My emotionally distant mother

[lizandjason]

Hi, everyone...I've been wanting to reach out to others about this topic for awhile and I think the DISboards is probably the friendliest place to do it.

My mom and I have never been close. She never calls me, and when I call her, she rushes off the phone because she's 'so busy'. We fought a lot when I was a teenager but since I matured (I'm 32 now), I've consistently tried to get closer to her. Now when I'm around her (which I try to be a couple times a month), she is relatively pleasant but it's obvious that she's mostly disinterested in me. She is obsessed with her work as a nonprofit director and it seems that she is always more concerned about those in her charity than anything I'm involved in. She and my dad are very close, which is great, and she's close to my brother and sister. She just doesn't seem to have any interest in me.

I've tried to invite her to 'girls only' lunches or other events; I call her just to 'check in', enthusiastically support her nonprofit...but it doesn't seem to melt her at all. I'm wondering if she resents me because dad and I are close, or if I said/did something so heinous as a kid that she just emotionally wrote me off. Pictures of us when I was very young indicate more interest and warmth. I just don't know what might have happened. I've actually tried to ask her about it and she blows it off and says I'm imagining things.

So...just thought I'd put it all out there. I'm still trying and I'll never stop trying; I love my mom.
Comments and insight are welcome, thanks!

 

[wishesuponastar]

I'm so sorry for you I can't understand why she would just pick you out of her kids. It must be so hard for you when you try so much to get her love. I just thought of a reason maybe when you were born she got sick with depression or something and she never "bonded" with you? She should have gotten over that.

 

[justhat]

I'm really sorry for you. Some people just suck, plain and simple. No rhyme or reason to their actions. My grandmother was like this with her 4 kids, and it still bugs my mom to this day, and my grandmother has been dead 11 years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi, everyone...I've been wanting to reach out to others about this topic for awhile and I think the DISboards is probably the friendliest place to do it.

My mom and I have never been close. She never calls me, and when I call her, she rushes off the phone because she's 'so busy'. We fought a lot when I was a teenager but since I matured (I'm 32 now), I've consistently tried to get closer to her. Now when I'm around her (which I try to be a couple times a month), she is relatively pleasant but it's obvious that she's mostly disinterested in me. She is obsessed with her work as a nonprofit director and it seems that she is always more concerned about those in her charity than anything I'm involved in. She and my dad are very close, which is great, and she's close to my brother and sister. She just doesn't seem to have any interest in me.

I've tried to invite her to 'girls only' lunches or other events; I call her just to 'check in', enthusiastically support her nonprofit...but it doesn't seem to melt her at all. I'm wondering if she resents me because dad and I are close, or if I said/did something so heinous as a kid that she just emotionally wrote me off. Pictures of us when I was very young indicate more interest and warmth. I just don't know what might have happened. I've actually tried to ask her about it and she blows it off and says I'm imagining things.

So...just thought I'd put it all out there. I'm still trying and I'll never stop trying; I love my mom.
Comments and insight are welcome, thanks!

Do your sibs have kids and you don't? Just wondering since that is a bonding thing with your parents when you have kids.

I know you said above that you will "never stop trying" however that is probably not the way to go about it.

I would suggest that you stop trying and let things go. If she does not call you or want to visit, then let it happen.

The old addage of setting something you love "free" applies here.

Is she any kind of a "control freak" person? This also can be a manipulation tactic to keep you "on your toes" so to speak.

You beg for attention and then she pushes you away. You feel bad, she feels good that she has the upper hand on you.

Anyway those are just a few ideas to throw out there.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Are you sure she is genuinely closer to these other people or is it that they are just comfortable with the crumbs she is willing to dispense and therefore, they have more compatible relationships?

 

[NaLisa]

I thought it might have to do with grandkids, too. I felt that way about my mother (that she was much closer to my siblings who had children) before I had kids of my own.

I would write her a letter. Just sit down and spill your guts about everything you're feeling. Then spend a few days going back over it and editing it until you really say what you want to say how you want to say it. I would suggest not being accusatory or angry in the final tone, e.g. you should explain how you feel instead of how she makes you feel.

There's a very good chance your mother doesn't realize how she comes across to you and that she would welcome the chance to be closer.

Good luck; I remember how it feels.

 

[Swan4Me]

My Mom went thru a similar phase when i was in my 30's and she in her 50's
She got SUPER interested in her church, prayer meetings-anything with her Church took precedence over anything else

Maybe its a Mid-Life crisis?

Once we were making all the food for my Sis' wedding at home-we had planned the whole day to make the tea sandwhiches. after two hours she told sis and I that she had to leave to go to a Christening at her church-not anyone close-just a church member.We were FLOORED

 

[lizandjason]

I thought it might have to do with grandkids, too. I felt that way about my mother (that she was much closer to my siblings who had children) before I had kids of my own.

I would write her a letter. Just sit down and spill your guts about everything you're feeling. Then spend a few days going back over it and editing it until you really say what you want to say how you want to say it. I would suggest not being accusatory or angry in the final tone, e.g. you should explain how you feel instead of how she makes you feel.

There's a very good chance your mother doesn't realize how she comes across to you and that she would welcome the chance to be closer.

Good luck; I remember how it feels.

I acted fast on your advice...but I actually called her. I was very passive and non-confrontational and said, 'Mom, I need you to be honest with me. Is there something in our past together that has caused you to shut me out?' She actually told me that she had, in fact, done just that because I was mean to my siblings and to her as a kid/teenager. I obviously had some emotional issues back then and she was so busy she couldn't deal with me. She and I both remember me acting out and yelling/crying (not just as a little kid, but at age 12-13, maybe even older) and she had to lock her bedroom door and turn the TV up while I wailed outside. She just put me 'into a parking lot', her words, and never went back to 'claim me'...even so many years later.

She is willing to 'think' about our relationship. She really is a great person...very smart and caring, and she runs a charity that helps hundreds of very poor people. I told her I wanted to 'discuss and then fix' our relationship, that was my goal, but that didn't have to be her goal. I told her that I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to fix the relationship if she couldn't do it. Just because she realizes that I was a difficult child and that's the source of her 'shutdown' doesn't mean she'll be able to forgive me for it. There's nothing I can do to control that. So I'll just have to wait; the ball is in her court.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. Luckily DH and I will be in Disney in a week and a half (during the crazy Memorial day weekend, but we don't even care about the crowds!) so we'll be able to have some 'non-reality' time together.

 

[bunkkinsmom]

I acted fast on your advice...but I actually called her. I was very passive and non-confrontational and said, 'Mom, I need you to be honest with me. Is there something in our past together that has caused you to shut me out?' She actually told me that she had, in fact, done just that because I was mean to my siblings and to her as a kid/teenager. I obviously had some emotional issues back then and she was so busy she couldn't deal with me. She and I both remember me acting out and yelling/crying (not just as a little kid, but at age 12-13, maybe even older) and she had to lock her bedroom door and turn the TV up while I wailed outside. She just put me 'into a parking lot', her words, and never went back to 'claim me'...even so many years later.

She is willing to 'think' about our relationship. She really is a great person...very smart and caring, and she runs a charity that helps hundreds of very poor people. I told her I wanted to 'discuss and then fix' our relationship, that was my goal, but that didn't have to be her goal. I told her that I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to fix the relationship if she couldn't do it. Just because she realizes that I was a difficult child and that's the source of her 'shutdown' doesn't mean she'll be able to forgive me for it. There's nothing I can do to control that. So I'll just have to wait; the ball is in her court.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. Luckily DH and I will be in Disney in a week and a half (during the crazy Memorial day weekend, but we don't even care about the crowds!) so we'll be able to have some 'non-reality' time together.

Good for you for being honest! My mom and I didn't speak for a very long time, and even when we did start to "try", we had a "movie and lunch" time limit once every 2 weeks. Now we speak every day, have a meal at least once maybe more a week, and are very close. Closer than my dad and I (and I was daddy's little girl), and I am grateful. I pray your story has a happy ending, whatever that ending may be!

 

[nmmom95]

I'm glad you are working toward a solution. I really hope this works out for you. I don't think it's fair of your mom to hold something you did 20 years ago against you. You grew up, now it's her turn.

 

[MissElizabeth]

I acted fast on your advice...but I actually called her. I was very passive and non-confrontational and said, 'Mom, I need you to be honest with me. Is there something in our past together that has caused you to shut me out?' She actually told me that she had, in fact, done just that because I was mean to my siblings and to her as a kid/teenager. I obviously had some emotional issues back then and she was so busy she couldn't deal with me. She and I both remember me acting out and yelling/crying (not just as a little kid, but at age 12-13, maybe even older) and she had to lock her bedroom door and turn the TV up while I wailed outside. She just put me 'into a parking lot', her words, and never went back to 'claim me'...even so many years later.

She is willing to 'think' about our relationship. She really is a great person...very smart and caring, and she runs a charity that helps hundreds of very poor people. I told her I wanted to 'discuss and then fix' our relationship, that was my goal, but that didn't have to be her goal. I told her that I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to fix the relationship if she couldn't do it. Just because she realizes that I was a difficult child and that's the source of her 'shutdown' doesn't mean she'll be able to forgive me for it. There's nothing I can do to control that. So I'll just have to wait; the ball is in her court.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. Luckily DH and I will be in Disney in a week and a half (during the crazy Memorial day weekend, but we don't even care about the crowds!) so we'll be able to have some 'non-reality' time together.

Are you kidding? I hope you're kidding. Guess what? Teenagers are a PITA, every one of them, some more than others. My kids are little but some day they are going to be PITA teenagers and if I am still punishing them for it in their 30s I hope my husband smacks me, then drags me into counseling.

Good for you for not giving up - its worth it to 'fix' this if you can- but you should have more expectations from your mom than holding your 12 and 13 year old behavior against you 20 years later.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow.
Your mother is holding things against you that you did as a teenager 20 years ago?

Sorry, but there's something wrong with that.

Were your siblings perfect?

I just don't get this at all.....

 

[clh2]

I am almost 50, and have a distant relationship with my mom.

I stopped trying to please her years ago. My mom thought EVERYONE else had perfect kids (little did she know what was going on in other families) except her. And - my sisters and I NEVER got into trouble, all worked hard, all went to and graduated from college, all got married and all have families.

We even went up to see her and my dad for a couple of days about 8 years ago - we had the dates planned a couple of months in advance (as we took vacation days) and when we arrived into town - my parents went to play bridge for a couple of hours. And the second night of our staty - they went to the theater with friends who gave them free tickets.

NOTHING is good enough for her.

I only see her a couple of times a year, and "only if I have to".

I am not going to go into details...trust me - there are many.

To the OP - I applaud you for trying, but at a certain point...maybe you need to "free yourself" from a situation that isn't going to change.

 

[shortbun]

Op, please find a therapist that you like and trust. Your mother abandoned you and she's admitted it and blamed YOU, as a child. That is neglect and horrible. You are not to blame for her distance, she is. Please, see a therapist who will help you through this. You are obviously a loving, normal adult and having to beg your mother for her love is just awful for you. I am so sorry!!! This is something you need to settle for yourself so the rest of your life is not changed any further by it. You were a child and needed a stable, calm adult and someone to help you go through your troubles. For some unknown reason, she was not able to do that and it was not about you. When my mother was dying and we had made peace with the issues in our life, she told me that her parents had never told her they loved her-not once. I ached for her and understood why she had such a hard time emoting or knowing which emotions were appropriate. We both had to go through some major therapy to get to that point and boy am I glad we made it there. Good luck. You are lovable and kind and sensitive. You are lucky. Get some professional help to take you through the rest of your journey. It's invaluable.

 

[mom2rb]

My dad and step-mom joke about all the nasty, horrible things I did and said as a teenager. When ever someone else in the family is complaining about their daughter, I am held up as the shining example of " You think your daughter is bad, remember Jamie at that age? It will all work out."

I am so glad they didn't hold a grudge against me.

 

[NaLisa]

I acted fast on your advice...but I actually called her. I was very passive and non-confrontational and said, 'Mom, I need you to be honest with me. Is there something in our past together that has caused you to shut me out?' She actually told me that she had, in fact, done just that because I was mean to my siblings and to her as a kid/teenager. I obviously had some emotional issues back then and she was so busy she couldn't deal with me. She and I both remember me acting out and yelling/crying (not just as a little kid, but at age 12-13, maybe even older) and she had to lock her bedroom door and turn the TV up while I wailed outside. She just put me 'into a parking lot', her words, and never went back to 'claim me'...even so many years later.

She is willing to 'think' about our relationship. She really is a great person...very smart and caring, and she runs a charity that helps hundreds of very poor people. I told her I wanted to 'discuss and then fix' our relationship, that was my goal, but that didn't have to be her goal. I told her that I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to fix the relationship if she couldn't do it. Just because she realizes that I was a difficult child and that's the source of her 'shutdown' doesn't mean she'll be able to forgive me for it. There's nothing I can do to control that. So I'll just have to wait; the ball is in her court.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. Luckily DH and I will be in Disney in a week and a half (during the crazy Memorial day weekend, but we don't even care about the crowds!) so we'll be able to have some 'non-reality' time together.

Good for you! It's a step in the right direction to get things out in the open. I agree with others that your mom should not hold your teenage behavior against you, but the fact is, she obviously does. It's also obvious that you'd like to have a better relationship with your mother, and that she's not an all-around horrible person.

Though it would be perfectly understandable for you to hold this revelation against your mother and further distance yourself from her, it doesn't sound like that would make you happy. What's past is past and you can't change it; I suggest continuing to move toward a positive future relationship with your mother.

Best of luck to you.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I acted fast on your advice...but I actually called her. I was very passive and non-confrontational and said, 'Mom, I need you to be honest with me. Is there something in our past together that has caused you to shut me out?' She actually told me that she had, in fact, done just that because I was mean to my siblings and to her as a kid/teenager. I obviously had some emotional issues back then and she was so busy she couldn't deal with me. She and I both remember me acting out and yelling/crying (not just as a little kid, but at age 12-13, maybe even older) and she had to lock her bedroom door and turn the TV up while I wailed outside. She just put me 'into a parking lot', her words, and never went back to 'claim me'...even so many years later.

She is willing to 'think' about our relationship. She really is a great person...very smart and caring, and she runs a charity that helps hundreds of very poor people. I told her I wanted to 'discuss and then fix' our relationship, that was my goal, but that didn't have to be her goal. I told her that I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to fix the relationship if she couldn't do it. Just because she realizes that I was a difficult child and that's the source of her 'shutdown' doesn't mean she'll be able to forgive me for it. There's nothing I can do to control that. So I'll just have to wait; the ball is in her court.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. Luckily DH and I will be in Disney in a week and a half (during the crazy Memorial day weekend, but we don't even care about the crowds!) so we'll be able to have some 'non-reality' time together.

That is a stunning admission. Put you in a "parking lot" (her words) and never came back to claim you? That's how she put it? That is so hurtful in deed and words.

You got your answer, OP. All that time being rejected. It's heartbreaking. Kids and teenagers need compassion. They make mistakes and bad judgements. That's the very time a child needs love and guidance the most. Making mistakes and bad judgements is part of growing up.

She's willing to think about your relationship. Wow. That's still sounds so haughty and standoffish. I'd be rethinking too, as a daughter. You can't have the relationship you want with your mother without her participating. You only set yourself up for more hurt. I'd put the ball in her court. Seek the counseling as pps mentioned and try to heal. Have a relationship with your mom, but you need to re-examine your expectations. She isn't there. It's her choice. She's missing out.

Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. It's nothing you can do about her actions. It comes from her. Let her own it. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into waiting for her to come around any more. Live your life and be glad if she does come around. You can't change her.

 

[cabanafrau]

OP, so sorry for your hurt. The suggestion you have already received about therapy is spot on. Even if you are able to forge a new & more intimate relationship with your mom, you've got baggage you've got to deal with for your own sake -- particularly if you become a parent yourself. I'm sure you have no wish to repeat this pattern with one of your own children, yet the danger for just that is very high if you don't sweep out all of that dirt from under your own rug.

The fact your mom readily acknowledged the issue is a good sign. That doesn't happen very often & may point to the fact she's hurting very much herself. I suspect for her this has much less to do with you than meets the eye. I hope this propels her to seek help & bulldoze down the mountain she has under her rug. Something(s) happened in her past that for unknown reasons she has linked with you. She's put you away because she can't deal with whatever issues she had in the past.

I hope you & your mom are successful at making a new future together. Whatever she does or doesn't do, make sure you address things for yourself so you don't wind up stuck under a mountain someday.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I acted fast on your advice...but I actually called her. I was very passive and non-confrontational and said, 'Mom, I need you to be honest with me. Is there something in our past together that has caused you to shut me out?' She actually told me that she had, in fact, done just that because I was mean to my siblings and to her as a kid/teenager. I obviously had some emotional issues back then and she was so busy she couldn't deal with me. She and I both remember me acting out and yelling/crying (not just as a little kid, but at age 12-13, maybe even older) and she had to lock her bedroom door and turn the TV up while I wailed outside. She just put me 'into a parking lot', her words, and never went back to 'claim me'...even so many years later.

She is willing to 'think' about our relationship. She really is a great person...very smart and caring, and she runs a charity that helps hundreds of very poor people. I told her I wanted to 'discuss and then fix' our relationship, that was my goal, but that didn't have to be her goal. I told her that I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to fix the relationship if she couldn't do it. Just because she realizes that I was a difficult child and that's the source of her 'shutdown' doesn't mean she'll be able to forgive me for it. There's nothing I can do to control that. So I'll just have to wait; the ball is in her court.

Thanks to everyone for your care and concern. Luckily DH and I will be in Disney in a week and a half (during the crazy Memorial day weekend, but we don't even care about the crowds!) so we'll be able to have some 'non-reality' time together.

It's nice that you see her that way, but the irony is she hasn't been those things for you. She is there for strangers but not for her own daughter. That has to hurt deep.

She has given you a lot to think about. I hope you can put this aside and have a great trip to WDW with your DH. If there is any place you could do it, it would be WDW.

 

[Cee]

You are doing all you can to mend your relationship. So it's up to her now. If nothing comes of it at least you know you did everything you could do.