meaning if you have no issues with your DBro).

*DO NOT LET THE OTHER FAMILY-MEMBERS 'PAWN' MA OFF ON *YOU*.
*DO NOT LET YOUR MOTHER STAY IN YOUR HOTEL-ROOM.

I would even go so far as to try to stay out of giving 'Ma' any rides anywhere, she'll just try to mooch off of you, try to stay in your hotel-room, try to get you to give her a ride back home, etc., etc. Unfortunately, your mom sounds like she is a leech that would willingly bleed you and your family dry.

DO NOT GIVE HER AN INCH, SHE WILL TAKE YOUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE TO THE CLEANERS!!!

agnes!

 

[Banshee]

I really have no advice but just wanted you to know you are a good strong person! I always enjoy reading your posts and your family is just beautiful!

I understand the moving away part, I really do. I did it myself and moved from Delaware to South Carolina. I'm just sorry your mom keeps following you.

I've been through counseling and I'll pass along some of the counsel that was given to me. It may not apply but it might so I'll pass it on and then you can do what you'd like with it.

I always felt horrible for my baby sisters and the situation they were in. I had gotten out of the house when I was 14 (I had moved in with a relative) and then I was on my own at 18. I've gone to school on my own (didn't graduate yet ) and got a great job found a good husband all on my own IN SPITE of my family beginnings. But yet when it came to my baby sisters I felt it was my job to take care of them (even when they became adults) because of the home situation we were brought up in. But, I was reminded that I came from that SAME situation and I made my own choices to get out and do better for myself. Really, it's up to my sisters to do the same and they can do the same if they choose to. I can show them a better life, I can give them advice but I can't "fix" it for them anymore like I had done for SOOOO long! And I don't mean monetarily. In our family my mother is a deceptive, manipulative, sneaky control freak!! She has done things and left the mess for us to clean up! She's great for letting the big ol' elephant into the room and then ripping your head off if you try and talk about it!! KWIM? Avoidance, secrets these are her weapons of choice. This kind of emotional turmoil can just really leave you in knots psychologically and physically!!

I've not talked to my mother in over 2 years. Her choice NOT mine! I made the choice I would no longer enable her crazy ways and she made the choice to no longer speak with me after our final confrontation.
My life has been 110 times more peaceful. My baby sisters have made the choice to continue on in the insanity because they fear that my mother will no longer speak to them. They can't understand that it might not neccesarily be a bad thing. But, that's their fear they must overcome. I just finally got to the point that "The pain of same was WORSE than the pain of change."

I'm willing to help them learn new ways of seeing and thinking about things but if they want to continue on in the insanity I don't want to hear about it because I can't help them.

Anyway, your situation may be completely different than mine and this counsel may not apply to you but I do wish you all the best. I know that this situation wouldn't bother you if you didn't have a big caring heart and spirit. It's when we care that it hurts that most!

Wow Awesome post! I know I'll use some of your advice with my Dhs family.

 

[tiff211]

I really have no advice but just wanted you to know you are a good strong person! I always enjoy reading your posts and your family is just beautiful!

I understand the moving away part, I really do. I did it myself and moved from Delaware to South Carolina. I'm just sorry your mom keeps following you.

I've been through counseling and I'll pass along some of the counsel that was given to me. It may not apply but it might so I'll pass it on and then you can do what you'd like with it.

I always felt horrible for my baby sisters and the situation they were in. I had gotten out of the house when I was 14 (I had moved in with a relative) and then I was on my own at 18. I've gone to school on my own (didn't graduate yet ) and got a great job found a good husband all on my own IN SPITE of my family beginnings. But yet when it came to my baby sisters I felt it was my job to take care of them (even when they became adults) because of the home situation we were brought up in. But, I was reminded that I came from that SAME situation and I made my own choices to get out and do better for myself. Really, it's up to my sisters to do the same and they can do the same if they choose to. I can show them a better life, I can give them advice but I can't "fix" it for them anymore like I had done for SOOOO long! And I don't mean monetarily. In our family my mother is a deceptive, manipulative, sneaky control freak!! She has done things and left the mess for us to clean up! She's great for letting the big ol' elephant into the room and then ripping your head off if you try and talk about it!! KWIM? Avoidance, secrets these are her weapons of choice. This kind of emotional turmoil can just really leave you in knots psychologically and physically!!

I've not talked to my mother in over 2 years. Her choice NOT mine! I made the choice I would no longer enable her crazy ways and she made the choice to no longer speak with me after our final confrontation.
My life has been 110 times more peaceful. My baby sisters have made the choice to continue on in the insanity because they fear that my mother will no longer speak to them. They can't understand that it might not neccesarily be a bad thing. But, that's their fear they must overcome. I just finally got to the point that "The pain of same was WORSE than the pain of change."

I'm willing to help them learn new ways of seeing and thinking about things but if they want to continue on in the insanity I don't want to hear about it because I can't help them.

Anyway, your situation may be completely different than mine and this counsel may not apply to you but I do wish you all the best. I know that this situation wouldn't bother you if you didn't have a big caring heart and spirit. It's when we care that it hurts that most!

Great post! I appreciate the counsel and have thought about seeking some myself. While I can't directly see it now, I always wonder if this will/does effect how I mother my DDs.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I have no advice for you, but wanted to send you hugs, and tell you that I admire you for reaching beyond your early circumstances and taking charge of your life. Your family is beautiful and you are a great role model!

 

[tiff211]

I have no advice for you, but wanted to send you hugs, and tell you that I admire you for reaching beyond your early circumstances and taking charge of your life. Your family is beautiful and you are a great role model!

Thanks! That means a lot to me!

 

[miss missy]

half way through, will come back to read the rest, for now

 

[MsEeyore]

You seem like a wonderful and strong woman and an inspiration to all those whose early circumstances were not the best. I hope you have a wonderful trip.

 

[miss missy]

I second, the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud.

I am your other long lost sis! I learned too, the sibs are not my responsibility. My Mom is a hard worker, and great role model, except she is an enabler. That is why she has 3 adults kids in her 2 bedroom condo Both couches are taken! She knows how I feel, and I know I can't change them. I bought a new house when I was 26 on my own. I do well, married, kids and a great life. Thank god they don't ask me for money But I have to watch them leach off my mother, who is on her second career. 38 years with one company, retired there, but working 10 years at another place! She should have loads of cash! She has loans and mortgage and barely makes it now. It is so nasty to watch them do that!

My inlaws- all of them are awesome! 3 sibs and mil and fil are all self sufficient and great people! This is where you find me most of the time., with them. I don't not see my family, but I keep them at arms length as to not get wrapped in the crap!

You have to look after your DH and kids 1st. You can't do it any other way.

You are a great person and you have done awesome with your life. Hats off to you! I know it is hard being the only one in the family who has your head on straight, but you worked hard, they chose not too- thats not your fault.

Do what works for you and yours!!